Thursday, December 6, 2007

Officially nope

Turns out I'm not the 0.001% that has a false negative on a pee stick! But they did say I could continue on the Pr.ometrium for a day so I'll be able to go away. I completely agree with those of you who said that IF has taken so much away from us. I can not let it take this too. My aunt has been like a second mother to me. At times growing up I was closer to her than to my own mom. There is NO way I could not be there to celebrate her 60th birthday with her.

Now while I did say I was Ok..well...that's a lie. So please indulge me in my few minutes of wallowing, whining, and tears. And recognize that there have been several glasses of wine involved tonight. Here is why I needed this cycle to work. In June 2006 at my annual exam, my gyno looked over my charts and told me to give it 6 more months. She said if I wasn't pregnant at Thanksgiving, to call and make an appointment. Every single day in December I put off making that phone call. As much as I knew there was a problem...and I wanted to fix it....I just couldn't say it out loud, or admit it. Finally, right before Christmas, AF showed up again. The very next day, I got up the strength to call and make my appointment. The only way I did was by telling myself over and over again that Christmas 06 was going to be the last Christmas I spent child-less. I promised myself that I would at least be pregnant by Christmas 07. And I'm not. And I am not ok with that.

Ok, I've cried my tears and will move on, I just had to get that out. It sucks to break a promise, especially one you made to yourself. And on a lighter note, looking at a calendar, IUI #2 just might fall on Christmas Eve...meaning there's still a chance I could be pregnant for Christmas 07...I just wouldn't know it at the time ;)

thanks for all the hugs...I love them!!

25 comments:

Maria said...

Crap, now I'm crying. Your post sounds a lot like what's been going through my head. I also told myself last Christmas, that it would be the last Christmas I was childless. That's the only way I made it through last year. And unless, I get good news next week, I don't know how I'll make it through this year.

Cry whenever you want, it's never easy, no matter how many times it happens.

Again, sending you tons of love and hugs!

Jen said...

Seems to be a theme here but I also told myself that 06 would be my last childless/pregnancyless Christmas. And my next possible testing day is Jan 1st, so even if this next cycle works, I won't know on Christmas. I'm not okay with that either.

Sorry this one didn't work for you.

sarah23 said...

I am so sorry about the bad news x 2 today!! Ughhhh.

I got my first ever BFN on Christmas morning 2006 (we had just started trying), and I remember telling my husband that we would probably have a baby, or at least I'd be very pregnant by Christmas 2007. I wish that I could have been right!!!

peesticksandstones said...

I'm so, so sorry. Everything you wrote about felt so familiar to me, it just aches. Wish I could make it better for you -- and everyone else dealing with this during the holidays especially.

Sending you lots of hugs... you're totally not alone!

Geohde said...

Hon,

I am so sorry. You are dealing with it so well. It is ok to not be ok right now, if that makes any sense at all,

xx

J

chicklet said...

I'm so sorry you got a negative again. I totally get how these can just knock you down completely and how you don't want to move onto making that call. Gawd.

Indulge in the whining all you need, it's allowed.

Infertility said...

It is so tough to be so out of control of something so important.

The holidays seem to bring a strange clarity to things. I think that this time of year is when everything comes into focus for a lot of people - whether it's IF or some other important life topic.

It's a natural time for reflection...I think that we'll see that a lot in blogs as December wears on.

Here's to making 2008
The Year We Have Babies.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Hey there my friend. I feel for you in a big way, and I hope that conception takes place in 2007 for a 2008 delivery.

Ms Heathen said...

Somehow Christmas does seem to throw everything into sharp relief - we look back with grief and regret, but also allow ourselves to dream of what may still happen.

I am so sorry that this cycle didn't work out for you, but really admire your courage and determination to move on. My thoughts are with you.

Ms Heathen said...

Somehow Christmas does seem to throw everything into sharp relief - we look back with grief and regret, but also allow ourselves to dream of what may still happen.

I am so sorry that this cycle didn't work out for you, but really admire your courage and determination to move on. My thoughts are with you.

Yoka said...

I wish we could do something fun on Christmas. Last year we were in Hawaii and didn't really have a Christmas, so it didn't hurt so much. Maybe we can have a After X-Mas party in NoVA in January and just celebrate that we survived another Christmas without children.

Shelby said...

Tears over here too. I'm so, so sorry that it didn't work. Feel free to whine and cry as much as you need to! And I'm just around the corner if you need a shoulder.

I hope you have a great trip though! Sending lots and lots of hugs.

jennifercarol said...

Of course its okay to cry and even to whine. I think sometimes we refuse to let ourselves grieve and try to be strong. But that only causes all of that negative emotion to build up. So cry, drink some whine, and have a good weekend with your family.

JJ said...

Its ok to feel worse than just OK--hell, I was becoming a bit jealous at how STRONG you are! Im so sorry Meghan--but I do love the fact that you could still be pregnant by Christmas!!

Fertilize Me said...

I am so sorry meghan. I hate that there is really nothing that you can do but try and try and try again and pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try some more! Hang in there - I am thinking of you .. and cry, whine and drink alot of wine, whatever it takes to help!

Michell said...

I'm so sorry. I know what you mean about the setting a time frame on something and then having it not happen. I've been doing it most of my life. Cry if you need to and we'll be here to listen.

Heather said...

This is our third Christmas since we started trying and the last two years I made myself that promise. It makes me sad that I broke those promises but I think I'm even more sad that I've accepted that I can't say it this year...I can't do that to myself again. I have to accept that it may never happen for us.

I'm crying with you, for you, for all of us. I hope that you are pregnant by Christmas. I really hope you are!

jenna sais quoi said...

Oh God. I did the same. exact. thing. last year.

And what I went through last holiday season, The Man seems to be coming to terms with THIS holiday season.

I am so sorry Meghan. It hurts when you try so hard to make things work on a schedule, and the stars just don't align for whatever reason. Bleah!

Sending hugs and virtual hot cocoa your way....

Frenchie said...

I totally understand the thing about Christmas, and the disappointment. I've been through 3 holidays with no child since we started ttc, and last year was the worst--because I was supposed to be giving birth in November. But I lost the baby way before that. Meanwhile my sister in law announced that Christmas that she was expecting. Her third baby. UGH.

Luckily we were blessed to become parents this year via adoption.

Hope you'll be pregnant by Christmas (even if you don't know it). :0) And me, too!!

MoonNStarMommy said...

Awwwwwww I found you via one of the other TTC blogs... I so hope you get your Christmas wish, your Christmas Promise.

dmarie said...

I'm so sorry. The holidays are just not the same since infertility.

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry you couldn't be part of that percentage. It sucks that we always have to fall on the wrong side of the statistics. It is almost never in our favor.

I hope you have a great time with your aunt and can find some peace around the holiday. And of course I have everything crossed for a Christmas miracle. IUI #2 WILL WORK!!!! (See -- that's the power of positive thinking!) XOXO

TeamWinks said...

I think I've had that conversation many times with myself. I'm sorry that it hasn't worked yet for you. Hang in there.

Sunny said...

I hope you enjoyed the wine. I have done that MANY a sad night due to IF and the crap it gives you.

I am so sorry!

Lea Bee said...

i'm sorry sweetie.