Thursday, October 29, 2009

Moving day!!!

If there's anyone out there still reading, I'm moving over to wordpress. I've become ultra-paranoided about something finding my blog and I wanted to be able to password protect some posts. Mostly just so I can vent about family crap. So please head on over to the new and improved alittlesweetness.

**just updated link, sorry!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009 bad

So sorry for the last (non) post. I finally got one of those new fangled ip.hones and apparently the post I painstakingly typed out did not post. It wasn't anything important (as if any of my posts are). I was just very frustrated that I tend to have 1 'normal' 4 week cycle a year and of course, when does it happen?? The first weekend Mr H and I have away in over a year. Every other cycle is 5-6 weeks. Gotta love my body, right?!?! It's still finding ways to f with me!

We did have a great weekend in Colorado for a wedding. Of course, it being a wedding, there was an insane amount of baby talk. The bride has it all perfectly planned out. Exactly when they will start trying, when they will have the baby, etc. I managed to bite my tongue for the most part and just let one, "You never know what Mother Nature will throw at you" slip. And everyone assumed that meant an 'oops' happening before she planned.

The only tough thing about the weekend was that Sweetness got her first fever while I was halfway across the country. Thankfully my mom was with her but I still felt like crap. She's still got a fever that she just can't kick. It's making for long days and sleepless nights. They tested her for both types of flu and she was negative so they said it's just a bug. And, given my luck lately, I know that as soon as she gets over it, I'll be the sick one!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Sunday, September 13, 2009


First, I do have a post in the works regarding the completely UNBELIEVABLE fact that Sweetness turned 1 last week. But that's not what I want to blog about today.

Here's my confession. Since my period returned in the end of June (right when I went to nursing only morning and night), I've been unable to NOT notice when I might be ovulating and unable to NOT try to time things. It's a sickness really, a disease. And of course, I haven't been shocked my period does arrive, right on schedule. Why would I set myself up for this? After 2+ years of unprotected, perfectly timed sex resulted in nothing, you think I would have figured out not to get my hopes up.

What really gets me is that we found a GREAT house the other day. Liked it so much that we went to the open house today. It is almost my dream house. Front porch, nice back yard, tons of storage in the basement, eat in kitchen, etc, etc. And I'm tired of our house. I feel like it is getting smaller by the minute but mostly I'm tired of townhouse living, of hearing my neighbors sneeze. On one side this 60 year old guy plays his war video games so loud, I worry Sweetness is going to grow up thinking she's in a war zone. I'd like to not have the police at my pothead, juvenile delinquent's house on a weekly basis (especially since that does not stop him from dealing all day long). I want a drive way...and a back yard with a playset...and a front porch with rocking chairs where I can have a glass of wine at the end of the day.

We could swing it, it'd be tight because I don't think we'd get as much for our current house as we'd like. But we could make the payments. What is stopping us then?? Our Player To Be Named Later. We're starting to think about another baby. Not seriously because sleeping through the night has become a precious commodity. But we're at the point where we are now thinking about it. And we don't know what it will cost us. We could get lucky and only need to spend about 4000 like we did with Sweetness or we could be looking at 20000 or more. And that makes me mad, down right angry even. And then I get all "It's not fair, woe is me, my life sucks". And I know that's pathetic and my life is wonderful but it still isn't fair. Because IF has taken the whole "white picket fence, house in the burbs with 2.2 kids" and slashed it. It's almost like I can have one or the other.

I know others have said it as well but I want to have a bottle of wine with my hubby and then be surprised 2 weeks later when I'm pregnant. I want to not worry if, with each passing cycle, my eggs are turning more and more to shit. I want to not think about insurance, referrals, HSG, ultrasounds, nurses, blood draws, medication, injections, hot flashes, and failure. God, the failure. Part of me doesn't know if I'll ever be ready to deal with all that again. It was such a dark, dark time where I hated myself. And I don't buy the "you're so young line' anymore. First off, being young didn't help me too much in the beginning. I was 28 when we started trying, 31 when Sweetness was born. If we do decide to head back to the doctor's this spring, I'll be 32 almost 33. Times awasting.

I guess I just want it that so bad???

Friday, August 14, 2009

Following up on the aha

I wrote a little bit back in April about my "aha" moment related to breast-feeding and weaning. Now that we're hitting the 1 year mark I guess it's time to continue the discussion.

I did something that is really rare for me. And I think it's rare for a lot of us who go through IF. I didn't over-think it. I am a BIG time over-thinker. But I tried really hard not to. I didn't research until g.oogle told me to shut the f up. I took the few books I had about breast feeding and took them off my night stand and moved them to the basement. Over thinking used to work for me but it wasn't helping with this. This was too personal. In full disclosure, I did have a few lengthy email convos in June with my breast feeding guru, Perky but she's just an awesome person to talk to anyway. And she told me I should do it however I wanted (gotta love advice like that), that there were no set fast rules. Which I needed to here, because I like systems and rules.

And what I decided then was that, selfishly, I wasn't ready to give it all up. But I was ready to stop pumping. I can not tell you how much I hated feeding the robot twice a day. Some people say that it makes them feel better about being at work, that they're still doing something for their baby. I felt the exact opposite. Every time I plugged in and strapped the horns on I felt like a complete piece of shit. Like I should be feeding her, not a machine. Like having to sit there for 25 minutes twice a day was my punishment for leaving her. Completely irrational, I know, but that's where my head was at. So starting in June ( I made it a birthday present to myself), I started fading out my two pumping sessions a day. I did it really slowly and by the end of the month they were gone. My biggest fear about this was not being able to feed Sweetness over the weekends. But here is where Perky once again proved her expertise and said it shouldn't matter. And she was right. I continued to feed Sweetness on the weekends and my days off until mid-July, when SHE decided she much rather play with toys then stop to eat. I was still a little sad that the feedings were gone but I'm much happier knowing that they stopped on her terms. Her bottles at this point are half breast milk, half formula. Not because I think formula is evil and milk is best. But because the girl is a total food snob and won't take her formula straight up....STILL....2 months after introducing it. It wasn't worth the battle and luckily I had enough in the freezer so it didn't have to be a battle. I am starting that battle with cow's milk though because I am not about to spend beaucoup bucks on formula when I can get a gallon of milk for a fraction of the cost.

So now you're all caught up. I'm nursing her in the morning and at night, much to the shock of myself and everyone around me. I plan on continuing it as long as she wants, not so much for her, but for me. Because like I said back in April, every little ounce I give her means that my body is working. She's occasionally showing some signs of dropping them but then the next day she'll be all about the boob all over again. We're going to an out of town wedding in October and will be gone for 3 days and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the potential end. We'll see.

I've got another post brewing about some of the things I've learned from nursing this past year. As well as all of the things I'd do different if I'm ever lucky enough to get the chance at this again.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

catching up

It's appalling how bad a blogger I've been lately. My apologies. I'm going to try catch up real quick and then will hopefully get better since I'm switching to a part time schedule. Yeah! Forgive the bullets, real posts will follow.

- I'm still having a bit of a hard time with my SIL's pregnancy. Mostly I'm just jealous of how naive they are. They went with us to pick up a new umbrella stroller and bought a cute onesie on a whim. I never would have been able to do that at 14 weeks and it makes me sad.

- I went through a really bad patch with my dad. And it was something I wanted to blog out and I'm a little upset that I never got around to it. It's semi-resolved now but there are still some things rolling around my head that I might get out at some point.

- I'm moving to a 3 day a week schedule in September and I can NOT wait. I'm already getting some shit for it from my boss, which is surprising since it was her idea, but I don't care. I'm hoping it is going to help me find the right balance.

- Speaking of balance, I think whoever came up with the whole work/life balance thing should be shot. I have decided there is no such thing. So, what I've decided to do is just make sure I'm in the moment. Wherever I am, whether it be work or home, will get 100% of me. Now with work, that's sometimes a stretch. But I am getting much better about it at home. (this is also another reason I've been a bad blogger)

- And speaking of people who should be shot, whoever said "9 months on, 9 months off" deserves to be dragged out back and beaten down. Enough said on that one

- Somehow, my little Sweetness is about to turn one. I am in complete shock.

And since I still haven't started on her baby book, below is a list of some of the things she's doing that I will someday include in a baby book when I get off my fat, lazy butt. Feel free to skip it all

- took 2 unassisted steps today! I wish I could say it was towards me, but no, it was to my cell phone
- master crawler, always making a beeline for the cat or his water bowl
- cruising like crazy
- waves bye bye
- gives the bestest, most sloppiest kisses all the time. Just started kissing herself in the mirror
- is in the process of cutting her top two teeth
- has the world's sweetest, cutest giggle I've ever heard
- just developed a love for a stuffed animal, dragging her 'kanga' around wherever she goes

That's all for now. Off to catch up with you all, my reader is out of control right now

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Happy sad

I'm happy sad tonight. Mr H does not understand how one can be happy sad but I know all you out there will. My brother and sister in law, whom I love dearly, just announced that she's pregnant. I am ecstatic for them. It was their first month trying. They got to do the cute announcements to the family via picture frames and teddy bears. I had all those plans once too. Instead I got to email out beta numbers to a select group of people. Like I said, I am beyond happy for them. I love them both, I'm excited for Sweetness to have a cousin from the normal side of the family (Mr H's bro and SIL are a piece of work). But I'm reminded of just how much IF took from us. Of course, I've got Sweetness, and I couldn't imagine any other baby. Right now I'm just surrounded by people who have been able to plan their families down to the month. It boggles my mind. So it makes me happy sad. I've been trying to go to sleep for about an hour and half already but I keep going over this in my head. Now that it's out, hopefully I'll be too...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

If it ain't broke, does it need to be fixed?

I've got 12 minutes before I have to wake Sweetness up to take her to PT so I figured I'd use my time productively writing a post as opposed to mindlessly playing on F.acebook. Because this is productive!

Mel had a great post about resolving infertility that put into words what I've been feeling so much better than I ever could. I just assumed that when I had a child, through whatever means it took to get said child, that I wouldn't have to deal with IF anymore. Well you know what they say about assuming. I've read other bloggers for whom it's true but for me, personally, it couldn't be more false. Yes, the childlessness is gone and the gaping hole in my heart has been filled but I'm still stuck feeling broken. The thought of doing this whole thing over again to give Sweetness a sibling weighs down on me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not laying in bed crying over this 24/7. I do try to enjoy every second of her sweet baby-ness, partially because I know better than to take for granted that I might get to experience it again. But the slightest trigger brings it all back. Could be someone asking me what I'll do different for #2 or of course, someone joking that I've been fixed and better be careful because they know [insert random 16 degrees of separation here] who got pregnant without treatments for their second.

All the language around the IF urban legend of getting pregnant after treatments doesn't help the feelings of brokeness. So many people have used the verb "fix" when giving me their un-solicited assvice. Yet they tell me not to use "broke". Huh???

So with 1 minute left, that's where my head is at. I was trying not to blog about it too much. I mean really, who wants to read about someone lucky enough to have a baby complain about IF or feeling broke. But I might be blogging it out more often, just to clear my head. So thanks in advance for putting up with me.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Playing hooky

I had to take Sweetness to her 9 month appt this morning. Of course they were running late. We get in the car to drive to work and what should take 5 minutes to get the highway takes 20. So I was bad, turned around and am playing hooky. I just didn't see the point of spending an hour in the car, working for 2 hours, then spending another hour and a half in the car to get home. Hopefully I can do enough work this afternoon and this weekend that I can still count the day. I've got no time saved up at all so every day I don't work my paycheck gets docked. Today is worth it's been pouring for 2 days and the thought of sitting in all that traffic. Uggg.

Of course I'm blogging...not working.

Sweetness's appointment went well. I'm questioning their scale though. I weighed her at home the other day using the oh so scientific method of me getting on the scale and then holding her on the scale and she was much heavier. Doesn't matter though. More importantly, we finally got the all clear on the heart issues she had at the hospital. A nice regular rhythm and no need for any more follow up. Thank goodness. Nothing else really mattered.

Off to try to get some work done...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


- Thanks for the birthday wishes. How lucky am I to share my day with these ladies?

- I had a good day. Kind of weird at times though, it was the first birthday since my dad left. And part of me thinks I sound like a 6 year old saying that. I'm an adult, it shouldn't matter...but it does.

- Still haven't resolved what to do about the whole weaning thing. And I am really stuck on the fact that things are, for once, working as they should. On the flip side, pumping at work is becoming more and more of a hassle. I hate feeding the robot twice a day for 30 or so minutes.

- I had my annual last week. He asked when we were going to start trying for #2. Yikes! Ummm...I have no idea. He did say just to call up and he'll give me a referral back to my RE. I questioned him about the whole BRCA gene and if he thought I should get tested. He was fairly non-committal but said that about 10% of cancer is genetic and the rest is just bad luck. His recommendation was to think about what I would do if it was positive and go from there. I think, that right now, I'm going to wait on it. The test isn't going anywhere, I'm taking all the appropriate proactive steps, and to be perfectly honest, I just don't want to start the whole rigmarole of doctors appointments and tests that it would inevitably be.

- Work--I have never been less motivated in my entire life. I hate that I've become one of those people that is just punching the clock and working for the paycheck. My co-workers and students deserve better but I just don't have it in me.

- Sweetness--is freaking unbelievable! I can not believe she'll be 9 months old on Thursday. Where does the time go??? She's crawling like a mad woman, babbling like crazy, pulling up on everything and her sole mission in life is to eat the cat's tail. She eats better than I do. Tonight for her appetizer (otherwise known as "something to shovel in her mouth while I feed the cat and get her real food ready) she had some cheese, grapes, and chickpeas. All I'd need is a glass of wine with that and it'd be like tapas! Then she had a summer squash medley, then peaches and some yogurt. I had a hot not fair. And I am proud to say that she's been sleeping through the night for the last 3 weeks. She finally dropped that night feed. I'm really glad I let her do it on her own. So many people were telling me she never would and I should just stop feeding her but not feeding a hungry baby just seemed mean to me. She now goes to bed around 7 or 7:30 and sleeps through until 6:45-7:15. It's perfect!

- Bloggy maintenance. So here's the deal with why I haven't posted in ages. Both blogger and wordpress are blocked at work. What do you all think about typepad? Is it worth the money? And can I password protect some posts but not others? I'm thinking that's the road I want to go down but I'm not sure. (and as an aside, that's another reason I'm annoyed with work, no blogging or facebook). Hopefully I'll switch to a new site soon and can be back to blogging soon. Still won't help my commenting problem...working on that one

Thanks for those of you who check in...I so appreciate it!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What works

Isn't it funny how our "Aha" moments pop up out of nowhere sometimes? I had been doing some serious soul-searching lately on my indecision about weaning. As background, I was never a breast is best person. I figured I'd try breastfeeding, give it a month and a good solid effort, but if it was too much I was perfectly happy switching over to formula. In fact, I committed what many consider to be a cardinal sin of breastfeeding...having formula in the house before the baby was born. Now some will remember my freak-outs and visits with the lactation consultants back in September. Not long after that I became sort of zen about it. I was going to give it my month and then decide without regrets or looking back what to do.

Well, Sweetness will be 8 months old next week and I am starting to have some serious ambivalence when I think about weaning. She's in the process of dropping her night feeding and even that makes me sad. And I've been trying to figure it all out. Why am I so invested in something that was never very important to me? I've been driving poor Mr H crazy talking about it ad naseum when I had my "aha" moment yesterday. It just came out, as if I had been knowing it all along.

I was talking to a co-worker (and good friend) who just came back from maternity leave and our converstation went something like this:

Co-worker: "I can't believe you're still nursing and pumping at 8 months. You always thought that wouldn't be you"
Me: "Don't be surprised, it's purely selfish"
CW: "There's nothing selfish about it, plus you aren't one of those martyr people, you never even mention it."
Me: "It's completely selfish, this is the longest time my body has worked and I don't want to go back to being broken."

Just like that it came out of my mouth. I wasn't even aware I even thought it. And that's really it. Right now my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing...making milk. I still haven't had a post-partum period. I don't want to go back to messed up cycles and the like. Because then I'm broken again.

I wish realizing had helped me come to terms about what to do in regard to weaning. But at least now that I better understand myself, hopefully I can start making progress in that direction.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Workin for a livin

Look at me, 2 posts in 2 days!!

Just a little disclaimer that posts like this used to drive me CRAZY, so I won't be the least bit offended if someone decides not to read.

I went back to work in January then took another leave in mid February. I say I did this because Sweetness needs PT but in really, it was for me. Work was fairly understanding and let me come in just one day a week.

I've had a love/hate relationship with working one day a week. On one hand, I love being home with Sweetness. She is just the most fun right now, learning something new every day. But I am someone who hates not giving 100% and not doing my job well. And being in 1 day a week just sucked. I would start dreading it the day before. I would have to spend the beginning part of the day getting caught up in changes to treatment plans and then would spend the rest of the day feeling completely ineffective because while my position is important to the development of the program, in terms of day to day operations, I'm not missed that much. And feeling that replaceable kind of sucks.

So starting in April I've been going in 2 days a week. Mostly to ease myself back into full time, which will have to happen in May. And that thought I really hate. I've gotten over all my issues with the Spanish speaking nanny. I made myself some flashcards and we've gotten pretty good at communicating to each other. As an aside, I think she really appreciates the effort I've made to learn some Spanish (the other family in the nanny share just calls her son to translate for her) and suddenly it seems that she knows more english than she did before. But I just don't want to work full time at all. I know it is short term and that in September I'll be job sharing, working 3 days a week...but I don't want to do that either.

This will probably be controversial and I am not saying that fertile parents don't love their kids, but I really think that in light of everything it took to get Sweetness here, I don't want to miss a single second of her growing up. I could care less that I hardly ever shower, that money is tight, that today I left the house with dried up Puffs on my shoulder. What I care about is that she takes her best naps snuggled up on my chest, that her whole body smiles when Mr H or I walk into a room, and that her giggle is the sweetest sound I've ever heard in my entire life. I don't want to take a single moment of all that for granted because I know that I am incredibly lucky and blessed to have been given such a gift.

Of course none of this is news to anyone. Most working moms miss their kids during the day and wonder if they are doing the right thing. But for some reason, the idea of working sends me right back to the brink of being depressed all the time. And I hated when I was depressed all the time. Plus I always figured that I was depressed all the time because I wanted a baby and couldn't have one. Now I've got the baby and the depression comes back?!?! I don't think it's PPD, since she's almost 8 months old, just 'plain ol I hate how some things in my life are' depression.

Which is equally ridiculous because I really am the luckiest person in the world. And I know it. I've got a husband who is an equal partner in pretty much every way and a healthy happy baby. What right do I have to complain??

There are no good answers here I know. We have no money and are slowly blowing through our savings. And while we're very lucky that Mr H's job is extremely secure, as is mine, it is still a bad time to be out of work. I guess mostly I'm just surprised that if we won the lottery, I would walk away and not look back. I always thought I'd be a super mom and wouldn't want to give up my career. But now it's career....what career? And super mom...what a joke!

Kudos to you if you've read through all these ramblings. I so miss blogging, getting it out there usually helps me to see everything clearer. Here's to getting over myself, right?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

More bullets

Once again, my vow to become a better blogger has failed. This time I at least had some good reasons. And so once again, the last few weeks in bullets

- A few days after my last post, Mr H's soon to be 99 year old nana fell and broke her hip. Nana is an amazing woman. She was still living on her own, doing her own cooking, cleaning, and shopping until August. In August she got what her doctor called "the worst case of ge.nital h.erpes" he had ever seen. Mr H and his mom where mortified but I so hope to be 98 years old and getting STD's. Anywho, after that they moved her up to NY into assisted living. When she broke her hip, the doc said she had the body of a 70 year old. They did a hip replacement surgery on her and she's now in rehab. Imagine an extremely stubborn person who had been doing everything a certain way for the last 99 years now re-learning how to walk, sit, put her shoes on, etc. It is not going well.

- About 2 days after Nana's hip surgery, Mr H's step dad found out he needs to heart valves replaced. This is open heart surgery. At this point it becomes somewhat comical as he has diagnosed, but untreated, OCD and anxiety induced hypochondria. Cutting someone like that's chest open and cracking his ribs....definitely worst nightmare. My poor MIL has started taking meditation classes

- About 2 days after we found out he needed heart surgery, my mom had another breast cancer scare. She was sent for round after round of mammograms and ultrasounds and ultimately told to come back for follow up in 3 months. This has happened before but it doesn't get any less scary, especially because my aunt (her sister) has been fighting breast cancer for the last 6 years.

So this is why (along with two trips to NY, one to FL and a drama filled visit from my dad) I fell back off the blogging wagon, my apologies...

more to come soon (I promise) on my working mom guilt and how IF is still coloring so much...

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Lots to update

We're going to go with the bullets for now. I'll try to expand on most of them in some upcoming posts. Just a warning lots and lots of baby talk ahead.

  • How much do I suck? I just logged on to update and saw my post for the last book tour sitting in my drafts. I remember racing to finish it before Obama's speech but I guess I forgot to hit publish. I also blame the fact that I had the worst cold of my life. Big oops on that one
  • I'm back on leave again, working just one day a week. I'm loving it but why you ask??
  • Well first, Sweetness needs physical therapy. She has to.rticollis, which is most likely due to her vacuum delivery. We go once a week to the PT and have a whole series of exercises to do with her 5 times a day. Given that it is her neck, I just don't trust someone else doing the exercises. The PT wants it to resolve by about a year or she'll most likely recommend surgery. So it is worth me being out of work to get this fixed. She hates it but somehow continues to be her smiling, sweet self throughout it all.
  • And second, our childcare is a hot mess. We were on the waitlist for the center at Mr H's work. When she was born we were down to # 32 on the list and they estimated we'd be in by March. Now, because of the sibling rule, we're # 57. And they are saying that all of the siblings are not going to get in. Freaking fertiles!
  • So for now we've got a nanny share right near my work. First time we went was last week. I'm still not sold on it and am going to keep looking. Something about it just seems off to me. I can't put my finger on it but I'm going to trust my gut. Until I find something better, I'm just going to keep on popping over there.
  • I can not believe that tomorrow Sweetness will be 6 months old!!! Insane
  • I caved and we are now crying it out. I didn't want to do it, and on some level I still don't. But now she is waking up to play, not because she needs us for any other reason. She is so much happier when she gets a good night's sleep. We're on night 3 of it. First night we had 5 awakenings lasting between 5 and 15 minutes, last night just 1 but it lasted for an hour. I'm still somewhat skeptical because she goes to sleep like a champ, has for months. I nurse her, rock her, sing a song, and put her in her crib with a kiss and she's out. Sometimes she's out until 1-ish when I feed her and other times she's out for about 90 minutes.
  • I realized that I can not think in non-TTC terms. Hr H was out of town last week and I felt those familiar O twinges along with all the other signs that I couldn't miss if I wanted to. My first thought...damn, we missed our chance this month. Ummmm...that would actually involve me letting him touch me and having the energy for such a thing! I seriously wonder how anyone has Irish twins!

Wow--those are some long bullets. My apologies for being MIA. I've been reading and following along with all of you. I've just been a VERY bad commentor. I'm going to try to be better though.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Before I start with the post in my head, can I just say how much I LOVE the st.arbucks by work? First, they remembered me when I came back from my leave and made me feel like Norm from Cheers. And then today, after ordering my drink and realizing I forgot my wallet (oops), they told me not to worry about it. Now that is customer service!

Anywho, back to my dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant again. No worries, I highly doubt that I actually am but it still made me think. While I would love to be pregnant again sometime, now is definitely not that time. But this made me realize I need to be a good girl and make my doctors appt. I'm overdue for my annual (I really think I should get a pass on many times was a doc up in my business already??) and while I'm there I'll talk to him about the testing for the BRCA gene and how that would effect future treatments. While he probably won't be as knowledgeable about it all as my RE, he does do some infertility treatments so it'll at least be a step in my info gathering phase. And it is a step that is covered by my insurance.

And for nightmares, a woman I work with just found out she is pregnant with her second girl. Apparently that is her worst nightmare. I honestly didn't even know what to say. I did say "I'm so glad the baby is healthy and fine" to which she replied, "Of course". But the best part of it all is that her husband is mad at her! I guess he missed the news that the sperm determines the sex. Ahh...ignorance at its finest.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Last Chance

to vote for Mel!! If you haven't done it yet, you MUST click over right now and vote for Stirrup Queens.

Friday, January 9, 2009

week 1 down

I think Sweetness caught on yesterday that the bottle was her only daytime option. At her 2 feeds she ate 3.5 and then 4 oz. I still need to look up and see how much she should be getting but at this point any increase is progress in the right direction. And I have decided that there is some consistency to her inconsistency...she has 1 great night followed by 1 horrific night. That's the pattern. We do the same exact bedtime routine at roughly the same time but it doesn't seem to matter. The only thing I have noticed is that the closer to 7:30 she goes to sleep, the better the night is. Last night was 8:20. We did start the bedtime routine around 7 but she decided to go back for seconds and thirds at the all you can eat boob buffet.

So thanks for your help and advice. And I know this is all to be expected and it'll get easier for me. (she's doing just fine). Yesterday was the first time she's had a 'first' without me and it kinda sucked. But I did ok, and was just as excited when I saw it later on that night. And as an aside this is a first that could greatly help our sleep...she took her pacifier out and put it back in her mouth all on her own!! Now if only she could manage that hand-mouth coordination at 2 AM!!

Thursday, January 8, 2009


That's all I'm asking for. But I guess it is way too much for a 4 month old to give. Monday night she slept amazing, Tuesday night was another story. Up pretty much every hour or so. Sometimes screaming, sometimes all smiles. Made yesterday a mess. And then last night was almost as perfect as could be. I just don't get it.

The whole barely eating from the bottle thing is killing me though. Because she slept so badly the other night I didn't wake her up before I left, just pumped and left a bottle for Mr H. She ate 1.5 oz. Her next bottle, about 2 oz and the next, well that just put her over the edge and she barely touched it. So then when I got home and was feeding her before bed, she was ravenously hungry. She ate like she has never eaten before. Typically she drains a side in under 10 minutes and is done. Last night's feeding lasted almost 40. Which of course broke my heart. I just sobbed as she was eating. I know she'll get used to the bottle and it will get better but right now I just feel like I am completely failing her. My poor baby spent all day hungry, probably waiting for me, and I wasn't there for her. It kills me. Being exhausted didn't help though. Today I'm much more well rested and my boss, once again proving how awesome she is, told me to come in at 9:30 today. So I got to sleep in a little and spend the morning snuggling Sweetness.

And the only good thing about having to pump at work...I am now caught up on everyone's blogs and actually have time to post myself!! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I should probably be working...

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


You all are pretty darn amazing. Thanks for checking in, emailing, and joke telling. I'm not going to lie...the day pretty much sucked but I made it through in one piece. There were a few highlights though:

- Mr H telling me when I got home that "she's a lot of work". Nice for him to finally realize that!
- my boss approaching me about starting a Virginia branch of our outreach division with me leading it up. Best part about is a work from home position. We'd still need some type of part-time childcare for times I am with families or clients, but Sweetness could be home with me probably 3 days a week. How awesome would that be! It all probably wouldn't get put into motion until the new school year starts in July but it sure would be easier to get up and leave her every day knowing it was short term.

The negatives:

- Sweetness barely slept at all and apparently screamed bloody murder for large chunks of the day. Even her new-found blankie (this was the best accidental discovery ever) couldn't console her.

- While we're lucky she will take a bottle, she pretty much will only take the edge off her hunger with it. Yesterday morning she only ate 2.5 oz. And then for the afternoon...well apparently she will only submit herself to the indignity of a bottle once per day. She wouldn't touch the thing. So she was one hungry girl by the time I got home. I think I spent most of the evening nursing. Today she chowed down and finished a full bottle so hopefully this was a short-lived protest.

oh...another good thing. She had her best sleep ever last night!! Went down around 7:45, woke up at 1:30 to eat and then went right back down until 6:30. Now if only I hadn't had crazy insomnia from 1:30-4 I might feel a little bit rested!

and one more negative...I have now worn the only 2 pairs of non-jeans I have that fit. Not sure what to do about tomorrow?

I feel like I should end on a positive so here's another thanks to all of you. It made me feel so much better every time a new comment showed up in my inbox.

oh...and this is the last thing I promise. Please go over and vote for Mel. We all know how freakin awesome she is...let's make sure the rest of the world knows it too!!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Operation Fill My Inbox

The alarm is set, clothes laid out for tomorrow, bag packed. And yes, tears shed. Just mine so far but tomorrow I know she's going to cry and wonder why I'm not for her.

So to stop me from sobbing all day at work, please fill my inbox with smiles, stories, etc. This way everytime I get a spare minute to check my email, I'll see comments from you all and hopefully not spend the entire day being miserable.

Thanks ladies~you rock!

Friday, January 2, 2009

This is a test

This is only a test.

Except on Monday it's all real. I decided to be a good worker bee and go in for a bit today. Clean out my inbox, read all the changes to plans that have happened since September, review staffing, etc so I can hit the ground running on Monday. I also thought it would be a good idea to see how long it takes me to get out of the house. And apparently the answer to that is longer than I thought!

I knew my office was used for a variety of different things while I was gone. Space is at a premium in a school and there was no way the space would be wasted. I got an email from some people the last day before the break saying that were setting everything back up for me. I guess to them that meant throwing all the furniture in the room and the laptop on the desk. I was so pissed this morning. The laptop was missing cords so I had to rummage through other people's offices to find them. Then I log on and realize it isn't even my laptop. Everything that was saved to the desktop is gone (yes I know, I shouldn't save there anyway) but most importantly, all of my pictures were gone. I need those! And then email on that laptop wasn't working so I ended up in the computer lab. Funny how punishing it can be to try to work over a break. That's what I get for trying to be good ;)

So I've been here an hour and haven't really cried or gotten too sad. I guess being pissed is a good strategy. This morning was hard though. Not only did she have a horrible night's sleep (woke up 9 times over 10 hours, you do the math...there's no long chunk in there), but she also really didn't eat this morning. And now I can't help but think she's going to feel so abandoned this morning. I've been good and haven't called Mr H to check in or anything. It's not that I don't trust him, he just gets frustrated so much faster than me. And Sweetness really picks up on that and won't calm down for him. I guess he'll just have to learn...

Expect a whiny self-indulgent post from me Sunday night or Monday morning. To top it all off, f.acebook is blocked at work! That has been my lifeline to the real world for the last 4 months, what am I going to do? (probably just blog more often I guess)