Officially nope

Turns out I'm not the 0.001% that has a false negative on a pee stick! But they did say I could continue on the Pr.ometrium for a day so I'll be able to go away. I completely agree with those of you who said that IF has taken so much away from us. I can not let it take this too. My aunt has been like a second mother to me. At times growing up I was closer to her than to my own mom. There is NO way I could not be there to celebrate her 60th birthday with her.

Now while I did say I was Ok..well...that's a lie. So please indulge me in my few minutes of wallowing, whining, and tears. And recognize that there have been several glasses of wine involved tonight. Here is why I needed this cycle to work. In June 2006 at my annual exam, my gyno looked over my charts and told me to give it 6 more months. She said if I wasn't pregnant at Thanksgiving, to call and make an appointment. Every single day in December I put off making that phone call. As much as I knew there was a problem...and I wanted to fix it....I just couldn't say it out loud, or admit it. Finally, right before Christmas, AF showed up again. The very next day, I got up the strength to call and make my appointment. The only way I did was by telling myself over and over again that Christmas 06 was going to be the last Christmas I spent child-less. I promised myself that I would at least be pregnant by Christmas 07. And I'm not. And I am not ok with that.

Ok, I've cried my tears and will move on, I just had to get that out. It sucks to break a promise, especially one you made to yourself. And on a lighter note, looking at a calendar, IUI #2 just might fall on Christmas Eve...meaning there's still a chance I could be pregnant for Christmas 07...I just wouldn't know it at the time ;)

thanks for all the hugs...I love them!!

nope

First response was negative this morning. Still had to go in for the beta. I checked with my nurse yesterday and since I now have a history of chemicals, they want to make sure my levels are zero.

Surprisingly ok, just ok, but as Mr H put it this morning, OK is pretty damn good right now. I'm sure it'll hit me a bit more later, like when the next round of meds arrives!

I'm going to see if I can stay on the pro.metrium for just 2 more days. We're supposed to go down to FL for my Aunt's 60th birthday this weekend. She's my god mother and has been fighting breast cancer for the last 5 years. When we bought our tickets down, we made sure they were refundable in case this cycle was a bust, knowing that I'd probably have CD3 b/w and u/s that weekend. Mr H and I talked about it last night and at this point, we've waited 2.5 years, what is 2 more days. I'd much rather spend the weekend surrounded by my family. And I don't want IF to take that away from me too. We're going to stay with my cousin, she and I are just 16 months apart and have always been super close. Some of her TLC is exactly what I need right now. So I'm thinking of taking my dose tonight and tomorrow morning. That should be enough for AF to stay away until Saturday.

Creme de la Creme

I entered my submission...have you??



It was a really hard decision. I had so many favorite lines or snippets but I didn't like the whole post. Go enter now! I need some reading for my break!

one day to go

I need someone to help me figure out why, with the roads barely wet and a few little flurries falling, my 35 minute commute needs to take over 2 hours. Why?? It was ridiculous this morning. People are just idiots sometimes. A women decided to stop 2 lanes of traffic in order to get her side mirror that was crumpled on the highway. They aren't putting it back on lady! And yet you felt the need to block off these 2 lanes for 5 minutes while you picked up the pieces of you car....get out of the freakin road, you've got bigger problems than the mirror, your car is completely smooshed. Between the traffic and the meds, I was really ready to run her over. Instead, I sat there fuming thinking 'I SO need to move back north'. But at least it was a 2 hour distraction.

To add to the minus column, really bad cramps last night, AF style. But for the plus side, this is my longest LP ever. So we're still pretty even. Had a google emergency last night. About 2 hours after inserting my Pr.ometrium, I went to the bathroom, and the capsule fell out. I really wanted to take another but everything I found said that if its in for 20 minutes, you got all the meds. Hoping Dr Google is right. Of course that couldn't have happened with my morning dose so I could call the nurse.

Thanks again for the support and good wishes. I'll be testing tomorrow morning before my beta. Not sure when I'll be able to update that day

Still nothing

I stayed strong this morning and didn't test. Mainly because we have people staying with us and I couldn't have handled the negative since at this point (13 dpiui) it would be pretty damn accurate. And for that reason, I won't be testing tomorrow morning either. I really don't want to be in tears dropping these people off at the metro. I will though, before the beta, just to have my moment by myself (since the house guests will be gone).

Oh, and another note to self: When 13 dpiui, do not wear your red (really blood red) underwear. I swear I cursed every single time I went to the bathroom today (which was a lot). The pr.ometrium drips do not help that situation either (sorry, that was probably a bit tmi)

Still no AF-type cramps, so that's a plus. Still waking up all sweaty, a minus. Still crazy huge, painful boobs, a plus. Face so broken up I need to dip it in a vat of concealer, a minus. Still no spotting, another plus. Yes, I literally have a plus/minus table going here. Problem is, all of the plus signs can all be explained by the Pr.ometium.

At this point, as much as I want a positive, I just want to know and move on if I have to. I'm tired of this freaking wait.

Thanks for all the good thoughts though, I appreciate it. And I love all my new commentors (not sure if that's a word). I promise to update my blog soon, but you're all in my bloglines and I love reading your stories!

What a Monday

I definitely have a case of the Monday's. (I think that is the 2nd time I've quoted this movie in the same week...please tell me you all know it)

I woke up at 5 this morning with crazy night sweats (not sure if that's considered morning sweats). And I usually get those the day before AF shows up so of course I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I laid there thinking about every single thing I'd done over the last 2 weeks and ever little twinge I've had.

I managed to fall back asleep after my alarm went off and just went in a little late to work. Get to work and what is the very first thing I do, spill my entire coffee over my desk...and myself. At least my first thought was 'Save the Laptop!' but I'm all sticky now and everything else that was on my desk was ruined. Thankfully I had cleaned and organized Friday afternoon, usually my desk is a disaster area. Of course, I was so tired that I splurged for a half-caff this morning and it just got wasted! I've got a bunch of meetings that I forgot about and I forgot that Mr H's friend is crashing with us the next 2 nights. Uggg....

Today is 12dpiui. I managed to stay strong and not test the last 2 mornings. For me, getting AF is somehow easier that seeing those white screens staring back at me. At the same time, after today, I'd really love to pop open a bottle of wine tonight and NOT share it with anyone else. But I won't, because you never know. (Or I'll cave and test...and then pop open my bottle). I know I'll have to test Thursday morning before my beta. I need to know so I can brace myself for the phone call. This is the worst part of the 2ww, I can always make it through the beginning no problem. And this one is even worse since I can't help but think that it is the first time we've had a fighting chance.

To end on a positive, I had a fantastic time at the DC Metro bloggers Cookie Exchange yesterday. Thanks so much for hosting Leah. It was wonderful to see everyone!

why?

Why did I decide to POAS yesterday afternoon? Yes, I told myself that it was to make sure the trigger was completely out of my system like the Jen's (he he, just like the Bob's...great movie) suggested. But really it is because I enjoy torture. I should consider becoming a spy when all this is said and done because no one will ever be able to get anything out of me. I torture myself all the time...for fun even!! Anywho, naturally Friday's pee stick was white as a ghost. But you see, I rationalized it because I tested in the afternoon and drank a ton of water that day. So this morning, what did a half asleep Meghan have to do??? You guessed it! Pee on yet another stick. And ya know what....the trigger is still out of my system! Now this is where I get good at the self-torture. I'm now telling myself that because I got up to pee in the middle of the night (around 2) that the test I took at 7:30 must not be valid....so tomorrow morning I'll be at it again! Today is 10dpiui. Yes, I know its still early but still within the realm of possibilities.

Enough of that depressing crap. Let me tell you about my otherwise fantastic Friday night. My MIL always just writes us a check for the holidays and ever year we do something practical with it. And this year we were planning on doing the same. She's overly generous with her gifts so it would almost cover all of my meds for this next IUI (if necessary). Instead, the fantastic Mr H tells me that his mom wanted to make sure we did something fun so instead she got us tickets to go see Av.enue Q. I'm pretty gullible and easily get excited for a night out. We go out to a fantastic to a place with a great pre-theater menu (I was so pleasantly surprised by this restaurant) and then walk over to the show. The whole time Mr H is telling me that his mom did a bad job with the seats, they suck, on and on. We get there, he walks right past all the ushers and brings me to front row center...right behind the conductor. I was so surprised! He did it all (and I should have know that his mom is not computer savvy enough to buy tickets for anything online). He actually got lucky and when he was buying the tickets last week he told the guy he was trying to plan a nice date for his wife b/c she'd been down lately and the guy at the box office upgraded him! See, it can pay to be miserable and depressed ;) It was a fantastic show. One where you definitely want to be up close to see all of their facial expressions. I need to download one of the first songs, It Sucks to be Me. I see it becoming a key staple in my pity party rotation.

Today started out fun. Met my almost sister in law in Clarendon for a meeting with the florist. I just love her (my almost sister, not the florist, who was nice) and can not wait for her to officially be my sister. I am so lucky my brother picked someone I actually like. After that I had to rush home to change. I had meetings with 2 families today. Sucked to work 5 hours on a Saturday but that money should totally cover Christmas shopping this year.

And tomorrow is the cookie exchange with the DC Stirrup Queens. And that means I must get myself in the kitchen!!