dreams

Before I start with the post in my head, can I just say how much I LOVE the st.arbucks by work? First, they remembered me when I came back from my leave and made me feel like Norm from Cheers. And then today, after ordering my drink and realizing I forgot my wallet (oops), they told me not to worry about it. Now that is customer service!

Anywho, back to my dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant again. No worries, I highly doubt that I actually am but it still made me think. While I would love to be pregnant again sometime, now is definitely not that time. But this made me realize I need to be a good girl and make my doctors appt. I'm overdue for my annual (I really think I should get a pass on that...how many times was a doc up in my business already??) and while I'm there I'll talk to him about the testing for the BRCA gene and how that would effect future treatments. While he probably won't be as knowledgeable about it all as my RE, he does do some infertility treatments so it'll at least be a step in my info gathering phase. And it is a step that is covered by my insurance.

And for nightmares, a woman I work with just found out she is pregnant with her second girl. Apparently that is her worst nightmare. I honestly didn't even know what to say. I did say "I'm so glad the baby is healthy and fine" to which she replied, "Of course". But the best part of it all is that her husband is mad at her! I guess he missed the news that the sperm determines the sex. Ahh...ignorance at its finest.

Last Chance

to vote for Mel!! If you haven't done it yet, you MUST click over right now and vote for Stirrup Queens.

week 1 down

I think Sweetness caught on yesterday that the bottle was her only daytime option. At her 2 feeds she ate 3.5 and then 4 oz. I still need to look up and see how much she should be getting but at this point any increase is progress in the right direction. And I have decided that there is some consistency to her inconsistency...she has 1 great night followed by 1 horrific night. That's the pattern. We do the same exact bedtime routine at roughly the same time but it doesn't seem to matter. The only thing I have noticed is that the closer to 7:30 she goes to sleep, the better the night is. Last night was 8:20. We did start the bedtime routine around 7 but she decided to go back for seconds and thirds at the all you can eat boob buffet.

So thanks for your help and advice. And I know this is all to be expected and it'll get easier for me. (she's doing just fine). Yesterday was the first time she's had a 'first' without me and it kinda sucked. But I did ok, and was just as excited when I saw it later on that night. And as an aside this is a first that could greatly help our sleep...she took her pacifier out and put it back in her mouth all on her own!! Now if only she could manage that hand-mouth coordination at 2 AM!!

consistency

That's all I'm asking for. But I guess it is way too much for a 4 month old to give. Monday night she slept amazing, Tuesday night was another story. Up pretty much every hour or so. Sometimes screaming, sometimes all smiles. Made yesterday a mess. And then last night was almost as perfect as could be. I just don't get it.

The whole barely eating from the bottle thing is killing me though. Because she slept so badly the other night I didn't wake her up before I left, just pumped and left a bottle for Mr H. She ate 1.5 oz. Her next bottle, about 2 oz and the next, well that just put her over the edge and she barely touched it. So then when I got home and was feeding her before bed, she was ravenously hungry. She ate like she has never eaten before. Typically she drains a side in under 10 minutes and is done. Last night's feeding lasted almost 40. Which of course broke my heart. I just sobbed as she was eating. I know she'll get used to the bottle and it will get better but right now I just feel like I am completely failing her. My poor baby spent all day hungry, probably waiting for me, and I wasn't there for her. It kills me. Being exhausted didn't help though. Today I'm much more well rested and my boss, once again proving how awesome she is, told me to come in at 9:30 today. So I got to sleep in a little and spend the morning snuggling Sweetness.

And the only good thing about having to pump at work...I am now caught up on everyone's blogs and actually have time to post myself!! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I should probably be working...

thanks

You all are pretty darn amazing. Thanks for checking in, emailing, and joke telling. I'm not going to lie...the day pretty much sucked but I made it through in one piece. There were a few highlights though:

- Mr H telling me when I got home that "she's a lot of work". Nice for him to finally realize that!
- my boss approaching me about starting a Virginia branch of our outreach division with me leading it up. Best part about this...it is a work from home position. We'd still need some type of part-time childcare for times I am with families or clients, but Sweetness could be home with me probably 3 days a week. How awesome would that be! It all probably wouldn't get put into motion until the new school year starts in July but it sure would be easier to get up and leave her every day knowing it was short term.

The negatives:

- Sweetness barely slept at all and apparently screamed bloody murder for large chunks of the day. Even her new-found blankie (this was the best accidental discovery ever) couldn't console her.

- While we're lucky she will take a bottle, she pretty much will only take the edge off her hunger with it. Yesterday morning she only ate 2.5 oz. And then for the afternoon...well apparently she will only submit herself to the indignity of a bottle once per day. She wouldn't touch the thing. So she was one hungry girl by the time I got home. I think I spent most of the evening nursing. Today she chowed down and finished a full bottle so hopefully this was a short-lived protest.

oh...another good thing. She had her best sleep ever last night!! Went down around 7:45, woke up at 1:30 to eat and then went right back down until 6:30. Now if only I hadn't had crazy insomnia from 1:30-4 I might feel a little bit rested!

and one more negative...I have now worn the only 2 pairs of non-jeans I have that fit. Not sure what to do about tomorrow?

I feel like I should end on a positive so here's another thanks to all of you. It made me feel so much better every time a new comment showed up in my inbox.

oh...and this is the last thing I promise. Please go over and vote for Mel. We all know how freakin awesome she is...let's make sure the rest of the world knows it too!!

Operation Fill My Inbox

The alarm is set, clothes laid out for tomorrow, bag packed. And yes, tears shed. Just mine so far but tomorrow I know she's going to cry and wonder why I'm not for her.

So to stop me from sobbing all day at work, please fill my inbox with smiles, stories, etc. This way everytime I get a spare minute to check my email, I'll see comments from you all and hopefully not spend the entire day being miserable.

Thanks ladies~you rock!

This is a test

This is only a test.

Except on Monday it's all real. I decided to be a good worker bee and go in for a bit today. Clean out my inbox, read all the changes to plans that have happened since September, review staffing, etc so I can hit the ground running on Monday. I also thought it would be a good idea to see how long it takes me to get out of the house. And apparently the answer to that is longer than I thought!

I knew my office was used for a variety of different things while I was gone. Space is at a premium in a school and there was no way the space would be wasted. I got an email from some people the last day before the break saying that were setting everything back up for me. I guess to them that meant throwing all the furniture in the room and the laptop on the desk. I was so pissed this morning. The laptop was missing cords so I had to rummage through other people's offices to find them. Then I log on and realize it isn't even my laptop. Everything that was saved to the desktop is gone (yes I know, I shouldn't save there anyway) but most importantly, all of my pictures were gone. I need those! And then email on that laptop wasn't working so I ended up in the computer lab. Funny how punishing it can be to try to work over a break. That's what I get for trying to be good ;)

So I've been here an hour and haven't really cried or gotten too sad. I guess being pissed is a good strategy. This morning was hard though. Not only did she have a horrible night's sleep (woke up 9 times over 10 hours, you do the math...there's no long chunk in there), but she also really didn't eat this morning. And now I can't help but think she's going to feel so abandoned this morning. I've been good and haven't called Mr H to check in or anything. It's not that I don't trust him, he just gets frustrated so much faster than me. And Sweetness really picks up on that and won't calm down for him. I guess he'll just have to learn...

Expect a whiny self-indulgent post from me Sunday night or Monday morning. To top it all off, f.acebook is blocked at work! That has been my lifeline to the real world for the last 4 months, what am I going to do? (probably just blog more often I guess)