Look at me, 2 posts in 2 days!!
Just a little disclaimer that posts like this used to drive me CRAZY, so I won't be the least bit offended if someone decides not to read.
I went back to work in January then took another leave in mid February. I say I did this because Sweetness needs PT but in really, it was for me. Work was fairly understanding and let me come in just one day a week.
I've had a love/hate relationship with working one day a week. On one hand, I love being home with Sweetness. She is just the most fun right now, learning something new every day. But I am someone who hates not giving 100% and not doing my job well. And being in 1 day a week just sucked. I would start dreading it the day before. I would have to spend the beginning part of the day getting caught up in changes to treatment plans and then would spend the rest of the day feeling completely ineffective because while my position is important to the development of the program, in terms of day to day operations, I'm not missed that much. And feeling that replaceable kind of sucks.
So starting in April I've been going in 2 days a week. Mostly to ease myself back into full time, which will have to happen in May. And that thought I really hate. I've gotten over all my issues with the Spanish speaking nanny. I made myself some flashcards and we've gotten pretty good at communicating to each other. As an aside, I think she really appreciates the effort I've made to learn some Spanish (the other family in the nanny share just calls her son to translate for her) and suddenly it seems that she knows more english than she did before. But I just don't want to work full time at all. I know it is short term and that in September I'll be job sharing, working 3 days a week...but I don't want to do that either.
This will probably be controversial and I am not saying that fertile parents don't love their kids, but I really think that in light of everything it took to get Sweetness here, I don't want to miss a single second of her growing up. I could care less that I hardly ever shower, that money is tight, that today I left the house with dried up Puffs on my shoulder. What I care about is that she takes her best naps snuggled up on my chest, that her whole body smiles when Mr H or I walk into a room, and that her giggle is the sweetest sound I've ever heard in my entire life. I don't want to take a single moment of all that for granted because I know that I am incredibly lucky and blessed to have been given such a gift.
Of course none of this is news to anyone. Most working moms miss their kids during the day and wonder if they are doing the right thing. But for some reason, the idea of working sends me right back to the brink of being depressed all the time. And I hated when I was depressed all the time. Plus I always figured that I was depressed all the time because I wanted a baby and couldn't have one. Now I've got the baby and the depression comes back?!?! I don't think it's PPD, since she's almost 8 months old, just 'plain ol I hate how some things in my life are' depression.
Which is equally ridiculous because I really am the luckiest person in the world. And I know it. I've got a husband who is an equal partner in pretty much every way and a healthy happy baby. What right do I have to complain??
There are no good answers here I know. We have no money and are slowly blowing through our savings. And while we're very lucky that Mr H's job is extremely secure, as is mine, it is still a bad time to be out of work. I guess mostly I'm just surprised that if we won the lottery, I would walk away and not look back. I always thought I'd be a super mom and wouldn't want to give up my career. But now it's career....what career? And super mom...what a joke!
Kudos to you if you've read through all these ramblings. I so miss blogging, getting it out there usually helps me to see everything clearer. Here's to getting over myself, right?
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Monday, April 20, 2009
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
My 18 year old self mocks me-and other random thoughts
Lots of little things today
- First, I just realized that tomorrow is my blogversary! Wow--I thought I had missed it. I find it impossible to even think about how I functioned without all of you!
- Back in high school I worked at the mall (yeah C.laire's) and in the summers I used to watch the 50 year old women and pregnant ladies walk the mall each morning and night. And boy did I judge them. I would never get out of their way and always thought that if they really wanted to exercise they should get out into the world. I may have muttered that on occasion. Well last night I met my mom for dinner at the super big mall near us. The restaurant was at one end. After dinner, she had an errand to run at the complete other end and asked if I wanted to come along. When we reached the store all completely out of breathe (well just me, she was fine) I realized this was SOOOO much better than dragging my butt back out after getting home and walking in the still 90 degree heat. And then on my way home today I did it again. It felt good to check off 35-45 minutes of walking before getting home today. Who have I become?
- According to other well-meaning ladies, I managed to be a horrible mother twice in the span of 20 minutes, and of course this is all before the kid is even born. First, while getting gas, some random older woman came up and told me that under no circumstances should I be pumping my own gas because didn't I know the fumes would be bad for the baby. WTF and mind your own f-ing business. The fumes obviously did something to your brain you batty old lune. How on earth would it possible for someone to go 9 months without pumping gas??? And then in the check-out line at the grocery store this perfect 25 year old mother a 2 year old and an infant looked in my cart and said, " Yeah, when I was pregnant, I tried really hard to eat all natural and organic foods. And I think my kids are better for it". STFU--I highly doubt the kid will come out orange because I had the nerve to eat some mac and cheese. You know, the good powdered kind, full of all sorts of nasty chemicals. So yeah, I'm going to be a horrible parent, but at least I won't be a know it all ass (damn, I totally should have said that)
- While at the mall I noticed two women. One was also pregnant and had the perfect body and was wearing the shortest short shorts. I can't they make maternity shorts that short. Seriously, she looked better in them than I ever would when 8 months pregnant. So I hate her. And then a little public service announcement to a different short short wearing young 20-something. If one is going to wear shorts that have less coverage than some underwear, please take care of your personal hygiene. One should consider a good thorough wax. Disgusting
- Mr H has been out of town all week for work. I never sleep as good when I'm by myself and you can see this turns me into a pretty snarky bitch. Worst part is that they are staying at this amazing golf and spa resort. He called me after work on his way to the pool to sit in the lazy river. I wanted to kill him.
Think that is enough random thoughts for now. I had other things spilling through my head all day but most of them got kicked out by my super annoying gas and grocery outing. Oh--and thanks for agreeing that those undies were defective. Mr H said I should return them---like I would really waddle my big ol ass into a store and say that these ripped on me and I want my money back. That is only good for a hazing ritual or something, no way I would ever do that!
- First, I just realized that tomorrow is my blogversary! Wow--I thought I had missed it. I find it impossible to even think about how I functioned without all of you!
- Back in high school I worked at the mall (yeah C.laire's) and in the summers I used to watch the 50 year old women and pregnant ladies walk the mall each morning and night. And boy did I judge them. I would never get out of their way and always thought that if they really wanted to exercise they should get out into the world. I may have muttered that on occasion. Well last night I met my mom for dinner at the super big mall near us. The restaurant was at one end. After dinner, she had an errand to run at the complete other end and asked if I wanted to come along. When we reached the store all completely out of breathe (well just me, she was fine) I realized this was SOOOO much better than dragging my butt back out after getting home and walking in the still 90 degree heat. And then on my way home today I did it again. It felt good to check off 35-45 minutes of walking before getting home today. Who have I become?
- According to other well-meaning ladies, I managed to be a horrible mother twice in the span of 20 minutes, and of course this is all before the kid is even born. First, while getting gas, some random older woman came up and told me that under no circumstances should I be pumping my own gas because didn't I know the fumes would be bad for the baby. WTF and mind your own f-ing business. The fumes obviously did something to your brain you batty old lune. How on earth would it possible for someone to go 9 months without pumping gas??? And then in the check-out line at the grocery store this perfect 25 year old mother a 2 year old and an infant looked in my cart and said, " Yeah, when I was pregnant, I tried really hard to eat all natural and organic foods. And I think my kids are better for it". STFU--I highly doubt the kid will come out orange because I had the nerve to eat some mac and cheese. You know, the good powdered kind, full of all sorts of nasty chemicals. So yeah, I'm going to be a horrible parent, but at least I won't be a know it all ass (damn, I totally should have said that)
- While at the mall I noticed two women. One was also pregnant and had the perfect body and was wearing the shortest short shorts. I can't they make maternity shorts that short. Seriously, she looked better in them than I ever would when 8 months pregnant. So I hate her. And then a little public service announcement to a different short short wearing young 20-something. If one is going to wear shorts that have less coverage than some underwear, please take care of your personal hygiene. One should consider a good thorough wax. Disgusting
- Mr H has been out of town all week for work. I never sleep as good when I'm by myself and you can see this turns me into a pretty snarky bitch. Worst part is that they are staying at this amazing golf and spa resort. He called me after work on his way to the pool to sit in the lazy river. I wanted to kill him.
Think that is enough random thoughts for now. I had other things spilling through my head all day but most of them got kicked out by my super annoying gas and grocery outing. Oh--and thanks for agreeing that those undies were defective. Mr H said I should return them---like I would really waddle my big ol ass into a store and say that these ripped on me and I want my money back. That is only good for a hazing ritual or something, no way I would ever do that!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
no one gets it
No one else in my life, even those who know that it took us 2.5 years to get here, seems to understand that I'm still scared and still don't believe this is really true. I'm scared to buy more maternity clothes and am fine alternating between the 2 pairs of pants I have. And I can't even begin to think about nursery bedding, cribs, registering, or all that other stuff. And names! Suddenly people expect us to have a name ready. It's all so crazy to me. It all seems so far away. I can't help but think that it's all wishful thinking on my part. I look at some other people's blogs and they all seem to together, already doing all those things. I will admit that I got temporarily giddy with excitement after the ultrasound and keep looking at the one little outfit my cousin got me....but I've lost the giddiness. And then of course I feel bad that this little girl isn't getting the best of me and will someone stumble across these postings years from now and think that I wasn't thrilled beyond words or that I didn't want her enough.
Years ago I had an PTSD related anxiety disorder that I did work through, my therapist would always make me talk about my 'death thoughts'. It took years before I could rationalize away each thought as it popped into my head. Well now I don't have thoughts about me dying, but of this baby. And I can't rationalize them. I know that part of it is because I never really dealt with the chemical pregnancy (or whatever it was) in November. But all I keep thinking is if that pregnancy could be taken after a week....why can't this after 20? There's really no rhyme or reason to all this...and I like both rhyme and reason.
I keep telling myself that I should be out of this funk, that I'm doing a disservice to every women still in the throws of treatments by not reveling in the fact that I managed to get lucky. But I can't shake it....
uggg...I hate what IF has done to me....
Years ago I had an PTSD related anxiety disorder that I did work through, my therapist would always make me talk about my 'death thoughts'. It took years before I could rationalize away each thought as it popped into my head. Well now I don't have thoughts about me dying, but of this baby. And I can't rationalize them. I know that part of it is because I never really dealt with the chemical pregnancy (or whatever it was) in November. But all I keep thinking is if that pregnancy could be taken after a week....why can't this after 20? There's really no rhyme or reason to all this...and I like both rhyme and reason.
I keep telling myself that I should be out of this funk, that I'm doing a disservice to every women still in the throws of treatments by not reveling in the fact that I managed to get lucky. But I can't shake it....
uggg...I hate what IF has done to me....
Monday, January 28, 2008
bad blogger
I know, I've been a very bad blogger. I keep coming up with all these great posts in my head at night and then by the time I can actually blog, they're long gone and all that is left is this horrible cycle of "I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm scared". Throw in a random "I think I'm gonna hurl" and you've pretty much summed things up for me.
I really hate that my blog has recently become a laundry list of everything I've been doing or that's going on, so I'm trying to avoid that. And I hate that I feel stuck in this in-between land, still fighting all the demons of infertility while simultaneously feeling cramps, pangs, and all these other symptoms of this little thing growing inside of me. Don't know how to avoid that though.
My cousin sent me a link for a sale at some maternity shop and asked if I had started shopping yet. Seriously!! After I composed myself, I wrote back joking that, at 7 weeks, I didn't quite need that just yet. Apparently, at this point in her first pregnancy, she already had a small stash of maternity clothes, since it made sense to buy things on sale. Just crazy
Again, another nonsense post with no real direction, but that's kind of how I feel lately. I'm going through each day without direction. I drag my tired butt out of bed each morning, stumble through work, then stumble my way to my private clients most nights, stumble home and go back to bed. I'm direction-less. I used to have direction and was highly motivated towards my goal. I was going to get pregnant. Every early morning as I dragged myself out of bed, I had a direction...going to the clinic at some pre-dawn hour to check on my progress. That's what got me through everything else. Then at night, I had another direction, whether it be a pill or a shot. Now, no real direction. Doesn't that seem crazy?!? I reached my destination. I should be happy, not wandering all over again like before I started treatments. Not sure how to find my new direction...any ideas from some of you ladies who made this trip already? There needs to be a mapquest for all this crap.
Ok enough of this. Want to say a quick thank you to the Order of the Plastic Ute (aka. the DC Bloggers) for a fantastic get together Saturday. Girls night in is one of my fave things...and this one was even better because I didn't have to pretend to nurse a beer, dump it when no one is looking, then fill it with water. Pretty lame, I know
I really hate that my blog has recently become a laundry list of everything I've been doing or that's going on, so I'm trying to avoid that. And I hate that I feel stuck in this in-between land, still fighting all the demons of infertility while simultaneously feeling cramps, pangs, and all these other symptoms of this little thing growing inside of me. Don't know how to avoid that though.
My cousin sent me a link for a sale at some maternity shop and asked if I had started shopping yet. Seriously!! After I composed myself, I wrote back joking that, at 7 weeks, I didn't quite need that just yet. Apparently, at this point in her first pregnancy, she already had a small stash of maternity clothes, since it made sense to buy things on sale. Just crazy
Again, another nonsense post with no real direction, but that's kind of how I feel lately. I'm going through each day without direction. I drag my tired butt out of bed each morning, stumble through work, then stumble my way to my private clients most nights, stumble home and go back to bed. I'm direction-less. I used to have direction and was highly motivated towards my goal. I was going to get pregnant. Every early morning as I dragged myself out of bed, I had a direction...going to the clinic at some pre-dawn hour to check on my progress. That's what got me through everything else. Then at night, I had another direction, whether it be a pill or a shot. Now, no real direction. Doesn't that seem crazy?!? I reached my destination. I should be happy, not wandering all over again like before I started treatments. Not sure how to find my new direction...any ideas from some of you ladies who made this trip already? There needs to be a mapquest for all this crap.
Ok enough of this. Want to say a quick thank you to the Order of the Plastic Ute (aka. the DC Bloggers) for a fantastic get together Saturday. Girls night in is one of my fave things...and this one was even better because I didn't have to pretend to nurse a beer, dump it when no one is looking, then fill it with water. Pretty lame, I know
Thursday, January 24, 2008
more ramblings...
I still don't know where to start when I sit down to write. I can tell you a few things though. Without a doubt, working a 15 hour day is NOT a good idea. Yesterday just about killed me. Oh, and the old saying 'Never wake a sleeping baby' also holds true for someone in her first trimester. My stupid (oops, I mean wonderful) husband keeps waking me up. He doesn't want me to sleep too much. I'm about ready to kill him.
On to my mental health. I came to the realization Monday night, after staring at that little ultrasound picture but cautioning myself and not allowing myself not to think more than 1 week into the future, that I'm completely kidding myself. I'm certainly not protecting myself. If this whole thing heads south, there is no way on earth I could be prepared for it and I would most certainly be devastated. So...I decided to enjoy this and try to live my life like a regular pregnant (did you catch that....I said it) lady. I still know that we've got a long way to go, but one of the things the ultrasound tech said stuck with me. She kept pointing to the screen saying, "That's your baby". She did not say what was in my head, "That's a random clump of cells that may or may not become a baby in 9 more months". She simply said, "That's your baby" with a huge smile on her face. There's a big difference in those two sentences. I want to think positively. I'm currently more pregnant than I've ever been...and for all I know, this might be as much as I get. I'd much rather enjoy it, than be miserable.
Of course I say enjoy it, and I am, for the most part. Thing is, all day long, I'm really afraid that every time I open my mouth, copious amounts of vomit will spew forth. Now I'm not typically a puker...and I'm really hoping I don't become one. But pretty much all day long, I feel like I'm about to. It's much worse in the morning and at night. Mid day is when I get down right ravenous, eating one lunch around 11 and another at 1. I'm just crossing my fingers that it means the little heart is still beating.
Ok, enough rambling. Maybe someday I will put together a coherent post. Now it's back to bed for some DVR
On to my mental health. I came to the realization Monday night, after staring at that little ultrasound picture but cautioning myself and not allowing myself not to think more than 1 week into the future, that I'm completely kidding myself. I'm certainly not protecting myself. If this whole thing heads south, there is no way on earth I could be prepared for it and I would most certainly be devastated. So...I decided to enjoy this and try to live my life like a regular pregnant (did you catch that....I said it) lady. I still know that we've got a long way to go, but one of the things the ultrasound tech said stuck with me. She kept pointing to the screen saying, "That's your baby". She did not say what was in my head, "That's a random clump of cells that may or may not become a baby in 9 more months". She simply said, "That's your baby" with a huge smile on her face. There's a big difference in those two sentences. I want to think positively. I'm currently more pregnant than I've ever been...and for all I know, this might be as much as I get. I'd much rather enjoy it, than be miserable.
Of course I say enjoy it, and I am, for the most part. Thing is, all day long, I'm really afraid that every time I open my mouth, copious amounts of vomit will spew forth. Now I'm not typically a puker...and I'm really hoping I don't become one. But pretty much all day long, I feel like I'm about to. It's much worse in the morning and at night. Mid day is when I get down right ravenous, eating one lunch around 11 and another at 1. I'm just crossing my fingers that it means the little heart is still beating.
Ok, enough rambling. Maybe someday I will put together a coherent post. Now it's back to bed for some DVR
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Long time no blog
Sorry everyone. I've gone back and forth between not knowing what to say and not having the energy to type. Tons of thoughts running through my head though so this might be a long one!
- I caved and bought a book. And after not allowing it in the house for 2 days, I actually took it out of the car over the weekend. I realized late last week that I am really good at being infertile. I know alot about it. Ask me anything, if I don't know the answer, I'll be able to find it quickly. However, I know absolutely nothing about being pregnant (there, I said it). I'm afraid I am not going to be good at it. So I bought a book and proceeded to get annoyed with said book less than 1 chapter in because of this "We all know if takes 2 to conceive a baby but it takes a minimum of 3-mother, father, and...health care professional..." Really, took a few more than 3 people for me! So that book has been put down and I still know nothing.
- thank you for all of your help and suggestions about my blockage problems. With a careful diet of Kashi cereal for brekkie, prunes to snack on all day, and at least one other meal containing beans, I've gotten it under control. Gas, heartburn, and constant low grade nausea have stepped in. I'm not complaining though...in fact, I welcome every burp and stomach roll. Helps me make it to next Tuesday.
- I knew that newly p-word people are tired. I'm Ok with that because I love to sleep. What I did not expect was being drop dead exhausted...and not being able to sleep. I'm typically up for 2-3 hours each night, regardless of if I nap during the day, what time I go to bed, etc. Luckily, my boss sent me home today to take a nap and work the rest of the afternoon from home. (and look how I'm thanking her, by catching up on all your blogs and posting)
I swear I had a ton more posts in my head, but I have no idea where they went. Of course I'm convinced that they were my best thoughts yet...like when you forget to hit save and lose a paragraph of your paper. You re-write it, but you know what you originally had was SO much better than the drivel you're coming up with now. That's what this post is, drivel.
One week to ultrasound. We're heading up to Long Island this weekend for my niece's baby naming. So that's 3 days that will help me get my mind off it. We'll drive home Monday and then just one more sleep! I'm guessing we'll be stopping at every single rest stop between here and NY...my bladder has got a mind of its own lately.
Thanks again for the advice and support. I think I'd go crazy without all you ladies!
- I caved and bought a book. And after not allowing it in the house for 2 days, I actually took it out of the car over the weekend. I realized late last week that I am really good at being infertile. I know alot about it. Ask me anything, if I don't know the answer, I'll be able to find it quickly. However, I know absolutely nothing about being pregnant (there, I said it). I'm afraid I am not going to be good at it. So I bought a book and proceeded to get annoyed with said book less than 1 chapter in because of this "We all know if takes 2 to conceive a baby but it takes a minimum of 3-mother, father, and...health care professional..." Really, took a few more than 3 people for me! So that book has been put down and I still know nothing.
- thank you for all of your help and suggestions about my blockage problems. With a careful diet of Kashi cereal for brekkie, prunes to snack on all day, and at least one other meal containing beans, I've gotten it under control. Gas, heartburn, and constant low grade nausea have stepped in. I'm not complaining though...in fact, I welcome every burp and stomach roll. Helps me make it to next Tuesday.
- I knew that newly p-word people are tired. I'm Ok with that because I love to sleep. What I did not expect was being drop dead exhausted...and not being able to sleep. I'm typically up for 2-3 hours each night, regardless of if I nap during the day, what time I go to bed, etc. Luckily, my boss sent me home today to take a nap and work the rest of the afternoon from home. (and look how I'm thanking her, by catching up on all your blogs and posting)
I swear I had a ton more posts in my head, but I have no idea where they went. Of course I'm convinced that they were my best thoughts yet...like when you forget to hit save and lose a paragraph of your paper. You re-write it, but you know what you originally had was SO much better than the drivel you're coming up with now. That's what this post is, drivel.
One week to ultrasound. We're heading up to Long Island this weekend for my niece's baby naming. So that's 3 days that will help me get my mind off it. We'll drive home Monday and then just one more sleep! I'm guessing we'll be stopping at every single rest stop between here and NY...my bladder has got a mind of its own lately.
Thanks again for the advice and support. I think I'd go crazy without all you ladies!
Friday, January 4, 2008
142!!!!!!!!!!
I was hoping for something over 50, since it's still really early. Betabase has the average hCG for 13 dpiui as 36. But 142! That far exceeded my expectations. I have my follow ups on Monday and Wednesday. It's going to be a looong weekend, those pee sticks aren't going to know what hit'em! Well, they will, I just have a feeling I'm going to be grabbing one every time I go to the bathroom.
I had prepared myself for a lower number and had convinced myself that I wasn't going to get as caught up in everything as I did last time but the nurse's message was SO different. Last time she said things like, "well, it's officially positive" and "come back in 2 days, we need to ride this out." This time first thing she said "I have good news", said congrats 3 times, and that it was a nice high number given that I was testing early. Since she's a medical professional, she's got me all excited. I recognize that I only believe her when she says things I want to hear. That I'm like the woman with the cheating husband, ignoring the lipstick and being gone all hours and just focusing on the fact that he bought me some grocery store flowers.
I really need to protect myself. I know this isn't a sure thing. Neither one of us has mentioned the p-word yet. I remember back when we were first trying and every single cycle I would figure out my due date with those online calculators. I'd think of the season, what type of clothes I'd be wearing, would it be really hot, would I have to worry about slipping on ice? I thought all of these things monthly, and always got my heart broken. Still haven't gone to any of those sites and done that, I almost don't want to know. First, it would be admitting it and second, it would make it far too real. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely giddy with excitement, but I'm trying to do the cautious optimism thing.
I had prepared myself for a lower number and had convinced myself that I wasn't going to get as caught up in everything as I did last time but the nurse's message was SO different. Last time she said things like, "well, it's officially positive" and "come back in 2 days, we need to ride this out." This time first thing she said "I have good news", said congrats 3 times, and that it was a nice high number given that I was testing early. Since she's a medical professional, she's got me all excited. I recognize that I only believe her when she says things I want to hear. That I'm like the woman with the cheating husband, ignoring the lipstick and being gone all hours and just focusing on the fact that he bought me some grocery store flowers.
I really need to protect myself. I know this isn't a sure thing. Neither one of us has mentioned the p-word yet. I remember back when we were first trying and every single cycle I would figure out my due date with those online calculators. I'd think of the season, what type of clothes I'd be wearing, would it be really hot, would I have to worry about slipping on ice? I thought all of these things monthly, and always got my heart broken. Still haven't gone to any of those sites and done that, I almost don't want to know. First, it would be admitting it and second, it would make it far too real. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely giddy with excitement, but I'm trying to do the cautious optimism thing.
Monday, December 31, 2007
what to say?
I've been reading all of your eloquent end of the year posts and am left somewhat speechless. I really do not know what to say.
As ready as I am for 07 to be over, it being over brings to light all of our failures from last year, the broken promises and expectations, the tears, the arguments. Part of me doesn't want it to end, because if it doesn't, then there's still a chance. Don't get me wrong, there were some good moments too...most notably suddenly realizing I'm not alone in all this crap. This IF community is the one silver lining in all this crap. I remember calling Mr H on the way home from my first get together with the DC ladies back in August. He asked how it was (because I was SOOOO nervous beforehand) and if it made me sad, did we only talk about IF stuff. I said great, that they were all normal woman and we talked about normal stuff. He replied that of course everyone was 'normal', but that is when it first struck me, that I was still a normal person, just a normal person dealing with a ton of crap. And it took meeting this fantastic group of women to make me realize that I wasn't some sort of freak or something.
So 07 does have some things lined up in the plus column. But what scares me the most is that in 2008 our journey to get pregnant will, for better or worse, be over. That's not to say we won't have a family, but this is the year that will determine if we have a biological child or not. And that scares the crap out of me. As I sit here convinced that this IUI did not work, I wonder how much more of this I can do. I really do not think I can be one of those women doing IVF after IVF. I'm so emotionally fragile as it is, I don't know where I will find the strength for all that.
So while 2007 brought some disappointment with it, 2008 brings unknowns...and that to me is scarier.
I'll try to end on a positive note here. We are making the yummiest dinner tonight. Filets topped with lobster. So excited for our surf and turf! Not sure what the sides will be, but they aren't that important to me. Last year we decided to stay in, make ourselves a nice dinner, open one of the good bottles of wine, and just celebrate quietly and it was one of the better new years. This year I'll be good and only have a small sip of wine but I'm so excited for dinner!
I hope everyone has a wonderful night and 2008 brings us whatever it is we dream of!
As ready as I am for 07 to be over, it being over brings to light all of our failures from last year, the broken promises and expectations, the tears, the arguments. Part of me doesn't want it to end, because if it doesn't, then there's still a chance. Don't get me wrong, there were some good moments too...most notably suddenly realizing I'm not alone in all this crap. This IF community is the one silver lining in all this crap. I remember calling Mr H on the way home from my first get together with the DC ladies back in August. He asked how it was (because I was SOOOO nervous beforehand) and if it made me sad, did we only talk about IF stuff. I said great, that they were all normal woman and we talked about normal stuff. He replied that of course everyone was 'normal', but that is when it first struck me, that I was still a normal person, just a normal person dealing with a ton of crap. And it took meeting this fantastic group of women to make me realize that I wasn't some sort of freak or something.
So 07 does have some things lined up in the plus column. But what scares me the most is that in 2008 our journey to get pregnant will, for better or worse, be over. That's not to say we won't have a family, but this is the year that will determine if we have a biological child or not. And that scares the crap out of me. As I sit here convinced that this IUI did not work, I wonder how much more of this I can do. I really do not think I can be one of those women doing IVF after IVF. I'm so emotionally fragile as it is, I don't know where I will find the strength for all that.
So while 2007 brought some disappointment with it, 2008 brings unknowns...and that to me is scarier.
I'll try to end on a positive note here. We are making the yummiest dinner tonight. Filets topped with lobster. So excited for our surf and turf! Not sure what the sides will be, but they aren't that important to me. Last year we decided to stay in, make ourselves a nice dinner, open one of the good bottles of wine, and just celebrate quietly and it was one of the better new years. This year I'll be good and only have a small sip of wine but I'm so excited for dinner!
I hope everyone has a wonderful night and 2008 brings us whatever it is we dream of!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Lots of random things
My brain is all over the place today. Here's just a small sampling. And just a warning, there's one WAY TMI question, it's last so feel to skip it if you don't want to know that much about me.
- the sports bra trick is no longer as effective as it used to be. Today I went down the stairs too quickly and ouch! Makes me mad that it's just pr.ometrium.
- while we're talking about pr.ometrium. I f-ing hate it. I must have gotten lucky last time around and it didn't mess with my mood. But now I'm borderline clinical. I swear, I wouldn't get dressed at all if Mr H didn't need to be constantly entertained. Being off work definitely doesn't help. I've got nothing to take my mind off of every little twinge.
- When I logged onto y.ahoo this morning, they had a piece about this preacher that has come up with (and is of course selling) the Adam and Eve diet. I am not posting a link because I do not want to give this anymore attention than it has already gotten. Seriously people?!?!? Of course their diet was healthier, there was nothing fried, no doughnuts, breads, candy, soda, chips, cookies, etc, etc. They probably ate nuts, berries, and the occasional small animal they managed to catch. Oh, and don't forget about the fruit! I just hate how people package up the same recommendations in different ways to make money and the fact that this preacher has wrapped it into a religious context irks me even more. I've been ranting about this all day long to just about anyone who'll listen. Thanks for being a captive audience.
- so you may remember yesterday when I posted I was up for 2 hours with really weird cramping. I made the unfortunate mistake of giving my kitty some lovin'. So this morning, at 4:13 I felt a cold little nose rubbing mine purring. Very cute, but I was very much asleep. I felt really bad kicking him out of the room. I was then up for the next 2 hours wondering why I didn't have those weird intense cramps anymore. Damned if you do, damned if you don't
- ok, here's the tmi question. It's for all you ladies who've used the f-ing pr.ometrium suppositories. They cause me to get quite....um....irritated. I've got all these little, painful bumps down there. Last time I freaked out and called the dr, thinking I had somehow gotten some random disease from the actual iui. I've tried changing the pantiliner more often, 'freshening up' more often. I even went a little more daring in my last bikini wax but I think that made it worse. Any tips, advice, assvice....anything? It really freakin hurts. Plus, I'm vain and I made myself Ok with having a moldy looking cooch but it is completely different story when you've got a moldy cooch with sore-like things on it. Nasty. If I had the slightest interest in sex, it's loooong gone.
Counting down the days until vacay is over, haven't crossed half of the things off the to-do list...but I have taken plenty of naps!
- the sports bra trick is no longer as effective as it used to be. Today I went down the stairs too quickly and ouch! Makes me mad that it's just pr.ometrium.
- while we're talking about pr.ometrium. I f-ing hate it. I must have gotten lucky last time around and it didn't mess with my mood. But now I'm borderline clinical. I swear, I wouldn't get dressed at all if Mr H didn't need to be constantly entertained. Being off work definitely doesn't help. I've got nothing to take my mind off of every little twinge.
- When I logged onto y.ahoo this morning, they had a piece about this preacher that has come up with (and is of course selling) the Adam and Eve diet. I am not posting a link because I do not want to give this anymore attention than it has already gotten. Seriously people?!?!? Of course their diet was healthier, there was nothing fried, no doughnuts, breads, candy, soda, chips, cookies, etc, etc. They probably ate nuts, berries, and the occasional small animal they managed to catch. Oh, and don't forget about the fruit! I just hate how people package up the same recommendations in different ways to make money and the fact that this preacher has wrapped it into a religious context irks me even more. I've been ranting about this all day long to just about anyone who'll listen. Thanks for being a captive audience.
- so you may remember yesterday when I posted I was up for 2 hours with really weird cramping. I made the unfortunate mistake of giving my kitty some lovin'. So this morning, at 4:13 I felt a cold little nose rubbing mine purring. Very cute, but I was very much asleep. I felt really bad kicking him out of the room. I was then up for the next 2 hours wondering why I didn't have those weird intense cramps anymore. Damned if you do, damned if you don't
- ok, here's the tmi question. It's for all you ladies who've used the f-ing pr.ometrium suppositories. They cause me to get quite....um....irritated. I've got all these little, painful bumps down there. Last time I freaked out and called the dr, thinking I had somehow gotten some random disease from the actual iui. I've tried changing the pantiliner more often, 'freshening up' more often. I even went a little more daring in my last bikini wax but I think that made it worse. Any tips, advice, assvice....anything? It really freakin hurts. Plus, I'm vain and I made myself Ok with having a moldy looking cooch but it is completely different story when you've got a moldy cooch with sore-like things on it. Nasty. If I had the slightest interest in sex, it's loooong gone.
Counting down the days until vacay is over, haven't crossed half of the things off the to-do list...but I have taken plenty of naps!
Sunday, December 23, 2007
You've reached the end of the in.ternet
Yup, I have. I was just obsessively googling (what else is a girl supposed to do during the 2ww) and googled my own blog. I've come full circle, there's nothing else out there for me. Funny thing is, I certainly don't have the answer!
I love this quiet before the holidays. We slept in, cleaned a little, and ran some errands (BAD idea to wait until today to go to the grocery store). We're hosting Christmas Eve dinner...but I'm taking the slacker route and doing a ham.
Had a really weird experience last night. Went out with a bunch of girlfriends, some of whom have moved away and are back in town for the holiday. After dinner we were at someones apartment and they all started talking about the bcp. I felt so out of the conversation. I haven't taken bcp in 2.5 years. Apparently there are new ones out there! I wanted to shake this one girl who says even with her pill she hasn't gotten a period in 4 months....but her dr isn't worried! I wish I knew her better, so I could just tell her to be more proactive.
And since I finally decorated....here's a few pics!
Our tree-I realized we're missing a box of stuff, so it's a little sparse
The stockings are hung on the bookcase with care. The little one in the middle is kitty's ;)
And speaking of...here's how he 'helped' decorate ;)
Friday, December 21, 2007
more ramblings
Why do moms have such power over us sometimes? And as much as I want to be a mother, does that mean that someday I'll be able to so thoroughly ruin my child's day??
I went over to my parents to pick up our christmas decorations and wrap Mr H's present. I got there before my mom and had happily checked out her decorations, the presents under the tree, and had started my wrapping. I noticed she got a neat new Rudolph toy that looks just like the one from the cartoon. My mom gets home and immediately starts talking about my cousin's kids again...how cute their card was, etc, etc. I ignore it all, keep on wrapping. To change the subject, I ask where she got the Rudolph. She starts talking about that and then mentions that it sings and the nose lights up and then here's the kicker....She says, "now all we need is (insert names of cousin's kids) running around pressing it all day long".
I know she said it without thinking it would be hurtful. And I know I should have used that opportunity to educate just how hurtful, thoughtless, and insensitive comments like that are. But where do I even start? Floodgates would open, it'd be verbal diarrhea. How do I say that I've been dreading this Christmas. That I should have a little one obsessively making the damn thing sing to the point we take out the batteries. How do I explain the promise I made to myself last christmas? And that I'm not making it this year. That as much as I want 2007 to be over, I'm petrified of 08. That by the end of 08 this will all somehow be resolved. That Mr H and I are not on the same page in terms of what to do next and that scares the crap out of me. What will that do to our marriage, and to us as individuals? That he doesn't know how he feels about adoption and I do not want to be childless. And yes, I do feel a bit silly that all these thoughts flood my head after one little kids at christmas comment but I can't help it. The internal monologue is always running, like the ticker at the bottom of a news show. Yes, something may be going on in the foreground, but somewhere inside of me, these thoughts are running, sprinting even.
I left not long after that comment, and I didn't mention how much it hurt. Here's the kicker...I know she'll say that same thing again, to someone in my family while I'm around. I don't know if I'll be strong enough to say something then either.
I didn't let her completely ruin my night. We tried out a new pizza place close by. Mr H is originally a New York man and constantly laments that there is no place to 'grab a slice', but this met his criteria...thank goodness. And we talked and he made me feel better. But we didn't decorate our tree, I just didn't have it in me.
Oh and then the trigger! After I did the shot, pushed the plunger all the way in, yada yada, and took it out, when I put it down on the counter, someone some more meds shot out! I'm really hoping that it wasn't as much as it looked like.
Tonight I'll must up some holiday spirit to decorate the tree and then it's up early again Saturday for the IUI. Don't know often I'll be able to check in the next few days (who am I kidding, I'll still be checking all the time) but if you celebrate, have a wonderful christmas, and if you don't....enjoy a few days off!
I went over to my parents to pick up our christmas decorations and wrap Mr H's present. I got there before my mom and had happily checked out her decorations, the presents under the tree, and had started my wrapping. I noticed she got a neat new Rudolph toy that looks just like the one from the cartoon. My mom gets home and immediately starts talking about my cousin's kids again...how cute their card was, etc, etc. I ignore it all, keep on wrapping. To change the subject, I ask where she got the Rudolph. She starts talking about that and then mentions that it sings and the nose lights up and then here's the kicker....She says, "now all we need is (insert names of cousin's kids) running around pressing it all day long".
I know she said it without thinking it would be hurtful. And I know I should have used that opportunity to educate just how hurtful, thoughtless, and insensitive comments like that are. But where do I even start? Floodgates would open, it'd be verbal diarrhea. How do I say that I've been dreading this Christmas. That I should have a little one obsessively making the damn thing sing to the point we take out the batteries. How do I explain the promise I made to myself last christmas? And that I'm not making it this year. That as much as I want 2007 to be over, I'm petrified of 08. That by the end of 08 this will all somehow be resolved. That Mr H and I are not on the same page in terms of what to do next and that scares the crap out of me. What will that do to our marriage, and to us as individuals? That he doesn't know how he feels about adoption and I do not want to be childless. And yes, I do feel a bit silly that all these thoughts flood my head after one little kids at christmas comment but I can't help it. The internal monologue is always running, like the ticker at the bottom of a news show. Yes, something may be going on in the foreground, but somewhere inside of me, these thoughts are running, sprinting even.
I left not long after that comment, and I didn't mention how much it hurt. Here's the kicker...I know she'll say that same thing again, to someone in my family while I'm around. I don't know if I'll be strong enough to say something then either.
I didn't let her completely ruin my night. We tried out a new pizza place close by. Mr H is originally a New York man and constantly laments that there is no place to 'grab a slice', but this met his criteria...thank goodness. And we talked and he made me feel better. But we didn't decorate our tree, I just didn't have it in me.
Oh and then the trigger! After I did the shot, pushed the plunger all the way in, yada yada, and took it out, when I put it down on the counter, someone some more meds shot out! I'm really hoping that it wasn't as much as it looked like.
Tonight I'll must up some holiday spirit to decorate the tree and then it's up early again Saturday for the IUI. Don't know often I'll be able to check in the next few days (who am I kidding, I'll still be checking all the time) but if you celebrate, have a wonderful christmas, and if you don't....enjoy a few days off!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Moving right along
I'm finally back to feeling 100% (well, probably 85...whose ever really at 100 anyway?). It was pretty much just a 24 hour bug. I am just such a baby when it comes to being sick.
Had my day 3 appointment today. I was very happy that it didn't include bloodwork since I'm not a fan of the phlebotomist that was working this morning. Not sure why not though. Ultrasound showed no cysts (yeah) and 6 antral follicles on the right and 4 on the left. Yes, the exact opposite of last month. I still would like that to be higher, but there's not much I can do about it.
So I start ion my 50mg Clom.id tonight through Sunday. Friday and Sunday I've got 150 of F.ollistim. My next ultrasound is on Tuesday. I was so excited to start meds last month and I'm just not feeling it this time. I know I haven't been cycling anywhere near as long as some other people and that I'm just doing IUI. I just can't help but wonder how much of this I can take. Can my heart really break every 30 days and still somehow be whole the rest of the time? I don't know.
I also realized that I just want to be a mom. Yes, that probably seems obvious to many people. But I used to think I wanted to be pregnant. Now, not as much. Yes I would still like to experience pregnancy, but all I really want is the mom part. But now, to me, pregnancy seems like the means to the end. I don't care how I end up getting to be a mom, that part isn't as important to me. Long before we got married, Mr H and I always said that if we wanted more than 2 children, we'd adopt. So I've started to research it a bit. Thing is, I want to somehow protect myself from the heartache of cycling....and adoption doesn't do that. Nothing does really. So I'm not sure which path to take.
Had a very interesting drive to the clinic this morning. They had Rt 50 closed for a motorcade of motorcycle cops dressed up as Santa. There had to have been at least 50 bikes with half of them dressed up as Santa. It made me smile though. Definitely not something you see every day. At least when I called in late to work it was a novel reason.
Had my day 3 appointment today. I was very happy that it didn't include bloodwork since I'm not a fan of the phlebotomist that was working this morning. Not sure why not though. Ultrasound showed no cysts (yeah) and 6 antral follicles on the right and 4 on the left. Yes, the exact opposite of last month. I still would like that to be higher, but there's not much I can do about it.
So I start ion my 50mg Clom.id tonight through Sunday. Friday and Sunday I've got 150 of F.ollistim. My next ultrasound is on Tuesday. I was so excited to start meds last month and I'm just not feeling it this time. I know I haven't been cycling anywhere near as long as some other people and that I'm just doing IUI. I just can't help but wonder how much of this I can take. Can my heart really break every 30 days and still somehow be whole the rest of the time? I don't know.
I also realized that I just want to be a mom. Yes, that probably seems obvious to many people. But I used to think I wanted to be pregnant. Now, not as much. Yes I would still like to experience pregnancy, but all I really want is the mom part. But now, to me, pregnancy seems like the means to the end. I don't care how I end up getting to be a mom, that part isn't as important to me. Long before we got married, Mr H and I always said that if we wanted more than 2 children, we'd adopt. So I've started to research it a bit. Thing is, I want to somehow protect myself from the heartache of cycling....and adoption doesn't do that. Nothing does really. So I'm not sure which path to take.
Had a very interesting drive to the clinic this morning. They had Rt 50 closed for a motorcade of motorcycle cops dressed up as Santa. There had to have been at least 50 bikes with half of them dressed up as Santa. It made me smile though. Definitely not something you see every day. At least when I called in late to work it was a novel reason.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Jekyl and Hyde
That's me today...and that's pretty much how this post reads. I'm bulleting so I can get everything out easiest.
- I LOVE LOVE LOVE my RE. Seriously. And I know I shouldn't announce my love for him this much since he does get all up in my business and there's a possibility he impregnated me (as an aside, I so want to get this shirt if I get pregnant). On Sunday he called to see if I had any questions following the IUI. Monday morning I emailed him a few of my questions. He called back a few hours later and then after leaving me a voicemail, replied to all of my questions via email. I am going to start expecting this responsiveness from all my doctors! True, I pay him a bit more than a regular ol doc, but I'm still impressed.
- My questions were all about our next cycle (for my mental health, I need to keep moving forward and thinking of plan b). I thought we had a pretty sucky response to the cl.omid and folli.stim. He didn't think just one follicle was a bad thing. I want to be slightly more aggressive and he is thinking Cl.omid again, but this time with Fo.llistom on CD 5 and 7, instead of 9. Not sure what I'm thinking. I need to ask him a few more questions. My biggest concerns are that we only have 6 IUI's covered lifetime. And pie in the sky thinking, I'd like to have 2 kids. Which brings me to my next point...(and brings out the Hyde)
- Why on earth do people seem to think I should only have 1 child? Just because I'm infertile am I not entitled to that american dream of 2.4 kids and the picket fence? Don't get me wrong, I will be beyond thrilled if I have a child but am I supposed to completely give up my dream of a large family? When I've mentioned this lifetime benefit and our plan for 2 children, two different people have expressed shock that we would want more than one child.
- Not sure how I'm going to handle the whole dr thing. I want to walk that fine line between successfully advocating for myself and respecting his knowledge and opinions. It's a pet peeve of mine when my clients or parents of students don't walk that line with me and I do not want to be the name in his inbox that causes him to cringe (since I have more than a few of those)
- my freaking boobs! They HURT! Not quite as much as last month's chemical but still more than any other cycle. I know, I know, it's the meds. At this point, if it's not a pregnancy symptom, I don't want to deal with it. I don't need another part of my body with bruises on it.
Ok, ranting over. Any assvice on the meds or anything else is welcome. And thanks for putting up with me
Thursday, November 15, 2007
How did we get here?
That's what I spent last night thinking about. How on earth did we get here. I actually started this post the night of my first C.lomid. I know it's pretty low tech compared with so many of the other treatments out there. Kind of like being in awe of an electric screwdriver when everyone around you is building houses....or something lame like that. But seriously, I do not completely understand how I got to this point.
And tonight's my first injection. So naturally I picked about 3 fights with Mr H last night. Only one of which I had a legitimate reason for being mad at him. Anytime I mention being nervous about the injections, he makes some stupid comment about imagine I'm a diabetic, then I'd be doing it every day. Well I'm not! And it's not insulin I'm injecting, to keep myself alive, it's massive amounts of hormones, in the hopes of creating the possibility of getting pregnant. Very different situations. And then last night I was watching the video from the RE and I'm flinching every time the model injects herself (which btw, who signs up for that acting gig??). Turn around, Mr H says no big deal and pretends to do it to himself a few times. Easy for it to be no big deal for him, it's all pretend to him.
So that was our real fight and then I picked stupid fights with him for the rest of the night. Between my catastrophizing all night long and those stupid night sweats/hot flashes I got no sleep. I'm sitting here in bed exhausted, trying to get up the energy to get in the shower and go to work late and all I can keep thinking is...how did I get here?? And I don't have an answer.
And tonight's my first injection. So naturally I picked about 3 fights with Mr H last night. Only one of which I had a legitimate reason for being mad at him. Anytime I mention being nervous about the injections, he makes some stupid comment about imagine I'm a diabetic, then I'd be doing it every day. Well I'm not! And it's not insulin I'm injecting, to keep myself alive, it's massive amounts of hormones, in the hopes of creating the possibility of getting pregnant. Very different situations. And then last night I was watching the video from the RE and I'm flinching every time the model injects herself (which btw, who signs up for that acting gig??). Turn around, Mr H says no big deal and pretends to do it to himself a few times. Easy for it to be no big deal for him, it's all pretend to him.
So that was our real fight and then I picked stupid fights with him for the rest of the night. Between my catastrophizing all night long and those stupid night sweats/hot flashes I got no sleep. I'm sitting here in bed exhausted, trying to get up the energy to get in the shower and go to work late and all I can keep thinking is...how did I get here?? And I don't have an answer.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Knowledge does NOT equal power
Alternatively titled: Ignorance would be bliss.
This is yet another thing infertility has taken away from me. If this was November 2005, I would have peed on those sticks and been pregnant. I'd just be pregnant. And excited beyond belief. None of this beta or cautiously optimistic crap. Although I'd probably be complaining about the sore boobs, headache, and nausea while now I'm psyched about them. (I felt really sick eating dinner about an hour ago and was actually disappointed that I didn't throw up....that's pretty messed up).
I know that this is completely out of my control and is a complete miracle. So why do I feel like I'm on a teeter totter...going back and forth between being excited, thinking "right at this moment in time, I'm pregnant and that is amazing" to already starting the grieving process, thinking "there is no point getting excited about this because in 3 days I'm going to find out this was just a chemical pregnancy". I do know that I need to protect myself. I guess, I wish I didn't know that I needed to protect myself. Because I'm not doing a good job of that, of being protective. With each cramp or wave of nausea, I say hi to my little poppy seed and thank God that it's there. I'm already starting to imagine the next few months (and years for that matter). And yes, I'm saying "if this sticks, ...." but that doesn't mean that I'm not planning for the future. And this could all be some huge cosmic joke. Maybe I royally fucked someone over in a past life and now they're getting even with me. Because this wasn't supposed to happen. And now that it has, those big thick walls I've put up around my heart and soul are slowly fading.
So ultimately, I know enough to realize that this has a much higher likelihood of NOT working, but it's not my brain that is making all these decisions. I'm just praying to pretty much every higher power out there....surely one of them will come through for us, right?? I'm not asking for a second miracle, just that this one continues....until mid July or so.
While you're here, please go vote for Mel from Stirrup Queens. She is such an amazing support and we're lucky to have her in our community. Vote for Stirrup Queens for Best Medical/Health Issues blog (you can vote once a day)
This is yet another thing infertility has taken away from me. If this was November 2005, I would have peed on those sticks and been pregnant. I'd just be pregnant. And excited beyond belief. None of this beta or cautiously optimistic crap. Although I'd probably be complaining about the sore boobs, headache, and nausea while now I'm psyched about them. (I felt really sick eating dinner about an hour ago and was actually disappointed that I didn't throw up....that's pretty messed up).
I know that this is completely out of my control and is a complete miracle. So why do I feel like I'm on a teeter totter...going back and forth between being excited, thinking "right at this moment in time, I'm pregnant and that is amazing" to already starting the grieving process, thinking "there is no point getting excited about this because in 3 days I'm going to find out this was just a chemical pregnancy". I do know that I need to protect myself. I guess, I wish I didn't know that I needed to protect myself. Because I'm not doing a good job of that, of being protective. With each cramp or wave of nausea, I say hi to my little poppy seed and thank God that it's there. I'm already starting to imagine the next few months (and years for that matter). And yes, I'm saying "if this sticks, ...." but that doesn't mean that I'm not planning for the future. And this could all be some huge cosmic joke. Maybe I royally fucked someone over in a past life and now they're getting even with me. Because this wasn't supposed to happen. And now that it has, those big thick walls I've put up around my heart and soul are slowly fading.
So ultimately, I know enough to realize that this has a much higher likelihood of NOT working, but it's not my brain that is making all these decisions. I'm just praying to pretty much every higher power out there....surely one of them will come through for us, right?? I'm not asking for a second miracle, just that this one continues....until mid July or so.
While you're here, please go vote for Mel from Stirrup Queens. She is such an amazing support and we're lucky to have her in our community. Vote for Stirrup Queens for Best Medical/Health Issues blog (you can vote once a day)
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
thanks!
Thanks so much for all the offers to join the pity party. I wish I could have everyone over for some yummy apps and a few bottles ;)
Nothing new to update. The witch is still playing hide and seek, I'm hoping she'll come out tomorrow in honor of Halloween. Insurance should be re-upped by Thursday. So if she does show tomorrow, I'll be able to get CD 3 testing Friday without having to pay and try to get reimbursed.
Had a crappy day at work, had to call protective services again for one particular family. The whole situation is just horrible and I hate knowing that there is nothing more I can do for them. Sometimes working in special ed really takes too much out of me. Right now I'd love nothing more than to just answer phones all day long for someone pseudo-important than be dealing with really-real real life problems. Plus I'm now the supervisor of someone who has been over me for the last few years and the transition has not gone well. I need to have a laying down some rules meeting with her and I'm dreading it.
Oh and last little thing, anyone know how I can change the date when I post something that's been in my archives for awhile? I usually just cut and paste it into a new post but that's a real PITA and I know there has to be a better way. As usual, I'm in need of some tech support. Thanks in advance
Nothing new to update. The witch is still playing hide and seek, I'm hoping she'll come out tomorrow in honor of Halloween. Insurance should be re-upped by Thursday. So if she does show tomorrow, I'll be able to get CD 3 testing Friday without having to pay and try to get reimbursed.
Had a crappy day at work, had to call protective services again for one particular family. The whole situation is just horrible and I hate knowing that there is nothing more I can do for them. Sometimes working in special ed really takes too much out of me. Right now I'd love nothing more than to just answer phones all day long for someone pseudo-important than be dealing with really-real real life problems. Plus I'm now the supervisor of someone who has been over me for the last few years and the transition has not gone well. I need to have a laying down some rules meeting with her and I'm dreading it.
Oh and last little thing, anyone know how I can change the date when I post something that's been in my archives for awhile? I usually just cut and paste it into a new post but that's a real PITA and I know there has to be a better way. As usual, I'm in need of some tech support. Thanks in advance
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Random sporting events...
I knew you ladies would be the only ones to cheer on my spotting ;) I'm now anxiously awaiting full on AF. Based on my cramping and general PMS-iness, I'm thinking Monday or Tuesday. But at this point, I know better than to make any timelines.
Had a great weekend up in NY, managed to see some friends I've haven't seen since my birthday. And the drive back down today wasn't half as bad as we thought it would be with all the rain.
Now onto my new biggest problem...the Sox game. Usually I can make it up for a Sat night World Series game but now tomorrow morning I've got to get up really early for some marathon watching. Those of you who didn't know that marathons were a spectator sport have never met my family (and at this point, you might be glad about that) My dad has run marathons for as long as I can remember, all of the neighborhood kids used to make a parade for him after his marathons and triathlons. When we lived up in Mass, the B.oston Marathon started in our hometown. So we'd always go the the start, which was a blast, then head home and race down the Mass Pike and watch from Ke.nnmore Square. In high school, I would jump in and pace my dad the last few miles. And then of course we'd always be at the finish. The M.arine Corp marathon is a spectator's dream. It snakes around the city and there are so many places to watch the runners. I think we'll be able to see my brother and his fiance at 4 different spots along the course. So I've got a big day tomorrow, I can't be up all night watching the game. (oh...this just in, a 6 run 3rd for the Sox, I think I can sleep easy tonight)
Alright, I haven't been able to check in with anyone all weekend, I'll spend tomorrow night with my b.loglines and writing up my book tour questions. Enjoy the rest of the weekend everyone!
Had a great weekend up in NY, managed to see some friends I've haven't seen since my birthday. And the drive back down today wasn't half as bad as we thought it would be with all the rain.
Now onto my new biggest problem...the Sox game. Usually I can make it up for a Sat night World Series game but now tomorrow morning I've got to get up really early for some marathon watching. Those of you who didn't know that marathons were a spectator sport have never met my family (and at this point, you might be glad about that) My dad has run marathons for as long as I can remember, all of the neighborhood kids used to make a parade for him after his marathons and triathlons. When we lived up in Mass, the B.oston Marathon started in our hometown. So we'd always go the the start, which was a blast, then head home and race down the Mass Pike and watch from Ke.nnmore Square. In high school, I would jump in and pace my dad the last few miles. And then of course we'd always be at the finish. The M.arine Corp marathon is a spectator's dream. It snakes around the city and there are so many places to watch the runners. I think we'll be able to see my brother and his fiance at 4 different spots along the course. So I've got a big day tomorrow, I can't be up all night watching the game. (oh...this just in, a 6 run 3rd for the Sox, I think I can sleep easy tonight)
Alright, I haven't been able to check in with anyone all weekend, I'll spend tomorrow night with my b.loglines and writing up my book tour questions. Enjoy the rest of the weekend everyone!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
busy busy
Whew, I've got a lot to say. I couldn't get on at all yesterday for some reason so this is going to be a long post....and I've got lots of comments to leave!
I had a bit of a meltdown over the weekend. Saturday was fine, we worked on the kitchen all day. Purging our pantry was eye opening. Nothing like throwing out unopened cans and packets that expired in 03 to make you re-think your grocery shopping and waste. Even more eye opening is that we moved here in Nov 04, which means we moved already expired stuff...a little embarrassing.
Sunday. I was SO excited for Sunday. We were going to take the Jeep out and go apple picking with my brother and his fiancee. Then over to my parents for an apple themed dinner. It was a beautiful weekend and I couldn't wait to get outside. Then Mr H's brother called to tell us that we've got a new niece! Now I've known my sister-in-law was pregnant for months now. In fact, I figured it out long before she told people. I thought I was fine with it. I could not have been more wrong. I literally broke as soon as Mr H went out to run an errand. I had one of those crying in the shower moments (which I do all the time). But this time I stayed in there sobbing long past the hot water left the water heater. Nothing says unstable like standing in an ice cold shower crying. Then, since I was cold, I got in my bathrobe, got under the covers, and stayed there for the next 5 hours or so. That is when I realized I needed to get a grip. I'm looking into our insurance to see what our coverage is for a therapist. And a big thanks to the DC ladies for all of the recs.
I pretty much figured the bulk of it out. When I first found out my SIL was pregnant last March, I had just had my initial testing with my gyno and I was confident that I'd be pregnant soon. And I'd be very pregnant by the time the baby was born. The cousins would be close in age and all would be well. As time went on, I decided that at the very least I'd be pregnant by October. And then as more time went on, I decided that at least I'd have started treatment and my IUI by the time the baby was born.
But of course none of this would work out. I put so much pressure on my last natural cycle and that of course I would have an annovulatory cycle. It's CD 45 and nothing. I thought I managed to O but it seems not. I hate that it was my last chance and I didn't work. Not that it didn't work...but that I didn't work. Feels like I have a cyst and I just know that I'm going to have to sit out October too. I know that we can't plan any of this but I really had it in my head that I'd be getting inseminated right about now.
So that was my weekend. Monday sucked too. Today is looking better. I called my nurse and emailed my doctor and they're going to give me Pr.overa to jump-start my period. Just need to go in for a beta tomorrow (HA--almost a dozen pee sticks can't be wrong). I haven't taken Pr.overa yet...any word on what to expect??
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. In other news, our kitchen is coming together. Floors and cabinets are in and it looks like they'll be finished on Thursday which means he'll do the breakfast bar on Friday!!! I will most definitely be posting some pics for everyone, I'm so excited about it. Oh, and we've decided to come out to a select group of people, our inner circle if you will. And I'm setting up a different blog with updates for everyone so I don't have to deal with talking to people when I don't want to.
Off to catch up and comment...
I had a bit of a meltdown over the weekend. Saturday was fine, we worked on the kitchen all day. Purging our pantry was eye opening. Nothing like throwing out unopened cans and packets that expired in 03 to make you re-think your grocery shopping and waste. Even more eye opening is that we moved here in Nov 04, which means we moved already expired stuff...a little embarrassing.
Sunday. I was SO excited for Sunday. We were going to take the Jeep out and go apple picking with my brother and his fiancee. Then over to my parents for an apple themed dinner. It was a beautiful weekend and I couldn't wait to get outside. Then Mr H's brother called to tell us that we've got a new niece! Now I've known my sister-in-law was pregnant for months now. In fact, I figured it out long before she told people. I thought I was fine with it. I could not have been more wrong. I literally broke as soon as Mr H went out to run an errand. I had one of those crying in the shower moments (which I do all the time). But this time I stayed in there sobbing long past the hot water left the water heater. Nothing says unstable like standing in an ice cold shower crying. Then, since I was cold, I got in my bathrobe, got under the covers, and stayed there for the next 5 hours or so. That is when I realized I needed to get a grip. I'm looking into our insurance to see what our coverage is for a therapist. And a big thanks to the DC ladies for all of the recs.
I pretty much figured the bulk of it out. When I first found out my SIL was pregnant last March, I had just had my initial testing with my gyno and I was confident that I'd be pregnant soon. And I'd be very pregnant by the time the baby was born. The cousins would be close in age and all would be well. As time went on, I decided that at the very least I'd be pregnant by October. And then as more time went on, I decided that at least I'd have started treatment and my IUI by the time the baby was born.
But of course none of this would work out. I put so much pressure on my last natural cycle and that of course I would have an annovulatory cycle. It's CD 45 and nothing. I thought I managed to O but it seems not. I hate that it was my last chance and I didn't work. Not that it didn't work...but that I didn't work. Feels like I have a cyst and I just know that I'm going to have to sit out October too. I know that we can't plan any of this but I really had it in my head that I'd be getting inseminated right about now.
So that was my weekend. Monday sucked too. Today is looking better. I called my nurse and emailed my doctor and they're going to give me Pr.overa to jump-start my period. Just need to go in for a beta tomorrow (HA--almost a dozen pee sticks can't be wrong). I haven't taken Pr.overa yet...any word on what to expect??
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. In other news, our kitchen is coming together. Floors and cabinets are in and it looks like they'll be finished on Thursday which means he'll do the breakfast bar on Friday!!! I will most definitely be posting some pics for everyone, I'm so excited about it. Oh, and we've decided to come out to a select group of people, our inner circle if you will. And I'm setting up a different blog with updates for everyone so I don't have to deal with talking to people when I don't want to.
Off to catch up and comment...
Monday, October 8, 2007
Made it
Thanks so much for all your kind words. It really helps to know that other people have been in the same situations, felt the same things, and came out the other side.
While I didn't find a strength store, I did make it through the weekend. I had a great time at the wedding. There were alot of people there that I hadn't seen in forever plus my brother and his fiancee (who knows about everything) were there. She was a huge help, helping to steer some conversations away so I didn't have another bathroom meltdown. Which is good because there was only 1 bathroom and there was always a line 3-4 deep. So glad I could keep it together.
On the 2ww front, still nothing. I've now gone through my dollar store stash for the IUI. I'm going to try to not go buy anymore for a few days. I'm hoping it'll save my sanity. Rationally I know that since I didn't chart or anything that I may not have O'd when I thought I did and that I am not one of those girls who gets pregnant just because she set something up with an RE and bought meds. That just does not happen. Irrationally though, I like to think that I am that 1% that is going to get pregnant without medical interventions AND of that 1%, I'm part of the smaller %age that doesn't get a + HPT. Crazy, I know. So I hereby am vowing to stop POAS for at least the rest of this week. I called my nurse and she said they would not induce AF until I went as long as my longest cycle, which is 58 days. So I'm going to wait...and try to wait patiently.
Oh and before you all leave, please go with LJ good luck on her transfer this afternoon!!
While I didn't find a strength store, I did make it through the weekend. I had a great time at the wedding. There were alot of people there that I hadn't seen in forever plus my brother and his fiancee (who knows about everything) were there. She was a huge help, helping to steer some conversations away so I didn't have another bathroom meltdown. Which is good because there was only 1 bathroom and there was always a line 3-4 deep. So glad I could keep it together.
On the 2ww front, still nothing. I've now gone through my dollar store stash for the IUI. I'm going to try to not go buy anymore for a few days. I'm hoping it'll save my sanity. Rationally I know that since I didn't chart or anything that I may not have O'd when I thought I did and that I am not one of those girls who gets pregnant just because she set something up with an RE and bought meds. That just does not happen. Irrationally though, I like to think that I am that 1% that is going to get pregnant without medical interventions AND of that 1%, I'm part of the smaller %age that doesn't get a + HPT. Crazy, I know. So I hereby am vowing to stop POAS for at least the rest of this week. I called my nurse and she said they would not induce AF until I went as long as my longest cycle, which is 58 days. So I'm going to wait...and try to wait patiently.
Oh and before you all leave, please go with LJ good luck on her transfer this afternoon!!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
random factoid of the day
A woman just walked into my office, introduced herself and then said, "Did you know we share 50% of our DNA with....(she really did the dramatic pause) a banana?" And then walked out. Now when I worked in adult services with Asperger's I expected things like that. I did not expect it from an adult here, I think she is a substitute. In her defense I was eating a banana at the time but still, a little bizarre. I'm glad my office mate was here, I don't think anyone would have believed me. So...there you all go, everyone learned something new today!
Still picking up alot of pieces from yesterday's events. This poor family is a wreck. And then of course I'm behind on everything for the week since that is the only thing I did all day yesterday.
I'm in the "Must Have Chocolate NOW" phase of PMS. I've realized I don't really need to chart or use monitors, I can tell where I am in my cycle by the food cravings/mood swings. Isn't that pathetic? I've obviously been tracking my symptoms for WAY too long. Needless to say my banana, while satisfying some curiosity for the day, did nothing for the chocolate craving. I'm off on a mad hunt for something, anything with chocolate in it now.
Still picking up alot of pieces from yesterday's events. This poor family is a wreck. And then of course I'm behind on everything for the week since that is the only thing I did all day yesterday.
I'm in the "Must Have Chocolate NOW" phase of PMS. I've realized I don't really need to chart or use monitors, I can tell where I am in my cycle by the food cravings/mood swings. Isn't that pathetic? I've obviously been tracking my symptoms for WAY too long. Needless to say my banana, while satisfying some curiosity for the day, did nothing for the chocolate craving. I'm off on a mad hunt for something, anything with chocolate in it now.
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