Officially nope

Turns out I'm not the 0.001% that has a false negative on a pee stick! But they did say I could continue on the Pr.ometrium for a day so I'll be able to go away. I completely agree with those of you who said that IF has taken so much away from us. I can not let it take this too. My aunt has been like a second mother to me. At times growing up I was closer to her than to my own mom. There is NO way I could not be there to celebrate her 60th birthday with her.

Now while I did say I was Ok..well...that's a lie. So please indulge me in my few minutes of wallowing, whining, and tears. And recognize that there have been several glasses of wine involved tonight. Here is why I needed this cycle to work. In June 2006 at my annual exam, my gyno looked over my charts and told me to give it 6 more months. She said if I wasn't pregnant at Thanksgiving, to call and make an appointment. Every single day in December I put off making that phone call. As much as I knew there was a problem...and I wanted to fix it....I just couldn't say it out loud, or admit it. Finally, right before Christmas, AF showed up again. The very next day, I got up the strength to call and make my appointment. The only way I did was by telling myself over and over again that Christmas 06 was going to be the last Christmas I spent child-less. I promised myself that I would at least be pregnant by Christmas 07. And I'm not. And I am not ok with that.

Ok, I've cried my tears and will move on, I just had to get that out. It sucks to break a promise, especially one you made to yourself. And on a lighter note, looking at a calendar, IUI #2 just might fall on Christmas Eve...meaning there's still a chance I could be pregnant for Christmas 07...I just wouldn't know it at the time ;)

thanks for all the hugs...I love them!!

nope

First response was negative this morning. Still had to go in for the beta. I checked with my nurse yesterday and since I now have a history of chemicals, they want to make sure my levels are zero.

Surprisingly ok, just ok, but as Mr H put it this morning, OK is pretty damn good right now. I'm sure it'll hit me a bit more later, like when the next round of meds arrives!

I'm going to see if I can stay on the pro.metrium for just 2 more days. We're supposed to go down to FL for my Aunt's 60th birthday this weekend. She's my god mother and has been fighting breast cancer for the last 5 years. When we bought our tickets down, we made sure they were refundable in case this cycle was a bust, knowing that I'd probably have CD3 b/w and u/s that weekend. Mr H and I talked about it last night and at this point, we've waited 2.5 years, what is 2 more days. I'd much rather spend the weekend surrounded by my family. And I don't want IF to take that away from me too. We're going to stay with my cousin, she and I are just 16 months apart and have always been super close. Some of her TLC is exactly what I need right now. So I'm thinking of taking my dose tonight and tomorrow morning. That should be enough for AF to stay away until Saturday.

one day to go

I need someone to help me figure out why, with the roads barely wet and a few little flurries falling, my 35 minute commute needs to take over 2 hours. Why?? It was ridiculous this morning. People are just idiots sometimes. A women decided to stop 2 lanes of traffic in order to get her side mirror that was crumpled on the highway. They aren't putting it back on lady! And yet you felt the need to block off these 2 lanes for 5 minutes while you picked up the pieces of you car....get out of the freakin road, you've got bigger problems than the mirror, your car is completely smooshed. Between the traffic and the meds, I was really ready to run her over. Instead, I sat there fuming thinking 'I SO need to move back north'. But at least it was a 2 hour distraction.

To add to the minus column, really bad cramps last night, AF style. But for the plus side, this is my longest LP ever. So we're still pretty even. Had a google emergency last night. About 2 hours after inserting my Pr.ometrium, I went to the bathroom, and the capsule fell out. I really wanted to take another but everything I found said that if its in for 20 minutes, you got all the meds. Hoping Dr Google is right. Of course that couldn't have happened with my morning dose so I could call the nurse.

Thanks again for the support and good wishes. I'll be testing tomorrow morning before my beta. Not sure when I'll be able to update that day

Still nothing

I stayed strong this morning and didn't test. Mainly because we have people staying with us and I couldn't have handled the negative since at this point (13 dpiui) it would be pretty damn accurate. And for that reason, I won't be testing tomorrow morning either. I really don't want to be in tears dropping these people off at the metro. I will though, before the beta, just to have my moment by myself (since the house guests will be gone).

Oh, and another note to self: When 13 dpiui, do not wear your red (really blood red) underwear. I swear I cursed every single time I went to the bathroom today (which was a lot). The pr.ometrium drips do not help that situation either (sorry, that was probably a bit tmi)

Still no AF-type cramps, so that's a plus. Still waking up all sweaty, a minus. Still crazy huge, painful boobs, a plus. Face so broken up I need to dip it in a vat of concealer, a minus. Still no spotting, another plus. Yes, I literally have a plus/minus table going here. Problem is, all of the plus signs can all be explained by the Pr.ometium.

At this point, as much as I want a positive, I just want to know and move on if I have to. I'm tired of this freaking wait.

Thanks for all the good thoughts though, I appreciate it. And I love all my new commentors (not sure if that's a word). I promise to update my blog soon, but you're all in my bloglines and I love reading your stories!

What a Monday

I definitely have a case of the Monday's. (I think that is the 2nd time I've quoted this movie in the same week...please tell me you all know it)

I woke up at 5 this morning with crazy night sweats (not sure if that's considered morning sweats). And I usually get those the day before AF shows up so of course I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I laid there thinking about every single thing I'd done over the last 2 weeks and ever little twinge I've had.

I managed to fall back asleep after my alarm went off and just went in a little late to work. Get to work and what is the very first thing I do, spill my entire coffee over my desk...and myself. At least my first thought was 'Save the Laptop!' but I'm all sticky now and everything else that was on my desk was ruined. Thankfully I had cleaned and organized Friday afternoon, usually my desk is a disaster area. Of course, I was so tired that I splurged for a half-caff this morning and it just got wasted! I've got a bunch of meetings that I forgot about and I forgot that Mr H's friend is crashing with us the next 2 nights. Uggg....

Today is 12dpiui. I managed to stay strong and not test the last 2 mornings. For me, getting AF is somehow easier that seeing those white screens staring back at me. At the same time, after today, I'd really love to pop open a bottle of wine tonight and NOT share it with anyone else. But I won't, because you never know. (Or I'll cave and test...and then pop open my bottle). I know I'll have to test Thursday morning before my beta. I need to know so I can brace myself for the phone call. This is the worst part of the 2ww, I can always make it through the beginning no problem. And this one is even worse since I can't help but think that it is the first time we've had a fighting chance.

To end on a positive, I had a fantastic time at the DC Metro bloggers Cookie Exchange yesterday. Thanks so much for hosting Leah. It was wonderful to see everyone!

why?

Why did I decide to POAS yesterday afternoon? Yes, I told myself that it was to make sure the trigger was completely out of my system like the Jen's (he he, just like the Bob's...great movie) suggested. But really it is because I enjoy torture. I should consider becoming a spy when all this is said and done because no one will ever be able to get anything out of me. I torture myself all the time...for fun even!! Anywho, naturally Friday's pee stick was white as a ghost. But you see, I rationalized it because I tested in the afternoon and drank a ton of water that day. So this morning, what did a half asleep Meghan have to do??? You guessed it! Pee on yet another stick. And ya know what....the trigger is still out of my system! Now this is where I get good at the self-torture. I'm now telling myself that because I got up to pee in the middle of the night (around 2) that the test I took at 7:30 must not be valid....so tomorrow morning I'll be at it again! Today is 10dpiui. Yes, I know its still early but still within the realm of possibilities.

Enough of that depressing crap. Let me tell you about my otherwise fantastic Friday night. My MIL always just writes us a check for the holidays and ever year we do something practical with it. And this year we were planning on doing the same. She's overly generous with her gifts so it would almost cover all of my meds for this next IUI (if necessary). Instead, the fantastic Mr H tells me that his mom wanted to make sure we did something fun so instead she got us tickets to go see Av.enue Q. I'm pretty gullible and easily get excited for a night out. We go out to a fantastic to a place with a great pre-theater menu (I was so pleasantly surprised by this restaurant) and then walk over to the show. The whole time Mr H is telling me that his mom did a bad job with the seats, they suck, on and on. We get there, he walks right past all the ushers and brings me to front row center...right behind the conductor. I was so surprised! He did it all (and I should have know that his mom is not computer savvy enough to buy tickets for anything online). He actually got lucky and when he was buying the tickets last week he told the guy he was trying to plan a nice date for his wife b/c she'd been down lately and the guy at the box office upgraded him! See, it can pay to be miserable and depressed ;) It was a fantastic show. One where you definitely want to be up close to see all of their facial expressions. I need to download one of the first songs, It Sucks to be Me. I see it becoming a key staple in my pity party rotation.

Today started out fun. Met my almost sister in law in Clarendon for a meeting with the florist. I just love her (my almost sister, not the florist, who was nice) and can not wait for her to officially be my sister. I am so lucky my brother picked someone I actually like. After that I had to rush home to change. I had meetings with 2 families today. Sucked to work 5 hours on a Saturday but that money should totally cover Christmas shopping this year.

And tomorrow is the cookie exchange with the DC Stirrup Queens. And that means I must get myself in the kitchen!!

Get out the map

Every 2ww I analyze (hmmmm....over-analyze) my boobs looking for those tell-tale blue veins. I stand in my bathroom looking at myself in all sorts of light and usually manage to convince myself that I see one. Then I rest happily knowing that for sure, I'm pregnant. (yes, I realize that this is probably more information than anyone ever wanted to know about me). Then this morning, I am about to get in the shower and I actually jumped back in surprise. Holy crap, my boobs have an actual roadmap of nasty blue veins across them....I look disgusting! I've never seen anything like it. Yet another sign to make me think I might have a shred of a chance.

8dpiui and other than RandMcN.ally scattered across my chest, nothing else is going on. I'm going to try to wait until Sunday to test. That'll be 11 days. I want to make sure that darn trigger is out. Plus, I usually only have a 12-13 day LP so Sunday wouldn't really be that early. But, like I said, I'm going to try to wait. I make no promises.

Mel has a great post on why Christmas just sucks sometimes. I hate that I don't enjoy the holidays as much as I used to. And I know my family resents that I spend more time with the in laws since they don't celebrate Christmas. Even being around my niece for Hanukkah is easier than my cousin's kids at Christmas, not sure why. I've stopped sending out cards...because I don't want to get them back in return. Last year I got 2 cards where people announced their pregnancy. Talk about being blindsided. Since I can't hibernate, I've just stopped getting the mail. Mr H still does every few days but the catalogs go straight into the recycling bin, they never even make it into the house. Not sure what I'll do with the cards and newsletters when they inevitably start pouring in, I guess save them for a good day...I do have them occasionally.

Need everyone's help

First, before I get to what I need help on let me state the obvious. Pr.ometrium is the devil, no doubt about it. I am slowly turning into a crazy person. I hate what this does to me. Today I've been this little insecure thing, ready to either lash out or burst into tears at a moments notice.

Thanks for all of the insurance tips. I never thought that switching would make a difference. In fact, I was scared to switch in case suddenly all of this became a pre-existing condition. I will have Mr H talk to his HR people about it all. It's open season at his work and we looked at a lot of other plans but ours actually had the best coverage so we'll stick with it for now.

Ok, here's where I'm hoping someone out there in blogland knows someone or has a cousin of step sister's in law's dogwalker (you know, the one that always ends up pregnant while on the pill) in the jewelry bizz. When we got engaged, I bought Mr H a really nice Br.ietling watch as his engagement watch. I figured I shouldn't be the only one with something nice to wear. About 2 months later, his dad passed away and left him his old Tag watch. Both are really nice watches and both look almost exactly the same. Last year I went to the jeweler's to see if I could get a leather band for the Tag, so they'd be different and he might wear it more. They told me they couldn't do it. Now I'm about to start a much more aggressive campaign for info but if anyone out there knows a jeweler, a watchmaker (does such a profession still exist??) please let me know. I am determined to get him this!

6dpiui now and realized that I haven't started spotting yet. I'm a little scared that I'm starting to get my hopes up. I pretty much always start spotting between 4-7 dpo. I really want to keep on being all pissy and negative (it's such a flattering light to portray myself in, right?) Just going to keep on sitting tight.....I freaking hate waiting!

Back to work

I would really be fantastic as a stay at home wifey. Coming back to work today just sucked.

But Sunday! Sunday we made over 100 bucks returning nasty wedding presents. Yes, I know we've been married for 2 1/2 years but we just finally decided to get all of the crap out of the basement closet. I know if we had done it closer to the wedding we probably would have gotten some more, but at this point, I'll take the 100 bucks! I am a little sad to say that we no longer have por.nographic candlesticks....they were pretty freakin awesome! But the gift card to Bloomies makes me happier. We've got even more stuff on Craigslist so hopefully we'll the present-buying fund will get another little bonus. Had a quiet night with Mr H. Made some turkey chili with leftovers that was great and watched Si.cko. I am now petrified that my insurance is going to find some way to deny the rest of our treatments. It was not a movie I should have watched right now.

And on the symptom front....5dpiui and nada. Cramps I had earlier are gone and I'm just left with crazy sore boobs. Seriously, my bra barely fits right now and I have a big bruise from the stupid wire digging in. It sucks, mostly because it is just the Pr.ometrium talking. Trying to talk myself out of testing to see if the trigger is out of my system. I really don't want to make myself crazy testing early but I know it's inevitable. Apparently I enjoy torturing myself.

3dpiui and hungover

So I know it's really way to early to have any symptoms and anything that isn't made up in my head is probably from the Pr.ometrium but I don't care. Having tons of cramping on my left side. Pains on the right, that 13mm that was too small to trigger is probably going to end up being a cyst. And since it's been about 6 months since I've had a painful cyst, I guess I'm due. Oh, and my boobs are sore but I know that's the meds talking. Given the not so great timing and Mr H's not so great count, I'm not getting my hopes up. (ha...please remind me I said this in about 7 days)

We had a great weekend up in Philly. Jenna commented on my last post and said she hoped my happiness hangover lasted. What a great description! And it certainly did!!! My brother and his fiance decided to come up with us too so we had a fun road trip Friday morning. It was so great to see our friends. They moved in August and we hadn't seen them both since their wedding. I had never been to Philly before. They live in the cutest neighborhood, I just loved it. We had a great afternoon walking around and a fantastic dinner Friday night. The best part was that kids/pregnancy never even registered on the conversation. Partially because they are all part of our IC (inner circle) and know about our IF but also because no one else is in that spot. So for once, I didn't feel inadequate. And since they know about the IF, they didn't raise any eyebrows when I nursed a glass of wine over dinner and didn't drink at any of the bars we went to (as an aside, when will VA go smoke-free???? it is just so nice). Played a little photo hunt for far too long and then called it a night.

Today we walked around the city some more, got ourselves a cheesesteak for lunch, and headed home. This is seriously the best type of hangover ever!

Hurry up and wait

Not only is that what I'll be doing for the next 2 weeks, it was also the theme of the day. We didn't get taken into our 10:30 appointment until about 11:20. Mr H's post wash was 10 mil, not great but certainly not horrible. Procedure itself went fine. I was a little nervous since my dr had said it would feel similar to the HSG...and I thought that was horrible. He had a little trouble getting my cervix into position but once he did it was over in seconds. And now I like to think of it as some crazy reality show going on in my tubes. I named it Egg-lette as my one little egg looks for the perfect spermie. I was thinking something along the lines of Rock of Love, but if this works, I really don't want to associate my future child with B.rett Michael or any of those skanky, skanky ladies.

I get to start my Pr.ometrium tomorrow (happy thanksgiving to me) and my beta in scheduled for Dec 6. After the chemical last month I'm not sure if I'll test early or not. Regardless I'll test on the morning of the beta, I need some advance notice of impending bad news.

Hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving. We're going to my parents first thing in the morning and are in charge of breakfast. I'm making apple butter pancakes and Mr H has various meats he's very excited about. And from there...we'll pretty much just eat all day. And of course we have the apple vodka! My brother also made a cinnamon infused bourbon....sure to be a fun afternoon.

ready

Made myself new playlist in case I get nervous waiting tomorrow morning. HA! In case!!! Let's play fix the sentence (since you all know that I'm a grammar geek I can tell you that was one of my favorite games in school). So here's the edited version: Made myself a new playlist for when I get nervous waiting tomorrow morning.

Mr H has decided he wants to do his part at home. Of course he decided this too darn late to get a collection cup. So he has decided to get up earlier than he has to, drive there, get the cup, drive home, do his business, then drive back there. Can you tell this is a man who usually takes public transportation? I don't think he has any idea what traffic will be like but it's not me that's driving. As long as he gets that sample to them at 9 I'm not letting myself stress about it. (again HA!)

Thanks for all the good wishes. Keep those good thoughts coming tomorrow around 10:30!! Oh, and for Lea Bea who asked, I did 50 mg C.lomid CD 3-7, and 75 iu F.ollistim CD 9 and 11 with an O.vidrel trigger CD 13. I'm a little upset about not advocating for a more aggressive plan back in August but not only did I trust my doctor and was nervous about the side effects, but I also wanted to respond to a low dose and not need the heavy hitters (especially not that 2nd shot of F.ollistim....that shit burns). But as much as I don't want to, I'm glad we'll bring out some bigger guns next time around.

wow--100 posts!

I was trying to plan something fun and exciting for my 100th post. Maybe because I'm in a school and all the classrooms count the days and have big parties for the 100th day of school. But somehow counting out 100 pennies or cheerios just doesn't translate on the internet!

I was thinking about it last night and I am just so glad that I decided to start blogging. You all are an AMAZING support network that I am so lucky to have. So really, I should be sending out 100 thank yous to everybody.

Now back to business! Had my bloodwork and scan this morning. Sucky part is that my insurance only covers 2 per IUI cycle so this one is going to be out of pocket. But leftie took the hint and grew. It's big enough to trigger. Rightie didn't do a thing, still weighed in at just under 13. In my disappointment over rightie, I don't remember how big leftie is. I'll ask when my nurse calls back later.

So we'll trigger tonight and the IUI will be Wednesday at 10:30. Excited and nervous. It was my dr doing the ultrasound and while he reminded me that it only takes 1, he did say that he wanted to be much more aggressive next cycle and that I did not seem to respond to well to the C.lomid. So I'm glad that we're going to develop a better plan B. Not that I'm planning on this not working...just trying to find that balance between hoping for the best and bracing for the worst.

Slow and steady **updated at bottom**

Had my bloodwork and ultrasound today. Scan showed one 17 mm follicle on the left, a 13 on the right, and a few smaller ones on both. I had been hoping for at least 3-4 decent sized ones but I guess I'll take two....it's certainly more than I've ever had at this point in the game. So I go back tomorrow for another scan, although I doubt the 17 will grow that much in a day. My nurse is going to call sometime today to let me know if I should take another F.ollistim or just let them do their growing on their own.

Other than that, had burgers and bowling night yesterday and I actually almost beat Mr H (I'm a terrible bowler). Must be all those Wii tournaments we have ;) Today we've got a big day...a little Ik.ea, a little Tar.get, good times!

** update (I didn't want to waste my 100th post on a silly update...I know, I'm a dork)

nurse called and told me to take another 75 iu of F.ollistim tonight and to come in for another scan on Monday. I hope this lets the 13 catch up!

thanks for all the info and good wishes!

Did it!

First injection done!

Whew! I managed not to psych myself out too much. Had a little bit of a problem drawing it out of the vial and lost a little (is it bad that I wanted to lick it off my counters???) Injection itself didn't hurt at all, but I totally get why so many of you call it Folli-sting.

Thanks for all of your pep talks and advice. I iced myself all up and also put the needle in the fridge.

Off to watch good tv (and maybe have some ice cream too....I earned it, right??)

a pointless post

So all day long I think of all these random things I want to post about, and then when I have a second, I completely forget everything I wanted to say. I haven't forgotten that I've been tagged for 8 random things. I promise I'll get to that in the next few days ;)

So I've just got one question: spotting on clo.mid?? Anyone experience that? I've got a call into my nurse but you ladies usually have better info regardless. I'm on CD 7 and the nasty brown spotting started last night. I know that it can mess with your lining and it certainly seems to be doing so! I gotta tell you, it doesn't really inspire that much confidence that this is going to be the wonder drug and in 3 short weeks I'll be pregnant.

oh, and while I've got all you smarties here, let's talk antral follicle counts. During my initial testing in August I had 11, which they said was good. This cycle I had 10, which again they said was fine. Not trusting those silly doctors, I put Dr G.oogle on it. Everything I found suggests that in someone my age (30), 10 follicles isn't that great. Still definitely within the normal range of 10-20, but on the low end of normal. Will definitely talk to my RE about this and it does make me want to be more aggressive next cycle. If I'm already borderline low, what is going to happen in 3-4 years when I want a 2nd child? (I know, I'm getting greedy). Anywho, just wondering if anyone has any other info related to this?

thanks!!!

note to self

When having C.lomid inspired hot flashes....do NOT bring soup for lunch. I'm such an idiot! I've now locked my office door and am sitting in a tank top for a few minutes.

Must scrounge up something else to eat

CD1

Thank Goodness!!! I really need to get out of limbo and get back to being optimistic about all this. I do not like having a 67 day cycle. I am so ready to finally be starting treatment! CD 3 b/w and u/s is scheduled for Friday and I take my first C.lomid that night. I think, it was so long ago that I got my protocol I forget and need to look it back up. And it was even longer since my injections class. Hopefully I didn't forget any of that.