Thursday, October 29, 2009

Moving day!!!

If there's anyone out there still reading, I'm moving over to wordpress. I've become ultra-paranoided about something finding my blog and I wanted to be able to password protect some posts. Mostly just so I can vent about family crap. So please head on over to the new and improved alittlesweetness.

**just updated link, sorry!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009 bad

So sorry for the last (non) post. I finally got one of those new fangled ip.hones and apparently the post I painstakingly typed out did not post. It wasn't anything important (as if any of my posts are). I was just very frustrated that I tend to have 1 'normal' 4 week cycle a year and of course, when does it happen?? The first weekend Mr H and I have away in over a year. Every other cycle is 5-6 weeks. Gotta love my body, right?!?! It's still finding ways to f with me!

We did have a great weekend in Colorado for a wedding. Of course, it being a wedding, there was an insane amount of baby talk. The bride has it all perfectly planned out. Exactly when they will start trying, when they will have the baby, etc. I managed to bite my tongue for the most part and just let one, "You never know what Mother Nature will throw at you" slip. And everyone assumed that meant an 'oops' happening before she planned.

The only tough thing about the weekend was that Sweetness got her first fever while I was halfway across the country. Thankfully my mom was with her but I still felt like crap. She's still got a fever that she just can't kick. It's making for long days and sleepless nights. They tested her for both types of flu and she was negative so they said it's just a bug. And, given my luck lately, I know that as soon as she gets over it, I'll be the sick one!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Sunday, September 13, 2009


First, I do have a post in the works regarding the completely UNBELIEVABLE fact that Sweetness turned 1 last week. But that's not what I want to blog about today.

Here's my confession. Since my period returned in the end of June (right when I went to nursing only morning and night), I've been unable to NOT notice when I might be ovulating and unable to NOT try to time things. It's a sickness really, a disease. And of course, I haven't been shocked my period does arrive, right on schedule. Why would I set myself up for this? After 2+ years of unprotected, perfectly timed sex resulted in nothing, you think I would have figured out not to get my hopes up.

What really gets me is that we found a GREAT house the other day. Liked it so much that we went to the open house today. It is almost my dream house. Front porch, nice back yard, tons of storage in the basement, eat in kitchen, etc, etc. And I'm tired of our house. I feel like it is getting smaller by the minute but mostly I'm tired of townhouse living, of hearing my neighbors sneeze. On one side this 60 year old guy plays his war video games so loud, I worry Sweetness is going to grow up thinking she's in a war zone. I'd like to not have the police at my pothead, juvenile delinquent's house on a weekly basis (especially since that does not stop him from dealing all day long). I want a drive way...and a back yard with a playset...and a front porch with rocking chairs where I can have a glass of wine at the end of the day.

We could swing it, it'd be tight because I don't think we'd get as much for our current house as we'd like. But we could make the payments. What is stopping us then?? Our Player To Be Named Later. We're starting to think about another baby. Not seriously because sleeping through the night has become a precious commodity. But we're at the point where we are now thinking about it. And we don't know what it will cost us. We could get lucky and only need to spend about 4000 like we did with Sweetness or we could be looking at 20000 or more. And that makes me mad, down right angry even. And then I get all "It's not fair, woe is me, my life sucks". And I know that's pathetic and my life is wonderful but it still isn't fair. Because IF has taken the whole "white picket fence, house in the burbs with 2.2 kids" and slashed it. It's almost like I can have one or the other.

I know others have said it as well but I want to have a bottle of wine with my hubby and then be surprised 2 weeks later when I'm pregnant. I want to not worry if, with each passing cycle, my eggs are turning more and more to shit. I want to not think about insurance, referrals, HSG, ultrasounds, nurses, blood draws, medication, injections, hot flashes, and failure. God, the failure. Part of me doesn't know if I'll ever be ready to deal with all that again. It was such a dark, dark time where I hated myself. And I don't buy the "you're so young line' anymore. First off, being young didn't help me too much in the beginning. I was 28 when we started trying, 31 when Sweetness was born. If we do decide to head back to the doctor's this spring, I'll be 32 almost 33. Times awasting.

I guess I just want it that so bad???

Friday, August 14, 2009

Following up on the aha

I wrote a little bit back in April about my "aha" moment related to breast-feeding and weaning. Now that we're hitting the 1 year mark I guess it's time to continue the discussion.

I did something that is really rare for me. And I think it's rare for a lot of us who go through IF. I didn't over-think it. I am a BIG time over-thinker. But I tried really hard not to. I didn't research until g.oogle told me to shut the f up. I took the few books I had about breast feeding and took them off my night stand and moved them to the basement. Over thinking used to work for me but it wasn't helping with this. This was too personal. In full disclosure, I did have a few lengthy email convos in June with my breast feeding guru, Perky but she's just an awesome person to talk to anyway. And she told me I should do it however I wanted (gotta love advice like that), that there were no set fast rules. Which I needed to here, because I like systems and rules.

And what I decided then was that, selfishly, I wasn't ready to give it all up. But I was ready to stop pumping. I can not tell you how much I hated feeding the robot twice a day. Some people say that it makes them feel better about being at work, that they're still doing something for their baby. I felt the exact opposite. Every time I plugged in and strapped the horns on I felt like a complete piece of shit. Like I should be feeding her, not a machine. Like having to sit there for 25 minutes twice a day was my punishment for leaving her. Completely irrational, I know, but that's where my head was at. So starting in June ( I made it a birthday present to myself), I started fading out my two pumping sessions a day. I did it really slowly and by the end of the month they were gone. My biggest fear about this was not being able to feed Sweetness over the weekends. But here is where Perky once again proved her expertise and said it shouldn't matter. And she was right. I continued to feed Sweetness on the weekends and my days off until mid-July, when SHE decided she much rather play with toys then stop to eat. I was still a little sad that the feedings were gone but I'm much happier knowing that they stopped on her terms. Her bottles at this point are half breast milk, half formula. Not because I think formula is evil and milk is best. But because the girl is a total food snob and won't take her formula straight up....STILL....2 months after introducing it. It wasn't worth the battle and luckily I had enough in the freezer so it didn't have to be a battle. I am starting that battle with cow's milk though because I am not about to spend beaucoup bucks on formula when I can get a gallon of milk for a fraction of the cost.

So now you're all caught up. I'm nursing her in the morning and at night, much to the shock of myself and everyone around me. I plan on continuing it as long as she wants, not so much for her, but for me. Because like I said back in April, every little ounce I give her means that my body is working. She's occasionally showing some signs of dropping them but then the next day she'll be all about the boob all over again. We're going to an out of town wedding in October and will be gone for 3 days and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the potential end. We'll see.

I've got another post brewing about some of the things I've learned from nursing this past year. As well as all of the things I'd do different if I'm ever lucky enough to get the chance at this again.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

catching up

It's appalling how bad a blogger I've been lately. My apologies. I'm going to try catch up real quick and then will hopefully get better since I'm switching to a part time schedule. Yeah! Forgive the bullets, real posts will follow.

- I'm still having a bit of a hard time with my SIL's pregnancy. Mostly I'm just jealous of how naive they are. They went with us to pick up a new umbrella stroller and bought a cute onesie on a whim. I never would have been able to do that at 14 weeks and it makes me sad.

- I went through a really bad patch with my dad. And it was something I wanted to blog out and I'm a little upset that I never got around to it. It's semi-resolved now but there are still some things rolling around my head that I might get out at some point.

- I'm moving to a 3 day a week schedule in September and I can NOT wait. I'm already getting some shit for it from my boss, which is surprising since it was her idea, but I don't care. I'm hoping it is going to help me find the right balance.

- Speaking of balance, I think whoever came up with the whole work/life balance thing should be shot. I have decided there is no such thing. So, what I've decided to do is just make sure I'm in the moment. Wherever I am, whether it be work or home, will get 100% of me. Now with work, that's sometimes a stretch. But I am getting much better about it at home. (this is also another reason I've been a bad blogger)

- And speaking of people who should be shot, whoever said "9 months on, 9 months off" deserves to be dragged out back and beaten down. Enough said on that one

- Somehow, my little Sweetness is about to turn one. I am in complete shock.

And since I still haven't started on her baby book, below is a list of some of the things she's doing that I will someday include in a baby book when I get off my fat, lazy butt. Feel free to skip it all

- took 2 unassisted steps today! I wish I could say it was towards me, but no, it was to my cell phone
- master crawler, always making a beeline for the cat or his water bowl
- cruising like crazy
- waves bye bye
- gives the bestest, most sloppiest kisses all the time. Just started kissing herself in the mirror
- is in the process of cutting her top two teeth
- has the world's sweetest, cutest giggle I've ever heard
- just developed a love for a stuffed animal, dragging her 'kanga' around wherever she goes

That's all for now. Off to catch up with you all, my reader is out of control right now

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Happy sad

I'm happy sad tonight. Mr H does not understand how one can be happy sad but I know all you out there will. My brother and sister in law, whom I love dearly, just announced that she's pregnant. I am ecstatic for them. It was their first month trying. They got to do the cute announcements to the family via picture frames and teddy bears. I had all those plans once too. Instead I got to email out beta numbers to a select group of people. Like I said, I am beyond happy for them. I love them both, I'm excited for Sweetness to have a cousin from the normal side of the family (Mr H's bro and SIL are a piece of work). But I'm reminded of just how much IF took from us. Of course, I've got Sweetness, and I couldn't imagine any other baby. Right now I'm just surrounded by people who have been able to plan their families down to the month. It boggles my mind. So it makes me happy sad. I've been trying to go to sleep for about an hour and half already but I keep going over this in my head. Now that it's out, hopefully I'll be too...