Parents

Sorry I've been MIA. Work was crazy and then we took off to FL for a few days. Came back to a shitstorm of course. So yes, I owe you all a real legit post but this is going to be a quick little vent before I get back to work (yes, it's 9 PM) about parents acting like children.

Just found out tonight that not only is my dad moving out and getting a divorce, but that he's moving 8 hours away....on Friday. Seem a little hasty?? Not for someone who's clinically depressed and regularly self-medicates with car bombs (the drink, not an actual bomb). When my brother talked to him about his drinking, he said it's ok because he typically only binge drinks 1-2 times/week and he never drives. Sounds like a teenager at all???

So I'm left with a wreck of a mother, an insane amount of work to do, and pretty crappy mental health of my own. My mom is staying with us tomorrow night so she doesn't have to be around when my dad loads up his truck. Ridiculous.

Again, sorry for the dump and I do promise a real post as soon as I get my head above water

thanks ladies

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice. For now I'm going to go with some denial and put off any decision making until sometime next year. I really appreciated everyone's thoughts on future treatments and I'll probably talk to my RE before we would start up again to see if what knowing would change. So there....I'm wiping my hands of it for now (or at least trying to).

Can we talk for just one minute about the crazy weather and traffic around DC yesterday. It took me an hour and a half to get home from work last night. As I'm pulling in, Mr H calls to tell me that there is a power outage on the metro and everyone has to get off about 4 stops away from us. So I run in to the house, use the bathroom, feed the cat, grab a granola bar for myself, and get back into the car. It should take me 20 minutes to get to this metro station. One hour and 10 minutes later I pick Mr H up. Some of you might remember that I found out last month that my uterus does not like sitting in the car. As soon as I had that car in park, I jumped out, ran to the passenger side and lied down...felt so much better. Then, instead of trying to go straight home, we decided to go to a little cafe less than 1/2 mile from the metro. In retrospect, we should have just parked the car and walked but instead it took us 30 minutes to get there. Then 45 home. So all in all, four hours in the car. I could have been somewhere fun in that time, but no, I spent it on the beltway and 66.

Thankfully, schools were closed today. I soooo needed it. I thought it would give me the time to catch up on all the end of year paperwork but I had no power or cable (therefore, no internet) until 4 today. So I was forced to relax. And I walked over to the grocery store for lunch since there was no way I was getting back in that car today!

hmmm....reads like a very whiny post, sorry. I really came on just to thank you all for your help and good thoughts. This community never ceases to amaze me!

really?

**disclaimer** I wouldn't read this if you're not in a good place

Are you kidding me? They have to stop, it's getting ridiculous. They alone are going to responsible for SOOO much over-population. I couldn't even read the whole stupid thing about God's gifts and all that nonsense. And if I was 20, I'd be a little weirded out that my mom kept getting knocked up.

And one more thing...who the fuck announces they are pregnant to the entire world wide web???

What is wrong with the world?

Seriously....this....again....

I want it not to be true but it's being report everywhere. What is the world coming to? Very nice that she met the baby daddy at church...how fucking wholesome...

one day to go

I need someone to help me figure out why, with the roads barely wet and a few little flurries falling, my 35 minute commute needs to take over 2 hours. Why?? It was ridiculous this morning. People are just idiots sometimes. A women decided to stop 2 lanes of traffic in order to get her side mirror that was crumpled on the highway. They aren't putting it back on lady! And yet you felt the need to block off these 2 lanes for 5 minutes while you picked up the pieces of you car....get out of the freakin road, you've got bigger problems than the mirror, your car is completely smooshed. Between the traffic and the meds, I was really ready to run her over. Instead, I sat there fuming thinking 'I SO need to move back north'. But at least it was a 2 hour distraction.

To add to the minus column, really bad cramps last night, AF style. But for the plus side, this is my longest LP ever. So we're still pretty even. Had a google emergency last night. About 2 hours after inserting my Pr.ometrium, I went to the bathroom, and the capsule fell out. I really wanted to take another but everything I found said that if its in for 20 minutes, you got all the meds. Hoping Dr Google is right. Of course that couldn't have happened with my morning dose so I could call the nurse.

Thanks again for the support and good wishes. I'll be testing tomorrow morning before my beta. Not sure when I'll be able to update that day

Still nothing

I stayed strong this morning and didn't test. Mainly because we have people staying with us and I couldn't have handled the negative since at this point (13 dpiui) it would be pretty damn accurate. And for that reason, I won't be testing tomorrow morning either. I really don't want to be in tears dropping these people off at the metro. I will though, before the beta, just to have my moment by myself (since the house guests will be gone).

Oh, and another note to self: When 13 dpiui, do not wear your red (really blood red) underwear. I swear I cursed every single time I went to the bathroom today (which was a lot). The pr.ometrium drips do not help that situation either (sorry, that was probably a bit tmi)

Still no AF-type cramps, so that's a plus. Still waking up all sweaty, a minus. Still crazy huge, painful boobs, a plus. Face so broken up I need to dip it in a vat of concealer, a minus. Still no spotting, another plus. Yes, I literally have a plus/minus table going here. Problem is, all of the plus signs can all be explained by the Pr.ometium.

At this point, as much as I want a positive, I just want to know and move on if I have to. I'm tired of this freaking wait.

Thanks for all the good thoughts though, I appreciate it. And I love all my new commentors (not sure if that's a word). I promise to update my blog soon, but you're all in my bloglines and I love reading your stories!

What a Monday

I definitely have a case of the Monday's. (I think that is the 2nd time I've quoted this movie in the same week...please tell me you all know it)

I woke up at 5 this morning with crazy night sweats (not sure if that's considered morning sweats). And I usually get those the day before AF shows up so of course I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I laid there thinking about every single thing I'd done over the last 2 weeks and ever little twinge I've had.

I managed to fall back asleep after my alarm went off and just went in a little late to work. Get to work and what is the very first thing I do, spill my entire coffee over my desk...and myself. At least my first thought was 'Save the Laptop!' but I'm all sticky now and everything else that was on my desk was ruined. Thankfully I had cleaned and organized Friday afternoon, usually my desk is a disaster area. Of course, I was so tired that I splurged for a half-caff this morning and it just got wasted! I've got a bunch of meetings that I forgot about and I forgot that Mr H's friend is crashing with us the next 2 nights. Uggg....

Today is 12dpiui. I managed to stay strong and not test the last 2 mornings. For me, getting AF is somehow easier that seeing those white screens staring back at me. At the same time, after today, I'd really love to pop open a bottle of wine tonight and NOT share it with anyone else. But I won't, because you never know. (Or I'll cave and test...and then pop open my bottle). I know I'll have to test Thursday morning before my beta. I need to know so I can brace myself for the phone call. This is the worst part of the 2ww, I can always make it through the beginning no problem. And this one is even worse since I can't help but think that it is the first time we've had a fighting chance.

To end on a positive, I had a fantastic time at the DC Metro bloggers Cookie Exchange yesterday. Thanks so much for hosting Leah. It was wonderful to see everyone!

Going out of my mind

I might seriously lose it.

Beta was under 5, which I completely expected and, at this point, am OK with. I did the crying, raging, mad at the world thing yesterday and I am ready to move on.

I called back my nurse to see when I should expect AF and if anything would change with our IUI plans. She said I can expect it in 3-4 WEEKS. Yes, I said weeks. First off, I never have a 3-4 week cycle. If she even looked at my file, she'd see that I'm pretty consistently 33-35 days. I had mentioned that I had some spotting last week and she is saying that counted as AF. I tried to explain that all I had was some really light brown spotting and that in no way for me counts as AF. And she still stuck with her 3-4 week line. I know I may not have any medical degrees but wouldn't any lining that had built up need to come back out? And I asked her that (although I phrased it a little bit nicer). And she again said that my spotting counts.

Then I got tricky (he he he). I asked if that was the case, can the light spotting I had today make this CD1 so I can go in for bloodwork and us on Thursday and get this cycle going. She needs to go ask the dr about that.

I better freaking be able to start this IUI. It has been in the works since August. Yup, August!! Now we decided to skip September for family reasons and I am really starting to regret that. I guess I thought I was ok with and over the whole chemical pregnancy thing but apparently I wasn't. Because all I want to do is climb under something and have a sob fest. But I can't because I'm giving a workshop later on where I get to tell parents how to manage their child's difficult behaviors and I just know someone is going to ask me if I'm a parent. arg

And just to get out the very worst part of all this....I can't forget how Mr H looked at me those 2 days we thought I was pregnant. It was a look I've never seen before, it had so much love in it, and amazement at what we had done. And now that's gone. And I don't know if he'll ever look at me like that again. And it just makes me want to cry.

Talk me down

I'm standing up on Evaporation Line Ledge and I'm ready to jump. F that, I've already jumped.

I got up at 5 this morning having to pee. Not wanting to waste that FMU I naturally POAS. It's what I do. As I did it I told myself I was being ridiculous and I needed to get over this bullshit and get my ass back to bed. So that's what I did.

Fast forward to 7:30 when I woke up for real. What's staring up at me? A fucking second line! That has NEVER happened ever. Any time I check later in the day I've never had an evap line (is it lame that I usually keep checking for the next 2-3 hrs? Oh well). I had just gone to the bathroom so I had nothing left to take another test. And now I'm at work and have a private client later on tonight. I won't be home to test again until after 8. At that point I may as well wait until tomorrow morning when it's more likely to be accurate. Now I know in my brain that this is most likely an evap line but I can't help but wonder. Mr H was no help, he's always a super realist. And not being the pee stick connoisseur that I am, he thought is was negative because it wasn't as dark as the control (btw, it was dark enough for me to see without my glasses...and I'm legally freaking blind) Evap lines aren't that dark, are they?

My nurse doesn't work on Thursday's and I don't want to call and set up an appointment for nothing. Although on the flip side, if it is nothing, that still doesn't explain why I O'd 2 weeks ago and have nothing but some brown spotting to show for it.

So please, I know I've already gone over the ledge and will be devastated tomorrow morning if I get a negative, but please, any stories of hope? Of this not being an evap line? I took a picture this morning but I was a little embarrassed that I used my wine glass (rinsed of course) from last night since I didn't have any more paper cups. I didn't realize it and by then didn't have time to take another pic. And I thought if this does all work, having the wine glass in the picture could make me a bad mom to be. AHhhhh.....why did I say that??? See I've gone over that ledge. I don't know how I'm going to make it through today.

If you read all this and still have any shed of respect left for me....thanks

Another milestone

Happy Monday!
Today marks CD 58. Unless AF shows up in the next few hours this is officially my longest cycle ever. I think that deserves some recognition so I'll be having a pity party for myself tonight complete with comfort food (either mac and cheese or chinese, still deciding), copious amounts of red wine, and my DVR. I can not wait!

Hopefully the end is in sight. I'm still spotting and have those double over in pain cramps. My pre-authorization for this IUI ends on the 31st though. And in August when it got approved that seemed like light years away. I just remembered this morning so hopefully our financial person can get it re-upped before CD 3 rolls around (see me all being hopeful and optimistic).

dreaming...

Spotting used to be my nemesis, my Newman if you will. It would start super early (sometimes as early as 3 dpo). I hated it. Now I actually had a dream last night where I started spotting and I was ecstatic!!!! I know I supposedly ovulated last week and I can NOT wait to get this ridiculously llloooooooonnnnnnggggg cycle over and get on with it. I'm on CD 51 and that is just not cool.

May my dreams come true tonight... ;)

takes on a whole different tone now

Some people will never get it

Let me start by saying that so far I've had no complaints about anyone at my clinic. I know alot of people who say they've felt like a number there but my nurse has been great and my dr emails me back within hours of my asking him a question. My nurse doesn't work on Thursdays so I had a different one. And just to recap, I'm on CD 47, no spotting or anything and I'm ready to start this IUI. So I had a blood test this morning to make sure I could take P.rovera

This is the message the nurse left on my voicemail today. I was floored by it...but maybe I'm super sensitive.
" Good news and bad news Meghan. Bad news is you can't take the P.rovera..."

Now what would you be thinking?? I'm thinking "Holy crap, we actually did it! How should I tell Mr H?...Oh my f-ing God, we actually did it! Holy shit!!!"

Next words out of the nurses mouth...

" Good news now! Seems like you ovulated, you should expect your period within the next 2 weeks, since your progesterone is really low"

Now isn't that just cruel?? And may I also mention that this nurse is pregnant? So now I'm back to sitting and waiting. I suck at sitting and waiting.

so not a morning person

I got up nice and early this morning so I'd be ready to head out as soon as the contractor came so I could go to the clinic to get that blood test and prescription and still make it to work on time. I couldn't be late today. Of course he was 45 minutes late getting to the house. All dressed up and nowhere to go.

So I rescheduled for tomorrow and it's Mr H's morning to wait for the contractor. At this point I know one more day doesn't matter, I was just excited to finally be moving forward. I know I am still moving in the right direction, I'm just taking smaller steps than I would have liked. I'm a fast walker with long legs...I'm used to leaps and bounds and people not being able to keep up with me. These slow baby steps take some getting used to.

good morning to me

Love waking up to this email from my cousin...

Hello Everyone!

As most of you know K & S had pictures taken at G.lamour Shots a while back. Those photos were entered into a contest & the grand prize is a $3000 savings bond, however Glamour Shots did not tell us that it was based on outside votes! If you get a chance to get on the website & give the gals a vote it would be greatly appreciated! J Go to www.g.lamourshots.com click on the “contests” tab, then click on Kids Portrait Contest/ browse & vote, then go to 0-1 & search by first name “S” & vote, & then go to 2-4 & search by first name “K” & vote! Pass this on to everyone you know! THANKS, Casie! J

Nothing I wanted to do more this morning then scan through hundreds of pages of adorable little babies. Being a good cousin, I did but it sucked.

**and I am SOOOO not sending this out so other people can vote...that's why I took their names out :-)

why??

Greetings from Bitter-ville!

Why do so many women feel the need to bring their babies to work? Especially when one works in a germ-y school. Three people today brought their 12-18 month old in. I'm sure I'll do it too, but right now, I just don't get it.

And why, when these women bring their babies to work, does everyone else have to comment on how hard it must be to work and have a baby? No shit it's hard to juggle, but everyone has a life outside of their work they are trying to balance. Working moms don't have the market cornered on that one.

And tonight is back to school night and I know several of the parents are going to comment on my wine and Chubby Hubby belly and ask if I have any announcements for them...

Did you know...

that for some people it doesn't cost anything to have a baby??

Someone we used to work with came by for a visit this morning sporting a big old pregnant belly. She sits down in my office to chat and catch up. Of course she asks the dreaded question, "So when are you going to get one of these?" and points to her stomach. I reply with my non-answer, "I'm still working those extra consult hours, trying to make some more money". All of us recognize that I did not answer the question and would probably stop there. But no, she says "it doesn't cost anything to make'em...that's the fun part!" Really....fun....I stopped having fun a LOOONNNGGGG time ago. And doesn't cost anything??? I don't even know what to say to that. I'm lucky enough to have some insurance coverage and I'm over a thousand dollars before even starting a treatment cycle. (I completely recognize that 1000 is pocket change compared to what some of you have spent but I'm just fired up)

I suppose this is one of the arguments for telling people....I could have done some education there but instead I didn't say anything and luckily my walkie went off calling me into a classroom.

sorry for the vent...I think I've got a short fuse this morning or something, everyone is pissing me off and she just sent me over the edge.

Isn't this a little redundant?

My gyno's office just called confirming my annual appointment for tomorrow that I had completely forgotten about. At first I was upset, how on earth did I forget about a dr's appt?? But then I realized I forgot because it is completely ridiculous appointment. How many different medical professionals have had the pleasure of sneaking a peek in the last 8 months? How many ultrasounds? How many pictures? Do I really need a freaking pap?? I was all set to cancel it but I remembered that the RE does need the results. What a pain in the ass. I'm fine taking time off for all my RE appts, those are important. But this is just stupid...although at least I won't be nervous/shy/or embarrassed any more. I'm long since over that!

Plus I'm still pissed at how she handled our referral to the RE. On the surface she seemed supportive. She told me how she needed Clomid for all of her pregnancies and she could just put me right on that. I wanted some testing first and that is when she became very dismissive. I showed her charts and she did the classic, you need to start having sex earlier...really....when I don't ovulate until CD 22-28?? Now my husband would have loved that but I liked the little break from the baby making. And she drew blood for my 7 dpo progesterone test on CD 21, just like the good books tell them to, when I was showing her that I hadn't O'd yet. So needless to say when we met for our results, she told me I didn't ovulate and my husbands morph was so low we'd be straight to IVF...and that wasn't looking good.

So that rocked us and then we were shocked when the RE contradicted everything she said. So I'm not really looking forward to seeing her. I know she'll ask how things are going and I'm really going to have to try hard to be polite and not snap at her....or maybe I'll just tell her that she needs to brush up on her fertility info before she talks to people.

arg....

two thoughts

1. You know you've been ttc too damn long when the digital HPT's you bought when you first started trying....EXPIRE!
2. There is no chocolate in my house right now....and that is SO not ok