Going out of my mind

I might seriously lose it.

Beta was under 5, which I completely expected and, at this point, am OK with. I did the crying, raging, mad at the world thing yesterday and I am ready to move on.

I called back my nurse to see when I should expect AF and if anything would change with our IUI plans. She said I can expect it in 3-4 WEEKS. Yes, I said weeks. First off, I never have a 3-4 week cycle. If she even looked at my file, she'd see that I'm pretty consistently 33-35 days. I had mentioned that I had some spotting last week and she is saying that counted as AF. I tried to explain that all I had was some really light brown spotting and that in no way for me counts as AF. And she still stuck with her 3-4 week line. I know I may not have any medical degrees but wouldn't any lining that had built up need to come back out? And I asked her that (although I phrased it a little bit nicer). And she again said that my spotting counts.

Then I got tricky (he he he). I asked if that was the case, can the light spotting I had today make this CD1 so I can go in for bloodwork and us on Thursday and get this cycle going. She needs to go ask the dr about that.

I better freaking be able to start this IUI. It has been in the works since August. Yup, August!! Now we decided to skip September for family reasons and I am really starting to regret that. I guess I thought I was ok with and over the whole chemical pregnancy thing but apparently I wasn't. Because all I want to do is climb under something and have a sob fest. But I can't because I'm giving a workshop later on where I get to tell parents how to manage their child's difficult behaviors and I just know someone is going to ask me if I'm a parent. arg

And just to get out the very worst part of all this....I can't forget how Mr H looked at me those 2 days we thought I was pregnant. It was a look I've never seen before, it had so much love in it, and amazement at what we had done. And now that's gone. And I don't know if he'll ever look at me like that again. And it just makes me want to cry.