Monday, December 31, 2007
As ready as I am for 07 to be over, it being over brings to light all of our failures from last year, the broken promises and expectations, the tears, the arguments. Part of me doesn't want it to end, because if it doesn't, then there's still a chance. Don't get me wrong, there were some good moments too...most notably suddenly realizing I'm not alone in all this crap. This IF community is the one silver lining in all this crap. I remember calling Mr H on the way home from my first get together with the DC ladies back in August. He asked how it was (because I was SOOOO nervous beforehand) and if it made me sad, did we only talk about IF stuff. I said great, that they were all normal woman and we talked about normal stuff. He replied that of course everyone was 'normal', but that is when it first struck me, that I was still a normal person, just a normal person dealing with a ton of crap. And it took meeting this fantastic group of women to make me realize that I wasn't some sort of freak or something.
So 07 does have some things lined up in the plus column. But what scares me the most is that in 2008 our journey to get pregnant will, for better or worse, be over. That's not to say we won't have a family, but this is the year that will determine if we have a biological child or not. And that scares the crap out of me. As I sit here convinced that this IUI did not work, I wonder how much more of this I can do. I really do not think I can be one of those women doing IVF after IVF. I'm so emotionally fragile as it is, I don't know where I will find the strength for all that.
So while 2007 brought some disappointment with it, 2008 brings unknowns...and that to me is scarier.
I'll try to end on a positive note here. We are making the yummiest dinner tonight. Filets topped with lobster. So excited for our surf and turf! Not sure what the sides will be, but they aren't that important to me. Last year we decided to stay in, make ourselves a nice dinner, open one of the good bottles of wine, and just celebrate quietly and it was one of the better new years. This year I'll be good and only have a small sip of wine but I'm so excited for dinner!
I hope everyone has a wonderful night and 2008 brings us whatever it is we dream of!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
- the sports bra trick is no longer as effective as it used to be. Today I went down the stairs too quickly and ouch! Makes me mad that it's just pr.ometrium.
- while we're talking about pr.ometrium. I f-ing hate it. I must have gotten lucky last time around and it didn't mess with my mood. But now I'm borderline clinical. I swear, I wouldn't get dressed at all if Mr H didn't need to be constantly entertained. Being off work definitely doesn't help. I've got nothing to take my mind off of every little twinge.
- When I logged onto y.ahoo this morning, they had a piece about this preacher that has come up with (and is of course selling) the Adam and Eve diet. I am not posting a link because I do not want to give this anymore attention than it has already gotten. Seriously people?!?!? Of course their diet was healthier, there was nothing fried, no doughnuts, breads, candy, soda, chips, cookies, etc, etc. They probably ate nuts, berries, and the occasional small animal they managed to catch. Oh, and don't forget about the fruit! I just hate how people package up the same recommendations in different ways to make money and the fact that this preacher has wrapped it into a religious context irks me even more. I've been ranting about this all day long to just about anyone who'll listen. Thanks for being a captive audience.
- so you may remember yesterday when I posted I was up for 2 hours with really weird cramping. I made the unfortunate mistake of giving my kitty some lovin'. So this morning, at 4:13 I felt a cold little nose rubbing mine purring. Very cute, but I was very much asleep. I felt really bad kicking him out of the room. I was then up for the next 2 hours wondering why I didn't have those weird intense cramps anymore. Damned if you do, damned if you don't
- ok, here's the tmi question. It's for all you ladies who've used the f-ing pr.ometrium suppositories. They cause me to get quite....um....irritated. I've got all these little, painful bumps down there. Last time I freaked out and called the dr, thinking I had somehow gotten some random disease from the actual iui. I've tried changing the pantiliner more often, 'freshening up' more often. I even went a little more daring in my last bikini wax but I think that made it worse. Any tips, advice, assvice....anything? It really freakin hurts. Plus, I'm vain and I made myself Ok with having a moldy looking cooch but it is completely different story when you've got a moldy cooch with sore-like things on it. Nasty. If I had the slightest interest in sex, it's loooong gone.
Counting down the days until vacay is over, haven't crossed half of the things off the to-do list...but I have taken plenty of naps!
Friday, December 28, 2007
Yeah...well...I lied. But I said all of those things before some really weird shit started happening. Since I know you are all on the edge of your seats, I'll share every little detail. It all started with flossing (oral hygiene is important people). As I leaned over my sink and reached up to get the floss, my lower abdomen pressed into the countertop. Totally normal thing, probably happens dozens of times any given day. But yesterday it hurt. And I mean it really hurt. It made me gasp out loud and stop what I was going. When I pressed down, my abdomen was hard. Very bizzare. Then last night, I had weird, intense cramping that woke me out of a sound sleep. Now the last time I had that intense cramping that woke me up at night, it was 2 days before the positive in my chemical pregnancy (not that I really want to use that experience as a reference point, it's just all I've got). I was up for 2 hours with cramps that would not go away.
Now I'm only 6dpiui. Rationally, I know it's on the early side for implantation but nothing about this whole experience is rational. I lost rational thought about a year ago. So now I know that I am going to drive myself crazy for the next week. And that I've let Hope sneak in the side door, when I had done such a good job keeping her out.
On the plus side, I found a way to ignore the boobs. Since they really are the biggest liars. Sports bra. Keeps them in so nice and tight, I don't feel a thing. So it's one obsession I've managed to avoid.
Can I just say one more thing about why this better f-ing work? Because we met people at C.actus C.antina last night and I did not have a margarita...that better not be for nothing people!
(thanks for reading along with my nonsense)
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
We had a pretty good christmas on our end. Neither Mr H or I stuck to the limit we set so I walked away from the day with sparkly new diamond earrings and he is the proud owner of a new flat screen tv. It's only money, right?!?! We both rationalized it by saying we've had a hard year.
The big surprise of the day was a very large check from my parents. I still haven't read the accompanying note completely since I cry every time I start. While I still think they don't completely get what we are going through, it was very nice for them to recognize at least one aspect of it. And it'll certainly help the cause.
Since this is the first December break we haven't gone out of town, we are gearing up for some home improvement and crossing things off our to-do list (like yesterday when I realized BOTH tail lights are out on the back of my car....oops). So today was the vet (poor little guy got a clean bill of health though) and the car. Tomorrow, we're painting our bedroom. We've lived here 3 years and it is still two-toned from the previous owners...who for some reason, were very into two-toning rooms.
All of this is to trick myself into keeping busy and not perseverating on this 2ww. I am having such a hard time not being overly hopeful, given that so far, this is the best chance we've had. I promised I would not read into every twinge I get but it's too late on that one. At least I know to not trust a single thing that comes from the boobs...they're dead to me. For some reason, the pr.ometrium isn't having all of the same side effects it did the last 2 times I took it. I am free flowing, not backed up at all! Of course, this makes me wonder if it is really working.
Enough ramblings. If you're back at work today, I hope it's at least slow for you. And if not, enjoy your vacay!
Sunday, December 23, 2007
And speaking of...here's how he 'helped' decorate ;)
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Now the balancing act starts. That fine line between hope and realism. Hope brings about expectations....which just leads to disappointment. It is so hard not to be excited about this cycle. They're sure I had at least 3, maybe 4 follicles. Add the count results to that and how can a girl not get her hopes up?!? But I had such a hard fall earlier this month, I want to do a better job at not setting myself up to be hurt like that. They scheduled my beta for Jan 7...which will be 16dpiui...that is SOOOOO long. How on earth I am going to manage to wait THAT long? Time to make a trip to the dollar store I think
In other news, still fighting this stupid cold. Took a 3 hr nap today, hoping that kicks it out of my system. And I managed to come up with some holiday cheer last night. We had fun decorating the tree and I wrapped all of the presents. It does make me smile to see the tree all decorated, the stockings, and of course, the presents! Out to dinner and drinks with some friends that are back in town for the holiday. I'll be trying the subtle, nursing one drink thing. We'll see how it goes.
Friday, December 21, 2007
I went over to my parents to pick up our christmas decorations and wrap Mr H's present. I got there before my mom and had happily checked out her decorations, the presents under the tree, and had started my wrapping. I noticed she got a neat new Rudolph toy that looks just like the one from the cartoon. My mom gets home and immediately starts talking about my cousin's kids again...how cute their card was, etc, etc. I ignore it all, keep on wrapping. To change the subject, I ask where she got the Rudolph. She starts talking about that and then mentions that it sings and the nose lights up and then here's the kicker....She says, "now all we need is (insert names of cousin's kids) running around pressing it all day long".
I know she said it without thinking it would be hurtful. And I know I should have used that opportunity to educate just how hurtful, thoughtless, and insensitive comments like that are. But where do I even start? Floodgates would open, it'd be verbal diarrhea. How do I say that I've been dreading this Christmas. That I should have a little one obsessively making the damn thing sing to the point we take out the batteries. How do I explain the promise I made to myself last christmas? And that I'm not making it this year. That as much as I want 2007 to be over, I'm petrified of 08. That by the end of 08 this will all somehow be resolved. That Mr H and I are not on the same page in terms of what to do next and that scares the crap out of me. What will that do to our marriage, and to us as individuals? That he doesn't know how he feels about adoption and I do not want to be childless. And yes, I do feel a bit silly that all these thoughts flood my head after one little kids at christmas comment but I can't help it. The internal monologue is always running, like the ticker at the bottom of a news show. Yes, something may be going on in the foreground, but somewhere inside of me, these thoughts are running, sprinting even.
I left not long after that comment, and I didn't mention how much it hurt. Here's the kicker...I know she'll say that same thing again, to someone in my family while I'm around. I don't know if I'll be strong enough to say something then either.
I didn't let her completely ruin my night. We tried out a new pizza place close by. Mr H is originally a New York man and constantly laments that there is no place to 'grab a slice', but this met his criteria...thank goodness. And we talked and he made me feel better. But we didn't decorate our tree, I just didn't have it in me.
Oh and then the trigger! After I did the shot, pushed the plunger all the way in, yada yada, and took it out, when I put it down on the counter, someone some more meds shot out! I'm really hoping that it wasn't as much as it looked like.
Tonight I'll must up some holiday spirit to decorate the tree and then it's up early again Saturday for the IUI. Don't know often I'll be able to check in the next few days (who am I kidding, I'll still be checking all the time) but if you celebrate, have a wonderful christmas, and if you don't....enjoy a few days off!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Ultrasound this morning showed a 17 and 2 15's on the right, and a 14 on the left, lining was 8.9. There were a few smaller ones on both side in the 12-13 range. The tech said it looked like I'd trigger at least 3. Depending on the results of my blood work I'm either going to trigger tonight with the IUI on Saturday or go in for another ultrasound tomorrow morning and trigger tomorrow night with the IUI on Sunday.
I, of course, have no preference. I'd like to make sure those 15's get big enough to have a mature egg in there. And it'll be nice that it's over the weekend so I won't have to take a day off of work, I'm out of leave right now. It does mean that we'll need to drive to the main office in Rockville instead of going to the one near us. Which means Mr H will have to do his business there, instead of at home. I'd actually prefer it that way, I worry that we mess it up somehow driving it in. Also means that we'll be stuck there for the hour and a half in between the wash and IUI. If it wasn't the weekend before Christmas I'd run to the mall or something but there's no way I'm going to deal with all that traffic. I'll bring my ipod and a book and try to relax.
Speaking of the holidays, we are determined to decorate our tree tonight! The decorations are still over at my parents house and I just haven't felt like stopping by there all week. My mom has been giving me a hard time about money lately, she thinks I spent too much on Mr H's present even though she has NO idea what our finances are and that this present, while slightly above the limit Mr H and I discussed (notice I did not say my mom and I), it is well within our budget. I've just had too short of a fuse lately to talk to her. But today, with the thought that we might get 3 follies, I think I can handle it.
And then I still have just a few presents left to buy. Need to get something for my secret santa (actually my frosty friend), my mom (who obviously has not been on the 'good' list lately), and some stocking stuff for Mr H. I'm thinking of just picking up some scratch off tickets for my frosty friend....would you all want that? Otherwise, what can you really get someone for 5-10 bucks?!?!
My nurse just called. We're triggering tonight with the IUI on Saturday. I feel a little bad for Mr H. My cold is still so bad. It'll be like that episode of Friends where Monica refuses to admit she's sick and comes out rubbing ontiment all over herself, coughing and sneezing while asking Chandler, "don't you want me right now??" Yup, that'll be our house tonight ;)
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Came home from work early hoping to catch up on some sleep to kick this cold. As ridiculous as it sounds given what I'm doing to get pregnant, I actually am very anti-medication. I hardly ever take anything (well, again, aside from all these IF meds). Last night I caved and took some nose spray so I could breathe. Still ended up waking up around 4 all congested. So while the cl.omid side effects are gone, I still can't freaking sleep.
Had a really hard time with my f.ollistim injection last night. It was almost as if the needle was dull, I couldn't get it to pierce the skin and then when I did, it really hurt. As long as it all got in there and works though I'll be ok. I really hope I've still got 4 growing at a decent size when I go in tomorrow. Although I don't know how you ivf ladies do it, my right side already feels uncomfortable, like someone is pinching me on the inside.
Wish I had something more exciting to post about, but everything is just blah here.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Pretty good ultrasound. it's CD 9. A 12, 13, and 14 on the right and a 12 on the left. Forgot to ask about lining but I will the nurse calls later on today. They were pleased that everything is growing at the same rate, as opposed to last cycle that had the 17 and 13 on CD 11. So tonight is another Follistim with ultrasound Thursday. They're estimating the IUI to be Saturday or Sunday.
I really want the 12 on the left to catch up and keep up. For some irrational reason, I'll feel much better if there's one on each side. The only time Mr H and I really bicker is when we're driving and giving directions. We're horrible at it. So I just know that last cycle I told all those boys to swim to the left and that when they got to the fork in the road, they scratched their little heads with their little tails (probably turning themselves around in the process) and said "Now her left or my left, she always does this to me, why not use a freaking landmark or something" So, I really want one on each side. It'll get rid of all that confusion.
Apparently I have to go work now. Just found out about a 11:00 conference call...gotta love how well people communicate sometimes. Good thing I didn't have to prepare or anything!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Still coming down with a bit of a cold but I think I'm fighting it off. Hoping all my stupid side effects start to die down now that I'm done with that nasty C.lomid. Ultrasound tomorrow at 7:30, I just want one on each side...that's not too greedy is it??
Sunday, December 16, 2007
We ended up bailing on the concert on Thursday. My lack of sleep for the last 4 nights plus Mr H thinking he was getting that stomach bug kept us in. It ended up being a really good night though, we spent some quality time just hanging out.
Friday we grabbed dinner and it was "Bring your adorable 18 month old to Ber.tucci's night". Out fault for trying to grab an early dinner (still not sleeping at all here). Then, later that night, I was upset when doing my F.ollistim and shot a bunch out before injecting it. I was pissed about that. Then, we had a really long, kind crappy conversation all brought about by the fact that we are not in the same place regarding IVF and adoption. We've still got time before we need to make those decisions. I'm in info gathering mode right now. In the end, it was good that we started the discussion and Mr H does need to know that I'm not 100% sold on IVF.
Saturday I worked in the morning then we drove up to NY for my friend's 30th birthday party. Her husband took 20 of us to N.obu. Fan-freakin-tastic is pretty much all I can say. What sucked was that I was on day 4 of C.lomid and hadn't slept in those 4 days. I can NOT do this drug again. Between the headaches and the night sweats, I don't sleep at all. But it was a great, fun dinner and I'm glad we made the drive up. Being on the train back to Long Island at 1 am with a bunch of drunk 15 year old boys wasn't fun (who gives alcohol to these kids....I still get carded) but the highlight was when I got picked up by one of those young lads! Mr H went to get the car since it was sleeting and I had pointy, fun shoes on. There was just me and this one kid standing there waiting for rides. After pacing around, and without looking at me, he asks, "So, where you going...cuz my mom can totally give you a ride if you want...or something". Not sure if that's good for the ego or not. I totally burst his bubble when I said my husband was getting the car.
Today we went and saw my nieces for a bit since we were in NY and then came back home. I'm trying to fight off a cold but am completely failing since I can't sleep. (can you tell I'm really freaking tired). Tonight was my last C.lomid and I am SO glad. I've got my ultrasound on Tuesday and I'm guessing they'll be another shot of F.ollistim that night.
Still catching up with weekend posts. Oh...and my bloglines is completely messed up, so sorry if I missed you. Over the school break I'm going to make the switch to reader and update my blogroll here...I promise!!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Two quick things. First, last cycle I didn't have any Clom.id side effects until day 3. Not anymore! Took my first pill at 8:30 last night and by midnight I was having night sweats. Totally sucks. I can handle the hot flashes (in fact its so cold at work I kind of want one) but those night flashes are going to be the death of me. I'm a bad sleeper lately anyway and waking up 3-4 times in a pool of sweat does not help matters. Ok, second thing. In the shower this morning I found stretch marks on my boobs! Which means I was not imagining those symptoms last cycle. But it still sucks...to get stretch marks when I can't even get pregnant.
Going to to go the C.arbonleaf concert tonight (might need a powernap when I get home first). There's a song on their most recent album, "Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat" that just sums up all this cycling crap. I hope they play it.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Had my day 3 appointment today. I was very happy that it didn't include bloodwork since I'm not a fan of the phlebotomist that was working this morning. Not sure why not though. Ultrasound showed no cysts (yeah) and 6 antral follicles on the right and 4 on the left. Yes, the exact opposite of last month. I still would like that to be higher, but there's not much I can do about it.
So I start ion my 50mg Clom.id tonight through Sunday. Friday and Sunday I've got 150 of F.ollistim. My next ultrasound is on Tuesday. I was so excited to start meds last month and I'm just not feeling it this time. I know I haven't been cycling anywhere near as long as some other people and that I'm just doing IUI. I just can't help but wonder how much of this I can take. Can my heart really break every 30 days and still somehow be whole the rest of the time? I don't know.
I also realized that I just want to be a mom. Yes, that probably seems obvious to many people. But I used to think I wanted to be pregnant. Now, not as much. Yes I would still like to experience pregnancy, but all I really want is the mom part. But now, to me, pregnancy seems like the means to the end. I don't care how I end up getting to be a mom, that part isn't as important to me. Long before we got married, Mr H and I always said that if we wanted more than 2 children, we'd adopt. So I've started to research it a bit. Thing is, I want to somehow protect myself from the heartache of cycling....and adoption doesn't do that. Nothing does really. So I'm not sure which path to take.
Had a very interesting drive to the clinic this morning. They had Rt 50 closed for a motorcade of motorcycle cops dressed up as Santa. There had to have been at least 50 bikes with half of them dressed up as Santa. It made me smile though. Definitely not something you see every day. At least when I called in late to work it was a novel reason.
Monday, December 10, 2007
AF arrived in the middle of the night. It was a lovely moment when I realized that at that particular moment in time, my ears were the only orifice that was not oozing bodily fluids. Lovely image, I know.
I managed to sleep for about 4 hours last night, so I'm just lounging away in bed. Trying to do some work but it's just not happening. I have kept down the 5 saltines I had for brekkie around 9. So I'm counting that as a success.
I am SO glad AF didn't show up until today. I just looked at the calendar and if she had shown up yesterday, I would have been shooting up first at concert on Thursday and then at N.obu on Saturday for my friend's 30th birthday party (which I am SOOO excited for). While I'm fairly certain that it would not be the first time the bathroom at the 9:30 C.lub saw a syringe (local ladies can probably back me up with that) but I still wasn't feeling it. Seems like I'd just be begging for some sort of infection...or someone wanting me to share and not believing me when I repeatedly tell them, "it's not what you think". I would have been alright up in NY, just seems kinda rock star to do it there....plus I can't help but think that their bathroom would be cleaner. But now I don't have to worry about that....and I'm so glad!
Ugg...meds just arrived and are not helping the nausea. Going to take a nap instead of dealing with them, keep your fingers crossed that those crackers stay down!
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Other than my little souvenir, the weekend went way too fast and was exactly what I needed. That side of the family knows about our IF and recent negative and everyone was just wonderful. My cousin's 8 month old is just adorable and I had so much fun with her. And since we're now 'out' about our infertility, it was the first time I've played with a baby and people didn't tell me what a natural I am, or ask when I'm going to get one of my own. It was very refreshing.
And if anyone has any spare prayers, please add my aunt to your list. Her breast cancer is spreading and the meds she had been using to keep it under control (Fe.mera coincidentally) are no longer working. So chemo is her next step. I'm so glad we were able to make it down there for her birthday.
And it looks like I didn't need to take my meds for any extra time, AF still hasn't shown up, although right now I'm glad.
Alright, Mr H is back with my drugs, some red Gato.rade (my fave) and ginger ale. Isn't he the best??
updated at 9:00--lost my battle with the porcelin god. I am such a baby when it comes to puking
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Now while I did say I was Ok..well...that's a lie. So please indulge me in my few minutes of wallowing, whining, and tears. And recognize that there have been several glasses of wine involved tonight. Here is why I needed this cycle to work. In June 2006 at my annual exam, my gyno looked over my charts and told me to give it 6 more months. She said if I wasn't pregnant at Thanksgiving, to call and make an appointment. Every single day in December I put off making that phone call. As much as I knew there was a problem...and I wanted to fix it....I just couldn't say it out loud, or admit it. Finally, right before Christmas, AF showed up again. The very next day, I got up the strength to call and make my appointment. The only way I did was by telling myself over and over again that Christmas 06 was going to be the last Christmas I spent child-less. I promised myself that I would at least be pregnant by Christmas 07. And I'm not. And I am not ok with that.
Ok, I've cried my tears and will move on, I just had to get that out. It sucks to break a promise, especially one you made to yourself. And on a lighter note, looking at a calendar, IUI #2 just might fall on Christmas Eve...meaning there's still a chance I could be pregnant for Christmas 07...I just wouldn't know it at the time ;)
thanks for all the hugs...I love them!!
Surprisingly ok, just ok, but as Mr H put it this morning, OK is pretty damn good right now. I'm sure it'll hit me a bit more later, like when the next round of meds arrives!
I'm going to see if I can stay on the pro.metrium for just 2 more days. We're supposed to go down to FL for my Aunt's 60th birthday this weekend. She's my god mother and has been fighting breast cancer for the last 5 years. When we bought our tickets down, we made sure they were refundable in case this cycle was a bust, knowing that I'd probably have CD3 b/w and u/s that weekend. Mr H and I talked about it last night and at this point, we've waited 2.5 years, what is 2 more days. I'd much rather spend the weekend surrounded by my family. And I don't want IF to take that away from me too. We're going to stay with my cousin, she and I are just 16 months apart and have always been super close. Some of her TLC is exactly what I need right now. So I'm thinking of taking my dose tonight and tomorrow morning. That should be enough for AF to stay away until Saturday.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
To add to the minus column, really bad cramps last night, AF style. But for the plus side, this is my longest LP ever. So we're still pretty even. Had a google emergency last night. About 2 hours after inserting my Pr.ometrium, I went to the bathroom, and the capsule fell out. I really wanted to take another but everything I found said that if its in for 20 minutes, you got all the meds. Hoping Dr Google is right. Of course that couldn't have happened with my morning dose so I could call the nurse.
Thanks again for the support and good wishes. I'll be testing tomorrow morning before my beta. Not sure when I'll be able to update that day
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Oh, and another note to self: When 13 dpiui, do not wear your red (really blood red) underwear. I swear I cursed every single time I went to the bathroom today (which was a lot). The pr.ometrium drips do not help that situation either (sorry, that was probably a bit tmi)
Still no AF-type cramps, so that's a plus. Still waking up all sweaty, a minus. Still crazy huge, painful boobs, a plus. Face so broken up I need to dip it in a vat of concealer, a minus. Still no spotting, another plus. Yes, I literally have a plus/minus table going here. Problem is, all of the plus signs can all be explained by the Pr.ometium.
At this point, as much as I want a positive, I just want to know and move on if I have to. I'm tired of this freaking wait.
Thanks for all the good thoughts though, I appreciate it. And I love all my new commentors (not sure if that's a word). I promise to update my blog soon, but you're all in my bloglines and I love reading your stories!
Monday, December 3, 2007
I woke up at 5 this morning with crazy night sweats (not sure if that's considered morning sweats). And I usually get those the day before AF shows up so of course I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I laid there thinking about every single thing I'd done over the last 2 weeks and ever little twinge I've had.
I managed to fall back asleep after my alarm went off and just went in a little late to work. Get to work and what is the very first thing I do, spill my entire coffee over my desk...and myself. At least my first thought was 'Save the Laptop!' but I'm all sticky now and everything else that was on my desk was ruined. Thankfully I had cleaned and organized Friday afternoon, usually my desk is a disaster area. Of course, I was so tired that I splurged for a half-caff this morning and it just got wasted! I've got a bunch of meetings that I forgot about and I forgot that Mr H's friend is crashing with us the next 2 nights. Uggg....
Today is 12dpiui. I managed to stay strong and not test the last 2 mornings. For me, getting AF is somehow easier that seeing those white screens staring back at me. At the same time, after today, I'd really love to pop open a bottle of wine tonight and NOT share it with anyone else. But I won't, because you never know. (Or I'll cave and test...and then pop open my bottle). I know I'll have to test Thursday morning before my beta. I need to know so I can brace myself for the phone call. This is the worst part of the 2ww, I can always make it through the beginning no problem. And this one is even worse since I can't help but think that it is the first time we've had a fighting chance.
To end on a positive, I had a fantastic time at the DC Metro bloggers Cookie Exchange yesterday. Thanks so much for hosting Leah. It was wonderful to see everyone!
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Enough of that depressing crap. Let me tell you about my otherwise fantastic Friday night. My MIL always just writes us a check for the holidays and ever year we do something practical with it. And this year we were planning on doing the same. She's overly generous with her gifts so it would almost cover all of my meds for this next IUI (if necessary). Instead, the fantastic Mr H tells me that his mom wanted to make sure we did something fun so instead she got us tickets to go see Av.enue Q. I'm pretty gullible and easily get excited for a night out. We go out to a fantastic to a place with a great pre-theater menu (I was so pleasantly surprised by this restaurant) and then walk over to the show. The whole time Mr H is telling me that his mom did a bad job with the seats, they suck, on and on. We get there, he walks right past all the ushers and brings me to front row center...right behind the conductor. I was so surprised! He did it all (and I should have know that his mom is not computer savvy enough to buy tickets for anything online). He actually got lucky and when he was buying the tickets last week he told the guy he was trying to plan a nice date for his wife b/c she'd been down lately and the guy at the box office upgraded him! See, it can pay to be miserable and depressed ;) It was a fantastic show. One where you definitely want to be up close to see all of their facial expressions. I need to download one of the first songs, It Sucks to be Me. I see it becoming a key staple in my pity party rotation.
Today started out fun. Met my almost sister in law in Clarendon for a meeting with the florist. I just love her (my almost sister, not the florist, who was nice) and can not wait for her to officially be my sister. I am so lucky my brother picked someone I actually like. After that I had to rush home to change. I had meetings with 2 families today. Sucked to work 5 hours on a Saturday but that money should totally cover Christmas shopping this year.
And tomorrow is the cookie exchange with the DC Stirrup Queens. And that means I must get myself in the kitchen!!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
8dpiui and other than RandMcN.ally scattered across my chest, nothing else is going on. I'm going to try to wait until Sunday to test. That'll be 11 days. I want to make sure that darn trigger is out. Plus, I usually only have a 12-13 day LP so Sunday wouldn't really be that early. But, like I said, I'm going to try to wait. I make no promises.
Mel has a great post on why Christmas just sucks sometimes. I hate that I don't enjoy the holidays as much as I used to. And I know my family resents that I spend more time with the in laws since they don't celebrate Christmas. Even being around my niece for Hanukkah is easier than my cousin's kids at Christmas, not sure why. I've stopped sending out cards...because I don't want to get them back in return. Last year I got 2 cards where people announced their pregnancy. Talk about being blindsided. Since I can't hibernate, I've just stopped getting the mail. Mr H still does every few days but the catalogs go straight into the recycling bin, they never even make it into the house. Not sure what I'll do with the cards and newsletters when they inevitably start pouring in, I guess save them for a good day...I do have them occasionally.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Thanks for all of the insurance tips. I never thought that switching would make a difference. In fact, I was scared to switch in case suddenly all of this became a pre-existing condition. I will have Mr H talk to his HR people about it all. It's open season at his work and we looked at a lot of other plans but ours actually had the best coverage so we'll stick with it for now.
Ok, here's where I'm hoping someone out there in blogland knows someone or has a cousin of step sister's in law's dogwalker (you know, the one that always ends up pregnant while on the pill) in the jewelry bizz. When we got engaged, I bought Mr H a really nice Br.ietling watch as his engagement watch. I figured I shouldn't be the only one with something nice to wear. About 2 months later, his dad passed away and left him his old Tag watch. Both are really nice watches and both look almost exactly the same. Last year I went to the jeweler's to see if I could get a leather band for the Tag, so they'd be different and he might wear it more. They told me they couldn't do it. Now I'm about to start a much more aggressive campaign for info but if anyone out there knows a jeweler, a watchmaker (does such a profession still exist??) please let me know. I am determined to get him this!
6dpiui now and realized that I haven't started spotting yet. I'm a little scared that I'm starting to get my hopes up. I pretty much always start spotting between 4-7 dpo. I really want to keep on being all pissy and negative (it's such a flattering light to portray myself in, right?) Just going to keep on sitting tight.....I freaking hate waiting!
Monday, November 26, 2007
- I LOVE LOVE LOVE my RE. Seriously. And I know I shouldn't announce my love for him this much since he does get all up in my business and there's a possibility he impregnated me (as an aside, I so want to get this shirt if I get pregnant). On Sunday he called to see if I had any questions following the IUI. Monday morning I emailed him a few of my questions. He called back a few hours later and then after leaving me a voicemail, replied to all of my questions via email. I am going to start expecting this responsiveness from all my doctors! True, I pay him a bit more than a regular ol doc, but I'm still impressed.
- My questions were all about our next cycle (for my mental health, I need to keep moving forward and thinking of plan b). I thought we had a pretty sucky response to the cl.omid and folli.stim. He didn't think just one follicle was a bad thing. I want to be slightly more aggressive and he is thinking Cl.omid again, but this time with Fo.llistom on CD 5 and 7, instead of 9. Not sure what I'm thinking. I need to ask him a few more questions. My biggest concerns are that we only have 6 IUI's covered lifetime. And pie in the sky thinking, I'd like to have 2 kids. Which brings me to my next point...(and brings out the Hyde)
- Why on earth do people seem to think I should only have 1 child? Just because I'm infertile am I not entitled to that american dream of 2.4 kids and the picket fence? Don't get me wrong, I will be beyond thrilled if I have a child but am I supposed to completely give up my dream of a large family? When I've mentioned this lifetime benefit and our plan for 2 children, two different people have expressed shock that we would want more than one child.
- Not sure how I'm going to handle the whole dr thing. I want to walk that fine line between successfully advocating for myself and respecting his knowledge and opinions. It's a pet peeve of mine when my clients or parents of students don't walk that line with me and I do not want to be the name in his inbox that causes him to cringe (since I have more than a few of those)
- my freaking boobs! They HURT! Not quite as much as last month's chemical but still more than any other cycle. I know, I know, it's the meds. At this point, if it's not a pregnancy symptom, I don't want to deal with it. I don't need another part of my body with bruises on it.
Ok, ranting over. Any assvice on the meds or anything else is welcome. And thanks for putting up with me
But Sunday! Sunday we made over 100 bucks returning nasty wedding presents. Yes, I know we've been married for 2 1/2 years but we just finally decided to get all of the crap out of the basement closet. I know if we had done it closer to the wedding we probably would have gotten some more, but at this point, I'll take the 100 bucks! I am a little sad to say that we no longer have por.nographic candlesticks....they were pretty freakin awesome! But the gift card to Bloomies makes me happier. We've got even more stuff on Craigslist so hopefully we'll the present-buying fund will get another little bonus. Had a quiet night with Mr H. Made some turkey chili with leftovers that was great and watched Si.cko. I am now petrified that my insurance is going to find some way to deny the rest of our treatments. It was not a movie I should have watched right now.
And on the symptom front....5dpiui and nada. Cramps I had earlier are gone and I'm just left with crazy sore boobs. Seriously, my bra barely fits right now and I have a big bruise from the stupid wire digging in. It sucks, mostly because it is just the Pr.ometrium talking. Trying to talk myself out of testing to see if the trigger is out of my system. I really don't want to make myself crazy testing early but I know it's inevitable. Apparently I enjoy torturing myself.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
We had a great weekend up in Philly. Jenna commented on my last post and said she hoped my happiness hangover lasted. What a great description! And it certainly did!!! My brother and his fiance decided to come up with us too so we had a fun road trip Friday morning. It was so great to see our friends. They moved in August and we hadn't seen them both since their wedding. I had never been to Philly before. They live in the cutest neighborhood, I just loved it. We had a great afternoon walking around and a fantastic dinner Friday night. The best part was that kids/pregnancy never even registered on the conversation. Partially because they are all part of our IC (inner circle) and know about our IF but also because no one else is in that spot. So for once, I didn't feel inadequate. And since they know about the IF, they didn't raise any eyebrows when I nursed a glass of wine over dinner and didn't drink at any of the bars we went to (as an aside, when will VA go smoke-free???? it is just so nice). Played a little photo hunt for far too long and then called it a night.
Today we walked around the city some more, got ourselves a cheesesteak for lunch, and headed home. This is seriously the best type of hangover ever!
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I posted awhile back about my apple infused vodka. Wow!! So good. And I must give a shout out to LJ and her fantastic bartender of a husband for this recipe. My whole family got a bit silly a bit too early in the afternoon because of it.
We had a great dinner and than played a rousing game of Cra.nium. Tonight was exactly what I needed. I laughed more than I have in weeks (maybe months) and for the first time in a looooonnnnggg time, my tears weren't sad. And tomorrow morning we're heading up to Philly to see some friends we haven't seen in forever. It should be a fun weekend.
Hope you all had just as wonderful a day.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I get to start my Pr.ometrium tomorrow (happy thanksgiving to me) and my beta in scheduled for Dec 6. After the chemical last month I'm not sure if I'll test early or not. Regardless I'll test on the morning of the beta, I need some advance notice of impending bad news.
Hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving. We're going to my parents first thing in the morning and are in charge of breakfast. I'm making apple butter pancakes and Mr H has various meats he's very excited about. And from there...we'll pretty much just eat all day. And of course we have the apple vodka! My brother also made a cinnamon infused bourbon....sure to be a fun afternoon.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Mr H has decided he wants to do his part at home. Of course he decided this too darn late to get a collection cup. So he has decided to get up earlier than he has to, drive there, get the cup, drive home, do his business, then drive back there. Can you tell this is a man who usually takes public transportation? I don't think he has any idea what traffic will be like but it's not me that's driving. As long as he gets that sample to them at 9 I'm not letting myself stress about it. (again HA!)
Thanks for all the good wishes. Keep those good thoughts coming tomorrow around 10:30!! Oh, and for Lea Bea who asked, I did 50 mg C.lomid CD 3-7, and 75 iu F.ollistim CD 9 and 11 with an O.vidrel trigger CD 13. I'm a little upset about not advocating for a more aggressive plan back in August but not only did I trust my doctor and was nervous about the side effects, but I also wanted to respond to a low dose and not need the heavy hitters (especially not that 2nd shot of F.ollistim....that shit burns). But as much as I don't want to, I'm glad we'll bring out some bigger guns next time around.
Monday, November 19, 2007
I was thinking about it last night and I am just so glad that I decided to start blogging. You all are an AMAZING support network that I am so lucky to have. So really, I should be sending out 100 thank yous to everybody.
Now back to business! Had my bloodwork and scan this morning. Sucky part is that my insurance only covers 2 per IUI cycle so this one is going to be out of pocket. But leftie took the hint and grew. It's big enough to trigger. Rightie didn't do a thing, still weighed in at just under 13. In my disappointment over rightie, I don't remember how big leftie is. I'll ask when my nurse calls back later.
So we'll trigger tonight and the IUI will be Wednesday at 10:30. Excited and nervous. It was my dr doing the ultrasound and while he reminded me that it only takes 1, he did say that he wanted to be much more aggressive next cycle and that I did not seem to respond to well to the C.lomid. So I'm glad that we're going to develop a better plan B. Not that I'm planning on this not working...just trying to find that balance between hoping for the best and bracing for the worst.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Other than that, had burgers and bowling night yesterday and I actually almost beat Mr H (I'm a terrible bowler). Must be all those Wii tournaments we have ;) Today we've got a big day...a little Ik.ea, a little Tar.get, good times!
** update (I didn't want to waste my 100th post on a silly update...I know, I'm a dork)
nurse called and told me to take another 75 iu of F.ollistim tonight and to come in for another scan on Monday. I hope this lets the 13 catch up!
thanks for all the info and good wishes!
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Whew! I managed not to psych myself out too much. Had a little bit of a problem drawing it out of the vial and lost a little (is it bad that I wanted to lick it off my counters???) Injection itself didn't hurt at all, but I totally get why so many of you call it Folli-sting.
Thanks for all of your pep talks and advice. I iced myself all up and also put the needle in the fridge.
Off to watch good tv (and maybe have some ice cream too....I earned it, right??)
And tonight's my first injection. So naturally I picked about 3 fights with Mr H last night. Only one of which I had a legitimate reason for being mad at him. Anytime I mention being nervous about the injections, he makes some stupid comment about imagine I'm a diabetic, then I'd be doing it every day. Well I'm not! And it's not insulin I'm injecting, to keep myself alive, it's massive amounts of hormones, in the hopes of creating the possibility of getting pregnant. Very different situations. And then last night I was watching the video from the RE and I'm flinching every time the model injects herself (which btw, who signs up for that acting gig??). Turn around, Mr H says no big deal and pretends to do it to himself a few times. Easy for it to be no big deal for him, it's all pretend to him.
So that was our real fight and then I picked stupid fights with him for the rest of the night. Between my catastrophizing all night long and those stupid night sweats/hot flashes I got no sleep. I'm sitting here in bed exhausted, trying to get up the energy to get in the shower and go to work late and all I can keep thinking is...how did I get here?? And I don't have an answer.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Here are the rules: Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you. Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they’ve been tagged.
1) I've got old arthritic knees. When the ortho diagnosed me and I said "I'm 25, there's no way I can have arthritis", he promptly told me I had the knees of a 65 year old. Lovely to hear.
2) I've been to Afri.ca. I hiked Kilimaj.aro with my dad and brother in the summer of 2001. We didn't summit but it was still an amazing experience. That would be where my knee blew out just prior to discovering it was 65 years old so I'm listed as an official rescue off the mountain and had to fill out TONS of paperwork.
3) I've never had the chic.ken pox growing up. I got vaccinated for it before I left for college
4) Until this fall I never liked hot coffee. I was a hard core tea drinker and it totally threw me and I felt like my whole identity changed. But now I'm over it because there is nothing more delicious than a pepp.ermint w.hite mocha.
5) I went to Catholic high school for 4 years and then like a good girl went and married a nice Jewish boy from Long Island! I recommend the interfaith thing to everyone, it makes visiting family at the holidays SOOOOO easy!
6) I tend to be impulsive and do things without thinking them all the way through. Like when I bought a new car that was a stick shift....without knowing how to drive it. This was made even worse by the fact that I have to drive on both 66 and the Beltway to get to work! I grew to love it though and miss the fact that my car doesn't come in a stick.
7) My car...I drive a Pr.ius and I LOVE it!! I like that it actually looks different from all of the other models that also come as a hybrid. And yes, I am one of those environmental freaks. I try to only buy local fruits and veggies (I can not get Mr H to give up his bananas though) and am really trying to 'minimize' all the junk in my life. (but in full disclosure I must admit that I also LOVE that my car gets my into the HOV lanes on 66 each morning.)
8) My one exception to minimizing....my shoes. I'm sure some of you remember my dilemma when I bought 4 new pairs of shoes in just one store and Mr H's subsequent freak out. I do have a bit of a problem.
Whew....that was harder than I thought it was going to be. Now for the other hard part....who to tag....who to tag???? This will take a minute to figure out who hasn't recently done this. Let's see, how about jenna sais quoi, Farah, Infertility just sucks, LJ, and that's all for now. It's too much of a pain to go through my b.loglines to see who's already done this
**and spell check isn't working on blogger for some stupid reason so I apologize for any typos. I HATE typos....that could have been one of my 8, I am a spelling and grammar geek!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Here's how we start getting ready for the holidays in my family.
Vodka needs a week to infuse....much higher priority than ordering the turkey or anything like that ;)
And all I can come up with is...right back at ya!!
And while I do want to pass the torch, it seems I am a little late in the game. I think everyone on my blogroll or who comments already has the flame. If for some reason I'm missing someone, please consider to torch passed (and just blame it on the Cl.omid)
So I've just got one question: spotting on clo.mid?? Anyone experience that? I've got a call into my nurse but you ladies usually have better info regardless. I'm on CD 7 and the nasty brown spotting started last night. I know that it can mess with your lining and it certainly seems to be doing so! I gotta tell you, it doesn't really inspire that much confidence that this is going to be the wonder drug and in 3 short weeks I'll be pregnant.
oh, and while I've got all you smarties here, let's talk antral follicle counts. During my initial testing in August I had 11, which they said was good. This cycle I had 10, which again they said was fine. Not trusting those silly doctors, I put Dr G.oogle on it. Everything I found suggests that in someone my age (30), 10 follicles isn't that great. Still definitely within the normal range of 10-20, but on the low end of normal. Will definitely talk to my RE about this and it does make me want to be more aggressive next cycle. If I'm already borderline low, what is going to happen in 3-4 years when I want a 2nd child? (I know, I'm getting greedy). Anywho, just wondering if anyone has any other info related to this?
Monday, November 12, 2007
I'm on day 3 of C.lomid. After the first day I stupidly wished for some side effects so I would know it was working. Boy did I get my wish. That night I woke up every 45 minutes or so with crazy horrible hot flashes. I never knew hot flashes were like that and I feel a little bad that I wasn't nicer to my mom when she was going through them. So I was tossing and turning constantly all night long. That was our night in the B&B. Not the romantic night we had been planning.
It was still a great weekend. We went hiking Saturday. It was a little cold and foggy but that just meant that the trail wasn't crowded. Had a fantastic dinner Saturday night. Barely slept that night so we decided to skip the wineries and drive straight home so we could nap before the concert.
B.ruce was AWESOME!!! It was a great show. My brother and his fiance are actually going back tonight, but they're hard core fans.
And now it's back to work. Sucks having to work on days Mr H has off. He was supposed to be playing house husband today but just called to tell me that the blew a circuit and we have no power on the first floor....my handy husband! Of course that's also because he was going to make me dinner tonight.
Will try to catch up on everyone's blogs tonight!
Friday, November 9, 2007
The Curse of My Mother-In-Law's Junk
I like to have a clean house with lots of room. I do not like clutter or decorative junk. I have a few things around, so my house doesn't look "naked" but for the most part, counters are empty, tables are clear, and mantels are unadorned. My mother-in-law is the opposite. She likes her whole house to be decorated to an inch of its life. There is decorative stuff everywhere. She is also not neat or clean, so there is clutter everywhere too. She is always trying to improve me and that includes my house. When we moved in temporarily to a rented house recently, she was full of immediate plans to bring over plants and knick-knacks to fill up my nice clean space. I managed to stop her.
What I cannot stop, is her cleaning out her closet and my father-in-laws closet and giving the stuff to us. She buys tons of new clothes all the time and gives the old ones to us. My husband has more clothes than I do. Usually what I do is to take the bags that she gives us, poke through them briefly, and then give 95% of the stuff to charity. I recently told her that we were not accepting any new clothes or stuff from her. She found a loophole and is now handing my husband bags full of clothes and telling him he "left them" at her house.
My in laws have lots of money. So, usually when they give us stuff, they say things like "that is a $150 shirt." This is to make me feel guilty about giving it away. But in my opinion, if none of us want it, it is a $0 shirt.
Story: Recently my father-in-law offered us a "really expensive" pillow. I asked him why he didn't want it if it was really expensive. He told me (after I forced it out of him) that it was uncomfortable. I asked him why we would want an uncomfortable pillow. He said "but it cost $300!" I told him that it is worth nothing if it is so uncomfortable that no one wants to sleep on it. I offered to take it and throw it away for him if he were squeamish. He said no, and I bet that pillow is in a closet somewhere at their house.
I've managed to stop most of the junk coming to our house and I have stopped showing it to my husband before I get rid of it. (He learned the "but it was really expensive" from his parents.) But I will never be able to stop it completely until one of my husband's brothers gets married. Then they will be more deserving than us and hopefully I won't have to throw so much away!
If you want to see where this blog entry came from, click here. And while you are there, enter my contest!
Thursday, November 8, 2007
(can't get much worse)
Anywho, thanks for all of your support in coming out about our IF. Don't give me too much credit, it was to a very select group of people. And so far so good. Only one off the wall but well meaning response...but she's kind of crazy anyway. One very weird story that started out with someone writing "my childhood neighbor's cousin". As if that isn't a red flag right there. Apparently this girl was told by an RE that she would never get pregnant without fertility meds but then got pregnant accidentally while on the pill while on vacation! Yes, you speed readers read that correctly....while on the pill. Now I don't know about you, but I'm NEVER using any type of birth control ever again. Why....because I'm freakin infertile!!! After that I stopped reading that particular story. I mean maybe they wanted her to have regular periods or something but the while thing seemed a little fishy to me. Obviously she was a little confused. My aunt did ask if she could tell my 14 year old cousin. Seems to me like she's opening a whole can of worms talking to a 14 year old boy about fertility treatments but hey, not my kid. Still not sure how I feel about that one. I'll have to think about it.
oh...and here's why it's getting better. I came home from work today and Mr H had booked us a weekend at a B&B. There are a bunch of wineries around it and some hiking. He had printed out all of this info on it and made reservations at a yummy looking restaurant. I am so excited for a weekend away. And we have to rush back Sunday for the Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce concert that night! (that would be Bru.ce Springsteen) It's going to such a great weekend! Too bad I can't take tomorrow off but I'll make it through. Hopefully all these good things will minimize the C.lomid side effects. Are all of you veterans laughing your asses off at that one???
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
And as soon as I hit send I burst into tears for about 15 minutes. Not sure WTF I was thinking....but it's done....that's the beauty of the internet, there's no taking it back at this point. I'm ok, I know I will be ok with it but I'm just a little bit scared about putting myself out there. Seems like there are so many more opportunities to get hurt....and it doesn't take much. I'm pretty freakin fragile (I must be Italian, huh??).
So we'll see how it goes. Worst case scenario I take down the blog and pretend I never sent that email. My family's Irish Catholic....we can easily forget or repress anything ;)
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
1) all of you ladies. Seriously, we're all going through some serious crap right now, yet you take the time to comment. It's amazing how much better this community makes me feel. Which brings me to the next thing I'm thankful for.
2) I got home tonight and in the pile of mail was my bracelet from Bella Vida. I think she has a few left. I am so excited to wear it and proud to be among so many amazing women (although I wish we had all meant under different circumstances).
3) I'm thankful my RE actually gets back to patients. He said if AF hasn't shown in 4 days to call him. And we can start the IUI as soon it does (my nurse also mention something about sitting out a cycle). And thanks Truculentgirl for mentioning the hysteroscopy, I'll be sure to ask about that.
So that's it, I could only come up with 3, but I think that's pretty darn good all things considered. Thank you all again!!!