A Little Sweetness

Moving day!!!

2009-10-29T15:53:00.003-04:00

If there's anyone out there still reading, I'm moving over to wordpress. I've become ultra-paranoided about something finding my blog and I wanted to be able to password protect some posts. Mostly just so I can vent about family crap. So please head on over to the new and improved alittlesweetness.

**just updated link, sorry!

oops...my bad

2009-10-07T10:42:00.002-04:00

So sorry for the last (non) post. I finally got one of those new fangled ip.hones and apparently the post I painstakingly typed out did not post. It wasn't anything important (as if any of my posts are). I was just very frustrated that I tend to have 1 'normal' 4 week cycle a year and of course, when does it happen?? The first weekend Mr H and I have away in over a year. Every other cycle is 5-6 weeks. Gotta love my body, right?!?! It's still finding ways to f with me!

We did have a great weekend in Colorado for a wedding. Of course, it being a wedding, there was an insane amount of baby talk. The bride has it all perfectly planned out. Exactly when they will start trying, when they will have the baby, etc. I managed to bite my tongue for the most part and just let one, "You never know what Mother Nature will throw at you" slip. And everyone assumed that meant an 'oops' happening before she planned.

The only tough thing about the weekend was that Sweetness got her first fever while I was halfway across the country. Thankfully my mom was with her but I still felt like crap. She's still got a fever that she just can't kick. It's making for long days and sleepless nights. They tested her for both types of flu and she was negative so they said it's just a bug. And, given my luck lately, I know that as soon as she gets over it, I'll be the sick one!

Murphy's law

2009-10-03T19:28:00.001-04:00

Confessions...

2009-09-13T20:41:00.002-04:00

First, I do have a post in the works regarding the completely UNBELIEVABLE fact that Sweetness turned 1 last week. But that's not what I want to blog about today.

Here's my confession. Since my period returned in the end of June (right when I went to nursing only morning and night), I've been unable to NOT notice when I might be ovulating and unable to NOT try to time things. It's a sickness really, a disease. And of course, I haven't been shocked my period does arrive, right on schedule. Why would I set myself up for this? After 2+ years of unprotected, perfectly timed sex resulted in nothing, you think I would have figured out not to get my hopes up.

What really gets me is that we found a GREAT house the other day. Liked it so much that we went to the open house today. It is almost my dream house. Front porch, nice back yard, tons of storage in the basement, eat in kitchen, etc, etc. And I'm tired of our house. I feel like it is getting smaller by the minute but mostly I'm tired of townhouse living, of hearing my neighbors sneeze. On one side this 60 year old guy plays his war video games so loud, I worry Sweetness is going to grow up thinking she's in a war zone. I'd like to not have the police at my pothead, juvenile delinquent's house on a weekly basis (especially since that does not stop him from dealing all day long). I want a drive way...and a back yard with a playset...and a front porch with rocking chairs where I can have a glass of wine at the end of the day.

We could swing it, it'd be tight because I don't think we'd get as much for our current house as we'd like. But we could make the payments. What is stopping us then?? Our Player To Be Named Later. We're starting to think about another baby. Not seriously because sleeping through the night has become a precious commodity. But we're at the point where we are now thinking about it. And we don't know what it will cost us. We could get lucky and only need to spend about 4000 like we did with Sweetness or we could be looking at 20000 or more. And that makes me mad, down right angry even. And then I get all "It's not fair, woe is me, my life sucks". And I know that's pathetic and my life is wonderful but it still isn't fair. Because IF has taken the whole "white picket fence, house in the burbs with 2.2 kids" and slashed it. It's almost like I can have one or the other.

I know others have said it as well but I want to have a bottle of wine with my hubby and then be surprised 2 weeks later when I'm pregnant. I want to not worry if, with each passing cycle, my eggs are turning more and more to shit. I want to not think about insurance, referrals, HSG, ultrasounds, nurses, blood draws, medication, injections, hot flashes, and failure. God, the failure. Part of me doesn't know if I'll ever be ready to deal with all that again. It was such a dark, dark time where I hated myself. And I don't buy the "you're so young line' anymore. First off, being young didn't help me too much in the beginning. I was 28 when we started trying, 31 when Sweetness was born. If we do decide to head back to the doctor's this spring, I'll be 32 almost 33. Times awasting.

I guess I just want it all...is that so bad???

Following up on the aha

2009-08-14T20:44:00.003-04:00

I wrote a little bit back in April about my "aha" moment related to breast-feeding and weaning. Now that we're hitting the 1 year mark I guess it's time to continue the discussion.

I did something that is really rare for me. And I think it's rare for a lot of us who go through IF. I didn't over-think it. I am a BIG time over-thinker. But I tried really hard not to. I didn't research until g.oogle told me to shut the f up. I took the few books I had about breast feeding and took them off my night stand and moved them to the basement. Over thinking used to work for me but it wasn't helping with this. This was too personal. In full disclosure, I did have a few lengthy email convos in June with my breast feeding guru, Perky but she's just an awesome person to talk to anyway. And she told me I should do it however I wanted (gotta love advice like that), that there were no set fast rules. Which I needed to here, because I like systems and rules.

And what I decided then was that, selfishly, I wasn't ready to give it all up. But I was ready to stop pumping. I can not tell you how much I hated feeding the robot twice a day. Some people say that it makes them feel better about being at work, that they're still doing something for their baby. I felt the exact opposite. Every time I plugged in and strapped the horns on I felt like a complete piece of shit. Like I should be feeding her, not a machine. Like having to sit there for 25 minutes twice a day was my punishment for leaving her. Completely irrational, I know, but that's where my head was at. So starting in June ( I made it a birthday present to myself), I started fading out my two pumping sessions a day. I did it really slowly and by the end of the month they were gone. My biggest fear about this was not being able to feed Sweetness over the weekends. But here is where Perky once again proved her expertise and said it shouldn't matter. And she was right. I continued to feed Sweetness on the weekends and my days off until mid-July, when SHE decided she much rather play with toys then stop to eat. I was still a little sad that the feedings were gone but I'm much happier knowing that they stopped on her terms. Her bottles at this point are half breast milk, half formula. Not because I think formula is evil and milk is best. But because the girl is a total food snob and won't take her formula straight up....STILL....2 months after introducing it. It wasn't worth the battle and luckily I had enough in the freezer so it didn't have to be a battle. I am starting that battle with cow's milk though because I am not about to spend beaucoup bucks on formula when I can get a gallon of milk for a fraction of the cost.

So now you're all caught up. I'm nursing her in the morning and at night, much to the shock of myself and everyone around me. I plan on continuing it as long as she wants, not so much for her, but for me. Because like I said back in April, every little ounce I give her means that my body is working. She's occasionally showing some signs of dropping them but then the next day she'll be all about the boob all over again. We're going to an out of town wedding in October and will be gone for 3 days and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the potential end. We'll see.

I've got another post brewing about some of the things I've learned from nursing this past year. As well as all of the things I'd do different if I'm ever lucky enough to get the chance at this again.

catching up

2009-08-06T13:42:00.002-04:00

It's appalling how bad a blogger I've been lately. My apologies. I'm going to try catch up real quick and then will hopefully get better since I'm switching to a part time schedule. Yeah! Forgive the bullets, real posts will follow.

- I'm still having a bit of a hard time with my SIL's pregnancy. Mostly I'm just jealous of how naive they are. They went with us to pick up a new umbrella stroller and bought a cute onesie on a whim. I never would have been able to do that at 14 weeks and it makes me sad.

- I went through a really bad patch with my dad. And it was something I wanted to blog out and I'm a little upset that I never got around to it. It's semi-resolved now but there are still some things rolling around my head that I might get out at some point.

- I'm moving to a 3 day a week schedule in September and I can NOT wait. I'm already getting some shit for it from my boss, which is surprising since it was her idea, but I don't care. I'm hoping it is going to help me find the right balance.

- Speaking of balance, I think whoever came up with the whole work/life balance thing should be shot. I have decided there is no such thing. So, what I've decided to do is just make sure I'm in the moment. Wherever I am, whether it be work or home, will get 100% of me. Now with work, that's sometimes a stretch. But I am getting much better about it at home. (this is also another reason I've been a bad blogger)

- And speaking of people who should be shot, whoever said "9 months on, 9 months off" deserves to be dragged out back and beaten down. Enough said on that one

- Somehow, my little Sweetness is about to turn one. I am in complete shock.

And since I still haven't started on her baby book, below is a list of some of the things she's doing that I will someday include in a baby book when I get off my fat, lazy butt. Feel free to skip it all

- took 2 unassisted steps today! I wish I could say it was towards me, but no, it was to my cell phone
- master crawler, always making a beeline for the cat or his water bowl
- cruising like crazy
- waves bye bye
- gives the bestest, most sloppiest kisses all the time. Just started kissing herself in the mirror
- is in the process of cutting her top two teeth
- has the world's sweetest, cutest giggle I've ever heard
- just developed a love for a stuffed animal, dragging her 'kanga' around wherever she goes

That's all for now. Off to catch up with you all, my reader is out of control right now

Happy sad

2009-06-14T23:22:00.002-04:00

I'm happy sad tonight. Mr H does not understand how one can be happy sad but I know all you out there will. My brother and sister in law, whom I love dearly, just announced that she's pregnant. I am ecstatic for them. It was their first month trying. They got to do the cute announcements to the family via picture frames and teddy bears. I had all those plans once too. Instead I got to email out beta numbers to a select group of people. Like I said, I am beyond happy for them. I love them both, I'm excited for Sweetness to have a cousin from the normal side of the family (Mr H's bro and SIL are a piece of work). But I'm reminded of just how much IF took from us. Of course, I've got Sweetness, and I couldn't imagine any other baby. Right now I'm just surrounded by people who have been able to plan their families down to the month. It boggles my mind. So it makes me happy sad. I've been trying to go to sleep for about an hour and half already but I keep going over this in my head. Now that it's out, hopefully I'll be too...

If it ain't broke, does it need to be fixed?

2009-06-10T10:08:00.004-04:00

I've got 12 minutes before I have to wake Sweetness up to take her to PT so I figured I'd use my time productively writing a post as opposed to mindlessly playing on F.acebook. Because this is productive!

Mel had a great post about resolving infertility that put into words what I've been feeling so much better than I ever could. I just assumed that when I had a child, through whatever means it took to get said child, that I wouldn't have to deal with IF anymore. Well you know what they say about assuming. I've read other bloggers for whom it's true but for me, personally, it couldn't be more false. Yes, the childlessness is gone and the gaping hole in my heart has been filled but I'm still stuck feeling broken. The thought of doing this whole thing over again to give Sweetness a sibling weighs down on me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not laying in bed crying over this 24/7. I do try to enjoy every second of her sweet baby-ness, partially because I know better than to take for granted that I might get to experience it again. But the slightest trigger brings it all back. Could be someone asking me what I'll do different for #2 or of course, someone joking that I've been fixed and better be careful because they know [insert random 16 degrees of separation here] who got pregnant without treatments for their second.

All the language around the IF urban legend of getting pregnant after treatments doesn't help the feelings of brokeness. So many people have used the verb "fix" when giving me their un-solicited assvice. Yet they tell me not to use "broke". Huh???

So with 1 minute left, that's where my head is at. I was trying not to blog about it too much. I mean really, who wants to read about someone lucky enough to have a baby complain about IF or feeling broke. But I might be blogging it out more often, just to clear my head. So thanks in advance for putting up with me.

Playing hooky

2009-06-05T14:02:00.002-04:00

I had to take Sweetness to her 9 month appt this morning. Of course they were running late. We get in the car to drive to work and what should take 5 minutes to get the highway takes 20. So I was bad, turned around and am playing hooky. I just didn't see the point of spending an hour in the car, working for 2 hours, then spending another hour and a half in the car to get home. Hopefully I can do enough work this afternoon and this weekend that I can still count the day. I've got no time saved up at all so every day I don't work my paycheck gets docked. Today is worth it though...it's been pouring for 2 days and the thought of sitting in all that traffic. Uggg.

Of course I'm blogging...not working.

Sweetness's appointment went well. I'm questioning their scale though. I weighed her at home the other day using the oh so scientific method of me getting on the scale and then holding her on the scale and she was much heavier. Doesn't matter though. More importantly, we finally got the all clear on the heart issues she had at the hospital. A nice regular rhythm and no need for any more follow up. Thank goodness. Nothing else really mattered.

Off to try to get some work done...

Randomness

2009-06-02T19:59:00.003-04:00

- Thanks for the birthday wishes. How lucky am I to share my day with these ladies?

- I had a good day. Kind of weird at times though, it was the first birthday since my dad left. And part of me thinks I sound like a 6 year old saying that. I'm an adult, it shouldn't matter...but it does.

- Still haven't resolved what to do about the whole weaning thing. And I am really stuck on the fact that things are, for once, working as they should. On the flip side, pumping at work is becoming more and more of a hassle. I hate feeding the robot twice a day for 30 or so minutes.

- I had my annual last week. He asked when we were going to start trying for #2. Yikes! Ummm...I have no idea. He did say just to call up and he'll give me a referral back to my RE. I questioned him about the whole BRCA gene and if he thought I should get tested. He was fairly non-committal but said that about 10% of cancer is genetic and the rest is just bad luck. His recommendation was to think about what I would do if it was positive and go from there. I think, that right now, I'm going to wait on it. The test isn't going anywhere, I'm taking all the appropriate proactive steps, and to be perfectly honest, I just don't want to start the whole rigmarole of doctors appointments and tests that it would inevitably be.

- Work--I have never been less motivated in my entire life. I hate that I've become one of those people that is just punching the clock and working for the paycheck. My co-workers and students deserve better but I just don't have it in me.

- Sweetness--is freaking unbelievable! I can not believe she'll be 9 months old on Thursday. Where does the time go??? She's crawling like a mad woman, babbling like crazy, pulling up on everything and her sole mission in life is to eat the cat's tail. She eats better than I do. Tonight for her appetizer (otherwise known as "something to shovel in her mouth while I feed the cat and get her real food ready) she had some cheese, grapes, and chickpeas. All I'd need is a glass of wine with that and it'd be like tapas! Then she had a summer squash medley, then peaches and some yogurt. I had a hot dog...so not fair. And I am proud to say that she's been sleeping through the night for the last 3 weeks. She finally dropped that night feed. I'm really glad I let her do it on her own. So many people were telling me she never would and I should just stop feeding her but not feeding a hungry baby just seemed mean to me. She now goes to bed around 7 or 7:30 and sleeps through until 6:45-7:15. It's perfect!

- Bloggy maintenance. So here's the deal with why I haven't posted in ages. Both blogger and wordpress are blocked at work. What do you all think about typepad? Is it worth the money? And can I password protect some posts but not others? I'm thinking that's the road I want to go down but I'm not sure. (and as an aside, that's another reason I'm annoyed with work, no blogging or facebook). Hopefully I'll switch to a new site soon and can be back to blogging soon. Still won't help my commenting problem...working on that one

Thanks for those of you who check in...I so appreciate it!

What works

2009-04-29T13:52:00.003-04:00

Isn't it funny how our "Aha" moments pop up out of nowhere sometimes? I had been doing some serious soul-searching lately on my indecision about weaning. As background, I was never a breast is best person. I figured I'd try breastfeeding, give it a month and a good solid effort, but if it was too much I was perfectly happy switching over to formula. In fact, I committed what many consider to be a cardinal sin of breastfeeding...having formula in the house before the baby was born. Now some will remember my freak-outs and visits with the lactation consultants back in September. Not long after that I became sort of zen about it. I was going to give it my month and then decide without regrets or looking back what to do.

Well, Sweetness will be 8 months old next week and I am starting to have some serious ambivalence when I think about weaning. She's in the process of dropping her night feeding and even that makes me sad. And I've been trying to figure it all out. Why am I so invested in something that was never very important to me? I've been driving poor Mr H crazy talking about it ad naseum when I had my "aha" moment yesterday. It just came out, as if I had been knowing it all along.

I was talking to a co-worker (and good friend) who just came back from maternity leave and our converstation went something like this:

Co-worker: "I can't believe you're still nursing and pumping at 8 months. You always thought that wouldn't be you"
Me: "Don't be surprised, it's purely selfish"
CW: "There's nothing selfish about it, plus you aren't one of those martyr people, you never even mention it."
Me: "It's completely selfish, this is the longest time my body has worked and I don't want to go back to being broken."

Just like that it came out of my mouth. I wasn't even aware I even thought it. And that's really it. Right now my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing...making milk. I still haven't had a post-partum period. I don't want to go back to messed up cycles and the like. Because then I'm broken again.

I wish realizing had helped me come to terms about what to do in regard to weaning. But at least now that I better understand myself, hopefully I can start making progress in that direction.

Workin for a livin

2009-04-20T14:09:00.000-04:00

Look at me, 2 posts in 2 days!!

Just a little disclaimer that posts like this used to drive me CRAZY, so I won't be the least bit offended if someone decides not to read.

I went back to work in January then took another leave in mid February. I say I did this because Sweetness needs PT but in really, it was for me. Work was fairly understanding and let me come in just one day a week.

I've had a love/hate relationship with working one day a week. On one hand, I love being home with Sweetness. She is just the most fun right now, learning something new every day. But I am someone who hates not giving 100% and not doing my job well. And being in 1 day a week just sucked. I would start dreading it the day before. I would have to spend the beginning part of the day getting caught up in changes to treatment plans and then would spend the rest of the day feeling completely ineffective because while my position is important to the development of the program, in terms of day to day operations, I'm not missed that much. And feeling that replaceable kind of sucks.

So starting in April I've been going in 2 days a week. Mostly to ease myself back into full time, which will have to happen in May. And that thought I really hate. I've gotten over all my issues with the Spanish speaking nanny. I made myself some flashcards and we've gotten pretty good at communicating to each other. As an aside, I think she really appreciates the effort I've made to learn some Spanish (the other family in the nanny share just calls her son to translate for her) and suddenly it seems that she knows more english than she did before. But I just don't want to work full time at all. I know it is short term and that in September I'll be job sharing, working 3 days a week...but I don't want to do that either.

This will probably be controversial and I am not saying that fertile parents don't love their kids, but I really think that in light of everything it took to get Sweetness here, I don't want to miss a single second of her growing up. I could care less that I hardly ever shower, that money is tight, that today I left the house with dried up Puffs on my shoulder. What I care about is that she takes her best naps snuggled up on my chest, that her whole body smiles when Mr H or I walk into a room, and that her giggle is the sweetest sound I've ever heard in my entire life. I don't want to take a single moment of all that for granted because I know that I am incredibly lucky and blessed to have been given such a gift.

Of course none of this is news to anyone. Most working moms miss their kids during the day and wonder if they are doing the right thing. But for some reason, the idea of working sends me right back to the brink of being depressed all the time. And I hated when I was depressed all the time. Plus I always figured that I was depressed all the time because I wanted a baby and couldn't have one. Now I've got the baby and the depression comes back?!?! I don't think it's PPD, since she's almost 8 months old, just 'plain ol I hate how some things in my life are' depression.

Which is equally ridiculous because I really am the luckiest person in the world. And I know it. I've got a husband who is an equal partner in pretty much every way and a healthy happy baby. What right do I have to complain??

There are no good answers here I know. We have no money and are slowly blowing through our savings. And while we're very lucky that Mr H's job is extremely secure, as is mine, it is still a bad time to be out of work. I guess mostly I'm just surprised that if we won the lottery, I would walk away and not look back. I always thought I'd be a super mom and wouldn't want to give up my career. But now it's career....what career? And super mom...what a joke!

Kudos to you if you've read through all these ramblings. I so miss blogging, getting it out there usually helps me to see everything clearer. Here's to getting over myself, right?

More bullets

2009-04-19T14:24:00.004-04:00

Once again, my vow to become a better blogger has failed. This time I at least had some good reasons. And so once again, the last few weeks in bullets

- A few days after my last post, Mr H's soon to be 99 year old nana fell and broke her hip. Nana is an amazing woman. She was still living on her own, doing her own cooking, cleaning, and shopping until August. In August she got what her doctor called "the worst case of ge.nital h.erpes" he had ever seen. Mr H and his mom where mortified but I so hope to be 98 years old and getting STD's. Anywho, after that they moved her up to NY into assisted living. When she broke her hip, the doc said she had the body of a 70 year old. They did a hip replacement surgery on her and she's now in rehab. Imagine an extremely stubborn person who had been doing everything a certain way for the last 99 years now re-learning how to walk, sit, put her shoes on, etc. It is not going well.

- About 2 days after Nana's hip surgery, Mr H's step dad found out he needs to heart valves replaced. This is open heart surgery. At this point it becomes somewhat comical as he has diagnosed, but untreated, OCD and anxiety induced hypochondria. Cutting someone like that's chest open and cracking his ribs....definitely worst nightmare. My poor MIL has started taking meditation classes

- About 2 days after we found out he needed heart surgery, my mom had another breast cancer scare. She was sent for round after round of mammograms and ultrasounds and ultimately told to come back for follow up in 3 months. This has happened before but it doesn't get any less scary, especially because my aunt (her sister) has been fighting breast cancer for the last 6 years.

So this is why (along with two trips to NY, one to FL and a drama filled visit from my dad) I fell back off the blogging wagon, my apologies...

more to come soon (I promise) on my working mom guilt and how IF is still coloring so much...

Lots to update

2009-03-03T20:30:00.003-05:00

We're going to go with the bullets for now. I'll try to expand on most of them in some upcoming posts. Just a warning lots and lots of baby talk ahead.

How much do I suck? I just logged on to update and saw my post for the last book tour sitting in my drafts. I remember racing to finish it before Obama's speech but I guess I forgot to hit publish. I also blame the fact that I had the worst cold of my life. Big oops on that one
I'm back on leave again, working just one day a week. I'm loving it but why you ask??
Well first, Sweetness needs physical therapy. She has to.rticollis, which is most likely due to her vacuum delivery. We go once a week to the PT and have a whole series of exercises to do with her 5 times a day. Given that it is her neck, I just don't trust someone else doing the exercises. The PT wants it to resolve by about a year or she'll most likely recommend surgery. So it is worth me being out of work to get this fixed. She hates it but somehow continues to be her smiling, sweet self throughout it all.
And second, our childcare is a hot mess. We were on the waitlist for the center at Mr H's work. When she was born we were down to # 32 on the list and they estimated we'd be in by March. Now, because of the sibling rule, we're # 57. And they are saying that all of the siblings are not going to get in. Freaking fertiles!
So for now we've got a nanny share right near my work. First time we went was last week. I'm still not sold on it and am going to keep looking. Something about it just seems off to me. I can't put my finger on it but I'm going to trust my gut. Until I find something better, I'm just going to keep on popping over there.
I can not believe that tomorrow Sweetness will be 6 months old!!! Insane
I caved and we are now crying it out. I didn't want to do it, and on some level I still don't. But now she is waking up to play, not because she needs us for any other reason. She is so much happier when she gets a good night's sleep. We're on night 3 of it. First night we had 5 awakenings lasting between 5 and 15 minutes, last night just 1 but it lasted for an hour. I'm still somewhat skeptical because she goes to sleep like a champ, has for months. I nurse her, rock her, sing a song, and put her in her crib with a kiss and she's out. Sometimes she's out until 1-ish when I feed her and other times she's out for about 90 minutes.
I realized that I can not think in non-TTC terms. Hr H was out of town last week and I felt those familiar O twinges along with all the other signs that I couldn't miss if I wanted to. My first thought...damn, we missed our chance this month. Ummmm...that would actually involve me letting him touch me and having the energy for such a thing! I seriously wonder how anyone has Irish twins!

Wow--those are some long bullets. My apologies for being MIA. I've been reading and following along with all of you. I've just been a VERY bad commentor. I'm going to try to be better though.

dreams

2009-01-14T10:56:00.002-05:00

Before I start with the post in my head, can I just say how much I LOVE the st.arbucks by work? First, they remembered me when I came back from my leave and made me feel like Norm from Cheers. And then today, after ordering my drink and realizing I forgot my wallet (oops), they told me not to worry about it. Now that is customer service!

Anywho, back to my dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant again. No worries, I highly doubt that I actually am but it still made me think. While I would love to be pregnant again sometime, now is definitely not that time. But this made me realize I need to be a good girl and make my doctors appt. I'm overdue for my annual (I really think I should get a pass on that...how many times was a doc up in my business already??) and while I'm there I'll talk to him about the testing for the BRCA gene and how that would effect future treatments. While he probably won't be as knowledgeable about it all as my RE, he does do some infertility treatments so it'll at least be a step in my info gathering phase. And it is a step that is covered by my insurance.

And for nightmares, a woman I work with just found out she is pregnant with her second girl. Apparently that is her worst nightmare. I honestly didn't even know what to say. I did say "I'm so glad the baby is healthy and fine" to which she replied, "Of course". But the best part of it all is that her husband is mad at her! I guess he missed the news that the sperm determines the sex. Ahh...ignorance at its finest.

Last Chance

2009-01-13T11:22:00.001-05:00

to vote for Mel!! If you haven't done it yet, you MUST click over right now and vote for Stirrup Queens.

week 1 down

2009-01-09T11:12:00.002-05:00

I think Sweetness caught on yesterday that the bottle was her only daytime option. At her 2 feeds she ate 3.5 and then 4 oz. I still need to look up and see how much she should be getting but at this point any increase is progress in the right direction. And I have decided that there is some consistency to her inconsistency...she has 1 great night followed by 1 horrific night. That's the pattern. We do the same exact bedtime routine at roughly the same time but it doesn't seem to matter. The only thing I have noticed is that the closer to 7:30 she goes to sleep, the better the night is. Last night was 8:20. We did start the bedtime routine around 7 but she decided to go back for seconds and thirds at the all you can eat boob buffet.

So thanks for your help and advice. And I know this is all to be expected and it'll get easier for me. (she's doing just fine). Yesterday was the first time she's had a 'first' without me and it kinda sucked. But I did ok, and was just as excited when I saw it later on that night. And as an aside this is a first that could greatly help our sleep...she took her pacifier out and put it back in her mouth all on her own!! Now if only she could manage that hand-mouth coordination at 2 AM!!

consistency

2009-01-08T10:58:00.002-05:00

That's all I'm asking for. But I guess it is way too much for a 4 month old to give. Monday night she slept amazing, Tuesday night was another story. Up pretty much every hour or so. Sometimes screaming, sometimes all smiles. Made yesterday a mess. And then last night was almost as perfect as could be. I just don't get it.

The whole barely eating from the bottle thing is killing me though. Because she slept so badly the other night I didn't wake her up before I left, just pumped and left a bottle for Mr H. She ate 1.5 oz. Her next bottle, about 2 oz and the next, well that just put her over the edge and she barely touched it. So then when I got home and was feeding her before bed, she was ravenously hungry. She ate like she has never eaten before. Typically she drains a side in under 10 minutes and is done. Last night's feeding lasted almost 40. Which of course broke my heart. I just sobbed as she was eating. I know she'll get used to the bottle and it will get better but right now I just feel like I am completely failing her. My poor baby spent all day hungry, probably waiting for me, and I wasn't there for her. It kills me. Being exhausted didn't help though. Today I'm much more well rested and my boss, once again proving how awesome she is, told me to come in at 9:30 today. So I got to sleep in a little and spend the morning snuggling Sweetness.

And the only good thing about having to pump at work...I am now caught up on everyone's blogs and actually have time to post myself!! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I should probably be working...

thanks

2009-01-06T10:49:00.002-05:00

You all are pretty darn amazing. Thanks for checking in, emailing, and joke telling. I'm not going to lie...the day pretty much sucked but I made it through in one piece. There were a few highlights though:

- Mr H telling me when I got home that "she's a lot of work". Nice for him to finally realize that!
- my boss approaching me about starting a Virginia branch of our outreach division with me leading it up. Best part about this...it is a work from home position. We'd still need some type of part-time childcare for times I am with families or clients, but Sweetness could be home with me probably 3 days a week. How awesome would that be! It all probably wouldn't get put into motion until the new school year starts in July but it sure would be easier to get up and leave her every day knowing it was short term.

The negatives:

- Sweetness barely slept at all and apparently screamed bloody murder for large chunks of the day. Even her new-found blankie (this was the best accidental discovery ever) couldn't console her.

- While we're lucky she will take a bottle, she pretty much will only take the edge off her hunger with it. Yesterday morning she only ate 2.5 oz. And then for the afternoon...well apparently she will only submit herself to the indignity of a bottle once per day. She wouldn't touch the thing. So she was one hungry girl by the time I got home. I think I spent most of the evening nursing. Today she chowed down and finished a full bottle so hopefully this was a short-lived protest.

oh...another good thing. She had her best sleep ever last night!! Went down around 7:45, woke up at 1:30 to eat and then went right back down until 6:30. Now if only I hadn't had crazy insomnia from 1:30-4 I might feel a little bit rested!

and one more negative...I have now worn the only 2 pairs of non-jeans I have that fit. Not sure what to do about tomorrow?

I feel like I should end on a positive so here's another thanks to all of you. It made me feel so much better every time a new comment showed up in my inbox.

oh...and this is the last thing I promise. Please go over and vote for Mel. We all know how freakin awesome she is...let's make sure the rest of the world knows it too!!

Operation Fill My Inbox

2009-01-04T21:22:00.003-05:00

The alarm is set, clothes laid out for tomorrow, bag packed. And yes, tears shed. Just mine so far but tomorrow I know she's going to cry and wonder why I'm not for her.

So to stop me from sobbing all day at work, please fill my inbox with smiles, stories, etc. This way everytime I get a spare minute to check my email, I'll see comments from you all and hopefully not spend the entire day being miserable.

Thanks ladies~you rock!

This is a test

2009-01-02T09:58:00.002-05:00

This is only a test.

Except on Monday it's all real. I decided to be a good worker bee and go in for a bit today. Clean out my inbox, read all the changes to plans that have happened since September, review staffing, etc so I can hit the ground running on Monday. I also thought it would be a good idea to see how long it takes me to get out of the house. And apparently the answer to that is longer than I thought!

I knew my office was used for a variety of different things while I was gone. Space is at a premium in a school and there was no way the space would be wasted. I got an email from some people the last day before the break saying that were setting everything back up for me. I guess to them that meant throwing all the furniture in the room and the laptop on the desk. I was so pissed this morning. The laptop was missing cords so I had to rummage through other people's offices to find them. Then I log on and realize it isn't even my laptop. Everything that was saved to the desktop is gone (yes I know, I shouldn't save there anyway) but most importantly, all of my pictures were gone. I need those! And then email on that laptop wasn't working so I ended up in the computer lab. Funny how punishing it can be to try to work over a break. That's what I get for trying to be good ;)

So I've been here an hour and haven't really cried or gotten too sad. I guess being pissed is a good strategy. This morning was hard though. Not only did she have a horrible night's sleep (woke up 9 times over 10 hours, you do the math...there's no long chunk in there), but she also really didn't eat this morning. And now I can't help but think she's going to feel so abandoned this morning. I've been good and haven't called Mr H to check in or anything. It's not that I don't trust him, he just gets frustrated so much faster than me. And Sweetness really picks up on that and won't calm down for him. I guess he'll just have to learn...

Expect a whiny self-indulgent post from me Sunday night or Monday morning. To top it all off, f.acebook is blocked at work! That has been my lifeline to the real world for the last 4 months, what am I going to do? (probably just blog more often I guess)

My last week

2008-12-30T13:25:00.003-05:00

This is my last week of leave. Crazy to think that the new year is here and I'm heading back to work. I know I shouldn't complain, I've had a 17 week leave but since I'm all about me right now I'm going to. On Friday I'm doing a test run, going in for a half day. I need to see what it'll take for me to be able to leave the house in the morning. And I think the half day will be good for Mr H. He seems to think that this is going to be a 6 week vacay for him. I'm just so sad that I won't be able to spend my days with her. She's just getting to be this sweet smiley little ball of love. And unfortunately she's turned into a bit of a momma's girl. There are many times when I've been the only one who can calm her down. That does not bode well for the next few weeks. I know she'll get over it and I'm not egotistical enough to think that I am in the only one who can care for her, but I am going to miss her like crazy. I really just like her, she's fun.

Although my sweet little lovebug seems to think that we are here for her constant amusement 24/7. She used to be the best sleeper at night, going down around 10, waking up to eat at 4, then back up around 7:30. Then about 2 weeks ago she started getting crazy fussy in the evening and I read that she probably needs an earlier bedtime. Well since we've done that she typically sleeps in 90 minute chunks and when we go in, she's all smiles and laughing. So starting yesterday there's no picking up and cuddling at night, just sticking the pacifier back in without eye contact. It feels so cruel but we all need to get some sleep!

Sweetness has had an exciting month. I took her down to Fl for my grandpa's 93rd birthday. She did AMAZING on the flight. I was nervous flying with her by myself but thankfully there are still nice, helpful people in the world. And to anyone who is flying soon, J.etblue has changing table in the bathrooms, apparently they are one of the few that do. I wasn't planning on changing her diaper on the short flight but Sweetness didn't read that memo. I think the whole plane wanted me to change that!

I hope everyone had a nice holiday. Mine was weird. On one hand, it was 1000 times better than last Christmas. Then I was praying that the IUI worked...and now I held the result in my arms throughout Christmas dinner. But my family still was incomplete. The holidays were so weird without my dad. Calling him on Christmas day to check in was just bizarre. And my mom has had just a horrible time. So guess the moral is something along the lines of the grass is always greener. I thought I would have everything I could possibly want but there was still a hole. (admittedly not as big as last year but a hole nonetheless)

Best wishes to everyone for 2009. I hope it brings you all the happiness in the world!

Save the toys

2008-12-15T11:02:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite things is looking at homemade toys at craft fairs and once everything came out about the lead paint and the chemicals in so many plastic toys, I started buying them for my nieces. I was a little sad when I read this. While I totally support making toys safer, I had not thought of the un-intended consequences of these laws.

As an aside, what a great weekend! On Saturday, I baked for our annual TOOTPU cookie exchange, we decorated the tree, and made a nice dinner. Then Sunday was just fantastic! I had so much fun with all the DC blog ladies, catching up and meeting some of the new people there. Then I went over to my mom's and we decorated her tree and ate all of the cookies for dessert. The fam was quite impressed with everyone's cooking talents!

Jump start my...

2008-12-09T13:38:00.002-05:00

heart...guess again. My car...nope, give up?? My uterus silly. Funny how it is still the topic of dinner conversations. Last weekend I mentioned my continued love of my RE since he called to congratulate us and see how things were going. My mom asked last week if having Sweetness "jumpstarted" everything so that we wouldn't need to go back if we wanted to have another child. (of course she did not say if we wanted to have another as she is already talking about Sweetness' little brother or sister but that is a story for a whole other post)

Back to my girly parts being discussed over beef stew. I've been going the education route more and more these days and talked about how we had unexplained infertility so there is no reason to think that anything would be different should we decide to have another biological child. Not to mention that the jumpstarting urban legend completely leaves out the fact that men play a role in the whole conception thing too. Me being pregnant did nothing to change Mr H's curly-q sperm. I don't think she really heard me but at least I said my peace. Which, for me, is a big change from last year. My tongue was permanently bleeding from biting it. Hopefully the more I challenge all the myths, they'll start to fall by the wayside. Wishful thinking I know but if a girl can't dream during the holidays...when can she??

Anyone out there?

2008-12-03T13:33:00.004-05:00

I'm determined to get back into blogging, if there is anyone out there reading. I've been reading and following everyone and promise to get back to being a good commentor too.

To recap the last 3 months:

- breastfeeding--has gone from horrible to good to ok to ouch to not too bad to....It really is a rollercoaster and is NOTHING like what I thought. I pictured a warm light coming in the window as I smiled down at my peaceful little baby nursing. HA!! She still screams her way through her evening feedings. The neighbors probably think we're torturing her. We've been to the doctor and ruled out reflux and colic and all those things. She just doesn't want to eat between the hours of 5 and 10. But she's putting on the pounds so I'm not supposed to worry

- sleeping--not to jinx anything but the girl is practically a narcoleptic. Soooo lucky on that front. We're working on getting her into her own room since she's still in the pack n play in our room.

- me--where to even start. I've had a definite case of the baby blues. I had a really hard time in early November, thinking back to all of the crap going on last November. And then of course I felt guilty for being upset. Pretty much every day I check and see what was going on this time last year. It's crazy, I thought I had moved on from all of this crap but clearly I didn't. On top of that, my mom is having a horrible time right now with the holidays. All sorts of family crap is going on. And I'm in the middle of deciding if I should go back to work or not. Nothing is ever easy I guess.

gotta run---shortlived little nap

I am thankful

2008-11-27T21:53:00.003-05:00

I promise some real posts coming soon.

Happy thanksgiving everyone!

bad kitty momma

2008-10-23T08:36:00.002-04:00

I feel so horrible right now. On Tuesday morning our cleaning lady came and apparently she shut the door to the bathroom in the basement....the cat's bathroom. I hardly ever go down there, it's Mr H's domain and he is out of town all week. So this morning, at 6 am, I open the door to the nursery to feed Sweetness and the cat runs in, squats under the rocker, and does a massive poop. Of course I yell and hit him (great reaction huh) and only after that think to check the door. So now I feel horrible, poor thing has been holding it for 2 whole days. I knew he had been extra needy and bad Tuesday night and yesterday but I just ignored it. I just really hope this doesn't become a pattern...and I hate that he picked the babies room to do it. Only saving grace is that we had a carpet remnant under the rocker to protect the new carpet so I just picked it up and threw it out.

He still hasn't gone in and used his litterbox yet though...guess I should be on the look out for pee somewhere too...

a nothing post

2008-10-14T18:36:00.004-04:00

I've logged in almost every day to post but once I get to this blank screen, I don't know what I want to say. Do I write one of those sappy posts about how amazing it is to finally have our little girl? Or do I annoyingly write about how freaking hard a newborn is? No one wants to hear any of that crap...and frankly I don't really want to write it. And I don't really want this to become a blog only about Sweetness.

So instead I'll write about something I am all too familiar writing about...doctor's appointments! I have my 6 week post partum on Thursday. I'm not really looking forward to yet another cervix check. And I know I'm going to have to fight him on the whole birth control thing but I figure since I was off the pill for 2.5 years and all I ever managed were two chemical pregnancies, there's no real point in wasting the money. I do plan on asking him more about testing for the breast cancer gene. I posted awhile back that my aunt tested positive for both BRCA1 and 2. I still don't know if I want to get tested but at least I'm now at the point where I can start gathering some information. I think getting tested would be the responsible thing to do, especially if we decide to go through fertility treatments again, but being responsible is no fun. It is much more my style to put my head in the sand and let my indecision make my decisions. I am SOOO good at that.

So this is my nothing post. I'm still trying to read everybody but don't always have the time (or a free hand) to comment, but I'm always thinking of everyone!!!

that ugly green monster

2008-10-03T16:32:00.002-04:00

no...I'm not talking about the r.ed s.ox here people

At my shower in mid-august my cousin mentioned having her last hurrah before trying to get pregnant with #2. Well she just IM'ed me and of course, she's 8 weeks along. I shouldn't care. Not only do I have my Sweetness but my cousin and I are super close and she was so supportive of me during all of our infertility crap. In fact, she found out right when Sweetness was born and didn't tell anyone right away so we could have our time. Which is beyond sweet. But still, I just hate that is comes so easy for some people....

can't think of a good title...

2008-09-26T15:02:00.005-04:00

Yikes, nothing like breastfeeding questions to bring out the commentors!!

Let me clear my poor LC's good name, she is not the one obsessed with time, etc, I am. In fact, she keeps telling me now that my milk supply is good, to just trust my body and trust the baby. Well, you all know that I have a VERY hard time trusting my body and I'm also a little nervous about trusting someone that poops her pants about 6 times a day. That doesn't inspire trust. And I'm obsessive by my very nature. I obsess over minutia for a living...seriously, I break complex behaviors down into their itty bitty components and collect data on those itty bitty things. And then I analyze and graph and do all sorts of fun stuff with it. So me collecting data right now on her time on breast, if she cues, and her pee and poop is nothing. There is so much more I'd like to measure (like duration of sucking but I don't have a free hand to work the timer, and I am SO not kidding)

But I am starting to relax about it all. When she's hungry the girl most certainly eats, and when she isn't, she doesn't. The fact that she is starting to visibly gain weight and has grown out of her first set of PJ's does make me feel a little bit better. So I'm working on the whole trust thing. But right now, there is no way I could stop with my data, no matter how many people tell me I'm being crazy, it makes me feel like I have some semblance of control and am doing something proactive to make sure she's eating and staying healthy.

In other news, my dad is coming to stay with us for the weekend. Cue family drama. You may remember he left my mom in June and moved 8 hours away...and no one really knows why he made the move. He's since lost his job so he's now completely alone with nothing to do. For a man with a history of depression as well as a history of self-medicating that depression, that is not a good thing. He says he's finally going to do something that makes him happy, instead of some corporate job. Only problem is, hiking and drinking wine seems to make him happiest. And he could open a hiking and wine store but that would be a pretty niche market...not sure how well it would do. So, he's flying down for the weekend to see the baby, my mom got all upset that she won't be able to see her this weekend (for the record, my mom lives under 10 minutes away and has come over on her lunch break to see Sweetness), my brother is pissed because my dad picked the only weekend all fall that he has to work...and Mr H and I don't really know what to do with him. The whole thing is going to be so incredibly awkward. Luckily, we have a bunch of things around the house that Mr H needs help with. So that will at least give him something to do. And...in a few weeks, he wants to come down and stay for the entire week to help me out. So this is really just a dress rehearsal. uggg...

Now I have to go vacuum for him, you see, the man is also very allergic to cats and never wants to take any allergy medicine when he comes over. uggg again...

hmmm...as I re-read this, writing about my neuroses and then my dad's makes my whole family seem kind of f-ed up...guess the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree...hopefully Sweetness will be spared

I'm a liar

2008-09-21T15:10:00.003-04:00

I have no groove whatsoever. Friday night was probably her worst ever. We could not put her down or she'd scream bloody murder. Being the bad mom that I am, I did not read in the baby book until saturday afternoon that between 2-3 weeks is a growth spurt and she's going to want to eat more often. So last night we picked up the feedings and she did a little bit better. But me, I've got no groove, who the hell am I kidding??

I have turned back into my OCD self and am completely over-analyzing every single feeding. It's just what I do...and its a whole new world for me to google. The LC says we should be doing 10 a side at each feeding, all of the books say a full feeding is at least 15 minutes (one says 15 a side, no way she'd ever do that). She typically does a 10 and then 2-3 minutes on the other one. So of course now I obsess that she isn't eating enough. I'm going to give the LC a call in a little bit....this is why people should never give me their home phone number ;) We're going in for a weight check tomorrow so that will put my mind at ease for a little bit. I tried to convince Mr H to let me buy a scale but no luck...aside from the fact that it is an outrageous idea, I would get even more obsessed.

Ok--still trying to finish the thank you notes from my shower that was now a full 4 weeks ago...see I have NO groove

Getting into my groove

2008-09-19T19:50:00.002-04:00

Before I start talking about myself, please go send some congrats over to my cautiously optimistic friend Bean. I am beyond excited for her!

Now onto me...we're slowly settling into a routine here. We got most of our feeding issues taken care of last week and she's now happily packing on the pounds. Of course it took a little help from 2 of my local ladies and a bit of intervention from a lactation consultant but since Sunday we have been exclusively breast feeding! And I'm trying to relax a little bit about the whole thing. I had been really tied to what all the books say is a full feeding (15 per side) but she has never once done that. She's not a snacker though so I'm trying not to be too concerned. And she'll give us 4 hours at night which I think is awesome. Mr H goes back to work on Monday so we'll see if I still feel as optimistic when I'm completely on my own!

In exciting news, I am down 23 pounds...only 3 more to go to hit my pre-pregnancy weight! And since I think each boob has to weigh in at least a pound or more, I'm doing pretty good. Even though the weight is gone though, there's still quite the belly. Not sure how to get rid of that though since too many trips up the stairs still leaves me sore. Of course, I then have about 25-30 'eating my emotion' pounds to lose and I doubt those will fall off as quickly. I did just promise Mr H that I wouldn't aim for the full 30--that was me at my skinniest and it was really hard to maintain. I was watching ever single thing I put into my mouth and at the gym 5-6 times a week. At this point, I don't want to be on that restricted a diet (I would only allow myself a glass of wine on the weekends, and by 'a' I do mean 1...what kind of life is that?!?!) and I know it's not realistic to think I'll be able to work out that much anymore.

Ok...here's my lame thing that I need advice on--and it's pretty lame. And not really advice, maybe just someone telling me that I'm not completely crazy. My sharps container. After we got our positive, Mr H wanted me to bring it into the RE at my first ultrasound. I said no way, that could be jinxing things, that we could go in and there would be nothing. Then he wanted me to bring it into the 2nd ultrasound and again I was too superstitious. I promised that if we made it out of the first trimester I would just drop it off at the RE one weekend morning. But I was never able too...and then I got too pregnant looking to be walking into an RE office on a Saturday morning. So it is still sitting in my kitchen cabinet. Part of me almost likes it there. And when people are over and looking for the corkscrew or bottle opener and I tell them where it is, I like that they see it as a reminder (yes, it was handily next to the bottle opener). But at this point, I know it is time to get rid of it. Even if we decide to get back on this crazy rollercoaster and try for a second, it wouldn't be for at least 2 years or so. But now if I were to bring it back to the RE's, I'd be doing it with a baby in tow--which is just as insensitive as going in with a belly. I wonder if the pediatrician's office could take it or something....or maybe my OB at my check up next month. hmmm....probably should have dropped it off there all along.

My quick little check in is taking so long...coming up next time...out of the mouth's of men!

quick question

2008-09-12T09:13:00.002-04:00

Is it normal for all my stiches to hurt worse and be more uncomfortable now than they were after delivery? TMI but it feels like I've got a tampon in wrong or something...

thanks!

The hospital

2008-09-11T16:50:00.006-04:00

I'm using this as my little journal. I wasn't even going to post it, just keep it for myself but then I didn't know if any of the info would help anyone else so here it is. Please feel no obligation to read my ramblings.

The nurses!! Aside from all of them commenting that I was just made to have babies and need to keep at it, they were amazing. They listened to me about my needs. Since I was so far along when I got there, I never had any time to get off the monitors, but they did offer at one point; too bad that was when the doc walked in and I was at 10 and it was time to break my water and start the pushing. I only had one nurse, over at the maternity side of it, who wasn't super impressive. And while I'm sure she was good, everyone else just went so far above and beyond my expectations, she ranked a little low.

So much of her actual delivery is a blur to me I need to get it out while I still have a chance of remembering. Such an amazing experience. Overall, I am just so glad I picked a great doc that I trusted. He was so calming in the room, and his personality combined with knowing what he was doing kept me calm and comfortable. Even though the delivery ended up requiring more interventions than either of us wanted (one of the reasons I selected him (aside from the glowing recommendation from my RE that I absolutely loved) was that he rarely used vacuum, forceps, or does an episiotomy), I completely trust that it was the right thing to do to get Sweetness here. Her heart rate was becoming more variable throughout the monster contractions and she needed to get the heck out of there. Plus, after 2+ hours of pushing, I was really fading. What I love the most is that before I actually needed the vacuum, he prepped and talked to me about it as a possibility during one of the loooong pauses I had between contractions, so I was able to process it. It wasn't suggested at the height of the pain or when there was no other alternative. I just love docs that actually listen to you. As for the episiotomy, I was tearing too unevenly and at that point her heart rate was getting into more trouble. No real prep time for that but I didn't really care--I wanted the kiddo OUT!

Mr H. did get to cut the cord and she was immediately put onto my stomach. She didn't get to stay there as long as I would have liked but given all of the heart issues and her general blue-purple hue, they needed to take her over to the warmers. I fortunately had no problems delivering the placenta and tried to donate the cord blood to the public bank but the sample wasn't large enough. And because of my super contractions, my uterus was ahead of the game and shrinking super fast so I got spared the p.ictocin that most people get automatically to deliver the placenta and after labor. I had no idea that was a typical intervention and I was glad my doc told the nurses to hold off because he thought I wouldn't need it. Sweetness was back in just a few, tried to nurse but all she wanted to do was sleep (she was that way for the first 36 hours or so--she's still a super sleepy baby).

Friday night we had a little scare. They came in to check both our vitals around 8:30 and the nurse said she couldn't really hear well with all the commotion in the hall (the people must have thought that were at a frat party or something for the weekend). About 1/2 hr later one of the assistants popped in and said that were just listening to her heart. I took that to mean that the nursery had gotten busy and she'd be back in a few. 15 minutes later, I sent Mr H down to check on things. 10 minutes later I called him. Her heart rate was again really variable, dipping down into the low 80's (should be 120-ish), sometimes jumping into the 140-160 range and occasionally skipping a beat. But that I shouldn't worry....men....they just don't get it. So I bawled and wailed for about a minute, then shuffled my way down to the nursery where the sight of my little girl hooked up to all those monitors with them beeping and 3 nurses standing over her put me over the edge. They had called into the NICU and the doctor was on his way down. I seriously have no idea how all of the NICU mommies manage it. I was a wreck. They brought me a nice comfy chair and I just sat next to her, talking to her with tears streaming down my cheeks. What scared me was that they closed the blinds and stopped letting other parents in. Now I get that it was to respect our privacy but I at the time I was just so sure it meant that something horrible was about to happen. The charge nurse kept telling me that babies get murmurs and arrhythmias all the time and she'd be fine--that since all of her other vital checks had been fine, they probably just caught a little fluke and now wanted to follow through with it. The NICU doc took that I thought to be an insanely long time to get there but it probably wasn't. And just like when you take your car to the mechanic, her heart rate was stable and fine while he was there. He did listen to everything for a long time and did what seemed to me to be a very thorough assessment. Ended up saying that she has a good little ticker and didn't think she needed any other tests or assessment. We decided that since she was spending her nights in the nursery regardless (they were just bringing her to me every 3 hours to feed), they'd hook her up to the monitor every hour or so to double check. She was fine the rest of the night and the pediatrician gave her a full work up that morning before discharging her so all is well but dear god--I don't ever want to feel fear like that ever again. But again, our nurse and the charge nurse were amazing. They tried to calm me (nothing short of a horse tranquilizer would have though) and took great care of Sweetness. They kept saying they probably just caught a little blip that everyone has occasionally. Despite the fear, I am so glad they followed up on it and called in the doctor.

The only negative about the hospital was that I let one nurse talk me into briefly giving her a pacifier. The girl likes to suck for sure and was using me as one...causing a ton of nasty bleeding but her feedings took a big nose dive after the paci. I knew I didn't want one but I let her convince me that it wouldn't mess anything up. And she sure did like it. But it's gone for now...maybe once we get this whole breastfeeding thing a little more established or something I'll bring it back for her. And it will be easier to fade out then all the sucking she does on her little fingers.

I know there is more I want to remember but I just can't recall it now. I did manage to put on my big girl panties and tell both my parents (in the middle of a divorce) that I did not care how they managed their time at the hospital but that I had waited FAR too long for this moment and if at any point either of them were taking away from my happiness, they'd both be kicked out of the room. I did feel like crap for saying it (my mom is so sensitive right now). But they managed it so neither was there at the same time. It did make me sad that my dad wasn't there right away (he moved back North). I have (had) a very close family and I always imagined everyone there after the birth, me showing off my little baby, etc. My dad was really sad too. He just cried the whole time he was at the hospital, especially when I had mentioned that my brother and his wife brought in food for all of us and how we just hung out all night.

Don't want to go into that all right now, much more family drama on the horizon that thankfully my dad did not mention the weekend she was born (so he did listen to my rules I guess)

anyway, if you read this, you are a true friend ;)

One week old!

2008-09-11T16:27:00.002-04:00

I can NOT believe it has been one week already today. I still feel like I'm playing house and babysitting. Or maybe I got a guest spot on that baby traders show or whatever it was. Sweetness and I are doing pretty good, with MAJOR thanks to this lady here, feedings are going 1000x better. And today I actually feel like I could do this.

Here's a little pic of the two of us this morning. Not the best picture of her, but it is the only one where I looked halfway decent so it'll have to do for now. Today marked the first day I put real clothes on. And by real clothes I mean maternity. Is it sad I was excited that my maternity pants fit comfortably again?? The last few days I've felt like such a milk maid all I've done is wear a robe. I was pumping or feeding every 2 hours, no real point in getting dressed then.

I'm working on a bunch of different posts, things I want to remember, our stay (and scare) in the hospital. Someday I'll have them all up. Let me just say one thing though--and I have a feeling I already wrote it down somewhere but the WORST thing about going into the hospital with a fairly easy labor is that every single nurse, from triage on down the line, had to comment about how I was just made to have babies, how many did I have, how soon would I be pregnant again, etc. Drove me crazy. And this is even after they mentioned that my chart said it was an assisted pregnancy--some people just don't get it, huh?

Thank you for all the good thoughts, throughout this whole process.

The sweetness is here!

2008-09-07T22:57:00.003-04:00

This will have to be quick, since I'm losing precious sleeping minutes right now.

Short version: Labor itself--pretty much a breeze, delivery--not so much, breastfeeding--ouch!

Had my first contraction at 12:45 Wednesday night and apparently they were quite real! I woke Mr H up right after posting on here (is it bad that you all knew I might be in labor before my husband did???) around 3:45. He was amazing through it all though, I'm so impressed with him. Around 5:45 I called the drs office, contractions were super variable, sometimes coming as close as 2 minutes apart, other times 8-10 and lasting anywhere from 20 seconds to 2 minutes. He said since I live right between his office and the hospital, why don't I swing by right before the office opens, he'll check me out and save me a trip and getting sent home if I'm not far enough along. And then of course he ends with, if it gets worse, feel free to go to the hospital. Well little before 7 I decided to go. Things were still super variable timing wise, but they were just getting SO intense I was having a hard time breathing through them. When I wasn't contracting, I was fine though. So I was figuring I'd get sent home.

Arrive at triage, they call doc to tell them I came in, doc asks them to check me. Apparently I'm at 8 cm already. No one believes that I could possibly be at 8 and still be joking and carrying on conversations aside from the contractions so all 3 triage nurses end up checking me (lovely, right). They all agree, I'm at 8. They admit me, doc is on his way, and I put in my immediate request for the epidural. Doc gets there in a little bit, I'm already at 9. Says he's going to change real quick and we'll be pushing in a few. Anesthesiologist gets there, asks if I can staystill. I was still fine outside of the contractions so we went with it---most amazing thing EVER!!! And I love that he set it low enough that I could still recognize when they were coming, very helpful for the pushing part. Doc comes back, breaks my water, and we started pushing at 9:04. He was VERY glad I did not wait to go into the office ;)

Pushing sucked--my family has pretty big head's and this kiddo is no exception. What also sucked was that for some reason I was having crazy long contractions (2+ minutes and he said usually they are about 30 seconds) followed by a 5 minute break or so. So I would end up doing 2 sets of pushes per contraction. And then we'd chat about vacation destinations in between...a little surreal. Two hours later Thursday morning at 38 weeks 5 days, with the help of the vacuum, (her heart rate was going way too low since the contractions were so long), The Sweetness arrived! 6 pounds, 15 ounces, 19 1/2 inches of sweetness ;)

She is beautiful and amazing and I pretty much cry every time I look at her. Breastfeeding went amazing at the hospital--not so much at home. Tomorrow we have a pediatrician appt (she's not really eating at all plus she's developed a bad rash on her back) and I am scheduling a visit with the lactation consultant. I've decided that I just can't nurse at all out of one side--it is way too painful and they said that once it starts to bleed, that'll just give her an upset stomach.

Anyway, just wanted to update. Thanks for all the good wishes the last few days. Aside from the expected craziness, since she was early and I was REALLY planning on having this weekend to do some hard core nesting, we weren't as ready as we wanted to be. But it'll all work out. Now, fingers crossed, she's still asleep upstairs and I can catch a few zzz's.

ow

2008-09-04T03:25:00.002-04:00

Had a bit of an emotional night, ended up sobbing to Mr H for about an hour and I'm still not sure why. Then, around 12:30, I woke up with a major OW! People always say you'll just know when it's a real contraction and I didn't quite believe them but now I know. Been up ever since, in the last hour they're ranging from every 20 minutes to every 5, no real pattern just yet. And always less than about 20 seconds. So I'm guessing I'll get to meet this little girl in the next day or so....absolutely crazy. Of course, an hour ago I was crying again that the new memory card for the new camera isn't in yet.

Oh...and I have completely re-thought my approach to pain meds. I wanted to do as much as I could without the epi and get it only at the end. HA! Breathing my ass, please inject something directly into my spine as soon as possible ;)

And after posting this for you all to see, this better not be a false alarm...

An eruption

2008-09-03T19:25:00.002-04:00

I thought having made it to 38 weeks 4 days meant I was safe...safe from stretch marks across the belly. Now I had a few on each hip, but I had them already from the 6th grade...the horrible year I grew 11 inches. They have grown more, but I didn't care too much about those. Apparently one is never safe. In the middle of the day, when I went to the bathroom, I noticed that a sea of stretch marks seems to have erupted from my belly button. Seriously, one of those volcano people (magmaologists maybe??) could probably study the way they flow out in circles around it. Oh well, I will happily trade in my bikini wearing days.

In other news, I think tomorrow is my last day of work!! I was already planning on coming in late on Friday for a doctor's appointment and at this point it isn't worth the crazy long drive. Being in the car is probably the single most intolerable thing right now (which I recognize means that I am currently living a very blessed life). Part of me is super excited and the other part (the part that has been working her big ol butt off developing all these new fun training series and systems) is a little sad that someone else is going to be implementing it all. I want to do it! Plus, I'm a little worried that I'll be bored next week. Now I will enjoy napping whenever the mood strikes me and I know there are things I could do around the house, but I know that I am inherently lazy and I won't do any of them. I will sit in bed, knit, and watch daytime TV. Hmmmm...once again, a blessed life!

Speaking of blessed life, I am beyond happy that my uncle (I definitely consider him a second father) found out that he does not need lung surgery to remove some nodes they found. They had been debating taking half his lung but now say they can remove just the nodes in a day patient procedure. I am SO glad he's going to be ok!

Oh...and I did take some pictures of the pretty much almost done nursery (still stalking c.raigslist for a glider) but the camera is still upstairs, the computer on my lap here...you see the problem don't you. Promise they will get done, next week at the latest!

Oh...there's always one more thing....thank you all for the good wishes lately!! You are all part of the whole blessed life thing ;)

little update

2008-08-30T11:54:00.002-04:00

I got kind of sad last night realizing that I never kept a journal of anything of this pregnancy. I was too scared that it wouldn't work out. Now I wish I knew when Mr H first felt her kick or when you could first see the nightly earthquakes she produces through my belly. So here's my lame ass attempt at chronicling the next 2 (or 3 weeks I guess).

Had my first internal where my hopes were up yesterday. I did get one at 29 weeks when I was experiencing pretty intense braxton hicks, but then I wanted to hear that nothing was going on. Yesterday I really wanted to have a good reason for constantly feeling like someone was thrusting a knife into my who-ha and twisting it around for sport. I wake up each morning feeling like I've been in a gang bang or something. But nope, only 50% effaced and fingertip dilated. And I think the only reason he said fingertip is that he thought I might cry. He did end the appointment telling me that he was doc on call for the long weekend and that someone has to be the lucky one that goes early....but I'm not counting on it.

Which is a good thing, since my mom is coming over on Monday to cook and freeze things with me. We're making meatballs (my grandpa is the reason I am a meatball snob, he made the best meatballs ever and it is the only recipe I have that I will not sure, I will only eat homemade, everything else is crap), probably a few kinds of sauce, and maybe soup or something. That means the project for the next 2 days is to eat everything else that is in the freezer...and there's a lot of yummy ice creams!!! Sure is hard being me, huh!?!?

Hope everyone has a wonderful 3 day weekend!! My brother and wife got a new puppy yesterday so we're headed over there in a few. So excited to play with him!

it's baaacck

2008-08-26T20:51:00.002-04:00

morning sickness. Completely sucks. Since last Saturday I've been sick each morning. Doc says just to make sure I don't get too dehydrated. It was reassuring in the beginning, now it is just annoying. It is hard to puke or dry heave with a this basketball in the way.

But enough complaining. Pretty much all is done now. We'll be installing the car seat tomorrow night and getting it checked thursday or saturday. Nursery is pretty much good except for little finishing touches. But we've got all the necessities if she should decide to make an early appearance. The braxton hicks have picked up in intensity and twice in the middle of the night I think I had a real one. She's definitely dropped because I can breathe again, just can't walk or drink more than a few ounces of water.

That's all the news. School started yesterday so my butt is officially kicked. I'm exhausted. Heading to bed nice and early tonight.

and yes, I promise pictures soon

Contents of my grocery cart

2008-08-21T19:13:00.003-04:00

I should have taken a picture. In my basket were: breast pads, maxi pads, and....B.en and Jerr.y's chocolate fudge brownie. Yum! I went with the self-scan for checkout. I did not need some cashier discussing me in the break room later on.

Thanks for all your sweet comments. Nice to know that my shopping trip last week paid off! I love that shirt I was wearing. Going to have to find a few more times to fit it in.

The shower was beautiful. My sis-in-law, cousin, and college friend threw it and they did an amazing job! And we got so much stuff! Everyone was so amazingly generous. It was wonderful to have so many people I love there celebrating little Q.

Speaking of stuff, my friend also filled her car with all of her leftover "necessities" she is giving to us. Generous yes but she has a very liberal version of necessity. I mentioned that we were going the minimalist route, not only because we don't have a ton of space but also because I feel very strongly that an infant does not need cashmere, or a bouncy seat with an ip.od hook-up, etc, etc. I also told her some things we already had that other people had given us. Her necessities included 2 bouncy seats (told her we already had one for our house and one for my mom), a swing (told her we didn't have room), a travel swing (really???), dry clean only baby clothes (what??) and some other ridiculous things. And in case you were wondering, she lives in a very wealthy Connecticut suburb. Makes sense now, right?

The day after the shower my cousin, who is a photojournalist but does other photography on the side, took some maternity pictures. I was against the idea of them at first but realized that I want some memory of this. And I would have not been comfortable being bare-bellied in front of anyone else. They came out amazing, still not sure if I'll have the guts to post any other them or not though. If any of you FL ladies (she lives around T.ampa) are interested, she really is fantastic.

Saturday is a big milestone....full term, 37 weeks! I've been making a conscious effort to enjoy the last few weeks. I'm afraid I'm going to resent the fact that I was so scared in the beginning and kept rushing it along. I'm also afraid that she's going to come before we're ready! I still haven't packed a bag, haven't finished buying everything, our to do list is VERY long. So long that I broke it down into deadlines. Things that have to be done before she comes and things that can wait. Because otherwise it was way too overwhelming.

Had my 37 week appt today. Was negative for the group B strep, for some reason this test didn't even bother me and was probably the only thing I didn't worry about this entire time. I'm at the point that I just want her to come out healthy, if that meant I had to be on antibiotics beforehand, so be it. Only thing that upset me at the appointment was that on the scale, they almost had to move the big one on the bottom over a notch. Mr H so did not get why this made me upset and gave me the whole, it's the baby, you'll lose the weight speech. Rationally, I get all that, but there is something about jumping into that next category that upsets me. Also because I don't only have the pregnancy weight to lose (26 lbs so far) but also the 30 infertility pounds. Those are really the kicker! So of course, since I'm bummed about the numbers on the scale, what do I do....go to the store to buy boob pads and ice cream!!! Very good choice, right??

exhausted

2008-08-17T18:41:00.002-04:00

Had a fantastic weekend with family and friends. Promise to post more later but am slowly going through all of this stuff. It looks like a baby store threw up all over our house.

Here's one pic from the party that passed my inspection ;)

Yes, I am large and in charge! (and sitting with really bad posture, no wonder my back hurts all the time)

oops

2008-08-15T11:31:00.003-04:00

Sorry it's been almost 2 weeks since my last update. And thanks to those who checked in. Nothing is going on...just the normal, still working 2 jobs and being crazy swollen and tired. I have been uber productive at work the last two weeks (I think that is where all of my nesting energy has been going) and am training in my replacement at my other job so by the time I get home, all I do is shove something in my face that I hope doesn't give me heartburn and lay down.

Had my 36 week appointment today. I can not believe we're down to 4 weeks left! Everything's still looking good. Even though I'm swollen beyond believe (it actually hurts to walk by the end of the day), doc said there's nothing to worry about. The Braxton hicks are picking up in intensity but again, they say that's normal. And to drink more...but I'm already at about 100 ounces per day, and I refuse to make any more bathroom trips than that.

My shower is tomorrow, really excited for that. Mostly just because I want to have everything set up, organized, and ready to go. And then a work shower next Friday. That's usually a nice big gift card, which will be good to get anything else we need. Then I guess it's hurry up and wait...

boring and don't know anything

2008-08-04T20:03:00.003-04:00

First off, I can not access both blogger and b.logspot at work again so I again have procrastination tools. It was a rough few days for a while there.

Had another boring OB appointment on Friday. I do like boring appointments but sometimes I wonder what the point is. This time I had a list of questions, even though I knew every symptom I have is normal, I just wanted to take up a little of his time. Even with all my questions, I'd say the appointment was under 5 minutes. But I definitely don't want drama...no drama at all. I did ask if I'd ever get another ultrasound and he the answer was no. Little bummed about that. I'd love to sneak a peak, I'm so curious what she looks like!

Still pretty much in denial about everything that needs to get done. Apparently I should have a bag packed, diapers bought, clothes washed, and all that stuff...but I don't. I still can't fathom bringing home a real life baby in 6 weeks.

Thought alot about the whole birth plan thing. Found some crazy ones (one person specified what playlist she wanted at certain points in the labor...how insane is that!!!). I decided that all I care about is a healthy baby and however that needs to happen I'm fine with. Conception certainly wasn't what I thought it would be and I got over that (well, sort of). I just don't want to go in with any expectations. And, I never went to med school, so really, who the hell am I to make demands about any of this? Apparently I don't even know how to get myself knocked up...why on earth would I think I knew anything about delivering a baby!?!?

Not a very interesting post, sorry...it's all about how I'm boring and don't know anything...lovely right??

What a year

2008-07-31T20:16:00.003-04:00

Wow is all I can say. I remember how scared I was writing my first post last year, on the eve of my HSG. While I said originally that all I wanted to do was have a journal for myself, I was still terribly scared about mean comments and just generally being out there for the whole world to see. I felt incredibly alone, entering a world that I did not know. Almost like being in a completely foreign country without a guidebook, not knowing the language, customs, or what to do. I remember going to my first TOOTPU gathering and leaving there saying, "wow, they were all normal" And realizing that made me normal too. So instead of being alone and scared, I stumbled upon an amazingly strong group of women, without whom I would not have a shred of sanity left. I have been so fortunate to form some wonderful friendships, both IRL and in my laptop. So thanks to all of you.

And now for my pseudo-devastating news of the day....blogger has been blocked at my work. I can no longer click through to read anyone's blogs during the day. How am I going to take my mental health breaks during the day?? Or congratulate someone when they get their second line or their match? Or hug them when it doesn't work out? Totally sucks.

I'm not in half as snarly a mood as I was yesterday so this will be a much more even kneeled post, with far less four letter words. Went for another walk today, that's 3 times in 3 days! Go me! And tomorrow is the last day of summer session at school. Which means that even though I still have to go to work on Monday, there will be no students there and only about 1/4 of the staff. Much more peaceful. And I can flex my time a little so I can sleep in (yeah!)

Dr's appt tomorrow morning, here's hoping I didn't put on another 7 pounds in 14 days like last time! I did spend some quality time with my guys Ben and J.erry earlier in the week. They are just such good friends to me!

Thanks again to all of you who listen...I hope you know just how much it is appreciated

My 18 year old self mocks me-and other random thoughts

2008-07-30T19:28:00.003-04:00

Lots of little things today

- First, I just realized that tomorrow is my blogversary! Wow--I thought I had missed it. I find it impossible to even think about how I functioned without all of you!

- Back in high school I worked at the mall (yeah C.laire's) and in the summers I used to watch the 50 year old women and pregnant ladies walk the mall each morning and night. And boy did I judge them. I would never get out of their way and always thought that if they really wanted to exercise they should get out into the world. I may have muttered that on occasion. Well last night I met my mom for dinner at the super big mall near us. The restaurant was at one end. After dinner, she had an errand to run at the complete other end and asked if I wanted to come along. When we reached the store all completely out of breathe (well just me, she was fine) I realized this was SOOOO much better than dragging my butt back out after getting home and walking in the still 90 degree heat. And then on my way home today I did it again. It felt good to check off 35-45 minutes of walking before getting home today. Who have I become?

- According to other well-meaning ladies, I managed to be a horrible mother twice in the span of 20 minutes, and of course this is all before the kid is even born. First, while getting gas, some random older woman came up and told me that under no circumstances should I be pumping my own gas because didn't I know the fumes would be bad for the baby. WTF and mind your own f-ing business. The fumes obviously did something to your brain you batty old lune. How on earth would it possible for someone to go 9 months without pumping gas??? And then in the check-out line at the grocery store this perfect 25 year old mother a 2 year old and an infant looked in my cart and said, " Yeah, when I was pregnant, I tried really hard to eat all natural and organic foods. And I think my kids are better for it". STFU--I highly doubt the kid will come out orange because I had the nerve to eat some mac and cheese. You know, the good powdered kind, full of all sorts of nasty chemicals. So yeah, I'm going to be a horrible parent, but at least I won't be a know it all ass (damn, I totally should have said that)

- While at the mall I noticed two women. One was also pregnant and had the perfect body and was wearing the shortest short shorts. I can't they make maternity shorts that short. Seriously, she looked better in them than I ever would when 8 months pregnant. So I hate her. And then a little public service announcement to a different short short wearing young 20-something. If one is going to wear shorts that have less coverage than some underwear, please take care of your personal hygiene. One should consider a good thorough wax. Disgusting

- Mr H has been out of town all week for work. I never sleep as good when I'm by myself and you can see this turns me into a pretty snarky bitch. Worst part is that they are staying at this amazing golf and spa resort. He called me after work on his way to the pool to sit in the lazy river. I wanted to kill him.

Think that is enough random thoughts for now. I had other things spilling through my head all day but most of them got kicked out by my super annoying gas and grocery outing. Oh--and thanks for agreeing that those undies were defective. Mr H said I should return them---like I would really waddle my big ol ass into a store and say that these ripped on me and I want my money back. That is only good for a hazing ritual or something, no way I would ever do that!

You know you're a heifer when...

2008-07-28T14:25:00.003-04:00

....you go to the bathroom and your underwear breaks. The string on it just snapped. And this was underwear I bought last week in a size larger than I usually wear. Must have been defective, right?? Tied it back together since I am no longer in a position to go commando. Came back into my office to cry into my o.reos

2 worlds (or me and the Venn diagrams)

2008-07-27T13:13:00.005-04:00

So lately I've felt like I'm circling two different worlds, not really a member of either one but also not having a place to identify with. Like one of those funky Venn diagrams from 8 grade. You know, you've got Circle A and Circle B and a the little place they overall is A and B....but I'm an R or something crazy off to the side. I'd like to be an A and B in that small cozy little spot in the middle, surrounded on all sides by the amazing people of both circles, but it just doesn't work that way.

Here's my case in point...and I admit in advance that it is a kind of lame example. I've mentioned before that I love f.lair on f.acebook. Well on the same day last week this beautiful lady sent me some f.lair all about how annoying fertility advice is. We all agree, it most certainly is. You ladies are all my A circle. You are were I am most comfortable. However, everyone not in this circle seems to think that I ran like a bat out of hell away from Circle A and never looked back...that I've been 'cured' or something. Later on that same day my dear cousin (who is one of the very few IRL people who knows every gory detail of our trek to get pregnant) sent me some cute pregnant f.lair about creating people. How fun would it be to be a part of Circle B?? Just to be pregnant, taking it all for granted, complaining with everyone else, making conception jokes (this is a post for later in the week, I just lifted my baby shower ban, thinking I could pretend to be in Circle B but I soooo can not). Circle B was what I wanted all along...but I can't fully join and, even more to the point, when I try to join, those Pure Circle B's don't really want me. I scare them I think. Especially when they already ask when we'll be trying for a sibling (seriously, can't I get this one out first) and I say that we aren't sure if we'll go through all the rigamaroll again and that we're just focused on this amazing blessing. I don't think they like the reminder that you can be young and still have infertility...that it could be them next time.

So that leaves me with either being the A+B in the middle....or that R floating somewhere in the corner. A+B is tricky business, I haven't been able to find a good way to navigate that circle. And I didn't put up either of those pieces of flair, because I can't figure it out. But being an R....well being an R just sucks. It's lonely. And I know this is my issue. All of my lovely A ladies do not make me feel excluded, I do that to myself.

Not sure where all this leaves me...just had to dump a bit. Thanks for reading (and thanks for the diaper bag advice earlier....only problem with those discount sites is that I want more than 1). Oh and I did take pictures of the crib and dresser (and I did cry as they carried them upstairs) and I'll post them as soon as I upload everything.

home

2008-07-25T11:16:00.002-04:00

I'm homing taking a sick day today. Am I really sick enough to be skipping work? I'm not sure. There's strep throat and some nasty colds going around the school right now and I was all sniffly and post-nasaly yesterday (lovely image right) and woke up this morning feeling like crap. So I decided to go back to sleep. Even if I'm not technically sick, a day of rest is certainly going to go a long way in making me feel better faster. Problem was, I really wanted to save up my leave. We get hardly any. Starting each July, we get 11 days, plus anything that we carried over from last year. 11 days doesn't get you to far when you're doing IF treatments so I think I only carried over 1. So that means of my maternity leave, I will have 11 paid days, out of 12 weeks. Yikes.

Thank you all for the support on my last post. I ended up having a pretty ok day. Since we were getting new carpets installed and I wanted to be out of the house and my mom is still in need of pretty constant distractions, she decided to take me to buy the stroller we wanted. We hiked up to this place others had recommended, Gr.eat Beginnings. Fantastic baby store...so much better and nicer than any of the others. It ended up being a really fun day. We got the stroller and even though we weren't registered there, I was able to show my mom everything that we did register for.

While we are on the topic of registering, can we discuss diaper bags? And why on earth so many of them are in the hundred dollar range (or more)? I just can not justify spending 150 on a bag that it literally going to be a shit carrier. I will be putting poopy clothes, diapers, etc in it. Now I like bags as much as the next girl but is it to much to ask for a basic diaper bag around 50 bucks that is fashionable and can be washed? I don't want to carry W.innie the P.ooh around or anything, but I also don't want something that is dry clean only. I guess I don't understand the designer moms or that kind of thing.

Things are moving along here. We got our new carpet installed last weekend. When the guy came to measure, he said we still had the original carpet from 1978 and even then, it was builder grade, not upgraded at all. You would not believe what a difference it makes. We went with the cheapest, figuring that alone would be a fantastic improvement (and it is) and I'm really hoping that the market will turn just enough that we'll be able to sell and still afford a single family home in the next 2 years. Listening to my neighbors pee on either side of me is getting a little old.

Crib and dresser get delivered tomorrow. Part of me can't wait and the other is in complete disbelief. I honestly never thought we'd make it this far. I walk into 'that' room now each day and even though the only thing in there is an ironing board, I still cry. I am finally starting to think that there will be a baby here at some point soon. In fact, right now, I can't think past September. I really want to treasure every second that is left, since I rushed through the beginning with so much fear and detachment. I'm trying to be realistic and recognize that, most likely, I will not get this experience again. I don't know if we will have the finances to do it or if I want to get back on the rollercoaster again. So the next 7 weeks are it.

7 weeks...crazy

I shouldn't be sad today

2008-07-19T09:25:00.002-04:00

I shouldn't be sad and I shouldn't be sitting here thinking about what could have been. This week would have been the due date for my little November angel. I only knew I was pregnant for 5 short days but, at the time, they were the 5 best days of my life. I don't think I ever really gave myself time to grieve the loss. I jumped right into my first IUI days later, pumping myself full of hormones. Hormones always do wonders for mental states, right??

So now I sit here, just feeling sad. I've tried to think of a better word for it, something more descriptive, but sad really covers it. And I feel horribly guilty and wrong for that sadness. As I am typing this, I can feel little Q moving inside of me. I am so lucky and blessed. And I know that there are many women out there who pass a missed due date and aren't as lucky. Right now my heart breaks for them. So while I do feel bad about being sad, I can't help but think about what could have been.

As I think about it more, I think my general sadness is really more due to this bringing back all of the IF crap. This baby would have been a do-it-yourselfer. Conceived in our own home, own bed, with just the two of us there. As cliched a story as it would be, getting pregnant on the cycle before starting treatments, who really doesn't wish that happened to them? Instead I got a big, bloody reminder that we couldn't do this ourselves. Instead I went headfirst right back into day 3 ultrasounds, shots, watching the sunrise waiting for a morning wanding. Random doctors either cracking lame jokes between my legs or filling the room (and my uterus) with their god-like complex. As people around me joke about what we must have been doing last Christmas, me thanking Mr H for the diamond earrings, he got a flat screen so I got a baby, and other lame jokes like that, I think to myself...you have no fucking clue. Christmas I was 2 days past my iui and spent most of the day in tears. I think that is what I'm mourning more than anything else. The fact that the baby we made by ourselves couldn't make it.

But I know I shouldn't be sad...

never thought is possible

2008-07-17T15:53:00.002-04:00

to gain 7 lbs in 2 weeks! Yikes! What a freakin fatso I am. And to make it even worse, my stomach is measuring 2 weeks behind (30 weeks) so I can't even blame it on the baby. Other than my fatso status, a boring appointment, the kind I like. Got my butt shot today, the nurse commented on how relaxed I was about it. While I didn't have to do any IM shots during my IUI, I still somehow didn't really mind the butt shot, just one more thing on the list to do to get a healthy babe.

And thanks for the good thoughts for my friend, she got the all clear--no fibroids or blockages in the tubes so she's getting ready to start her IUIs.

Pretty boring post, sorry. It's been a pretty boring week. Been doing lots of training of our new staff, which is nice since it gets me out of the classroom and sitting down for 1-2 hours a time. Definitely makes my days go a bit smoother. And it seems lately that if I don't have anything to bitch about, I don't blog. And that's mostly because I don't want to be one of those complaining pg lady blogs. I know how blessed and lucky I am and recognize that this could very well be my only pregnancy, so I might as well try to enjoy every second of it. (hmmm....wonder if I'll let that same logic apply to delivery, probably not)

and thank goodness it's almost the weekend!

Good thoughts for a friend

2008-07-15T20:29:00.001-04:00

A good friend I work with (see the beginning of her story here) is having her HSG tomorrow and is understandably nervous. If you've got any good thoughts to send her way, please do. She is so like me. She wanted me to go through the entire process and how each step felt. Of course it's different for everyone but I so much appreciated the people who told me that yes, there are parts that do hurt...forget 'uncomfortable'. I'm hoping she gets the all clear so she can start IUI's next cycle.

As for me, after my night of horrible BH a few weeks ago I have been the queen of hydration (seriously thinking of making myself a crown) and have been using a heating pad on the old ute nightly. It has made such a difference. Between that and my super fancy lumbar thingy for the car, I pretty much only get them if I have a full bladder, full stomach, or get a swift kick/punch. Of course those things all do still happen pretty darn frequently but if I can stave them off a night, I'm a much happier camper during the day. As for the car lumbar thing, I left it in my mom's car over the weekend and Monday just happened to be one of those commutes from hell. I take 2 pretty major highways for this area to work and both had accidents on them. Over an hour drive resulted in so many BH that I lost count. They stopped as soon as I got to work and was able to sit for a few minutes. You bet I stopped at my mom's after work to pick up my pillow thing. I thought it was over priced but now I realize it was worth every penny. I don't care that they can't explain why I get them so much in the car, as long as I can stop it!

Off to veg in front of the tv for a bit, hope all is well in blogland

what is that room in my house?

2008-07-12T20:57:00.002-04:00

Apparently it is the start of a nursery. My family staged a bit of an intervention last week basically telling me to get my head out of the sand and start getting ready for this kid to come. I was told that the baby is going to show up whether I have things ready or not so wouldn't it be better to get ready? So we had a painting party with my brother and his wife. The room is a nice light green. It doesn't scream nursery thankfully since we're hoping to move in a few years. New carpets in the whole house are getting installed next week (our house is 32 yrs old and still has the original carpets, thankfully not shag but still pretty nasty) and the...gulp...crib and dresser get delivered the weekend of the 26th. Holy shit.

Since we had handy, free labor available, we also painted our bedroom. We have been wanting to paint in there since we moved in. The previous owners were big fans of two-toning things so it was a urine yellow bedroom with one wall looking like someone who is extremely dehydrated. It looks SOOOOO much better now. Just need to do some touch-ups tomorrow (only problem with free labor is that you have to give them beer and the quality of work tends to go down as things progress) and I can't wait to put it all back together.

So that's my exciting weekend. Have to work for a bit tomorrow, but it's my private consult work so at least I get paid for it. Otherwise only 3 more weeks of summer session left...and they have to go better than this week did....there really isn't anyway for them to go worse.

oh....and my only other news, I have become addicted to F.lair on f.acebook..someone needs to stage an intervention for that!

if one more person...

2008-07-08T10:41:00.002-04:00

comments on how big I am, how long I've been pregnant, or how much longer I have to be pregnant I will not be held responsible for my actions. And yes, I know my ankle bones are MIA but it's hot and you see, DC was built on a swamp so it's also humid and nasty. And yes, I know I should stay off my feet but I work in special ed and I can't really tell all these cute little kids that I need to rest for 15 minutes and could they please find something to do...because they won't, in fact, they'll probably just play with their poo and since I don't want to clean it up, it is much better for me to just not take that break.

Have plenty of updates for everyone if I ever get a spare minute. Had a little scare last week with the old irritable ute acting up. Got the complete pre-term labor workup (none of you mentioned just how unpleasant those cervix checks are) but all is well and I should be resting more. HA!!! But I do love that my ob's office takes everything seriously and brought me in instead if just dismissing everything I said.

And I also know I haven't been commenting a ton lately....but I am reading. This was my 2 minute get off my feet break...back to work now ;(

blech...

2008-06-26T14:34:00.002-04:00

I've said it before but you ladies really are fantastic for my self esteem! I wish I could keep you in my pocket or something ;)

Survived the glucose test. Not sure when I'll find out if I passed or not, I'm hoping before my next appt since it's a ways off. The stuff was sickeningly sweet. I started to feel a little sick to my stomach as we approached the hour cut off and was a little dizzy. I had a banana in my bag that I was unpeeling as I walked out the door of the lab. Really hope I pass, I don't know if I could manage the 3 hr.

Worked from home the rest of the day. Should have went in because I've ended up on the phone all day. To me, working from home always involves an afternoon nap....no such luck today. I did manage to sign up for our childbirth class. I'm not sure what I think about a breastfeeding class. Anyone think it was useful? I know there are lactation consultants at the hospital so I don't know if I want to drop the 50 bucks.

Ugggg....phone is ringing again....

So much to say? belly pic in post

2008-06-25T13:28:00.003-04:00

All morning I had a ton of posts jumping around in my head and now that it's lunch and I can log on...nothing. What a pain.

Instead I guess I'll bore people with stupid pg updates. I am apparently now huge and 4 different people told me yesterday that I started waddling. Thanks...I was pretty aware of it since my hips are all achy and creaky and hurt like a bitch all night long. Speaking of bitch, I am a raging one right now. Anything can set me off. I feel bad for everyone around me since I'm a time bomb. I've got my 1 hr glucose screening tomorrow morning. I'm eating a nice spinach salad with hard boiled eggs right now ;) Really nervous about this for some reason. I'm sure some psych person would say I'm displacing all of my other anxieties and making it all about this test...and they'd probably be right but I'd go all she-bitch on them so it would be a pretty pointless conversation.

The irritable old ute is getting a little better. I went to the H.ealthy Back store and spent way to much money on a fancy lumbar thing which helps the BH when I'm driving. Now that I've got that under control, I can pretty much manage them by never letting my bladder get too full. That was the other big trigger. And for now, Q has changed positions so she isn't kicking my bladder anymore. Those kicks use to cause some pretty bad BH. I think she's moved on to the liver or something underneath my ribs. My doc isn't as worried anymore since they're decreasing in frequency, so that makes me feel a TON better. (not going to lie though, part of me wanted to get a medical leave from work b/c of the whole driving thing so I could collect my short term disability. Otherwise I'm working right up until I give birth in this freaking school)

I was hoping some of my brilliant thoughts would come back to me as a typed but no luck. So for now go wish Shelby a happy birthday.

Oh...and since I'm feeling brave. Here's a pic from 4 1/2 weeks ago (exactly 24 weeks), very staged from my brother's wedding. Mr H is on the left and that pink cotton candy explosion...well that's me ;) Looks like a bad prom picture in front of the fireplace, doesn't it???

Tagged times two

2008-06-24T20:01:00.004-04:00

First off, thank you all for all of your kind words and thoughts about all my family crap. In my anger at the time I didn't really portray my dad in the best light so I'm clearing his name a little right now. It's going to take a little while to come up with a new 'normal', especially we always were a family that loved vacationing together and big long dinners, but we will. This weekend my mom is going to visit her sister so I'm going to let my inner 6 year old do her selfish thing and wallow for a little bit.

On to the tagging. Yoka (as an aside, please go click over and give her some hugs, she just got not so great news about her dad) tagged me for this meme:

1. What did you do 10 years ago?

Hmmm...summer 1998 I was temping at F.idelity In.vestments and re-affirming my beliefs that I wanted nothing to do with the business world. I was also enjoying my last summer of extended adolescence, getting ready for my senior year of college

2. Five things from your ‘to do’ list?
- Realize that everyone else thinks I'm crazy and need to accept the fact that there most likely will be a 3rd little person in this house in September and maybe get something set up for her
- Call closet people (house came with custom avocado green floor to ceiling doors...you know you're jealous)
- start researching a second car as soon as ours is paid off
- along with the first thing, find a pediatrician
- find a pool to join (actually a very high priority for me right now)

3. Favorite snacks
- most ice cream related desserts
- chips and salsa

4. What would you do if you were a millionaire?
move out of this old townhouse with avocado doors
actually save
take fantastically amazing vacations with all of my loved ones every year

5. Places where you’ve lived?
New York
New Jersey
Massachusetts
Maine
Maryland
Virginia

And then Bean tagged me forever ago for this meme. I'm hereby acknowledging the tag but recognizing that I am WAY too spent to come up with a decent 6 word memoir. I will get to it though, I promise.

And I tag anyone who feels like doing either one!

Parents

2008-06-18T21:05:00.002-04:00

Sorry I've been MIA. Work was crazy and then we took off to FL for a few days. Came back to a shitstorm of course. So yes, I owe you all a real legit post but this is going to be a quick little vent before I get back to work (yes, it's 9 PM) about parents acting like children.

Just found out tonight that not only is my dad moving out and getting a divorce, but that he's moving 8 hours away....on Friday. Seem a little hasty?? Not for someone who's clinically depressed and regularly self-medicates with car bombs (the drink, not an actual bomb). When my brother talked to him about his drinking, he said it's ok because he typically only binge drinks 1-2 times/week and he never drives. Sounds like a teenager at all???

So I'm left with a wreck of a mother, an insane amount of work to do, and pretty crappy mental health of my own. My mom is staying with us tomorrow night so she doesn't have to be around when my dad loads up his truck. Ridiculous.

Again, sorry for the dump and I do promise a real post as soon as I get my head above water

thanks ladies

2008-06-05T18:32:00.002-04:00

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice. For now I'm going to go with some denial and put off any decision making until sometime next year. I really appreciated everyone's thoughts on future treatments and I'll probably talk to my RE before we would start up again to see if what knowing would change. So there....I'm wiping my hands of it for now (or at least trying to).

Can we talk for just one minute about the crazy weather and traffic around DC yesterday. It took me an hour and a half to get home from work last night. As I'm pulling in, Mr H calls to tell me that there is a power outage on the metro and everyone has to get off about 4 stops away from us. So I run in to the house, use the bathroom, feed the cat, grab a granola bar for myself, and get back into the car. It should take me 20 minutes to get to this metro station. One hour and 10 minutes later I pick Mr H up. Some of you might remember that I found out last month that my uterus does not like sitting in the car. As soon as I had that car in park, I jumped out, ran to the passenger side and lied down...felt so much better. Then, instead of trying to go straight home, we decided to go to a little cafe less than 1/2 mile from the metro. In retrospect, we should have just parked the car and walked but instead it took us 30 minutes to get there. Then 45 home. So all in all, four hours in the car. I could have been somewhere fun in that time, but no, I spent it on the beltway and 66.

Thankfully, schools were closed today. I soooo needed it. I thought it would give me the time to catch up on all the end of year paperwork but I had no power or cable (therefore, no internet) until 4 today. So I was forced to relax. And I walked over to the grocery store for lunch since there was no way I was getting back in that car today!

hmmm....reads like a very whiny post, sorry. I really came on just to thank you all for your help and good thoughts. This community never ceases to amaze me!

Bowing out (and some questions for ya)

2008-06-04T09:32:00.005-04:00

First, thanks for the birthday wishes. I am another one of those 'birthday month' people so no one ever has to apologize for being a day late ;)

And now I have to respectfully bow out of NaComLeavMo. It's crazy time at work, gearing up to hire and train new staff and I barely have time to read, let alone comment. My reader is getting a little bit overwhelming. I have loved checking out some new blogs and getting to know new bloggers and I'll try to keep up but there is just no way I can do it every day.

Here's where I get selfish though--since I've gotten so many new readers the last week or so I figured it's a good time to ask my latest round of questions. You ladies are all brilliant and I know a bunch of you work in the medical field so I welcome all advice and ass-vice on this one.

Sometime last year some of my aunts and one of my cousins decided to get tested/screened (not sure exactly how it works) for the breast cancer genes since we have such a significant family history. I didn't do it at the time because I was getting poked and prodded enough with all of the preliminary testing for the RE and quite honestly, just couldn't handle the thought of it. Well I found out recently that they tested positive. Now I know it doesn't mean that I will get cancer, just that it increases the likelihood that I will. My biggest hang up right now is that you all know what else increases your odds of getting breast cancer right...injectible FSH. So while I was lucky enough to get pregnant, in the process did I ensure that this little girl will grow up motherless? Did I pass the gene on to her? I was talking about all this with family last weekend and they all told me to go get tested. But I don't know how I feel about it. I can't be anymore proactive than I already am. I got my baseline mammogram at 29, do self exams religiously, and insist that my gyno do exams yearly instead of every 3. So what would it change? But it also raises the question of starting IF treatments again in a few years. At that point I'll be older so we'd probably be moving straight to IVF, which increases the amounts of hormones I'd be putting into my system. For now, I'm not thinking too much about that last question.

So that's where my head has been at lately, it's a little bit of a messy place. And I have one more selfish, shameless thing to do. Every year I run in the K.omen R.ace for the Cure with my family for my aunt. She was first diagnosed 19 years ago and is the strongest lady I know. In fact, she was my rock during all of this IF crap. This year I signed up to show my support but didn't really plan on doing it or doing too much fundraising, I'm a little pre-occupied and I know I couldn't do run a 5K right now. But I decided to walk it (in the spirit of full disclosure, probably the 1 mile instead of the 3) and I want to at least make an effort to raise some money. I know we've all got different causes that are close to our heart and many of you are trying to figure out how to pay for treatments and testing. But if you've got a few spare singles floating around (literally), please consider heading over to my race webpage. (just a warning--in order to get the rest of my fam motivated to donate, I do talk about how I'll be "walking for two").

So to wrap up, sorry for bailing on the comment-athon, thanks for any advice about the breast cancer gene crap, and double thanks if any of you click over to the race.

yet another rant

2008-05-29T13:51:00.002-04:00

So I have some real posts in the works; including some pictures from the wedding last weekend, some medical news I got that I'm still iffy on, my progress with NaComLeavMo, and of course, potential family drama. But first I need to yell and scream for a minute.

There's a young girl here at work that I can not stand. She's just horrible immature and I have to have all these development meetings with her and basically tell her that she needs to think before she speaks and generally just keep her mouth shut more often. She's always spewing gossip, is beyond un-professional, and at times, has violated confidentiality. She's almost been fired for her big mouth. So this morning, I walk into a classroom a few seconds after her and she's announcing for the whole world to hear, "I can't believe I'm freaking pregnant, there is no way I'm keeping the thing". Now IF Meghan outranked supervisor Meghan at this point and I just turned around. This hit me hard. I have always been pro-choice. I knew that I would probably choose to keep a baby but that the choice should still be up to me. But I just wanted to shake this girl. Without even clicking through my blogroll I can think of at least 5 people who would love to love this baby. I just wish I didn't know.

(and to just add to the gossip-y badness of it, she's been quite vocal about hooking up with a guy in another classroom so now the whole world knows his business too)

Sorry for yet another rant, I promise I'll have some real posts up in the next couple of days

full circle

2008-05-19T10:28:00.002-04:00

Saturday night I came full circle, I was right back being the infertile girl crying in the bathroom of a restaurant, except I was the pregnant infertile...if that makes any sense.

The night started out innocently enough, we were at an engagement party right on the water in G.eorgetown. I'm happily drinking my seltzer and cranberry juice talking to some people I hadn't seen in forever when another couple shows up. She sees my belly, does the whole 'how far along are you' thing and says she's pregnant too, but she barely has a heartbeat yet and can't wait for her dr's appointment in 2 weeks. The girl is 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. Now let's start with the fact that this is someone I already am not a huge fan of. She then goes on and on to talk about her pregnancy (all 2 weeks she's known about it), but then mentions that she had been trying for a year and a half and it gets not too fun. For a second I think I've found a fellow stirrup queen and I agree with her. She then goes on to talk about all the stress people put on themselves when they don't get pregnant right away and how that just makes it worse. That all of this infertility business is just women wanting immediate gratification (ha....you can tell she never waited for test results, nothing immediate about all that) and everyone just needs to relax. Now I know I should have used this as an opportunity to do a little bit of education, but I just couldn't. Instead I (rather bitchily) mumbled under my breath, "your baby could be dead already and you don't even know it" (**ok, not proud of that comment at all, I don't think anyone heard me. I really don't wish a miscarriage on anyone) and excused myself. Seconds later I found myself in the bathroom just sobbing, just like I used to when I'd show up at a party and discover someone was pregnant. I guess she brought up all those old emotions, I've had people say those same things to me before and they always generate the same reaction: anger and tears. I guess now is no different. Part of me just wishes I could have been that naive.

Other than that little episode, I had a great weekend. No pics taken, I was running really late getting ready but with my bro's wedding this weekend, I'm sure there will be plenty!

Sunday I bit the bullet and started a registry. Talk about overwhelming. Halfway through the store I didn't think I was going to make it so we stopped and just did what we had to do...the crib. They say allow 8-12 weeks for delivery but I've heard it taking as long as 16, and we've only got 17 to go (again, hoping I'm not tempting fate with all this). But we actually made our decision fairly easily. If I can find some pics on line I'll post them. I just want to check around online for the best price and should have it ordered by Wednesday. Sucks that we need to go back, since the store was a complete zoo, but there was no way I could have finished. We were both so overwhelmed by everything. And I thought I was well prepared having read the books, flagged the pages of things I was interested in, etc.

Now back to work, luckily a short week since I'll be leaving early on Thursday and am taking Friday off for the wedding. I'm going to be such an emotional basketcase. I'm just so glad my brother picked someone I like, she's already my sister, just now we're making it official (ha, makes it sound like I'm marrying her ;)

If you've got a sec, go send some love to Leah. She's probably having little Spidey as we speak!

dr updates and stuff

2008-05-16T10:38:00.002-04:00

And the award for being smarter than my dr goes to.....(drumroll please)....Leah!!!! The answer to my sitting in traffic woes is that I probably have an irritable uterus. The lovely Leah guessed it right 6 weeks ago! He said he wasn't worried since it's pretty much just isolated to when I'm sitting in traffic and that when we sit, the uterus tilts forward a little bit. Gave me the whole try to shift positions and rest talk. So Monday morning when the traffic reports say someone is taking a nap in her car, laying on her left side, in the middle of the Am.erican L.egion bridge, all you local ladies can think of me! If it continues or gets worse later in the pregnancy we'll talk about putting me on a modified work schedule. With no traffic I can be at work in 20 minutes, during rush hour it's at least double that (on a good day). Also said the cervix wasn't an issue. Apparently the tech did 3 measurements and the other 2 were all over 3, he thinks that one was just a funny angle or something. All in all I was told I was a model patient. He said the words I think every woman should hear from a medical professional, "Your weight gain is just perfect". LOVE it. Gained 4 pounds last month and am up 10 so far for the pregnancy. The basketball that is currently shoved underneath my rib cage really seems to be more than that though.

So I'm going to try to relax and enjoy the next few weeks. I'm at a point where I feel pretty good and can feel Q moving all day long. I know the uncomfortable times are approaching so I figure I should take advantage of feeling fairly good. Might venture to B.uy B.uy B.aby this weekend to start looking at things, we'll see. It still feels like tempting fate but I know it needs to be done. They say cribs and furniture can sometimes take over 12 weeks to arrive and I have no idea what I like or want yet. During my insomnia last night (been up since 2:30 this morning) I read Consu.mer Reports Baby Products and B.aby B.argains so I've got some starting point. All I really know is I don't want anything over the top and I'd like to be somewhat minimalistic about this...babies don't really need that much, especially in the beginning.

On a fun note I got a bonus yesterday! Most of it went to the massive credit card bill from our March vacation but I did splurge and get my hair cut and highlights at the good place last night. It's a mini spa and they walk around with chocolates, cheese, bottles of water. Mr H always laughs saying I pay over 200 for a bottle of water but since I only do it about once a year, I think it's fine. This way it'll look good next weekend for the wedding. We're going to an engagement party this weekend and since I'll look fancy, maybe I'll be brave and post a pic or two.

Hope everyone has a good weekend....and while you're here, go click over to Morissa and send her some good vibes while she waits for her beta

a real post for you all

2008-05-14T20:14:00.003-04:00

Here you go, something real, as opposed to me just posting a news link and ranting for a few lines here and there. But before I do that, I have one more link I need to post. This post from our wonderful Mel...wow...talk about powerful...it's just perfect. I wish I could comment on it half as eloquently as she wrote it. I even forwarded it along to Mr H so he would hopefully understand a little bit of my funk. And he did, so a big thanks to Mel for that.

Still in and out of my funk. I've figured out my biggest trigger and am working to avoid it. Problem is, that trigger is my mother and she's pretty much obsessed with me and Q right now. I won't go into it all but here's a small sampling. Apparently, in early December, right as IUI #1 was failing and I was still drowning from the incredible mindfuck of the chemical pregnancy mess in November, she bought extra stocking holders and Baby's First Ch.ristmas ornaments. Why you ask....because she had faith in me and knew I could do it. I tried to rationally explain that none of this was about me, it as about science and drs and just how hurtful some of those comments were. And then of course, before my Level II ultrasound, I mentioned how nervous I was and all I really cared about was everything being ok. Of course she told me not to worry...because I wouldn't let anything bad happen to the baby. Which once again, puts any past and potential failures squarely on my shoulders. There's been more but I'll spare you the drama. I feel a little bad, since little by little I'm cutting her out of this pregnancy but I often end up in such a downward spiral after talking with her.

Other than my random funks, things are going fairly well. Very noticeable belly at this point and Mr H can feel Q most of the time. I've got an OB appointment tomorrow morning. Once again, I have a list of questions, a long list. Big things I want reassurance on are my cervix length (it was 2.8 at my u/s and from what I read, in a singleton while the minimum is 2.5 they like it 3 and over) and the fact that my uterus HATES traffic. I've got a 40-60 minute commute each way and I get 2-3 b.raxton h.icks each way. Aside from then, I hardly ever get them. And the other times makes sense...a hard kick, really full bladder, etc. I even stumped g.oogle. I've tried changing the lumbar thing, re-arranging my seat belt, seat angle...pretty much everything I can think of. Anyone else have this? It's very random and started getting bad about a week ago. Really makes me dread getting up and going to work. Today I decided to do some work from home and then go in around 10, since without traffic it's only a 20 minute drive.

I know I should have more to write about. Things have been crazy on all fronts. My brother's getting married next weekend. Very excited though that I bought a bridesmaids dress a few sizes too big and it worked! Seamstress is just going to take out the boning (no flat belly corset for me) and adjust some of the rouching on it. It looks great! And it is very nice to not be crash dieting before a wedding...first time I think!

No promises, but I'm going to try to be a better poster/commentor. I miss you all!

what the f?

2008-05-13T14:44:00.002-04:00

This is just un-freakin-believable! And what do you want to bet the parents of this child had NO problem getting or staying pregnant? Meanwhile, I'm completely freaked out that S.tarbucks accidentally gave me caffeine instead of de-caf. What is wrong with people??

**and I promise a more substantial post is on its way

really?

2008-05-09T12:20:00.003-04:00

**disclaimer** I wouldn't read this if you're not in a good place

Are you kidding me? They have to stop, it's getting ridiculous. They alone are going to responsible for SOOO much over-population. I couldn't even read the whole stupid thing about God's gifts and all that nonsense. And if I was 20, I'd be a little weirded out that my mom kept getting knocked up.

And one more thing...who the fuck announces they are pregnant to the entire world wide web???

no one gets it

2008-05-01T20:41:00.003-04:00

No one else in my life, even those who know that it took us 2.5 years to get here, seems to understand that I'm still scared and still don't believe this is really true. I'm scared to buy more maternity clothes and am fine alternating between the 2 pairs of pants I have. And I can't even begin to think about nursery bedding, cribs, registering, or all that other stuff. And names! Suddenly people expect us to have a name ready. It's all so crazy to me. It all seems so far away. I can't help but think that it's all wishful thinking on my part. I look at some other people's blogs and they all seem to together, already doing all those things. I will admit that I got temporarily giddy with excitement after the ultrasound and keep looking at the one little outfit my cousin got me....but I've lost the giddiness. And then of course I feel bad that this little girl isn't getting the best of me and will someone stumble across these postings years from now and think that I wasn't thrilled beyond words or that I didn't want her enough.

Years ago I had an PTSD related anxiety disorder that I did work through, my therapist would always make me talk about my 'death thoughts'. It took years before I could rationalize away each thought as it popped into my head. Well now I don't have thoughts about me dying, but of this baby. And I can't rationalize them. I know that part of it is because I never really dealt with the chemical pregnancy (or whatever it was) in November. But all I keep thinking is if that pregnancy could be taken after a week....why can't this after 20? There's really no rhyme or reason to all this...and I like both rhyme and reason.

I keep telling myself that I should be out of this funk, that I'm doing a disservice to every women still in the throws of treatments by not reveling in the fact that I managed to get lucky. But I can't shake it....

uggg...I hate what IF has done to me....

Partee!!

2008-04-27T18:33:00.002-04:00

What I learned this weekend...I am no longer 22 years old. Now you think I would have known that by now, but apparently not, since I managed to be throwing up and feeling hung over without ever taking a sip of alcohol.

Yesterday was my soon to be sis-in-law's bridal shower and bachlorette party. Shower went well but the bachlorette kicked my butt. I drank water all night, at one point running across the street to one of the best ice cream shops in the area and got a chocolate malt (LOVE those). I danced like a crazy girl! Headed home around 12:30, in bed at 1. Yeah, late, but not crazy late. Well darling little Q, who has not once kept me up at night, decided that the dance party should not end and wanted to keep on partying with the girls. For about 45 minutes she was going crazy, possibly trying out for the Ro.ckettes, I'm not sure. Finally fell asleep and then I woke up at 5 SO sick. I was miserable. It is not fair that not only was I sober all night, but I still ended up sick. (as an aside, being the only sober person can be hysterically funny, drunk people do really stupid things) And today I felt like I drank a bottle of vodka, tired with the headache and when every single movement hurts. I'm wondering if it was the smoke in the bars since we went out in VA instead of the District or maybe just the change in routine. All I know is it SUCKED.

Tonight will be a very early night for me, I've got a killer week at work and then I've got private clients lined up Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday (for the record, next time I tell someone I can work on a Friday after I already worked all day, I need one of you to slap me). The only reason Wednesday is free is that it's Mr H's birthday. After all the party planning I did the last few weeks I completely forgot about it. Got to see about dinner reservations somewhere.

Off to straighten up. Mr H has been out of town since last week and the place is a complete mess. Hope everyone had a good weekend

Been awhile

2008-04-24T20:42:00.002-04:00

So I'm still in this stupid blogging funk. I've probably got more posts saved as a draft in my dashboard than I've actually published.

But I'm not going to go into the stupidly, irrational fears of a pregnant infertile and am just going to let everyone know that despite my nightly dream that I was gestating a monkey (I think it's the banana cravings that got me), we had our ultrasound today and the baby is decidedly non-Simian* and it appears that, despite all my freakish insecurities, we'll be having a little girl in September.

More importantly, all systems were a go. I just loved our tech Lori, who after hearing me drone on and on about the monkey dreams (you see, I thought that it still could be a monkey and how could she be sure that the umbilical cord wasn't a tail?), reached for the 3D wand and made me promise not to tell anyone (none of you will tell on her...right?). I was floored by the technology, even the regular 2D.

I have to say though, that I think I would have preferred the didlocam to the way she did the cervix check. There was no need to slather on extra goo and then smush it up to my girly bits. I did not know that was coming and the bits had not been groomed in awhile. At least with the trans vag they put a condom over the goo. And as another side, I will be obsessively googling cervix length, mine as 2.8 and isn't it supposed to be over 3???

That's all I've got in me now, for some reason morning sickness has returned, although at least now it's only in the morning. And I promise to get better about commenting, I'm reading up on all of you, I just don't want to spread my funk around so I haven't been commenting

*yes, I know that humans are also simians, just taking a little creative license here

Traffic distractions

2008-04-15T19:42:00.003-04:00

First and foremost, everyone go send some love over to Leah, who is now on bedrest. Not only is she on bedrest, but she also has a curious little pre-schooler who doesn't quite understand the concept.

Now I had all these fantastic posts floating around in my head that went completely out the window when I saw a lovely cop helping a broken down cab. He happened to look just like this fine young man. Since my 35 minute commute was at over an hour and I was sitting at a traffic light, I welcomed the distraction. His hair blew in the spring breeze. Apparently the light changed as he started to push the car out of traffic and I wiped drool from my chin as the folks behind me honked. Since I do love my husband, I'm going to blame this on hormones...but damn!

So that was my evening. Came home to leftovers and a night with the DVR...how disappointing

is it bad that...

2008-04-12T09:30:00.000-04:00

- is it bad that the workout playlists on my i.pod have really become "driving home from work on a nice day with the window down" playlists?

-and, is it bad that the other day I downloaded several N.ew Kids on the B.lock songs in anticipation of the best reunion tour of 08??

Just wondering

Thanks for the dyson's recs. You ladies know how to respond when something is truly important ;) So far, Mr H still says we can get one tomorrow. Never been so excited to vacuum in my life. I really wanted it today since I'm having people over later and now they will see just how horrible my carpet is. I hope they all love me anyway.

This is shaping up to be a great weekend. This morning, I'm going with my almost sis in law to her dress fitting. This is the one with the veil, shoes, whole 9 yards. Pretty sure I'm going to cry. Then it's time to make some cheesy crab dip in preparation for the jewelry party we're having later that night. (think tupperware party but just with fun jewelry). Then girls night in while the guys are all out at my brother's bachelor party.

And then Sunday....Sunday is another meeting of the TOOTPU (The Order of the Plastic Uterus). We'll be grilling out at LJ's house. I'll be baking something yummy that morning and then get to spend the afternoon hanging out with some of the most fantastic women I've had the pleasure of meeting. Then back home, to cook my mom's birthday dinner. To be quickly followed by collapsing into bed exhausted.

Extremely important post

2008-04-10T16:23:00.002-04:00

In my cleaning madness I convinced Mr H to buy a Dyson. I have a very short window before he re-thinks this decision. Someone tell me which one is best...

Spring cleaning

2008-04-10T13:57:00.002-04:00

We've been forced into a massive spring cleaning the last few days, mainly due to the fact that I am completely irrational. The first step is admitting a problem, right? Anyway, I found a few little bugs the other day and decided that the whole house needed to be cleaned, top to bottom. It's been exhausting to say the least. Who needs to sleep anyway?

But I'm over that now and my slobbish tendencies will be back in full force within 24 hours I'm sure. Got a chance to work from home this afternoon. And it's a perfect day to be on the back deck with the laptop. My tulips are starting to come up, I just love this time of year.

Thanks to everyone for your reassurances on the whole braxton hicks thing. I agree, I don't think this particular nurse knew what she was talking about. I've had less than 1 a day since Monday and I've remembered my water bottle every day. And the new bras...wow. First I was a bit shocked at just what size the saleswoman brought me, but I got over it once I put them on. So much more comfortable. I will never wear a bra that is 2 sizes too small ever again...poor girls. And thanks for the advice on sleeping bras, I'm a total wuss and stared sleeping in a sports bra at about..oh....6 weeks. I was having enough trouble sleeping, no point in them waking me up too!

I made the mistake of wearing one of those more traditional maternity shirts to work yesterday. You know, the high empire waste that ties in the back. Mostly all of the tops I've bought have been the types that are just straight down with a little more room in the front. I was so self-conscious, I hated leaving my office, even more a minute. I felt like it put a great big neon sign on my belly screaming "Look at me". Everyone wanted to talk to me, comment on it, etc. I just hated it. Mr H gets upset, thinking I'm not excited about the pregnancy but it isn't that. I'm not comfortable being excited about it. I still don't believe it. I'm past the whole conspiracy theory of before and no longer think that my RE just wanted to get rid of me but I have a hard time fessing up to being pregnant. I saw my mom last night (she of course loved the top) and she said that I was starting to look pregnant. I immediately said that it was because of the top....she replied with, "It's because of the belly you idiot" (said with love...I hope). I guess despite the getting more obvious belly and feeling Q move just about every day, I still don't think this is going to work for us. I still need to work on having faith in the process and trusting Q.

Now is napping part of working from home???

just can't think of a good title ;)

2008-04-07T20:33:00.002-04:00

A good friend of mine at work just became a stirrup queen and my heart just breaks for her. She just had surgery to remove her fibroids last week. They took out 18, one that was the size of a grapefruit and she's now recovering from what was essentially a c-section. She says she's so glad I'm there, since I have some idea what she'll be going through when she starts up with IUI's in a few months. Of course, part of me wishes I didn't know...but right now, the other bigger part wishes she didn't need me. Just like so many of us, she wants a family more than anything and will be a wonderful mom...and of course today at work I read about a custody hearing in a divorce where neither parent wants the pre-schooler. Poor baby, someday he's going to realize that his parents fought to not have him...and we fight tooth and nail to even try. It just doesn't make sense. Why can't there be some type of quota on infertility so we can spare other people all this crap?

All that anxiety and paranoid is back and big time. Sunday and today I had this tightening or cramping across my whole lower abdomen and my uterus got rock hard. Happened twice Sunday and three times today. After consulting Dr Google, who suggested that it could be Braxton-Hicks but it was too early to feel them yet, I decided to call my doc. I got to speak to a nurse, but not the nurse that I like. She said there was no way it was BH and that I'm probably just dehydrated. She's right on that since I forgot my water bottle but I'm still worried. She did say if it didn't get better in the next 1-2 days to call back and he'd have me come in. So of course now I've got visions of second trimester miscarriages running through my head. So please, tell me I'm being ridiculous and I'll be fine tomorrow once I start chugging the H2O.

Other than that, thanks for all the sweet comments on my spare tire/donut belly. You ladies are SO good for my self-esteem. Tomorrow I'm off to visit the nice old ladies at N.ordstrom for some help with bras. I have no idea what size I'd even be anymore, but I know that these two stretched out pieces of cotton are NOT cutting it anymore. You see (actually you don't want to see), I woke up with numerous stretch marks on my boobs this morning. The girls are obviously begging for some support. Hopefully that will help adding any more patterns to them. Between the blue veins and nasty purple marks, I look like some piece of random, abstract, modern art. Any assvice on bras would also be much appreciated.

Vegas baby

2008-04-01T21:09:00.002-04:00

Warning: taking weeks off at a time from blogging results in some seriously long posts. Much apologies.

Vegas rocked and I need to figure out a way to fit more vacays into my life. To keep things orderly, I'll dish everything non p-word related first.

Ok, but first business. Read this post by Mel for how you can help the March of Dimes and her Team on the Road. Such an important cause that is so dear to all of our hearts. I actually saw billboards for the walk when I was out in Vegas, haven't heard too much press for it here so I was pleasantly surprised. Once you've done that, go read this post by Mel (she's been very busy lately) on how we can all pull together to help each other out. It's a fantastic idea, one that will help me out too, since I have a basement full of stuff I've been meaning to put on Craigslist or Ebay and have just been too darn lazy.

Whew...good to get work out of the way....now onto the fun. We did 4 days in Vegas for my spring break and had a blast. We've been before, always with a bunch of friends, and this time, I really didn't feel like dealing with the crowds of people coming home drunk at 4 am and listening to my neighbors have sex for all hours of the night. So the fantastic Mr H found us this place. Amazing. Non-smoking, non-gaming. And he called ahead and requested a high floor with a balcony room overlooking the strip.

It is attached to the MGM so you could be at the casino with 2 minutes on a moving walkway. But once you crossed over those doors it was like a whole separate world. They completely pampered you, with pool boys making smoothies, iced down towels for your eyes. And, one of my faves, all the free bottles of water you could want. As someone who always goes out and buys 2 big gallons for vacations, this was a huge perk. All I had to do was ask, and I received. Just lovely. Overall, it was a very civilized place. We did the usual; ate our way through the city, saw a great show, and just really relaxed. Didn't win any money, but came home with most of what we set aside to lose, so that isn't too bad.

We came home late Thursday night and that had 2 different sets of friends in town Friday and Saturday. Actually did the cherry blossoms saturday...completely crazy and made me glad that it rained the day of our wedding since I would have been one of the thousands of brides out there trying to get all the tourists out of our pictures. (funny aside, it poured, monsooned really, on our wedding day and SOOO many people told me to watch out, that's a sign of a fertile marriage...HA). Then Sunday night we went to opening night at the new Nationals stadium with my brother and his fiance. Beautiful park, such a nice night, and for all they talked about how bad getting there and home was going to be, it was a piece of cake. From leaving the stadium to pulling up to the house, we were under an hour (and I'm in the burbs). Definitely excited that baseball is back in DC for real now.

And the excitement continues. Tomorrow is our anniversary (3 years, I can't believe it). This weekend we're going to the Melting Pot. I've been wanting to go since Valentine's day. Tomorrow night we're not doing anything too special...a quick dinner at a local place we like, then some shopping since it's my mother's and brother's birthday coming up. But still fun...at some point I'll make him watch our video with me. And then I'll promise that by our 4th anniversary I'll get the wedding album done. At this point, what's the rush??

Ok, everything p-word that's been going on. I know it's been forever since I updated. Had my 15w appt before Easter, so disappointed when they brought me into the room sans u/s machine. But all was well. Doc found the heartbeat right away, unlike with my crapola doppler here and gave me my permission slip for a prenatal massage. Flight cross country wasn't bad. What sucked was that I lost the ability to adjust to time changes. I was a wreck the first two days there and even though we came back east Thursday, I'm still not all the way adjusted. The very exciting part was that I think I felt little Quentin (Q) when we were there. I was sitting by the pool for my day of rest (WAYYY overdid it the first 2 days and needed some serious pool time) with a very full stomach and bladder and felt these little quivers. Didn't happen again so I thought it was wishful thinking but now the last 3 nights, whenever I'm sitting quietly or laying down, I feel like something is tickling me inside. Feels very different from gas so I'm guessing it's Q, still not 100% though. It's more pronounced whenever I've got the full tummy/bladder going. Guess it squishes him/her a bit. I'm 16w3d so I know it's still a little early.

Ultrasound is scheduled for the Thursday the 24th. Mr H is out of town the week before and I really wanted it sooner. I thought of just scheduling it for then and telling him it was the only appointment I could get, but decided to be a good wife. Hopefully we'll know boy/girl but all I really want is too make sure all systems are go, organs in the right place, etc. Not sure what we'll call Quentin if she turns out to be a girl, I guess Q. Hmmm....don't think I told that story. For some crazy reason, my grandmother always thought Mr H's name was Quentin. He in no way looks like a Quentin (not sure what a Quentin looks like, just know not him). Now as she got on, she had some dementia, but even when she was mostly there, she still called him Quentin. Our wedding day, she called to wish me and Quentin congrats, the check inside the card....made out to Quentin H (thank goodness the credit union at his work knows him and worked it so we could cash it). At her funeral, we signed the guestbook Meghan and Quentin H for her. So when we were trying to think of something to call this little bean, I said I wanted something she could remember, so she'd pray for us....and of course, the answer to that was Quentin!

And lastly for your viewing pleasure, not quite a belly pic but a pic of me looking quite bloated/large in Vegas. Now I knew the boobs had grown some but holy bodacious ta-ta's! Seriously, they used to be maybe an A and a half. And there's a little belly in there, but it was right after the most delicious breakfast ever (I seriously ordered like this, "I'll have the beignets to start and the french toast"....for breakfast people! Who gets an app at breakfast?!?!) So that's what's in the belly there.

Iced coffee is good

2008-04-01T12:52:00.002-04:00

Yum.

I snuck out of work to head down the street to Gi.ant (local grocery store) to grab some lunch. Turns out they're closed for a labor vote! So instead of a nice healthy salad, I walk 2 storefronts down to the Fourbucks for a delicious iced white mocha and an egg sandwich. The first iced coffee of spring is just SO good!

I know, haven't blogged in forever. Promise to give you all some updates from our Vegas adventure soon. Coming back from vacay is always so much work!

definitions

2008-03-20T19:28:00.004-04:00

How do you explain the friendships and bonds that we form through the blogosphere? Mel called it liminal friends in this post here and I think it fits. This morning, after reading Sunny's latest post, I sat in my office sobbing. My heart was breaking for her. True, it all did bring me back to when we got the call to go down to Mr H's dad because "any day now" the tumor in his brain was going to reach his brain stem and stop him from breathing, and to my mom's ultimately successful battle with uterine cancer 3 years ago, and to my aunt's current fight with breast cancer, and to my strong amazing grandmother fighting ovarian cancer for the 2nd time at 85 years old! But she is all I've been thinking about all day long. As I sat there, my office mate (and good friend) walked in and immediately gave me a hug, probably thinking it was something with the baby, my aunt, or grandmother. Instead, I said my friend got bad news about her mom. Since we both know all of each other's friends, she started asking who. I just got so flustered. I mumbled some random crap about not being from around here and then finally just said she was an old, close friend. Funny how I consider someone I've met only 2-3 times in real life an old dear friend. Yet, she (and all of you) definitely know more about me that many of my closest friends.

I just didn't know how to explain or define it. To say you all are my "internet friends" not only sounds lame, but I think minimizes how important all of you are to me and how deeply connected I feel to everyone.

Not sure exactly what the point of this post is...just me sort of dumping. I've just been in a really weird place lately. Again, not sure why. Really hoping that the start of spring break tomorrow changes my mood

catching up

2008-03-16T08:04:00.002-04:00

Not really too much to catch up on. I've been working extra hours like crazy. The need for f.ollistim money has turned into maternity leave money. For some reason, I never really anticipated the need to fund my leave and thought that once I didn't need money for the meds, I could cut back on my hours. Either way, I'm working a ton. Like today (Sunday, the day of rest), I'm doing a 4 hour training. Now I shouldn't complain too much because that is some good money, but it's Sunday, I worked yesterday, AND I'm missing the monthly get together of the DC Stirrup Queens (Aka-the Order of the Plastic Uterus). And my freakin cat has decided to turn into a furry orange alarm clock and has woken me up precisely at 6:20 the last 2 days. So basically I'm just whiny.

And is it bad that yesterday, while on the beltway and narrowly avoiding a pretty major accident, these were my first 2 thoughts (ok, my first thought was "whew...thank god" but the next 2 thoughts closely followed): That totally would have scored me an ultrasound (I swear, I'm an addict and since it's been 3 weeks since my last fix I'm jones-ing BIG time) and that would have gotten me out of work tomorrow.

In exciting news we booked a Spring break trip--we're going to Vegas baby! Mr H found these fantastic condos a block off the strip that are linked to M.GM but have their own pool, entrance, etc. SOOO excited. I booked a massage, we're going to get some real good eats in, and see a show (leaning towards La Reve...any opinions out there???) We leave next Sunday. Now is it a bad thing to be heading to Sin City on Easter Sunday? Hoping not. Every year my school's spring break has fallen on our anniversary but this year, with easter being so early, it isn't. But we decided to take a trip and start celebrating a week early...just for fun!

Hope all is well...and for my DC ladies, have a fantastic lunch. I'll be with you in spirit!

ta da...the pic belly pic in post

2008-03-06T20:13:00.005-05:00

Let me start by saying that I was SO opposed to belly pics until about 4 days ago. Funny how your perspective changes. However, recognizing that they sometimes suck to look at, I will always include a little warning in the title of the post.

Thanks for all the supportive comments, you ladies are so good for my self esteem! So here it is....this was 12w4d. And, you can be honest, I know it is a bit big for 12 weeks. And I apologize for the quality of the picture and being headless...it wasn't a good hair or anything day. Also don't look at the black sports bra/wife beater combo...I generally chose comfort over fashion.

We're heading up to NY this weekend to see the nieces. Fingers crossed that it all goes better than our last trip up there in January.

write your letter!

2008-03-04T20:50:00.002-05:00

thanks for all the positive comments about my letter. I highly recommend everyone write one, it just felt great. I must have started about 5 different posts the last few days and was really struggling with them but then this one just came pouring out of me. Only took a few minutes to write. And I felt so much better afterwards. When I posted mine, there was only 24 letters there...hopefully we can really increase that number.

In p-word updates, I'm 12w3d. Some people say I'm out of the first trimester. I'm waiting for the actual end of it, but I have to admit that I'm starting to feel more secure with all this. I've got tons of growing pains and feel the round ligament pain on my right side at least a few times a day. Not feeling better just yet though. In fact, my 24 hr round the clock nausea has gotten worse in the last 2 weeks.

I've started to sport a pretty serious bump, way too much the B.ella Band. I caved and went m-clothes shopping this weekend...and actually wore the jeans right out of the store. They were just so much more comfortable then having the zipper digging into my stomach and the back riding down. One question though...why the hell are those clothes so much freaking money? They've got such a monopoly going on it's crazy. I went with my soon to be SIL whom I just love and one of her other bridesmaids who just had a baby, I thought she'd have some good advice. First we went out to lunch and when she saw me she talked up my cute little bump and how I was definitely ready for the m-clothes. For once, I actually enjoyed it. But then, while we were eating, she asked how far along I was. When I said 12w, she spat out her food and asked if I was having twins. When I tensely said no, she said she would have put me at 20 weeks, not 12. I didn't even know what to say. Maybe I'll get brave enough to post a pic, but there is no way it's a 20 week belly. Plus I saw her when she was 21 weeks and she was a f-ing house! She was helpful when we went shopping, but I just could not believe that comment!

Now everyone go write your letter!

Note to self

2008-03-03T20:20:00.002-05:00

Dear Body,

When asked to write a letter to you, at first I wasn't sure where to start. Am I mad at you, upset? Am I ecstatic that you are nurturing a little life inside of me? I don't even know.

Then I thought about something my dad used to say to me all the time. Growing up, he always lectured me about DTA, Don't Trust Anybody...even when you think you can trust them, think before you do. There were times were I rolled my eyes at him, then the times I got burned and realized he was right, and then the other times when I realized you have to let people in and trust them in order to have any real relationships. So I walk a fine line, making people earn my trust, but once they do, I give it freely and expect it in return. When that trust gets broken, I have a very hard time giving it back.

How does this related to you, dear body? I always trusted you. And you always lived up to that trust. And I pushed you, running, hiking, rock climbing, mountain climbing, etc. And that trust was repaid. I knew, just knew, that if I needed you to give me the extra push to win a race, you would. And together we went all-state. And I knew, if hanging on the rocks at G.reat F.alls, I need to lunge for the next hold, that you'd make it. I like to think that I respected this trust and took good care of you in return. Sure, there have been times when I may have consumed a bit to much of the 'juice' but other than that, for the last almost 10 years you've been fed all organic, local, yummy food (hey, and sometimes even the wine was organic). I kept you healthy and you repayed me. We trusted each other.

But then than trust got broken. Just like I knew I'd make the lunge across the rocks or win the race, I knew that I'd get pregnant. Now, I wasn't naive enough to think it would happen right away...but I trusted you. One year down, and that trust was getting rusty. Still I thought that maybe we hadn't prepped enough. You know, you've got to train for something you really want. So I went at this full force. You remember the drill, waking up on the weekends to take our temperature, peeing on sticks every morning, checking cervical fluids, etc. Six months later, nothing. Then we start the doctor's appointments. You know what we find....unexplained infertility....no medical reason not to be pregnant. Do you know what that means....I can not trust you.

Then, you surprise me, right before we're going to start treatments, we get pregnant. Wow! Maybe I should have trusted you all along, you're making that leap, just a little slowly. Then you do the unthinkable, not even a week into it, it's gone. I obviously can not trust you at all. No one I trust would do this to me.

Now we're at it again, and this time we've made it 12 weeks. And I want to trust you, really I do. But I'm having such a hard time. I can't stop thinking, DTA....don't trust anybody, even when you think you can. So where does that leave me? You're doing the most important job I've ever given you, and I can't trust you to carry this project through. So right now I'm delegating, trusting the baby instead of you. And I'm really hoping we can come through this and earn all that trust back, on both sides. I need you back in my life, on my side.

Love,
me

**********************************************************************************

the wonder Mel at Stirrup Queens AND Blogher took up the next leg of the Letter to My Body campaign. Check out her posts and write you own

Breathing again

2008-02-26T20:22:00.002-05:00

So this is a bit late, had no time to blog yesterday (stupid work)

We had a really busy day on Sunday, lots of errands, running around, then made a big dinner. That night, I kept getting horrible cramps on my right side that woke me up at night and made me double over. I kind of freaked out. Partially thinking all those horrible DBT's but also worried about cysts, etc. At my last ultrasound, my right ovary was still about 3 times larger than it should be.

Called the dr and they had me come in that morning. Explained that it was probably round ligament pain and since I'm already starting to get a little belly, I'm probably going to have some of the 2nd tri symptoms early. I protested that a bit, it's not really fair to have them when I still have all of the lovely first tri pukiness! But, I scored an ultrasound out of the deal. Finally, little Q does not look like a shrimp anymore. It's an actual little human, waving it's left arm over its head. Q was ALL over the place and would not sit still for a picture. She also said that she couldn't get a read on the heart rate through the u/s but that she wasn't worried since there was so much movement. (anyone else heard anything like that??)

Regardless, I feel much better. I didn't even mention the doppler...but in the interest of my sanity its getting sent back this weekend. My family keeps telling me to just trust my body, but I can't. It has proven itself too untrustworthy too many times. But I think I'm going to trust this baby. I have to believe that little Q knows what to do. He/she is going to be in charge from here on out, I'll just do everything I can to give him/her the best damn chance I can.

Other than that...work is kicking my butt right now. We've just got too much going on and I have been so unproductive lately. So I'm still either working or sleeping. Really ready for that 2nd tri energy to kick in along with all the pains ;)

Doppler woes

2008-02-22T16:08:00.003-05:00

Let me preface by saying I recognize this was a stupid move.

But, in spite of my better judgement, I rented a doppler. First time I used it, I heard the woosh-woosh that they say is blood going through the placenta and the monitor registered something at 156. I told myself that even though I couldn't hear it, the monitor picked it up, so it must be there.

Last two times, I hear the woosh-woosh, but nothing else. And I've decided that monitor part is a piece of crap. Every few seconds it changes numbers, ranging from the 60's all the way to 180's. And that's with it in the same spot.

Now what I'm telling myself (and please don't burst my bubble), is that the placenta is blocking the baby. That's why I only hear that. Delusional perhaps, but it is the only thing that is allowing me to sleep at night. Plus, the manual very clearly says that you most likely will not hear anything in the first trimester. I have just read about so many people hearing the heartbeat around 9 weeks. I'm also telling myself (again, if you know what's good for you, don't disagree with me) that my belly bloat is getting in the way.

But it still makes the DBT's run rampant through my head. I've become really attached to this little thing and would like it to come join our family in September.

If anyone else hasn't been able to hear anything this early, let me know. I don't want to be one of those crazy women who calls the OB over this...because I know they'll be mad at me. The dr told me that they were for professionals to use. (I decided that injections and shots are typically for the professionals too and if they let me do that, I might as well get to do some of the fun stuff too).

Thanks for reading about all my neurosis!

So much to say??

2008-02-21T20:00:00.002-05:00

Every day I think that I have SOO much to blog about, then I get home, log in, and can't think of a damn thing to write. So this will be a laundry list of sorts.

- First, let me apologize for being a bad commenter lately. I promise I'm still reading and following up on all of you. Lately, I just feel like I can't really comment on the pg lady blogs, since I don't feel like that's me yet, and that no one still in the trenches of treatment cycles wants to hear from me either. Yes, very whiny, I know.

- And I know I've been tagged twice, and I promise to get to that too. I haven't forgotten ;)

- As far as I know, I'm still you know what. I had the pleasure of my first puke last Saturday night. Out at a restaurant of all places, so it wasn't too embarrassing or anything like that. Things are starting to not fit, if it weren't for the Bella band, I wouldn't be able to wear half my pants. I spent a better part of Sunday in tears after trying to find some decent tops to wear that are big and flow-y enough....and not summer! I even got brave enough to venture into the type of store that rhymes with 'paternity'. But I felt like a complete impostor, I rummage through the sale racks for a few minutes and then left in a hurry.

- That's not to say I haven't been freaking out or anything. I actually had a HUGE meltdown last week when I realized that I've had cycles that were than this. And somehow, in my head, I invented a massive conspiracy theory (O.liver S.tone would have been proud) that my dr was tired of all my questions so he used a video for my ultrasound...it went on and on. It was not a proud moment, that's for sure. And there are still moments every day when I'm convinced that I'm not you know what any more. In spite of the pants not fitting, small bump forming at night, boobs that have gone up a cup size, etc etc.

- Can we talk about my stomach for a minute? By the end of each day, I actually look like I have a little bump. I'll be 11 weeks on Saturday. Isn't it WAY too early for that? I'm feeling like this is all happening too fast (HA---too fast, we've been at this since June 2005!!!) People have started talking at work, and someone actually asked me today. At this point, I didn't lie. And it has become pretty obvious, since I work with children and adults who are often aggressive and display other behavior problems...and I haven't been jumping in to help the way I used to. That's always a red flag at our school.

Ok, enough for now. I know I still owe you all a stupid comment's post (sneak peak....when I told someone how long we've been trying (about 30 months) she actually said that she's had 2 kids in that time! The whole story is actually even better than it sounds...) I promise to give you all the gory details over the weekend

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T20:27:00.003-05:00

Once again, I'm sorry for being such a bad blogger. I do have a good (umm....bitter and sarcastic) post about all of the stupid things people have said to me now that I'm you know what. It really is ridiculous.

Nothing new really, just wanted to pass a little loving along to my stirrup queen friends. Hope everyone has a great night!

Black and...brown

2008-02-07T11:02:00.000-05:00

I am wearing two different shoes today. Not even the same color. One black, one brown. I will be spending alot of time at my desk. No observations for me. I think it is too early to blame things on pregnancy forgetfulness, I'm just an idiot. It was a very rough morning today. First, after ironing my blouse (I never remember to iron at night), I put it on, only to find that it would not button over my ridiculous boobs. Quite naturally, tears followed. Then, I get in the car only to hear about a 4-5 mile back up on the Beltway...always a good time when you want to puke. Then of course, around 11:00, someone points out that my shoes are different. Just lovely.

Complaining aside, we had our first OB appt yesterday and it went well. I really liked the doctor. He seems to have just the right blend of caution and common sense, which is how I like to at least think I am. (Those of you who know me, please don't burst my bubble). I was hoping there wouldn't need to be an exam but apparently the state of VA requires complete STD testing so back to the stirrups I went. Only good thing about needing the exam was that since I was there, he decided to do another ultrasound! I'll always take a chance to sneak a peak at the critter. First, I was surprised at how much better the equipment at the RE is. I could barely make out anything on this ultrasound. Doc said he saw the heartbeat right away, I couldn't for the life of me. But it measured right on target.

I was even more nervous about the u/s because I had the completely irrational fear that the Pro.emtrium was keeping me pregnant and I worried that by stopping it last Friday (on drs orders but still), the baby would stop growing. I know, crazy. But seeing a bigger blob yesterday made me happy.

Only thing I've realized is that I've become completely spoiled by all these ultrasounds. Now our next appointment isn't until March 6 and our next ultrasound probably won't be for 11 more weeks! I doubt we're going to do the nuchal fold testing, wouldn't change anything so what's the point really. If our insurance covers it, I might, just for a chance to peak in there again!

Oh...and thanks to those of you who got my Bev-niner reference last week. Took awhile for someone to mention it and I started to feel really really old!

Me and Donna Martin

2008-02-01T20:56:00.001-05:00

We both graduated!! I've had "Donna Martin graduates, Donna Martin graduates" in my head all day long (except in my head, it was my name).

Ultrasound today went well. Measured 7w5d, so only 1 day off. Heart rate was 159. Got instructions on when to stop the Pr.ometrium. My doctor made all sorts of jokes with Mr H about me being the designated driver for the Superbowl. We also got forms to send in after DELIVERY! Yes, you read that correctly....delivery. And instructions to send baby pictures. I felt like I was living in an alternate universe for a while there. Kinda still feel that way.

The whole thing was very bittersweet. As glad (ecstatic) as I am that things are going well, I don't want to leave. I don't know what's out there. I know I've said it before, but I know how to do the infertile thing...not sure how to do this other thing. Plus, I have never had a more attentive doctor in my life. The man emails me back on a Friday night...I certainly don't do that for my clients. I'm hoping that the OB he recommended is almost as good.

I managed to stumble out of the office and proceeded to burst into hyseterical sobs at the elevator. The kind of sobs where you can't catch your breathe and someone needs to hold you up. Other people probably thought we just got the worst kind of news...not the best. And I continued to sob in the car. I guess it was part the immense sense of relief, part disbelief since I honestly never thought I would make it this far, part joy and excitement, and part being scared out of my mind.

I'm still kind of all over the place (in case you couldn't tell). Thanks for all of your support and good wishes. And I know I've been really bad at commenting, but I promise I'm reading and keeping up with all of you! I'm hoping tomorrow gets me out of my own head...going with my soon to be sis-in-law for her first dress fitting. Hopefully we'll be able to make a fun girls day out of it.

Atkins be damned

2008-01-30T19:26:00.000-05:00

I am on a carb-fest, all carbs all the time. The thought of most proteins makes my gag reflex kick in. I've been feeling a little bad about it so I managed to shovel some eggs down my throat for breakfast and a few bites of chicken from the take-in thai for dinner tonight. Other than that, it's been bagels, pasta, or rice.

Our next ultrasound is Friday. I should be 7w6d. I go back and forth between thinking I hope there's still a heartbeat in there to getting all excited at the growth we'll see from last weeks u/s. I've still got all those nasty first tri symptoms, so I should be optimistic. And I actually had my first sort of puke this morning. Not very pleasant. And my favorite black pants, the very last size 10 I could fit into this fall, the ones that always make me look skinny, could barely button yesterday. I should take that as another good sign, instead I blame it on the freakin carbs.

Work is kicking my butt this week, which I know isn't helping my general funk. We're brought in a bunch of new staff so I'm training from 8:30 until 4 each day. It is just exhausting. Plus, I then have the rest of my job to do once all that is over. I've been going to bed before 9 most nights. At least there's no good tv on!

Off to scrounge up something bland and starchy to go stuff my face...

bad blogger

2008-01-28T19:49:00.000-05:00

I know, I've been a very bad blogger. I keep coming up with all these great posts in my head at night and then by the time I can actually blog, they're long gone and all that is left is this horrible cycle of "I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm scared". Throw in a random "I think I'm gonna hurl" and you've pretty much summed things up for me.

I really hate that my blog has recently become a laundry list of everything I've been doing or that's going on, so I'm trying to avoid that. And I hate that I feel stuck in this in-between land, still fighting all the demons of infertility while simultaneously feeling cramps, pangs, and all these other symptoms of this little thing growing inside of me. Don't know how to avoid that though.

My cousin sent me a link for a sale at some maternity shop and asked if I had started shopping yet. Seriously!! After I composed myself, I wrote back joking that, at 7 weeks, I didn't quite need that just yet. Apparently, at this point in her first pregnancy, she already had a small stash of maternity clothes, since it made sense to buy things on sale. Just crazy

Again, another nonsense post with no real direction, but that's kind of how I feel lately. I'm going through each day without direction. I drag my tired butt out of bed each morning, stumble through work, then stumble my way to my private clients most nights, stumble home and go back to bed. I'm direction-less. I used to have direction and was highly motivated towards my goal. I was going to get pregnant. Every early morning as I dragged myself out of bed, I had a direction...going to the clinic at some pre-dawn hour to check on my progress. That's what got me through everything else. Then at night, I had another direction, whether it be a pill or a shot. Now, no real direction. Doesn't that seem crazy?!? I reached my destination. I should be happy, not wandering all over again like before I started treatments. Not sure how to find my new direction...any ideas from some of you ladies who made this trip already? There needs to be a mapquest for all this crap.

Ok enough of this. Want to say a quick thank you to the Order of the Plastic Ute (aka. the DC Bloggers) for a fantastic get together Saturday. Girls night in is one of my fave things...and this one was even better because I didn't have to pretend to nurse a beer, dump it when no one is looking, then fill it with water. Pretty lame, I know

Yes Virginia....

2008-01-25T19:18:00.000-05:00

...we can have insurance coverage.

I know I have a bunch of VA readers. Please take action and email your Senator!

Dear Fellow Virginia Resident,
Infertility Insurance Coverage for Virginia residents: Take Action Now!

Senator Patsy Ticer (D-30) introduced Virginia Senate Bill 631 on January 9, 2008. This legislation would require health insurers, health maintenance organizations, and corporations providing accident and sickness subscription contracts to provide coverage for the treatment of infertility.

Testimony for this bill will be heard before the Senate Labor and Commerce Committee on Monday, January 28, 2008. We need your voice! Please call and email the committee members and ask them to support SB631. If you are a constituent of one of the committee members, it is especially important that you make sure that he or she knows.

Click here to access RESOLVE's online Advocacy Alert system and send a letter to the Senators listed below immediately!

There are 7.3 million men and women that suffer from infertility in the US. More than 162,000 of those couples live in Virginia. Please help us make sure that Virginians have coverage for this disease and access to cost-effective and appropriate medical treatment. Send your letter and Take Action Now!

Thank you!
Barbara Collura
Executive Director and Resident of Virginia since 1993

Senator Richard L. Saslaw (Chair)(D) -
Senate District 35
General Assembly Building, Room 613
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7535
email: district35@sov.state.va.us

Senator Charles J. Colgan(D) - S
enate District 29
General Assembly Building, Room 317
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7537
email: district29@sov.state.va.us
10677 Aviation Lane
Manassas, Virginia 20110-2701
(703) 368-0300

Senator Yvonne B. Miller(D) -
Senate District 5
General Assembly Building, Room 315
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7505
email: district05@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 452
Norfolk, Virginia 23501
(757) 627-4212

Senator William C. Wampler, Jr.(R) -
Senate District 40
General Assembly Building, Room 301
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7540
email: district40@sov.state.va.us
510 Cumberland Street
Suite 308
Bristol, Virginia 24201-4387
(276) 669-7515

Senator Thomas K. Norment, Jr.(R) -
Senate District 3
General Assembly Building, Room 427
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7503
email: district03@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 6205
Williamsburg, Virginia 23188
(757) 259-7810

Senator Walter A. Stosch(R) -
Senate District 12
General Assembly Building, Room 621
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7512
email: district12@sov.state.va.us
nnsbrook Centre
4551 Cox Road
Suite 110
Glen Allen, Virginia 23060-6740
(804) 527-7780

Senator Kenneth W. Stolle(R) -
Senate District 8
General Assembly Building, Room 426
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7508
email: district08@sov.state.va.us2
101 Parks Avenue
Suite 700
Virginia Beach, Virginia 23451
(757) 486-5700

Senator John S. Edwards(D) -
Senate District 21
General Assembly Building, Room 309
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7521
email: district21@sov.state.va.us
P. O. Box 1179
Roanoke, Virginia 24006-1179
(540) 985-8690

Senator John C. Watkins(R) -
Senate District 10
General Assembly Building, Room 331
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7510
email: district10@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 159
Midlothian, Virginia 23113-0159
(804) 379-2063

Senator Frank W. Wagner(R) -
Senate District 7
General Assembly Building, Room 312
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7507
email: district07@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 68008
Virginia Beach, Virginia 23471
(757) 671-2250

Senator Stephen D. Newman(R) -
Senate District 23
General Assembly Building, Room 303
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7523
email: district23@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 480
Forest, Virginia 24551
(434) 385-1065

Senator Phillip P. Puckett(D) -
Senate District 38
General Assembly Building, Room 330
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7538
email: district38@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 924
Tazewell, Virginia 24651-0924
(276) 979-8181

Senator Linda T. Puller(D) -
Senate District 36
General Assembly Building, Room 328
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7536
email: district36@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 73
Mt. Vernon, Virginia 22121-0073
(703) 765-1150

Senator Mark R. Herring(D) -
Senate District 33
General Assembly Building, Room 322
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7533
email: district33@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 6246
Leesburg, Virginia 20178
(804) 730-1026

Senator A. Donald McEachin(D) -
Senate District 9
General Assembly Building, Room 318
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7509
email: district09@sov.state.va.us
4719 Nine Mile Road
Richmond, Virginia 23223
(804) 288-3381

more ramblings...

2008-01-24T18:55:00.000-05:00

I still don't know where to start when I sit down to write. I can tell you a few things though. Without a doubt, working a 15 hour day is NOT a good idea. Yesterday just about killed me. Oh, and the old saying 'Never wake a sleeping baby' also holds true for someone in her first trimester. My stupid (oops, I mean wonderful) husband keeps waking me up. He doesn't want me to sleep too much. I'm about ready to kill him.

On to my mental health. I came to the realization Monday night, after staring at that little ultrasound picture but cautioning myself and not allowing myself not to think more than 1 week into the future, that I'm completely kidding myself. I'm certainly not protecting myself. If this whole thing heads south, there is no way on earth I could be prepared for it and I would most certainly be devastated. So...I decided to enjoy this and try to live my life like a regular pregnant (did you catch that....I said it) lady. I still know that we've got a long way to go, but one of the things the ultrasound tech said stuck with me. She kept pointing to the screen saying, "That's your baby". She did not say what was in my head, "That's a random clump of cells that may or may not become a baby in 9 more months". She simply said, "That's your baby" with a huge smile on her face. There's a big difference in those two sentences. I want to think positively. I'm currently more pregnant than I've ever been...and for all I know, this might be as much as I get. I'd much rather enjoy it, than be miserable.

Of course I say enjoy it, and I am, for the most part. Thing is, all day long, I'm really afraid that every time I open my mouth, copious amounts of vomit will spew forth. Now I'm not typically a puker...and I'm really hoping I don't become one. But pretty much all day long, I feel like I'm about to. It's much worse in the morning and at night. Mid day is when I get down right ravenous, eating one lunch around 11 and another at 1. I'm just crossing my fingers that it means the little heart is still beating.

Ok, enough rambling. Maybe someday I will put together a coherent post. Now it's back to bed for some DVR

whew...

2008-01-22T10:50:00.000-05:00

We have a heartbeat! There was one little bean in there, measuring right on cue, 6 weeks 3 days. I can now breathe....at least for a few days. I don't think I have ever been as nervous or anxious before in my entire life. Our next ultrasound is Wed the 30th.

Ok, gotta run to work, just wanted to give you all a quick update. Thanks so much for all the hope and support. Once again, I am amazed and blessed to have met such an astounding group of women!

ms. negative

2008-01-20T19:48:00.000-05:00

**I am prefacing this but warning you all that this is going to be a very whiny and negative post...and I'm not really apologizing for it**

Before I tell you all about how my weekend went down, let me give you a little background on Mr H's brother and his wife. They just had their 2nd little girl a few months ago and are one of the most neurotic parents I have ever met in my entire life. You know the people...who act like no one else has ever raised a child before and make the biggest deal about everything and are crazy over-protective (my niece had to wear little knee pads when crawling...they didn't want to her scratch herself). Ok, so that is them. Now for the last few 5 weeks they have been trying to schedule the new baby's baby naming. Everyone gave the weekends they were available, yada, yada. Should be fairly easy, right? Now we were always planning on going up for this long weekend, driving up on Saturday so we could get a good night's sleep before not sleeping for days (my mother in laws house is the subject of a whole other post) but they told us a few weeks ago that this wouldn't be the weekend of the ceremony because none of the great grandparents could make it in.

On Tuesday, Mr H gets a call from his bro that the ceremony is on for this weekend, they don't care about the great-grandparents and just want to be done planning it. We need to be there at 8:45 Sat morning. So much for sleeping in. I arrange to be able to leave work a little early so we don't sit on the Jersey turnpike for too long and off we go.

As we get close, we give them a call. Usually when we drive in we'll pick up pizza and bring it to their house for dinner. Turns out my oldest niece is sick, so no dinner. After talking to them some more later, she has been sick for 3 weeks and her pediatrician said that I should in no way be around her, since they aren't sure exactly what this bug is. Fan-fucking-tastic. So we just drove 5 hours, re-arranged our schedules, and now I can't even see them. And they knew about this before planning the ceremony for this weekend.

So we don't sleep that night, get to temple right on time (no easy feat for someone who started experiencing morning sickness late last week) and are they there? No, of course not. Everyone is ready for them. The oldest is horribly sick and they can't get her out of the house, but refuse to leave her at home with someone, since they want her there for the ceremony. They finally show up, 35 minutes late, with the sickest looking child I have ever seen in my entire life. My heart just broke for her.

So we sit through the 3 hour service. I of course have to get up several times. Neither my bladder nor my stomach can go 3 hours right now. Head back to my sis-in-laws parents house for a little party. I am trying my best to steer clear of the sick niece with still getting some quality baby time with the new baby. We're there for about 3 hours and want to know the best part....there is no freaking food. A few things of biscotti and some cookies, that el-sicko decides to put her hands all over. I felt like I had the shakes by the time I was leaving, my little bag of snacks was only meant to get me through the service. Of course, we got in trouble for leaving early, but I really needed to eat (and yes, his brother and sis in law know about the IF and the pregnancy, so should have been slightly more understanding)

So another crappy nights sleep and we decided to head home today, instead of tomorrow. What's the point of being there if I can't even be in their house? Of course, no one understands why we're leaving early.

And for my last whiny note, while driving back home I got hit with a nasty cold. So that is pretty sucky.

I'm anxiously awaiting Tuesday's ultrasound. I go back and forth between feeling somewhat OK about it all, since I've got all-day sickness most of the time and being convinced that it is all phantom pains and all I'm going to see on Tuesday is an empty uterus--just like ever other ultrasound ever (I'm one of those people that never likes to see the screen during appointments, since it just looks empty). And then of course I get even madder at IF, since it took what should be a wonderfully exciting time for us and made me worry about every little thing.

I think I'm going to go to bed soon and sleep this all off. Thank goodness I have tomorrow off, I would not have been able to get up and go to work tomorrow.

(if you listened to my rantings for this long....thanks)

Long time no blog

2008-01-15T14:29:00.000-05:00

Sorry everyone. I've gone back and forth between not knowing what to say and not having the energy to type. Tons of thoughts running through my head though so this might be a long one!

- I caved and bought a book. And after not allowing it in the house for 2 days, I actually took it out of the car over the weekend. I realized late last week that I am really good at being infertile. I know alot about it. Ask me anything, if I don't know the answer, I'll be able to find it quickly. However, I know absolutely nothing about being pregnant (there, I said it). I'm afraid I am not going to be good at it. So I bought a book and proceeded to get annoyed with said book less than 1 chapter in because of this "We all know if takes 2 to conceive a baby but it takes a minimum of 3-mother, father, and...health care professional..." Really, took a few more than 3 people for me! So that book has been put down and I still know nothing.

- thank you for all of your help and suggestions about my blockage problems. With a careful diet of Kashi cereal for brekkie, prunes to snack on all day, and at least one other meal containing beans, I've gotten it under control. Gas, heartburn, and constant low grade nausea have stepped in. I'm not complaining though...in fact, I welcome every burp and stomach roll. Helps me make it to next Tuesday.

- I knew that newly p-word people are tired. I'm Ok with that because I love to sleep. What I did not expect was being drop dead exhausted...and not being able to sleep. I'm typically up for 2-3 hours each night, regardless of if I nap during the day, what time I go to bed, etc. Luckily, my boss sent me home today to take a nap and work the rest of the afternoon from home. (and look how I'm thanking her, by catching up on all your blogs and posting)

I swear I had a ton more posts in my head, but I have no idea where they went. Of course I'm convinced that they were my best thoughts yet...like when you forget to hit save and lose a paragraph of your paper. You re-write it, but you know what you originally had was SO much better than the drivel you're coming up with now. That's what this post is, drivel.

One week to ultrasound. We're heading up to Long Island this weekend for my niece's baby naming. So that's 3 days that will help me get my mind off it. We'll drive home Monday and then just one more sleep! I'm guessing we'll be stopping at every single rest stop between here and NY...my bladder has got a mind of its own lately.

Thanks again for the advice and support. I think I'd go crazy without all you ladies!

Lots of stuff

2008-01-10T14:22:00.000-05:00

I haven't really posted alot this week because I really don't know what to say. This whole thing is surreal to me. I feel like I'm on an episode of P.unk'd or something. Any minute now I expect someone to jump out and tell me it's all a joke.

I'm slowly starting to accept the fact that right now, I'm the p-word. I know that doesn't translate into an actual baby but I'm going to try to be excited about it. All the old infertile thoughts are really hard to make go away. Take this morning for example, I called to schedule my u/s and my favorite receptionist answered the phone. I hadn't seen her the last time I was there and as soon as I said my name and what I was calling for, she got all excited, asked if I was p-word, and said congrats and how happy she was for me. Now this is not a story about how nice people at my clinic are, but rather, that all I could think about was the women in the waiting room and how that moment, while exciting for me since this is largely a secret, must have been torturous for them. I would have been miserable if, while sitting there waiting for my pre-dawn appointment with the dildocam, I heard that and would be posting about how insensitive they were, not how nice. Not sure what the whole point of that little story was...I guess just that I don't know how to think of myself.

I know how I'm feeling though and while I got some temporary relieve from the constipation, it came back rather quickly. I am so bloated from it all, and from all the water I'm drinking to help relieve it, that my pants barely fit. And this is disgusting but I'm farting constantly. I just can't stop myself, I hate it. It is cracking Mr H up though. Tuesday night I had a handful of the prunes and they did nothing. Last night, I ate about half the container and they worked their magic in the middle of the night. But now, right back to blockage. Makes me feel so sick. I might have to try the prune juice instead. Really not looking forward to that.

I scheduled my ultrasound for the Tuesday the 22nd. That is so far away. I could have made the appointment for that Monday instead but I really wanted my doctor to do it. And, in the alternate universe I'm now living in, would make me 6w3d, which gives us a decent shot of maybe seeing a heart beat. Not that I'm getting ahead of myself.

Thanks again for all the thoughts and good wishes. I've saved every single one, they make me cry

1024

2008-01-09T13:35:00.000-05:00

no time for a real post, crazy meetings all afternoon but yeah!!! Can't get betabase open to figure out doubling time, but I know that 850 would have been exactly double.

Ultrasound will be scheduled for the 21st or 22nd.

Now back to convincing myself that the pains on my right side are a cyst

thanks for all the good thoughts and prayers

What not to wear

2008-01-08T19:25:00.001-05:00

I've done this before. I should know better than to wear red undies. Every single time I went to the bathroom, my heart skipped a beat. I think I'm going to throw these out tonight.

Pretty sure I've got my first few symptoms. I am beyond constipated. I think we're almost at a week. And it's not pleasant. I bought myself a big ol bag of dried fruit and have been munching on it. Picking out the dried plums (what a nice euphemism) and making sure I eat those. I'm hoping it works some magic soon. I've also had horrible indigestion and heartburn the last two nights. Let me tell you, Indian was not a good choice. It made me bloated beyond belief. Not sure what to do about this one. I ate less for dinner tonight, hoping that helps.

Still having lots of cramps, which depending on my mood either make me feel better or worse. Lots of pains on my right side. Feels cyst-like. And since I had 3 follies on that side, I'm telling myself that's what it is.

Third beta is tomorrow morning. I'm not quite as nervous as I was last time, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be checking my voicemail starting around 11-ish. Yes, I know full well they won't call until 2, but I'll still be checking just in case!

Sorry for the random collection of thoughts...that's the only way my mind can work right now

Over the first hurdle

2008-01-07T18:02:00.001-05:00

Beta was 425 for a doubling time of 45.52 hrs. Today is 16 dpiui. I do not know who I became this afternoon but I really don't like her. Even though I know full well they don't start making calls until 1:30 to 2-ish, I still started checking my voicemail around 11:30. And I didn't get ANY work done because I kept checking every 3-5 minutes.

So for now, I'm sitting back and am going to enjoy this moment. For now, there's something growing in there. If Wednesday also has a good number, I'll have to come up with a new name for this little embie. For now, we've been calling it the "Maybe Baby" but I don't think that inspires much confidence.

On to other things, I forgot to post earlier today about the great time I had out with the DC ladies. Sorry I didn't get to spend more time with all of you. Who knew there was a Cosi on both sides of Dupont Circle??? Certainly not me! But LJ and I had a great little chat by ourselves before running across the circle to meet everyone else! Next time I promise to pay closer attention to directions.

Thank you all again for the good wishes and support. Seeing you guys in my inbox all day long was fantastic....got me through the day

No whammies

2008-01-07T11:25:00.000-05:00

First, thank you for all of your words of encouragement and good wishes. I am so unbelievably blessed to have all of you ladies in my life.

This morning I feel like I'm in Las V.egas. All day I've been thinking "Big number, big number, no whammies, big number!" My fear is that just like in LV, the house always wins. Doesn't matter what game you're playing; injectibles, C.lomid, IUI, IVF...the IF Hotel and Casino has the edge.

I know this is a horribly negative way to think and I really do want to be excited and enjoy this moment but the truth is, I'm scared out of my mind. I go back and forth on if I'm having any symptoms. Definitely some cramping over the weekend, but for the most part that's gone. Other than that, most of the other symptoms can be blamed on the Pr.ometrium.

So nothing to do but wait...and keep thinking "big number, big number"!

142!!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-04T14:47:00.000-05:00

I was hoping for something over 50, since it's still really early. Betabase has the average hCG for 13 dpiui as 36. But 142! That far exceeded my expectations. I have my follow ups on Monday and Wednesday. It's going to be a looong weekend, those pee sticks aren't going to know what hit'em! Well, they will, I just have a feeling I'm going to be grabbing one every time I go to the bathroom.

I had prepared myself for a lower number and had convinced myself that I wasn't going to get as caught up in everything as I did last time but the nurse's message was SO different. Last time she said things like, "well, it's officially positive" and "come back in 2 days, we need to ride this out." This time first thing she said "I have good news", said congrats 3 times, and that it was a nice high number given that I was testing early. Since she's a medical professional, she's got me all excited. I recognize that I only believe her when she says things I want to hear. That I'm like the woman with the cheating husband, ignoring the lipstick and being gone all hours and just focusing on the fact that he bought me some grocery store flowers.

I really need to protect myself. I know this isn't a sure thing. Neither one of us has mentioned the p-word yet. I remember back when we were first trying and every single cycle I would figure out my due date with those online calculators. I'd think of the season, what type of clothes I'd be wearing, would it be really hot, would I have to worry about slipping on ice? I thought all of these things monthly, and always got my heart broken. Still haven't gone to any of those sites and done that, I almost don't want to know. First, it would be admitting it and second, it would make it far too real. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely giddy with excitement, but I'm trying to do the cautious optimism thing.

A Little Sweetness

Moving day!!!

oops...my bad

Murphy's law

Confessions...

Following up on the aha

catching up

Happy sad

If it ain't broke, does it need to be fixed?

Playing hooky

Randomness

What works

Workin for a livin

More bullets

Lots to update

dreams

Last Chance

week 1 down

consistency

thanks

Operation Fill My Inbox

This is a test

My last week

Save the toys

Jump start my...

Anyone out there?

I am thankful

bad kitty momma

a nothing post

that ugly green monster

can't think of a good title...

I'm a liar

Getting into my groove

quick question

The hospital

One week old!

The sweetness is here!

ow

An eruption

little update

it's baaacck

Contents of my grocery cart

exhausted

oops

boring and don't know anything

What a year

My 18 year old self mocks me-and other random thoughts

You know you're a heifer when...

2 worlds (or me and the Venn diagrams)

home

I shouldn't be sad today

never thought is possible

Good thoughts for a friend

what is that room in my house?

if one more person...

blech...

So much to say? ** belly pic in post**

Tagged times two

Parents

thanks ladies

Bowing out (and some questions for ya)

yet another rant

full circle

dr updates and stuff

a real post for you all

what the f?

really?

no one gets it

Partee!!

Been awhile

Traffic distractions

is it bad that...

Extremely important post

Spring cleaning

just can't think of a good title ;)

Vegas baby

Iced coffee is good

definitions

catching up

ta da...the pic **belly pic in post**

So much to say? belly pic in post

ta da...the pic belly pic in post