Happy sad

I'm happy sad tonight. Mr H does not understand how one can be happy sad but I know all you out there will. My brother and sister in law, whom I love dearly, just announced that she's pregnant. I am ecstatic for them. It was their first month trying. They got to do the cute announcements to the family via picture frames and teddy bears. I had all those plans once too. Instead I got to email out beta numbers to a select group of people. Like I said, I am beyond happy for them. I love them both, I'm excited for Sweetness to have a cousin from the normal side of the family (Mr H's bro and SIL are a piece of work). But I'm reminded of just how much IF took from us. Of course, I've got Sweetness, and I couldn't imagine any other baby. Right now I'm just surrounded by people who have been able to plan their families down to the month. It boggles my mind. So it makes me happy sad. I've been trying to go to sleep for about an hour and half already but I keep going over this in my head. Now that it's out, hopefully I'll be too...

If it ain't broke, does it need to be fixed?

I've got 12 minutes before I have to wake Sweetness up to take her to PT so I figured I'd use my time productively writing a post as opposed to mindlessly playing on F.acebook. Because this is productive!

Mel had a great post about resolving infertility that put into words what I've been feeling so much better than I ever could. I just assumed that when I had a child, through whatever means it took to get said child, that I wouldn't have to deal with IF anymore. Well you know what they say about assuming. I've read other bloggers for whom it's true but for me, personally, it couldn't be more false. Yes, the childlessness is gone and the gaping hole in my heart has been filled but I'm still stuck feeling broken. The thought of doing this whole thing over again to give Sweetness a sibling weighs down on me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not laying in bed crying over this 24/7. I do try to enjoy every second of her sweet baby-ness, partially because I know better than to take for granted that I might get to experience it again. But the slightest trigger brings it all back. Could be someone asking me what I'll do different for #2 or of course, someone joking that I've been fixed and better be careful because they know [insert random 16 degrees of separation here] who got pregnant without treatments for their second.

All the language around the IF urban legend of getting pregnant after treatments doesn't help the feelings of brokeness. So many people have used the verb "fix" when giving me their un-solicited assvice. Yet they tell me not to use "broke". Huh???

So with 1 minute left, that's where my head is at. I was trying not to blog about it too much. I mean really, who wants to read about someone lucky enough to have a baby complain about IF or feeling broke. But I might be blogging it out more often, just to clear my head. So thanks in advance for putting up with me.

Playing hooky

I had to take Sweetness to her 9 month appt this morning. Of course they were running late. We get in the car to drive to work and what should take 5 minutes to get the highway takes 20. So I was bad, turned around and am playing hooky. I just didn't see the point of spending an hour in the car, working for 2 hours, then spending another hour and a half in the car to get home. Hopefully I can do enough work this afternoon and this weekend that I can still count the day. I've got no time saved up at all so every day I don't work my paycheck gets docked. Today is worth it though...it's been pouring for 2 days and the thought of sitting in all that traffic. Uggg.

Of course I'm blogging...not working.

Sweetness's appointment went well. I'm questioning their scale though. I weighed her at home the other day using the oh so scientific method of me getting on the scale and then holding her on the scale and she was much heavier. Doesn't matter though. More importantly, we finally got the all clear on the heart issues she had at the hospital. A nice regular rhythm and no need for any more follow up. Thank goodness. Nothing else really mattered.

Off to try to get some work done...

Randomness

- Thanks for the birthday wishes. How lucky am I to share my day with these ladies?

- I had a good day. Kind of weird at times though, it was the first birthday since my dad left. And part of me thinks I sound like a 6 year old saying that. I'm an adult, it shouldn't matter...but it does.

- Still haven't resolved what to do about the whole weaning thing. And I am really stuck on the fact that things are, for once, working as they should. On the flip side, pumping at work is becoming more and more of a hassle. I hate feeding the robot twice a day for 30 or so minutes.

- I had my annual last week. He asked when we were going to start trying for #2. Yikes! Ummm...I have no idea. He did say just to call up and he'll give me a referral back to my RE. I questioned him about the whole BRCA gene and if he thought I should get tested. He was fairly non-committal but said that about 10% of cancer is genetic and the rest is just bad luck. His recommendation was to think about what I would do if it was positive and go from there. I think, that right now, I'm going to wait on it. The test isn't going anywhere, I'm taking all the appropriate proactive steps, and to be perfectly honest, I just don't want to start the whole rigmarole of doctors appointments and tests that it would inevitably be.

- Work--I have never been less motivated in my entire life. I hate that I've become one of those people that is just punching the clock and working for the paycheck. My co-workers and students deserve better but I just don't have it in me.

- Sweetness--is freaking unbelievable! I can not believe she'll be 9 months old on Thursday. Where does the time go??? She's crawling like a mad woman, babbling like crazy, pulling up on everything and her sole mission in life is to eat the cat's tail. She eats better than I do. Tonight for her appetizer (otherwise known as "something to shovel in her mouth while I feed the cat and get her real food ready) she had some cheese, grapes, and chickpeas. All I'd need is a glass of wine with that and it'd be like tapas! Then she had a summer squash medley, then peaches and some yogurt. I had a hot dog...so not fair. And I am proud to say that she's been sleeping through the night for the last 3 weeks. She finally dropped that night feed. I'm really glad I let her do it on her own. So many people were telling me she never would and I should just stop feeding her but not feeding a hungry baby just seemed mean to me. She now goes to bed around 7 or 7:30 and sleeps through until 6:45-7:15. It's perfect!

- Bloggy maintenance. So here's the deal with why I haven't posted in ages. Both blogger and wordpress are blocked at work. What do you all think about typepad? Is it worth the money? And can I password protect some posts but not others? I'm thinking that's the road I want to go down but I'm not sure. (and as an aside, that's another reason I'm annoyed with work, no blogging or facebook). Hopefully I'll switch to a new site soon and can be back to blogging soon. Still won't help my commenting problem...working on that one

Thanks for those of you who check in...I so appreciate it!

What works

Isn't it funny how our "Aha" moments pop up out of nowhere sometimes? I had been doing some serious soul-searching lately on my indecision about weaning. As background, I was never a breast is best person. I figured I'd try breastfeeding, give it a month and a good solid effort, but if it was too much I was perfectly happy switching over to formula. In fact, I committed what many consider to be a cardinal sin of breastfeeding...having formula in the house before the baby was born. Now some will remember my freak-outs and visits with the lactation consultants back in September. Not long after that I became sort of zen about it. I was going to give it my month and then decide without regrets or looking back what to do.

Well, Sweetness will be 8 months old next week and I am starting to have some serious ambivalence when I think about weaning. She's in the process of dropping her night feeding and even that makes me sad. And I've been trying to figure it all out. Why am I so invested in something that was never very important to me? I've been driving poor Mr H crazy talking about it ad naseum when I had my "aha" moment yesterday. It just came out, as if I had been knowing it all along.

I was talking to a co-worker (and good friend) who just came back from maternity leave and our converstation went something like this:

Co-worker: "I can't believe you're still nursing and pumping at 8 months. You always thought that wouldn't be you"
Me: "Don't be surprised, it's purely selfish"
CW: "There's nothing selfish about it, plus you aren't one of those martyr people, you never even mention it."
Me: "It's completely selfish, this is the longest time my body has worked and I don't want to go back to being broken."

Just like that it came out of my mouth. I wasn't even aware I even thought it. And that's really it. Right now my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing...making milk. I still haven't had a post-partum period. I don't want to go back to messed up cycles and the like. Because then I'm broken again.

I wish realizing had helped me come to terms about what to do in regard to weaning. But at least now that I better understand myself, hopefully I can start making progress in that direction.

Workin for a livin

Look at me, 2 posts in 2 days!!

Just a little disclaimer that posts like this used to drive me CRAZY, so I won't be the least bit offended if someone decides not to read.

I went back to work in January then took another leave in mid February. I say I did this because Sweetness needs PT but in really, it was for me. Work was fairly understanding and let me come in just one day a week.

I've had a love/hate relationship with working one day a week. On one hand, I love being home with Sweetness. She is just the most fun right now, learning something new every day. But I am someone who hates not giving 100% and not doing my job well. And being in 1 day a week just sucked. I would start dreading it the day before. I would have to spend the beginning part of the day getting caught up in changes to treatment plans and then would spend the rest of the day feeling completely ineffective because while my position is important to the development of the program, in terms of day to day operations, I'm not missed that much. And feeling that replaceable kind of sucks.

So starting in April I've been going in 2 days a week. Mostly to ease myself back into full time, which will have to happen in May. And that thought I really hate. I've gotten over all my issues with the Spanish speaking nanny. I made myself some flashcards and we've gotten pretty good at communicating to each other. As an aside, I think she really appreciates the effort I've made to learn some Spanish (the other family in the nanny share just calls her son to translate for her) and suddenly it seems that she knows more english than she did before. But I just don't want to work full time at all. I know it is short term and that in September I'll be job sharing, working 3 days a week...but I don't want to do that either.

This will probably be controversial and I am not saying that fertile parents don't love their kids, but I really think that in light of everything it took to get Sweetness here, I don't want to miss a single second of her growing up. I could care less that I hardly ever shower, that money is tight, that today I left the house with dried up Puffs on my shoulder. What I care about is that she takes her best naps snuggled up on my chest, that her whole body smiles when Mr H or I walk into a room, and that her giggle is the sweetest sound I've ever heard in my entire life. I don't want to take a single moment of all that for granted because I know that I am incredibly lucky and blessed to have been given such a gift.

Of course none of this is news to anyone. Most working moms miss their kids during the day and wonder if they are doing the right thing. But for some reason, the idea of working sends me right back to the brink of being depressed all the time. And I hated when I was depressed all the time. Plus I always figured that I was depressed all the time because I wanted a baby and couldn't have one. Now I've got the baby and the depression comes back?!?! I don't think it's PPD, since she's almost 8 months old, just 'plain ol I hate how some things in my life are' depression.

Which is equally ridiculous because I really am the luckiest person in the world. And I know it. I've got a husband who is an equal partner in pretty much every way and a healthy happy baby. What right do I have to complain??

There are no good answers here I know. We have no money and are slowly blowing through our savings. And while we're very lucky that Mr H's job is extremely secure, as is mine, it is still a bad time to be out of work. I guess mostly I'm just surprised that if we won the lottery, I would walk away and not look back. I always thought I'd be a super mom and wouldn't want to give up my career. But now it's career....what career? And super mom...what a joke!

Kudos to you if you've read through all these ramblings. I so miss blogging, getting it out there usually helps me to see everything clearer. Here's to getting over myself, right?

More bullets

Once again, my vow to become a better blogger has failed. This time I at least had some good reasons. And so once again, the last few weeks in bullets


- A few days after my last post, Mr H's soon to be 99 year old nana fell and broke her hip. Nana is an amazing woman. She was still living on her own, doing her own cooking, cleaning, and shopping until August. In August she got what her doctor called "the worst case of ge.nital h.erpes" he had ever seen. Mr H and his mom where mortified but I so hope to be 98 years old and getting STD's. Anywho, after that they moved her up to NY into assisted living. When she broke her hip, the doc said she had the body of a 70 year old. They did a hip replacement surgery on her and she's now in rehab. Imagine an extremely stubborn person who had been doing everything a certain way for the last 99 years now re-learning how to walk, sit, put her shoes on, etc. It is not going well.


- About 2 days after Nana's hip surgery, Mr H's step dad found out he needs to heart valves replaced. This is open heart surgery. At this point it becomes somewhat comical as he has diagnosed, but untreated, OCD and anxiety induced hypochondria. Cutting someone like that's chest open and cracking his ribs....definitely worst nightmare. My poor MIL has started taking meditation classes


- About 2 days after we found out he needed heart surgery, my mom had another breast cancer scare. She was sent for round after round of mammograms and ultrasounds and ultimately told to come back for follow up in 3 months. This has happened before but it doesn't get any less scary, especially because my aunt (her sister) has been fighting breast cancer for the last 6 years.


So this is why (along with two trips to NY, one to FL and a drama filled visit from my dad) I fell back off the blogging wagon, my apologies...


more to come soon (I promise) on my working mom guilt and how IF is still coloring so much...