First, I do have a post in the works regarding the completely UNBELIEVABLE fact that Sweetness turned 1 last week. But that's not what I want to blog about today.
Here's my confession. Since my period returned in the end of June (right when I went to nursing only morning and night), I've been unable to NOT notice when I might be ovulating and unable to NOT try to time things. It's a sickness really, a disease. And of course, I haven't been shocked my period does arrive, right on schedule. Why would I set myself up for this? After 2+ years of unprotected, perfectly timed sex resulted in nothing, you think I would have figured out not to get my hopes up.
What really gets me is that we found a GREAT house the other day. Liked it so much that we went to the open house today. It is almost my dream house. Front porch, nice back yard, tons of storage in the basement, eat in kitchen, etc, etc. And I'm tired of our house. I feel like it is getting smaller by the minute but mostly I'm tired of townhouse living, of hearing my neighbors sneeze. On one side this 60 year old guy plays his war video games so loud, I worry Sweetness is going to grow up thinking she's in a war zone. I'd like to not have the police at my pothead, juvenile delinquent's house on a weekly basis (especially since that does not stop him from dealing all day long). I want a drive way...and a back yard with a playset...and a front porch with rocking chairs where I can have a glass of wine at the end of the day.
We could swing it, it'd be tight because I don't think we'd get as much for our current house as we'd like. But we could make the payments. What is stopping us then?? Our Player To Be Named Later. We're starting to think about another baby. Not seriously because sleeping through the night has become a precious commodity. But we're at the point where we are now thinking about it. And we don't know what it will cost us. We could get lucky and only need to spend about 4000 like we did with Sweetness or we could be looking at 20000 or more. And that makes me mad, down right angry even. And then I get all "It's not fair, woe is me, my life sucks". And I know that's pathetic and my life is wonderful but it still isn't fair. Because IF has taken the whole "white picket fence, house in the burbs with 2.2 kids" and slashed it. It's almost like I can have one or the other.
I know others have said it as well but I want to have a bottle of wine with my hubby and then be surprised 2 weeks later when I'm pregnant. I want to not worry if, with each passing cycle, my eggs are turning more and more to shit. I want to not think about insurance, referrals, HSG, ultrasounds, nurses, blood draws, medication, injections, hot flashes, and failure. God, the failure. Part of me doesn't know if I'll ever be ready to deal with all that again. It was such a dark, dark time where I hated myself. And I don't buy the "you're so young line' anymore. First off, being young didn't help me too much in the beginning. I was 28 when we started trying, 31 when Sweetness was born. If we do decide to head back to the doctor's this spring, I'll be 32 almost 33. Times awasting.
I guess I just want it all...is that so bad???
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
If it ain't broke, does it need to be fixed?
I've got 12 minutes before I have to wake Sweetness up to take her to PT so I figured I'd use my time productively writing a post as opposed to mindlessly playing on F.acebook. Because this is productive!
Mel had a great post about resolving infertility that put into words what I've been feeling so much better than I ever could. I just assumed that when I had a child, through whatever means it took to get said child, that I wouldn't have to deal with IF anymore. Well you know what they say about assuming. I've read other bloggers for whom it's true but for me, personally, it couldn't be more false. Yes, the childlessness is gone and the gaping hole in my heart has been filled but I'm still stuck feeling broken. The thought of doing this whole thing over again to give Sweetness a sibling weighs down on me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not laying in bed crying over this 24/7. I do try to enjoy every second of her sweet baby-ness, partially because I know better than to take for granted that I might get to experience it again. But the slightest trigger brings it all back. Could be someone asking me what I'll do different for #2 or of course, someone joking that I've been fixed and better be careful because they know [insert random 16 degrees of separation here] who got pregnant without treatments for their second.
All the language around the IF urban legend of getting pregnant after treatments doesn't help the feelings of brokeness. So many people have used the verb "fix" when giving me their un-solicited assvice. Yet they tell me not to use "broke". Huh???
So with 1 minute left, that's where my head is at. I was trying not to blog about it too much. I mean really, who wants to read about someone lucky enough to have a baby complain about IF or feeling broke. But I might be blogging it out more often, just to clear my head. So thanks in advance for putting up with me.
Mel had a great post about resolving infertility that put into words what I've been feeling so much better than I ever could. I just assumed that when I had a child, through whatever means it took to get said child, that I wouldn't have to deal with IF anymore. Well you know what they say about assuming. I've read other bloggers for whom it's true but for me, personally, it couldn't be more false. Yes, the childlessness is gone and the gaping hole in my heart has been filled but I'm still stuck feeling broken. The thought of doing this whole thing over again to give Sweetness a sibling weighs down on me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not laying in bed crying over this 24/7. I do try to enjoy every second of her sweet baby-ness, partially because I know better than to take for granted that I might get to experience it again. But the slightest trigger brings it all back. Could be someone asking me what I'll do different for #2 or of course, someone joking that I've been fixed and better be careful because they know [insert random 16 degrees of separation here] who got pregnant without treatments for their second.
All the language around the IF urban legend of getting pregnant after treatments doesn't help the feelings of brokeness. So many people have used the verb "fix" when giving me their un-solicited assvice. Yet they tell me not to use "broke". Huh???
So with 1 minute left, that's where my head is at. I was trying not to blog about it too much. I mean really, who wants to read about someone lucky enough to have a baby complain about IF or feeling broke. But I might be blogging it out more often, just to clear my head. So thanks in advance for putting up with me.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
2 worlds (or me and the Venn diagrams)
So lately I've felt like I'm circling two different worlds, not really a member of either one but also not having a place to identify with. Like one of those funky Venn diagrams from 8 grade. You know, you've got Circle A and Circle B and a the little place they overall is A and B....but I'm an R or something crazy off to the side. I'd like to be an A and B in that small cozy little spot in the middle, surrounded on all sides by the amazing people of both circles, but it just doesn't work that way.
Here's my case in point...and I admit in advance that it is a kind of lame example. I've mentioned before that I love f.lair on f.acebook. Well on the same day last week this beautiful lady sent me some f.lair all about how annoying fertility advice is. We all agree, it most certainly is. You ladies are all my A circle. You are were I am most comfortable. However, everyone not in this circle seems to think that I ran like a bat out of hell away from Circle A and never looked back...that I've been 'cured' or something. Later on that same day my dear cousin (who is one of the very few IRL people who knows every gory detail of our trek to get pregnant) sent me some cute pregnant f.lair about creating people. How fun would it be to be a part of Circle B?? Just to be pregnant, taking it all for granted, complaining with everyone else, making conception jokes (this is a post for later in the week, I just lifted my baby shower ban, thinking I could pretend to be in Circle B but I soooo can not). Circle B was what I wanted all along...but I can't fully join and, even more to the point, when I try to join, those Pure Circle B's don't really want me. I scare them I think. Especially when they already ask when we'll be trying for a sibling (seriously, can't I get this one out first) and I say that we aren't sure if we'll go through all the rigamaroll again and that we're just focused on this amazing blessing. I don't think they like the reminder that you can be young and still have infertility...that it could be them next time.
So that leaves me with either being the A+B in the middle....or that R floating somewhere in the corner. A+B is tricky business, I haven't been able to find a good way to navigate that circle. And I didn't put up either of those pieces of flair, because I can't figure it out. But being an R....well being an R just sucks. It's lonely. And I know this is my issue. All of my lovely A ladies do not make me feel excluded, I do that to myself.
Not sure where all this leaves me...just had to dump a bit. Thanks for reading (and thanks for the diaper bag advice earlier....only problem with those discount sites is that I want more than 1). Oh and I did take pictures of the crib and dresser (and I did cry as they carried them upstairs) and I'll post them as soon as I upload everything.
Here's my case in point...and I admit in advance that it is a kind of lame example. I've mentioned before that I love f.lair on f.acebook. Well on the same day last week this beautiful lady sent me some f.lair all about how annoying fertility advice is. We all agree, it most certainly is. You ladies are all my A circle. You are were I am most comfortable. However, everyone not in this circle seems to think that I ran like a bat out of hell away from Circle A and never looked back...that I've been 'cured' or something. Later on that same day my dear cousin (who is one of the very few IRL people who knows every gory detail of our trek to get pregnant) sent me some cute pregnant f.lair about creating people. How fun would it be to be a part of Circle B?? Just to be pregnant, taking it all for granted, complaining with everyone else, making conception jokes (this is a post for later in the week, I just lifted my baby shower ban, thinking I could pretend to be in Circle B but I soooo can not). Circle B was what I wanted all along...but I can't fully join and, even more to the point, when I try to join, those Pure Circle B's don't really want me. I scare them I think. Especially when they already ask when we'll be trying for a sibling (seriously, can't I get this one out first) and I say that we aren't sure if we'll go through all the rigamaroll again and that we're just focused on this amazing blessing. I don't think they like the reminder that you can be young and still have infertility...that it could be them next time.
So that leaves me with either being the A+B in the middle....or that R floating somewhere in the corner. A+B is tricky business, I haven't been able to find a good way to navigate that circle. And I didn't put up either of those pieces of flair, because I can't figure it out. But being an R....well being an R just sucks. It's lonely. And I know this is my issue. All of my lovely A ladies do not make me feel excluded, I do that to myself.
Not sure where all this leaves me...just had to dump a bit. Thanks for reading (and thanks for the diaper bag advice earlier....only problem with those discount sites is that I want more than 1). Oh and I did take pictures of the crib and dresser (and I did cry as they carried them upstairs) and I'll post them as soon as I upload everything.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
I shouldn't be sad today
I shouldn't be sad and I shouldn't be sitting here thinking about what could have been. This week would have been the due date for my little November angel. I only knew I was pregnant for 5 short days but, at the time, they were the 5 best days of my life. I don't think I ever really gave myself time to grieve the loss. I jumped right into my first IUI days later, pumping myself full of hormones. Hormones always do wonders for mental states, right??
So now I sit here, just feeling sad. I've tried to think of a better word for it, something more descriptive, but sad really covers it. And I feel horribly guilty and wrong for that sadness. As I am typing this, I can feel little Q moving inside of me. I am so lucky and blessed. And I know that there are many women out there who pass a missed due date and aren't as lucky. Right now my heart breaks for them. So while I do feel bad about being sad, I can't help but think about what could have been.
As I think about it more, I think my general sadness is really more due to this bringing back all of the IF crap. This baby would have been a do-it-yourselfer. Conceived in our own home, own bed, with just the two of us there. As cliched a story as it would be, getting pregnant on the cycle before starting treatments, who really doesn't wish that happened to them? Instead I got a big, bloody reminder that we couldn't do this ourselves. Instead I went headfirst right back into day 3 ultrasounds, shots, watching the sunrise waiting for a morning wanding. Random doctors either cracking lame jokes between my legs or filling the room (and my uterus) with their god-like complex. As people around me joke about what we must have been doing last Christmas, me thanking Mr H for the diamond earrings, he got a flat screen so I got a baby, and other lame jokes like that, I think to myself...you have no fucking clue. Christmas I was 2 days past my iui and spent most of the day in tears. I think that is what I'm mourning more than anything else. The fact that the baby we made by ourselves couldn't make it.
But I know I shouldn't be sad...
So now I sit here, just feeling sad. I've tried to think of a better word for it, something more descriptive, but sad really covers it. And I feel horribly guilty and wrong for that sadness. As I am typing this, I can feel little Q moving inside of me. I am so lucky and blessed. And I know that there are many women out there who pass a missed due date and aren't as lucky. Right now my heart breaks for them. So while I do feel bad about being sad, I can't help but think about what could have been.
As I think about it more, I think my general sadness is really more due to this bringing back all of the IF crap. This baby would have been a do-it-yourselfer. Conceived in our own home, own bed, with just the two of us there. As cliched a story as it would be, getting pregnant on the cycle before starting treatments, who really doesn't wish that happened to them? Instead I got a big, bloody reminder that we couldn't do this ourselves. Instead I went headfirst right back into day 3 ultrasounds, shots, watching the sunrise waiting for a morning wanding. Random doctors either cracking lame jokes between my legs or filling the room (and my uterus) with their god-like complex. As people around me joke about what we must have been doing last Christmas, me thanking Mr H for the diamond earrings, he got a flat screen so I got a baby, and other lame jokes like that, I think to myself...you have no fucking clue. Christmas I was 2 days past my iui and spent most of the day in tears. I think that is what I'm mourning more than anything else. The fact that the baby we made by ourselves couldn't make it.
But I know I shouldn't be sad...
Monday, May 19, 2008
full circle
Saturday night I came full circle, I was right back being the infertile girl crying in the bathroom of a restaurant, except I was the pregnant infertile...if that makes any sense.
The night started out innocently enough, we were at an engagement party right on the water in G.eorgetown. I'm happily drinking my seltzer and cranberry juice talking to some people I hadn't seen in forever when another couple shows up. She sees my belly, does the whole 'how far along are you' thing and says she's pregnant too, but she barely has a heartbeat yet and can't wait for her dr's appointment in 2 weeks. The girl is 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. Now let's start with the fact that this is someone I already am not a huge fan of. She then goes on and on to talk about her pregnancy (all 2 weeks she's known about it), but then mentions that she had been trying for a year and a half and it gets not too fun. For a second I think I've found a fellow stirrup queen and I agree with her. She then goes on to talk about all the stress people put on themselves when they don't get pregnant right away and how that just makes it worse. That all of this infertility business is just women wanting immediate gratification (ha....you can tell she never waited for test results, nothing immediate about all that) and everyone just needs to relax. Now I know I should have used this as an opportunity to do a little bit of education, but I just couldn't. Instead I (rather bitchily) mumbled under my breath, "your baby could be dead already and you don't even know it" (**ok, not proud of that comment at all, I don't think anyone heard me. I really don't wish a miscarriage on anyone) and excused myself. Seconds later I found myself in the bathroom just sobbing, just like I used to when I'd show up at a party and discover someone was pregnant. I guess she brought up all those old emotions, I've had people say those same things to me before and they always generate the same reaction: anger and tears. I guess now is no different. Part of me just wishes I could have been that naive.
Other than that little episode, I had a great weekend. No pics taken, I was running really late getting ready but with my bro's wedding this weekend, I'm sure there will be plenty!
Sunday I bit the bullet and started a registry. Talk about overwhelming. Halfway through the store I didn't think I was going to make it so we stopped and just did what we had to do...the crib. They say allow 8-12 weeks for delivery but I've heard it taking as long as 16, and we've only got 17 to go (again, hoping I'm not tempting fate with all this). But we actually made our decision fairly easily. If I can find some pics on line I'll post them. I just want to check around online for the best price and should have it ordered by Wednesday. Sucks that we need to go back, since the store was a complete zoo, but there was no way I could have finished. We were both so overwhelmed by everything. And I thought I was well prepared having read the books, flagged the pages of things I was interested in, etc.
Now back to work, luckily a short week since I'll be leaving early on Thursday and am taking Friday off for the wedding. I'm going to be such an emotional basketcase. I'm just so glad my brother picked someone I like, she's already my sister, just now we're making it official (ha, makes it sound like I'm marrying her ;)
If you've got a sec, go send some love to Leah. She's probably having little Spidey as we speak!
The night started out innocently enough, we were at an engagement party right on the water in G.eorgetown. I'm happily drinking my seltzer and cranberry juice talking to some people I hadn't seen in forever when another couple shows up. She sees my belly, does the whole 'how far along are you' thing and says she's pregnant too, but she barely has a heartbeat yet and can't wait for her dr's appointment in 2 weeks. The girl is 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. Now let's start with the fact that this is someone I already am not a huge fan of. She then goes on and on to talk about her pregnancy (all 2 weeks she's known about it), but then mentions that she had been trying for a year and a half and it gets not too fun. For a second I think I've found a fellow stirrup queen and I agree with her. She then goes on to talk about all the stress people put on themselves when they don't get pregnant right away and how that just makes it worse. That all of this infertility business is just women wanting immediate gratification (ha....you can tell she never waited for test results, nothing immediate about all that) and everyone just needs to relax. Now I know I should have used this as an opportunity to do a little bit of education, but I just couldn't. Instead I (rather bitchily) mumbled under my breath, "your baby could be dead already and you don't even know it" (**ok, not proud of that comment at all, I don't think anyone heard me. I really don't wish a miscarriage on anyone) and excused myself. Seconds later I found myself in the bathroom just sobbing, just like I used to when I'd show up at a party and discover someone was pregnant. I guess she brought up all those old emotions, I've had people say those same things to me before and they always generate the same reaction: anger and tears. I guess now is no different. Part of me just wishes I could have been that naive.
Other than that little episode, I had a great weekend. No pics taken, I was running really late getting ready but with my bro's wedding this weekend, I'm sure there will be plenty!
Sunday I bit the bullet and started a registry. Talk about overwhelming. Halfway through the store I didn't think I was going to make it so we stopped and just did what we had to do...the crib. They say allow 8-12 weeks for delivery but I've heard it taking as long as 16, and we've only got 17 to go (again, hoping I'm not tempting fate with all this). But we actually made our decision fairly easily. If I can find some pics on line I'll post them. I just want to check around online for the best price and should have it ordered by Wednesday. Sucks that we need to go back, since the store was a complete zoo, but there was no way I could have finished. We were both so overwhelmed by everything. And I thought I was well prepared having read the books, flagged the pages of things I was interested in, etc.
Now back to work, luckily a short week since I'll be leaving early on Thursday and am taking Friday off for the wedding. I'm going to be such an emotional basketcase. I'm just so glad my brother picked someone I like, she's already my sister, just now we're making it official (ha, makes it sound like I'm marrying her ;)
If you've got a sec, go send some love to Leah. She's probably having little Spidey as we speak!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Officially nope
Turns out I'm not the 0.001% that has a false negative on a pee stick! But they did say I could continue on the Pr.ometrium for a day so I'll be able to go away. I completely agree with those of you who said that IF has taken so much away from us. I can not let it take this too. My aunt has been like a second mother to me. At times growing up I was closer to her than to my own mom. There is NO way I could not be there to celebrate her 60th birthday with her.
Now while I did say I was Ok..well...that's a lie. So please indulge me in my few minutes of wallowing, whining, and tears. And recognize that there have been several glasses of wine involved tonight. Here is why I needed this cycle to work. In June 2006 at my annual exam, my gyno looked over my charts and told me to give it 6 more months. She said if I wasn't pregnant at Thanksgiving, to call and make an appointment. Every single day in December I put off making that phone call. As much as I knew there was a problem...and I wanted to fix it....I just couldn't say it out loud, or admit it. Finally, right before Christmas, AF showed up again. The very next day, I got up the strength to call and make my appointment. The only way I did was by telling myself over and over again that Christmas 06 was going to be the last Christmas I spent child-less. I promised myself that I would at least be pregnant by Christmas 07. And I'm not. And I am not ok with that.
Ok, I've cried my tears and will move on, I just had to get that out. It sucks to break a promise, especially one you made to yourself. And on a lighter note, looking at a calendar, IUI #2 just might fall on Christmas Eve...meaning there's still a chance I could be pregnant for Christmas 07...I just wouldn't know it at the time ;)
thanks for all the hugs...I love them!!
Now while I did say I was Ok..well...that's a lie. So please indulge me in my few minutes of wallowing, whining, and tears. And recognize that there have been several glasses of wine involved tonight. Here is why I needed this cycle to work. In June 2006 at my annual exam, my gyno looked over my charts and told me to give it 6 more months. She said if I wasn't pregnant at Thanksgiving, to call and make an appointment. Every single day in December I put off making that phone call. As much as I knew there was a problem...and I wanted to fix it....I just couldn't say it out loud, or admit it. Finally, right before Christmas, AF showed up again. The very next day, I got up the strength to call and make my appointment. The only way I did was by telling myself over and over again that Christmas 06 was going to be the last Christmas I spent child-less. I promised myself that I would at least be pregnant by Christmas 07. And I'm not. And I am not ok with that.
Ok, I've cried my tears and will move on, I just had to get that out. It sucks to break a promise, especially one you made to yourself. And on a lighter note, looking at a calendar, IUI #2 just might fall on Christmas Eve...meaning there's still a chance I could be pregnant for Christmas 07...I just wouldn't know it at the time ;)
thanks for all the hugs...I love them!!
Monday, November 26, 2007
Jekyl and Hyde
That's me today...and that's pretty much how this post reads. I'm bulleting so I can get everything out easiest.
- I LOVE LOVE LOVE my RE. Seriously. And I know I shouldn't announce my love for him this much since he does get all up in my business and there's a possibility he impregnated me (as an aside, I so want to get this shirt if I get pregnant). On Sunday he called to see if I had any questions following the IUI. Monday morning I emailed him a few of my questions. He called back a few hours later and then after leaving me a voicemail, replied to all of my questions via email. I am going to start expecting this responsiveness from all my doctors! True, I pay him a bit more than a regular ol doc, but I'm still impressed.
- My questions were all about our next cycle (for my mental health, I need to keep moving forward and thinking of plan b). I thought we had a pretty sucky response to the cl.omid and folli.stim. He didn't think just one follicle was a bad thing. I want to be slightly more aggressive and he is thinking Cl.omid again, but this time with Fo.llistom on CD 5 and 7, instead of 9. Not sure what I'm thinking. I need to ask him a few more questions. My biggest concerns are that we only have 6 IUI's covered lifetime. And pie in the sky thinking, I'd like to have 2 kids. Which brings me to my next point...(and brings out the Hyde)
- Why on earth do people seem to think I should only have 1 child? Just because I'm infertile am I not entitled to that american dream of 2.4 kids and the picket fence? Don't get me wrong, I will be beyond thrilled if I have a child but am I supposed to completely give up my dream of a large family? When I've mentioned this lifetime benefit and our plan for 2 children, two different people have expressed shock that we would want more than one child.
- Not sure how I'm going to handle the whole dr thing. I want to walk that fine line between successfully advocating for myself and respecting his knowledge and opinions. It's a pet peeve of mine when my clients or parents of students don't walk that line with me and I do not want to be the name in his inbox that causes him to cringe (since I have more than a few of those)
- my freaking boobs! They HURT! Not quite as much as last month's chemical but still more than any other cycle. I know, I know, it's the meds. At this point, if it's not a pregnancy symptom, I don't want to deal with it. I don't need another part of my body with bruises on it.
Ok, ranting over. Any assvice on the meds or anything else is welcome. And thanks for putting up with me
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
ready
Made myself new playlist in case I get nervous waiting tomorrow morning. HA! In case!!! Let's play fix the sentence (since you all know that I'm a grammar geek I can tell you that was one of my favorite games in school). So here's the edited version: Made myself a new playlist for when I get nervous waiting tomorrow morning.
Mr H has decided he wants to do his part at home. Of course he decided this too darn late to get a collection cup. So he has decided to get up earlier than he has to, drive there, get the cup, drive home, do his business, then drive back there. Can you tell this is a man who usually takes public transportation? I don't think he has any idea what traffic will be like but it's not me that's driving. As long as he gets that sample to them at 9 I'm not letting myself stress about it. (again HA!)
Thanks for all the good wishes. Keep those good thoughts coming tomorrow around 10:30!! Oh, and for Lea Bea who asked, I did 50 mg C.lomid CD 3-7, and 75 iu F.ollistim CD 9 and 11 with an O.vidrel trigger CD 13. I'm a little upset about not advocating for a more aggressive plan back in August but not only did I trust my doctor and was nervous about the side effects, but I also wanted to respond to a low dose and not need the heavy hitters (especially not that 2nd shot of F.ollistim....that shit burns). But as much as I don't want to, I'm glad we'll bring out some bigger guns next time around.
Mr H has decided he wants to do his part at home. Of course he decided this too darn late to get a collection cup. So he has decided to get up earlier than he has to, drive there, get the cup, drive home, do his business, then drive back there. Can you tell this is a man who usually takes public transportation? I don't think he has any idea what traffic will be like but it's not me that's driving. As long as he gets that sample to them at 9 I'm not letting myself stress about it. (again HA!)
Thanks for all the good wishes. Keep those good thoughts coming tomorrow around 10:30!! Oh, and for Lea Bea who asked, I did 50 mg C.lomid CD 3-7, and 75 iu F.ollistim CD 9 and 11 with an O.vidrel trigger CD 13. I'm a little upset about not advocating for a more aggressive plan back in August but not only did I trust my doctor and was nervous about the side effects, but I also wanted to respond to a low dose and not need the heavy hitters (especially not that 2nd shot of F.ollistim....that shit burns). But as much as I don't want to, I'm glad we'll bring out some bigger guns next time around.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
How did we get here?
That's what I spent last night thinking about. How on earth did we get here. I actually started this post the night of my first C.lomid. I know it's pretty low tech compared with so many of the other treatments out there. Kind of like being in awe of an electric screwdriver when everyone around you is building houses....or something lame like that. But seriously, I do not completely understand how I got to this point.
And tonight's my first injection. So naturally I picked about 3 fights with Mr H last night. Only one of which I had a legitimate reason for being mad at him. Anytime I mention being nervous about the injections, he makes some stupid comment about imagine I'm a diabetic, then I'd be doing it every day. Well I'm not! And it's not insulin I'm injecting, to keep myself alive, it's massive amounts of hormones, in the hopes of creating the possibility of getting pregnant. Very different situations. And then last night I was watching the video from the RE and I'm flinching every time the model injects herself (which btw, who signs up for that acting gig??). Turn around, Mr H says no big deal and pretends to do it to himself a few times. Easy for it to be no big deal for him, it's all pretend to him.
So that was our real fight and then I picked stupid fights with him for the rest of the night. Between my catastrophizing all night long and those stupid night sweats/hot flashes I got no sleep. I'm sitting here in bed exhausted, trying to get up the energy to get in the shower and go to work late and all I can keep thinking is...how did I get here?? And I don't have an answer.
And tonight's my first injection. So naturally I picked about 3 fights with Mr H last night. Only one of which I had a legitimate reason for being mad at him. Anytime I mention being nervous about the injections, he makes some stupid comment about imagine I'm a diabetic, then I'd be doing it every day. Well I'm not! And it's not insulin I'm injecting, to keep myself alive, it's massive amounts of hormones, in the hopes of creating the possibility of getting pregnant. Very different situations. And then last night I was watching the video from the RE and I'm flinching every time the model injects herself (which btw, who signs up for that acting gig??). Turn around, Mr H says no big deal and pretends to do it to himself a few times. Easy for it to be no big deal for him, it's all pretend to him.
So that was our real fight and then I picked stupid fights with him for the rest of the night. Between my catastrophizing all night long and those stupid night sweats/hot flashes I got no sleep. I'm sitting here in bed exhausted, trying to get up the energy to get in the shower and go to work late and all I can keep thinking is...how did I get here?? And I don't have an answer.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Got to admit it's getting better
a little better all the time
(can't get much worse)
Anywho, thanks for all of your support in coming out about our IF. Don't give me too much credit, it was to a very select group of people. And so far so good. Only one off the wall but well meaning response...but she's kind of crazy anyway. One very weird story that started out with someone writing "my childhood neighbor's cousin". As if that isn't a red flag right there. Apparently this girl was told by an RE that she would never get pregnant without fertility meds but then got pregnant accidentally while on the pill while on vacation! Yes, you speed readers read that correctly....while on the pill. Now I don't know about you, but I'm NEVER using any type of birth control ever again. Why....because I'm freakin infertile!!! After that I stopped reading that particular story. I mean maybe they wanted her to have regular periods or something but the while thing seemed a little fishy to me. Obviously she was a little confused. My aunt did ask if she could tell my 14 year old cousin. Seems to me like she's opening a whole can of worms talking to a 14 year old boy about fertility treatments but hey, not my kid. Still not sure how I feel about that one. I'll have to think about it.
oh...and here's why it's getting better. I came home from work today and Mr H had booked us a weekend at a B&B. There are a bunch of wineries around it and some hiking. He had printed out all of this info on it and made reservations at a yummy looking restaurant. I am so excited for a weekend away. And we have to rush back Sunday for the Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce concert that night! (that would be Bru.ce Springsteen) It's going to such a great weekend! Too bad I can't take tomorrow off but I'll make it through. Hopefully all these good things will minimize the C.lomid side effects. Are all of you veterans laughing your asses off at that one???
(can't get much worse)
Anywho, thanks for all of your support in coming out about our IF. Don't give me too much credit, it was to a very select group of people. And so far so good. Only one off the wall but well meaning response...but she's kind of crazy anyway. One very weird story that started out with someone writing "my childhood neighbor's cousin". As if that isn't a red flag right there. Apparently this girl was told by an RE that she would never get pregnant without fertility meds but then got pregnant accidentally while on the pill while on vacation! Yes, you speed readers read that correctly....while on the pill. Now I don't know about you, but I'm NEVER using any type of birth control ever again. Why....because I'm freakin infertile!!! After that I stopped reading that particular story. I mean maybe they wanted her to have regular periods or something but the while thing seemed a little fishy to me. Obviously she was a little confused. My aunt did ask if she could tell my 14 year old cousin. Seems to me like she's opening a whole can of worms talking to a 14 year old boy about fertility treatments but hey, not my kid. Still not sure how I feel about that one. I'll have to think about it.
oh...and here's why it's getting better. I came home from work today and Mr H had booked us a weekend at a B&B. There are a bunch of wineries around it and some hiking. He had printed out all of this info on it and made reservations at a yummy looking restaurant. I am so excited for a weekend away. And we have to rush back Sunday for the Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce concert that night! (that would be Bru.ce Springsteen) It's going to such a great weekend! Too bad I can't take tomorrow off but I'll make it through. Hopefully all these good things will minimize the C.lomid side effects. Are all of you veterans laughing your asses off at that one???
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Cleaning out my closet
So, in the spirit of Infertility Awareness week, we decided to come out of the closet. We just sent out an email containing our big (un) announcement and invited 21 of our close friends and family (our inner circle I guess) to view another blog we set up. That blog has a little bit of our history, a lot of infertility awareness, and we'll use it to keep people as up to date as we want on our current treatments. Mr H and I had talked about it a lot and we know that we are missing out on an extensive support network. Plus, I have all of you amazing ladies as a sounding board, to dump on, and to pick me up when I can't quite do it myself. Mr H has nobody, just me, and I haven't been too good about picking anyone up lately. So we're out...
And as soon as I hit send I burst into tears for about 15 minutes. Not sure WTF I was thinking....but it's done....that's the beauty of the internet, there's no taking it back at this point. I'm ok, I know I will be ok with it but I'm just a little bit scared about putting myself out there. Seems like there are so many more opportunities to get hurt....and it doesn't take much. I'm pretty freakin fragile (I must be Italian, huh??).
So we'll see how it goes. Worst case scenario I take down the blog and pretend I never sent that email. My family's Irish Catholic....we can easily forget or repress anything ;)
And as soon as I hit send I burst into tears for about 15 minutes. Not sure WTF I was thinking....but it's done....that's the beauty of the internet, there's no taking it back at this point. I'm ok, I know I will be ok with it but I'm just a little bit scared about putting myself out there. Seems like there are so many more opportunities to get hurt....and it doesn't take much. I'm pretty freakin fragile (I must be Italian, huh??).
So we'll see how it goes. Worst case scenario I take down the blog and pretend I never sent that email. My family's Irish Catholic....we can easily forget or repress anything ;)
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Going out of my mind
I might seriously lose it.
Beta was under 5, which I completely expected and, at this point, am OK with. I did the crying, raging, mad at the world thing yesterday and I am ready to move on.
I called back my nurse to see when I should expect AF and if anything would change with our IUI plans. She said I can expect it in 3-4 WEEKS. Yes, I said weeks. First off, I never have a 3-4 week cycle. If she even looked at my file, she'd see that I'm pretty consistently 33-35 days. I had mentioned that I had some spotting last week and she is saying that counted as AF. I tried to explain that all I had was some really light brown spotting and that in no way for me counts as AF. And she still stuck with her 3-4 week line. I know I may not have any medical degrees but wouldn't any lining that had built up need to come back out? And I asked her that (although I phrased it a little bit nicer). And she again said that my spotting counts.
Then I got tricky (he he he). I asked if that was the case, can the light spotting I had today make this CD1 so I can go in for bloodwork and us on Thursday and get this cycle going. She needs to go ask the dr about that.
I better freaking be able to start this IUI. It has been in the works since August. Yup, August!! Now we decided to skip September for family reasons and I am really starting to regret that. I guess I thought I was ok with and over the whole chemical pregnancy thing but apparently I wasn't. Because all I want to do is climb under something and have a sob fest. But I can't because I'm giving a workshop later on where I get to tell parents how to manage their child's difficult behaviors and I just know someone is going to ask me if I'm a parent. arg
And just to get out the very worst part of all this....I can't forget how Mr H looked at me those 2 days we thought I was pregnant. It was a look I've never seen before, it had so much love in it, and amazement at what we had done. And now that's gone. And I don't know if he'll ever look at me like that again. And it just makes me want to cry.
Beta was under 5, which I completely expected and, at this point, am OK with. I did the crying, raging, mad at the world thing yesterday and I am ready to move on.
I called back my nurse to see when I should expect AF and if anything would change with our IUI plans. She said I can expect it in 3-4 WEEKS. Yes, I said weeks. First off, I never have a 3-4 week cycle. If she even looked at my file, she'd see that I'm pretty consistently 33-35 days. I had mentioned that I had some spotting last week and she is saying that counted as AF. I tried to explain that all I had was some really light brown spotting and that in no way for me counts as AF. And she still stuck with her 3-4 week line. I know I may not have any medical degrees but wouldn't any lining that had built up need to come back out? And I asked her that (although I phrased it a little bit nicer). And she again said that my spotting counts.
Then I got tricky (he he he). I asked if that was the case, can the light spotting I had today make this CD1 so I can go in for bloodwork and us on Thursday and get this cycle going. She needs to go ask the dr about that.
I better freaking be able to start this IUI. It has been in the works since August. Yup, August!! Now we decided to skip September for family reasons and I am really starting to regret that. I guess I thought I was ok with and over the whole chemical pregnancy thing but apparently I wasn't. Because all I want to do is climb under something and have a sob fest. But I can't because I'm giving a workshop later on where I get to tell parents how to manage their child's difficult behaviors and I just know someone is going to ask me if I'm a parent. arg
And just to get out the very worst part of all this....I can't forget how Mr H looked at me those 2 days we thought I was pregnant. It was a look I've never seen before, it had so much love in it, and amazement at what we had done. And now that's gone. And I don't know if he'll ever look at me like that again. And it just makes me want to cry.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Talk me down
I'm standing up on Evaporation Line Ledge and I'm ready to jump. F that, I've already jumped.
I got up at 5 this morning having to pee. Not wanting to waste that FMU I naturally POAS. It's what I do. As I did it I told myself I was being ridiculous and I needed to get over this bullshit and get my ass back to bed. So that's what I did.
Fast forward to 7:30 when I woke up for real. What's staring up at me? A fucking second line! That has NEVER happened ever. Any time I check later in the day I've never had an evap line (is it lame that I usually keep checking for the next 2-3 hrs? Oh well). I had just gone to the bathroom so I had nothing left to take another test. And now I'm at work and have a private client later on tonight. I won't be home to test again until after 8. At that point I may as well wait until tomorrow morning when it's more likely to be accurate. Now I know in my brain that this is most likely an evap line but I can't help but wonder. Mr H was no help, he's always a super realist. And not being the pee stick connoisseur that I am, he thought is was negative because it wasn't as dark as the control (btw, it was dark enough for me to see without my glasses...and I'm legally freaking blind) Evap lines aren't that dark, are they?
My nurse doesn't work on Thursday's and I don't want to call and set up an appointment for nothing. Although on the flip side, if it is nothing, that still doesn't explain why I O'd 2 weeks ago and have nothing but some brown spotting to show for it.
So please, I know I've already gone over the ledge and will be devastated tomorrow morning if I get a negative, but please, any stories of hope? Of this not being an evap line? I took a picture this morning but I was a little embarrassed that I used my wine glass (rinsed of course) from last night since I didn't have any more paper cups. I didn't realize it and by then didn't have time to take another pic. And I thought if this does all work, having the wine glass in the picture could make me a bad mom to be. AHhhhh.....why did I say that??? See I've gone over that ledge. I don't know how I'm going to make it through today.
If you read all this and still have any shed of respect left for me....thanks
I got up at 5 this morning having to pee. Not wanting to waste that FMU I naturally POAS. It's what I do. As I did it I told myself I was being ridiculous and I needed to get over this bullshit and get my ass back to bed. So that's what I did.
Fast forward to 7:30 when I woke up for real. What's staring up at me? A fucking second line! That has NEVER happened ever. Any time I check later in the day I've never had an evap line (is it lame that I usually keep checking for the next 2-3 hrs? Oh well). I had just gone to the bathroom so I had nothing left to take another test. And now I'm at work and have a private client later on tonight. I won't be home to test again until after 8. At that point I may as well wait until tomorrow morning when it's more likely to be accurate. Now I know in my brain that this is most likely an evap line but I can't help but wonder. Mr H was no help, he's always a super realist. And not being the pee stick connoisseur that I am, he thought is was negative because it wasn't as dark as the control (btw, it was dark enough for me to see without my glasses...and I'm legally freaking blind) Evap lines aren't that dark, are they?
My nurse doesn't work on Thursday's and I don't want to call and set up an appointment for nothing. Although on the flip side, if it is nothing, that still doesn't explain why I O'd 2 weeks ago and have nothing but some brown spotting to show for it.
So please, I know I've already gone over the ledge and will be devastated tomorrow morning if I get a negative, but please, any stories of hope? Of this not being an evap line? I took a picture this morning but I was a little embarrassed that I used my wine glass (rinsed of course) from last night since I didn't have any more paper cups. I didn't realize it and by then didn't have time to take another pic. And I thought if this does all work, having the wine glass in the picture could make me a bad mom to be. AHhhhh.....why did I say that??? See I've gone over that ledge. I don't know how I'm going to make it through today.
If you read all this and still have any shed of respect left for me....thanks
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Some people will never get it
Let me start by saying that so far I've had no complaints about anyone at my clinic. I know alot of people who say they've felt like a number there but my nurse has been great and my dr emails me back within hours of my asking him a question. My nurse doesn't work on Thursdays so I had a different one. And just to recap, I'm on CD 47, no spotting or anything and I'm ready to start this IUI. So I had a blood test this morning to make sure I could take P.rovera
This is the message the nurse left on my voicemail today. I was floored by it...but maybe I'm super sensitive.
" Good news and bad news Meghan. Bad news is you can't take the P.rovera..."
Now what would you be thinking?? I'm thinking "Holy crap, we actually did it! How should I tell Mr H?...Oh my f-ing God, we actually did it! Holy shit!!!"
Next words out of the nurses mouth...
Now isn't that just cruel?? And may I also mention that this nurse is pregnant? So now I'm back to sitting and waiting. I suck at sitting and waiting.
This is the message the nurse left on my voicemail today. I was floored by it...but maybe I'm super sensitive.
" Good news and bad news Meghan. Bad news is you can't take the P.rovera..."
Now what would you be thinking?? I'm thinking "Holy crap, we actually did it! How should I tell Mr H?...Oh my f-ing God, we actually did it! Holy shit!!!"
Next words out of the nurses mouth...
" Good news now! Seems like you ovulated, you should expect your period within the next 2 weeks, since your progesterone is really low"
Now isn't that just cruel?? And may I also mention that this nurse is pregnant? So now I'm back to sitting and waiting. I suck at sitting and waiting.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
so not a morning person
I got up nice and early this morning so I'd be ready to head out as soon as the contractor came so I could go to the clinic to get that blood test and prescription and still make it to work on time. I couldn't be late today. Of course he was 45 minutes late getting to the house. All dressed up and nowhere to go.
So I rescheduled for tomorrow and it's Mr H's morning to wait for the contractor. At this point I know one more day doesn't matter, I was just excited to finally be moving forward. I know I am still moving in the right direction, I'm just taking smaller steps than I would have liked. I'm a fast walker with long legs...I'm used to leaps and bounds and people not being able to keep up with me. These slow baby steps take some getting used to.
So I rescheduled for tomorrow and it's Mr H's morning to wait for the contractor. At this point I know one more day doesn't matter, I was just excited to finally be moving forward. I know I am still moving in the right direction, I'm just taking smaller steps than I would have liked. I'm a fast walker with long legs...I'm used to leaps and bounds and people not being able to keep up with me. These slow baby steps take some getting used to.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
busy busy
Whew, I've got a lot to say. I couldn't get on at all yesterday for some reason so this is going to be a long post....and I've got lots of comments to leave!
I had a bit of a meltdown over the weekend. Saturday was fine, we worked on the kitchen all day. Purging our pantry was eye opening. Nothing like throwing out unopened cans and packets that expired in 03 to make you re-think your grocery shopping and waste. Even more eye opening is that we moved here in Nov 04, which means we moved already expired stuff...a little embarrassing.
Sunday. I was SO excited for Sunday. We were going to take the Jeep out and go apple picking with my brother and his fiancee. Then over to my parents for an apple themed dinner. It was a beautiful weekend and I couldn't wait to get outside. Then Mr H's brother called to tell us that we've got a new niece! Now I've known my sister-in-law was pregnant for months now. In fact, I figured it out long before she told people. I thought I was fine with it. I could not have been more wrong. I literally broke as soon as Mr H went out to run an errand. I had one of those crying in the shower moments (which I do all the time). But this time I stayed in there sobbing long past the hot water left the water heater. Nothing says unstable like standing in an ice cold shower crying. Then, since I was cold, I got in my bathrobe, got under the covers, and stayed there for the next 5 hours or so. That is when I realized I needed to get a grip. I'm looking into our insurance to see what our coverage is for a therapist. And a big thanks to the DC ladies for all of the recs.
I pretty much figured the bulk of it out. When I first found out my SIL was pregnant last March, I had just had my initial testing with my gyno and I was confident that I'd be pregnant soon. And I'd be very pregnant by the time the baby was born. The cousins would be close in age and all would be well. As time went on, I decided that at the very least I'd be pregnant by October. And then as more time went on, I decided that at least I'd have started treatment and my IUI by the time the baby was born.
But of course none of this would work out. I put so much pressure on my last natural cycle and that of course I would have an annovulatory cycle. It's CD 45 and nothing. I thought I managed to O but it seems not. I hate that it was my last chance and I didn't work. Not that it didn't work...but that I didn't work. Feels like I have a cyst and I just know that I'm going to have to sit out October too. I know that we can't plan any of this but I really had it in my head that I'd be getting inseminated right about now.
So that was my weekend. Monday sucked too. Today is looking better. I called my nurse and emailed my doctor and they're going to give me Pr.overa to jump-start my period. Just need to go in for a beta tomorrow (HA--almost a dozen pee sticks can't be wrong). I haven't taken Pr.overa yet...any word on what to expect??
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. In other news, our kitchen is coming together. Floors and cabinets are in and it looks like they'll be finished on Thursday which means he'll do the breakfast bar on Friday!!! I will most definitely be posting some pics for everyone, I'm so excited about it. Oh, and we've decided to come out to a select group of people, our inner circle if you will. And I'm setting up a different blog with updates for everyone so I don't have to deal with talking to people when I don't want to.
Off to catch up and comment...
I had a bit of a meltdown over the weekend. Saturday was fine, we worked on the kitchen all day. Purging our pantry was eye opening. Nothing like throwing out unopened cans and packets that expired in 03 to make you re-think your grocery shopping and waste. Even more eye opening is that we moved here in Nov 04, which means we moved already expired stuff...a little embarrassing.
Sunday. I was SO excited for Sunday. We were going to take the Jeep out and go apple picking with my brother and his fiancee. Then over to my parents for an apple themed dinner. It was a beautiful weekend and I couldn't wait to get outside. Then Mr H's brother called to tell us that we've got a new niece! Now I've known my sister-in-law was pregnant for months now. In fact, I figured it out long before she told people. I thought I was fine with it. I could not have been more wrong. I literally broke as soon as Mr H went out to run an errand. I had one of those crying in the shower moments (which I do all the time). But this time I stayed in there sobbing long past the hot water left the water heater. Nothing says unstable like standing in an ice cold shower crying. Then, since I was cold, I got in my bathrobe, got under the covers, and stayed there for the next 5 hours or so. That is when I realized I needed to get a grip. I'm looking into our insurance to see what our coverage is for a therapist. And a big thanks to the DC ladies for all of the recs.
I pretty much figured the bulk of it out. When I first found out my SIL was pregnant last March, I had just had my initial testing with my gyno and I was confident that I'd be pregnant soon. And I'd be very pregnant by the time the baby was born. The cousins would be close in age and all would be well. As time went on, I decided that at the very least I'd be pregnant by October. And then as more time went on, I decided that at least I'd have started treatment and my IUI by the time the baby was born.
But of course none of this would work out. I put so much pressure on my last natural cycle and that of course I would have an annovulatory cycle. It's CD 45 and nothing. I thought I managed to O but it seems not. I hate that it was my last chance and I didn't work. Not that it didn't work...but that I didn't work. Feels like I have a cyst and I just know that I'm going to have to sit out October too. I know that we can't plan any of this but I really had it in my head that I'd be getting inseminated right about now.
So that was my weekend. Monday sucked too. Today is looking better. I called my nurse and emailed my doctor and they're going to give me Pr.overa to jump-start my period. Just need to go in for a beta tomorrow (HA--almost a dozen pee sticks can't be wrong). I haven't taken Pr.overa yet...any word on what to expect??
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. In other news, our kitchen is coming together. Floors and cabinets are in and it looks like they'll be finished on Thursday which means he'll do the breakfast bar on Friday!!! I will most definitely be posting some pics for everyone, I'm so excited about it. Oh, and we've decided to come out to a select group of people, our inner circle if you will. And I'm setting up a different blog with updates for everyone so I don't have to deal with talking to people when I don't want to.
Off to catch up and comment...
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I am the decider!
I am usually the worst at making any decision. It can seriously take me 20 minutes to get dressed in the morning if I don't have everything planned out already. And Mr H is just as bad. Put us together and it's trouble.
We had our hot date at Home Depot last night (married life is exciting, huh) to pick out everything for the kitchen and I was dreading it. We had to get a faucet, pick out tile, grout, cabinet hardware, and paint. The only easy thing was going to be the garbage disposal, since we were going for the cheapest one. I figured we would be there for hours on end. Instead we were spot on with our decisions. We have never worked this fast or this well on anything. Tile took 15 minutes and paint only about 20. And, to top it all off, we both really like everything we picked out.
In a weird way, I credit the IF for this. We are so much better at communicating and prioritizing now than we were a few months ago. And we both recognize that these are not the most important decisions we're going to be making any time soon. Putting it all into perspective really helped. Mr H was stressing about the paint and then we both realized that if we don't like it, it's paint....we'll just re-do it. Paint was not something that should be causing any extra stress in our lives right now.
So hopefully we weren't too relaxed in our decision making. The demo of the old kitchen starts Monday so lots to do this weekend. And we're still hoping that he'll finish up early and have time to do the breakfast bar, there's no guarantee...but I will offer him to pick him up dinner if he's staying ;)
And thanks for the kind words for my cousin. Everything we've gone through with IF has really helped me deal with that. After her email I gave her a call and just said I'm so sorry, this must be so hard for you, please know that I'm here if you need anything. She called me back the next day and said I was the only person that didn't offer her stupid advice (we can all relate to that), a stupid comment about how much better being single will be (hmm...similar to those enjoy sleeping through the night comments) or their own sob story. Pretty sad that most people just don't know how to react to bad news.
Guess if you look hard enough you can find a silver lining in just about anything.
We had our hot date at Home Depot last night (married life is exciting, huh) to pick out everything for the kitchen and I was dreading it. We had to get a faucet, pick out tile, grout, cabinet hardware, and paint. The only easy thing was going to be the garbage disposal, since we were going for the cheapest one. I figured we would be there for hours on end. Instead we were spot on with our decisions. We have never worked this fast or this well on anything. Tile took 15 minutes and paint only about 20. And, to top it all off, we both really like everything we picked out.
In a weird way, I credit the IF for this. We are so much better at communicating and prioritizing now than we were a few months ago. And we both recognize that these are not the most important decisions we're going to be making any time soon. Putting it all into perspective really helped. Mr H was stressing about the paint and then we both realized that if we don't like it, it's paint....we'll just re-do it. Paint was not something that should be causing any extra stress in our lives right now.
So hopefully we weren't too relaxed in our decision making. The demo of the old kitchen starts Monday so lots to do this weekend. And we're still hoping that he'll finish up early and have time to do the breakfast bar, there's no guarantee...but I will offer him to pick him up dinner if he's staying ;)
And thanks for the kind words for my cousin. Everything we've gone through with IF has really helped me deal with that. After her email I gave her a call and just said I'm so sorry, this must be so hard for you, please know that I'm here if you need anything. She called me back the next day and said I was the only person that didn't offer her stupid advice (we can all relate to that), a stupid comment about how much better being single will be (hmm...similar to those enjoy sleeping through the night comments) or their own sob story. Pretty sad that most people just don't know how to react to bad news.
Guess if you look hard enough you can find a silver lining in just about anything.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
strength
I wish there was someplace you could buy some strength. I've really needed it the last 2 days.
On the 2ww front, still no spotting at all, just mild cramps. Nothing like how I usually am. I'm not sure if this is how normal people are but it is driving me batty. I was all set and ready to start meds in a few days and now I'm all hopeful and stupid. Yes stupid. That is what IF does to me. I lose all rational thought and think that I could actually be the 1%. So I've POAS the last 2 mornings and as usual, nothing. So I need to go to the strength store and get a little something to bring back rational thought.
And for the rest of my life, a good friend of ours is getting married and we've been looking forward to their wedding forever. Mr H is the best man so we went to a rehearsal dinner last night and the wife and one of the groomsmen who we knew started trying in April, is 4 months pregnant. I was so not prepared for it. I saw her round the corner with her adorable little tiny bump and thought I was going to lose my shit. It was the first time they've been back to the area so there were hugs and congrats all around. And then the grooms nieces showed up, 15 months old and adorable. I was prepared for them and ok with it since I knew his sister did IVF but the combo of the 2 sent me over the edge. I spent about 20 minutes in the bathroom calming myself down. And then when I re-joined the party got in a fight with Mr H when he told me I looked too sad and to put on my brave face. I said this was as brave as I got and since I wasn't crying I was pretty damn proud of myself. So I also need to go to the strength store for something to get me through the wedding tonight.
Doesn't help that I'm sick and doped up on cold medicine (which in my irrational state I don't want to take because I must be pregnant, right??? That's got to be the only reason for having a normal LP....)
where's that strength again??
On the 2ww front, still no spotting at all, just mild cramps. Nothing like how I usually am. I'm not sure if this is how normal people are but it is driving me batty. I was all set and ready to start meds in a few days and now I'm all hopeful and stupid. Yes stupid. That is what IF does to me. I lose all rational thought and think that I could actually be the 1%. So I've POAS the last 2 mornings and as usual, nothing. So I need to go to the strength store and get a little something to bring back rational thought.
And for the rest of my life, a good friend of ours is getting married and we've been looking forward to their wedding forever. Mr H is the best man so we went to a rehearsal dinner last night and the wife and one of the groomsmen who we knew started trying in April, is 4 months pregnant. I was so not prepared for it. I saw her round the corner with her adorable little tiny bump and thought I was going to lose my shit. It was the first time they've been back to the area so there were hugs and congrats all around. And then the grooms nieces showed up, 15 months old and adorable. I was prepared for them and ok with it since I knew his sister did IVF but the combo of the 2 sent me over the edge. I spent about 20 minutes in the bathroom calming myself down. And then when I re-joined the party got in a fight with Mr H when he told me I looked too sad and to put on my brave face. I said this was as brave as I got and since I wasn't crying I was pretty damn proud of myself. So I also need to go to the strength store for something to get me through the wedding tonight.
Doesn't help that I'm sick and doped up on cold medicine (which in my irrational state I don't want to take because I must be pregnant, right??? That's got to be the only reason for having a normal LP....)
where's that strength again??
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
the unexplained
I've been thinking alot about our unexplained diagnosis and have been sitting on this post for awhile. I was hoping it would become less bitter and angry over time but since it hasn't I guess I just have to roll with my feelings.
Society doesn't really put too much stock into things that are unexplained. UFO's, psychics, seeing Jesus in toast, life on other planets, etc. As adults if we can't see it, touch it, or smell it, we don't seem to believe it's true. Just think of how quickly we ditch Santa Claus as kids because no one can explain how someone flies through the night dropping off presents (and that would be a great one to believe!). We're skeptical, cynical by nature.
I'm guilty of it too. At work, I discuss with the parents of my students the importance of using e.vidence based treatments and not to believe people's claims of overnight fixes and recoveries. I want to see data. When working with my students and in writing their treatment plans, I talk about things I can see and hear. It's more objective, less open to interpretation, and in my opinion, more valid.
So where does that leave me? I'm unexplained...does that make my infertility any less valid? I certainly don't think so. But I can't get it to mesh with the rest of my thinking. And when I tell other people (the few that I have told), they say "oh good, nothing's wrong". Nothing's wrong!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Something is seriously fucking wrong here. My body is broken and no one can seem to tell me why. How on earth can nothing be fucking wrong. We're on 16 months of actively trying and 28 months without using any birth control. B.rittney Spears would be pregnant 3 times over at this point.
I keep searching and searching for an actual answer. I seriously think even Google is tired of me at this point. I am not OK with the unexplained. Mr H tells me I should be and I should be happy that I don't need surgery, etc...that nothing is wrong. I'm not happy and something is wrong! No one would be OK being told they have unexplained cancer, that the doctors don't know what kind or where it is or how to treat it but they'll start you on something that has worked for a bunch of other people. Why should I (or any of us) be OK with that just because the topic is infertility?
And it's not that I want a quick fix...I just want to know that it can be fixed. And in order to know that, I need to know what is wrong, what part is broken. It's killing me that they can't label it and that no one knows.
I've become a research whore at this point, trying to gather as much information as I can. Guess it's all I can do...
Society doesn't really put too much stock into things that are unexplained. UFO's, psychics, seeing Jesus in toast, life on other planets, etc. As adults if we can't see it, touch it, or smell it, we don't seem to believe it's true. Just think of how quickly we ditch Santa Claus as kids because no one can explain how someone flies through the night dropping off presents (and that would be a great one to believe!). We're skeptical, cynical by nature.
I'm guilty of it too. At work, I discuss with the parents of my students the importance of using e.vidence based treatments and not to believe people's claims of overnight fixes and recoveries. I want to see data. When working with my students and in writing their treatment plans, I talk about things I can see and hear. It's more objective, less open to interpretation, and in my opinion, more valid.
So where does that leave me? I'm unexplained...does that make my infertility any less valid? I certainly don't think so. But I can't get it to mesh with the rest of my thinking. And when I tell other people (the few that I have told), they say "oh good, nothing's wrong". Nothing's wrong!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Something is seriously fucking wrong here. My body is broken and no one can seem to tell me why. How on earth can nothing be fucking wrong. We're on 16 months of actively trying and 28 months without using any birth control. B.rittney Spears would be pregnant 3 times over at this point.
I keep searching and searching for an actual answer. I seriously think even Google is tired of me at this point. I am not OK with the unexplained. Mr H tells me I should be and I should be happy that I don't need surgery, etc...that nothing is wrong. I'm not happy and something is wrong! No one would be OK being told they have unexplained cancer, that the doctors don't know what kind or where it is or how to treat it but they'll start you on something that has worked for a bunch of other people. Why should I (or any of us) be OK with that just because the topic is infertility?
And it's not that I want a quick fix...I just want to know that it can be fixed. And in order to know that, I need to know what is wrong, what part is broken. It's killing me that they can't label it and that no one knows.
I've become a research whore at this point, trying to gather as much information as I can. Guess it's all I can do...
Thursday, September 20, 2007
today's horoscope
I love it when I can pull something good out of my horoscope. For all the Geminis out there:
It's as if there is a something attaching your emotions to everything you encounter now and your regular lightheartedness isn't enough to shake it.
I am usually the most upbeat, positive person and I don't like who I've become lately. I'm bitter, I snap quickly, I pick fights with poor Mr H all the time for no reason, I'm moody and it just sucks. There is something attached to everything I do all day long and I can't get rid of it. It's the ultimate chip on the shoulder.
I'm not sure what to do about it. I used to think recognizing it is the first step. But I've recognized it before but it takes work to really shake it. Kinda like those 30 pounds I'm losing. I recognize I've gained it, and last week I was gung-ho about it, but now I've stopped putting in the work. I do the same thing with my attitude and mental health. I get on this "I'm going to be happy" kick but then stop putting in the work after a week or so. Maybe because being happy never used to be work....and I still think it shouldn't be.
All I know is that I don't want to be this way, feeling like crap and spewing my negative vibes all over the place. It's too damn exhausting.
It's as if there is a something attaching your emotions to everything you encounter now and your regular lightheartedness isn't enough to shake it.
I am usually the most upbeat, positive person and I don't like who I've become lately. I'm bitter, I snap quickly, I pick fights with poor Mr H all the time for no reason, I'm moody and it just sucks. There is something attached to everything I do all day long and I can't get rid of it. It's the ultimate chip on the shoulder.
I'm not sure what to do about it. I used to think recognizing it is the first step. But I've recognized it before but it takes work to really shake it. Kinda like those 30 pounds I'm losing. I recognize I've gained it, and last week I was gung-ho about it, but now I've stopped putting in the work. I do the same thing with my attitude and mental health. I get on this "I'm going to be happy" kick but then stop putting in the work after a week or so. Maybe because being happy never used to be work....and I still think it shouldn't be.
All I know is that I don't want to be this way, feeling like crap and spewing my negative vibes all over the place. It's too damn exhausting.
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