Wednesday, October 31, 2007
And the red witch didn't come out for Halloween. I need to call my nurse tomorrow. Exactly 2 weeks ago my progesterone was 4.62 so I should have gotten my period by now. And yes, I did POAS and it was blinding white. I am so freakin ready to get on with this, it is all I think about and is SOOOO not healthy.
There's the door...I think it might be time to turn out all the lights and finish this candy off myself
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
This yet another Ellis song. I know, it's a little ridiculous that so many of the songs I've picked have been by him but....that's why he's my fave. This song came across my Ip.od driving home from work tonight. It was playing as I was thinking about my answer to some of the book tour questions, namely, am I paying attention to what I need to be paying attention to? It is something I've really been struggling with, especially as I get deeper and deeper into this IF craziness.
Live in the Now from the album Carnival of Voices
I've got a farm house,
It's a big white farmhouse
And forty acres in my head
You got a kitchen,
It's an oak floor kitchen
And a big brass feather bed
And there in the parlor,
An old upright piano
And a precocious blue-eyed kid
Playing the keys
Playing the keys
Live in the now
A room with a view of Cambridge
Live in the now
Traffic, noise, and neighborhood kids
We're sitting in the kitchen
You reach cross the table
And put a finger on my wrinkled brow
You say, "Live in the now,
Live in the now"
'Cause life is what happens
When you're busy making plans
That's what John Lennon said
Then he quit the fuckin' band
Tell me which part
Is it the castle, or the sand
That you miss when the tide comes along?
I'm alone on a highway
Only silos break the view
A field of sunflowers
A scarecrow paying dues
And I think to myself
"Man, that's not what I'd choose "
But here I am, and look where I've gone
All for the song
Till the tide comes along
Live in the now
An audience is waiting
Live in the now
Whose day are you creating?
I slip into to the hotel
I put the phone on a pillow
Your voice makes it better somehow
You say, "Live in the now"
"Live in the now"
Two lines in this really get to me: "Whose day are you creating?" and "I think to myself, man that's not what I'd chose, but hear I am". "Whose day are you creating" I certainly wish I knew. Because a lot of the time, it's not often a day I want to be a part of. I need to make sure I'm paying attention to the things that matter to me and that make my day. I feel like I end up in that latter situation FAR too often. Things aren't how I want, but here I am, gotta go with the flow.
I don't know if I've been paying attention to the right things but from here on out, I'm going to Live in the Now
Nothing new to update. The witch is still playing hide and seek, I'm hoping she'll come out tomorrow in honor of Halloween. Insurance should be re-upped by Thursday. So if she does show tomorrow, I'll be able to get CD 3 testing Friday without having to pay and try to get reimbursed.
Had a crappy day at work, had to call protective services again for one particular family. The whole situation is just horrible and I hate knowing that there is nothing more I can do for them. Sometimes working in special ed really takes too much out of me. Right now I'd love nothing more than to just answer phones all day long for someone pseudo-important than be dealing with really-real real life problems. Plus I'm now the supervisor of someone who has been over me for the last few years and the transition has not gone well. I need to have a laying down some rules meeting with her and I'm dreading it.
Oh and last little thing, anyone know how I can change the date when I post something that's been in my archives for awhile? I usually just cut and paste it into a new post but that's a real PITA and I know there has to be a better way. As usual, I'm in need of some tech support. Thanks in advance
First off, the business:
Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood.
5. At the very close of the book, having discovered her balanced translocation, Elinor likens herself to a screwed up silverware drawer. "Yet there's solace in discovering something is tangibly wrong. A diagnosis rather than you're old" Have you ever felt like this? Do you have a diagnosis for your fertility problems? Was it a relief? If your problem is unidentified, or age is against you, do you wish that you did have a reason?
I've been upset more than once with our 'unexplained' diagnosis. In fact, I've raged, cried, and screamed about it and have spent more time on G.oogle than any one person should. I want there to be a problem I can fix (and yes, I realize that is a little greedy since many problems can't be fixed). At a minimum, I want a better starting point than what we've got right now. I think we (and I mean the collective we, all of us) all deserve a better starting point. So yes, I would probably feel some solace if we ever get a diagnosis. That's not to say I won't get upset about that diagnosis too, but I'm pretty sure I will breathe a great big sigh of relief to get a diagnosis and a better game plan.
6. I feel like the author was trying to show all sides of these complicated relationships, wanting you to sympathize with Elinor, Ted, Gina and Toby. Did you find yourself able to sympathize, or at least not dislike, all of these characters?
I was very conflicted about my thoughts on all of the characters. Surprisingly, I had the hardest time with my relationship with Elinor. I thought I would immediately sympathize with her. Instead, after reading her thoughts and nodding my head in agreement, I read Ted's point of view, and agreed with him too. It was like looking at myself from a distance and not always liking what I saw. And then Gina. I was dead set on hating her and did until Toby came into the picture. I'll admit, I still don't have too much sympathy for anyone who knowingly sleeps with a married man but I did feel bad for her. She tried so hard with Toby. Same with Ted. I really didn't want to like him and I know that there is no excuse for cheating but again, I did feel for him. Just makes you realize how complicated everything is.
7. Elinor's thought on page 47 really struck me: "When Elinor was paying attention to her career, she should have been paying attention to her biological clock. When she was paying attention to her biological clock, she should have been paying attention to her husband." It made me wonder: Am I paying attention now to the things I should be paying attention to now? Are you?
I read that line over and over too. It really hit home with me. I think about this ALL the time. I'm constantly worried that I'm missing something else because I'm so pre-occupied with all this IF crap. My brother is getting married in a few months and I'm so afraid that I'm not being there for him like he was for me (he was my Man of Honor...that's how awesome a bro he is!!). And then on the way home from work today, a song on my ip.od, "Live in the Now" came on...I know that is something I need to start doing more of, just still working on how
Monday, October 29, 2007
Today marks CD 58. Unless AF shows up in the next few hours this is officially my longest cycle ever. I think that deserves some recognition so I'll be having a pity party for myself tonight complete with comfort food (either mac and cheese or chinese, still deciding), copious amounts of red wine, and my DVR. I can not wait!
Hopefully the end is in sight. I'm still spotting and have those double over in pain cramps. My pre-authorization for this IUI ends on the 31st though. And in August when it got approved that seemed like light years away. I just remembered this morning so hopefully our financial person can get it re-upped before CD 3 rolls around (see me all being hopeful and optimistic).
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Had a great weekend up in NY, managed to see some friends I've haven't seen since my birthday. And the drive back down today wasn't half as bad as we thought it would be with all the rain.
Now onto my new biggest problem...the Sox game. Usually I can make it up for a Sat night World Series game but now tomorrow morning I've got to get up really early for some marathon watching. Those of you who didn't know that marathons were a spectator sport have never met my family (and at this point, you might be glad about that) My dad has run marathons for as long as I can remember, all of the neighborhood kids used to make a parade for him after his marathons and triathlons. When we lived up in Mass, the B.oston Marathon started in our hometown. So we'd always go the the start, which was a blast, then head home and race down the Mass Pike and watch from Ke.nnmore Square. In high school, I would jump in and pace my dad the last few miles. And then of course we'd always be at the finish. The M.arine Corp marathon is a spectator's dream. It snakes around the city and there are so many places to watch the runners. I think we'll be able to see my brother and his fiance at 4 different spots along the course. So I've got a big day tomorrow, I can't be up all night watching the game. (oh...this just in, a 6 run 3rd for the Sox, I think I can sleep easy tonight)
Alright, I haven't been able to check in with anyone all weekend, I'll spend tomorrow night with my b.loglines and writing up my book tour questions. Enjoy the rest of the weekend everyone!
Friday, October 26, 2007
This couldn't have come at a more perfect time either. We drove up to NY to see our new niece yesterday. I spent some quality time with her and told her she needed to be my good luck charm. So far she's doing her job. We took our other niece out for some quality time with Aunt Meghan and Uncle Adam for lunch. She's got to be the most adorable 2 year old. And boy can that kid scarf down the pizza, she's definitely part of my husband's family!! I've been holding up surprisingly well. Yes, I do want a family, but I don't want their family...if that makes any sense. And now that Spot has shown up, I know I'll make it through the next few days just fine.
We're driving back to DC Saturday night to watch my brother and his fiance run the Marine Corps Marathon Sunday. Think good thoughts for them, no rain and not too hot!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Off to go find some fruit...or maybe to see if she has anymore boxes left...I'm not telling ;)
Monday, October 22, 2007
May my dreams come true tonight... ;)
takes on a whole different tone now
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
It's messy but you can see the really dark cabinets, covered in 30 years worth of grease that won't wash off, barely any counter space, and the huge gap between the dishwasher and fridge with the insulation of the dishwasher hanging out.
Here's a better pic of the floor...and my kitty. I can not wait to cook tomorrow night! (don't repeat that to anyone and do not let Mr H know). I honestly didn't even mind washing dishes tonight.
What is everyone's experience? Should I push to take the Pr.overa? I'm just so bad at the sitting part, I need to feel like I'm doing something.
thanks in advance if you've got any ideas or suggestions. Assvice is welcome too ;)
Thursday, October 18, 2007
This is the message the nurse left on my voicemail today. I was floored by it...but maybe I'm super sensitive.
" Good news and bad news Meghan. Bad news is you can't take the P.rovera..."
Now what would you be thinking?? I'm thinking "Holy crap, we actually did it! How should I tell Mr H?...Oh my f-ing God, we actually did it! Holy shit!!!"
Next words out of the nurses mouth...
" Good news now! Seems like you ovulated, you should expect your period within the next 2 weeks, since your progesterone is really low"
Now isn't that just cruel?? And may I also mention that this nurse is pregnant? So now I'm back to sitting and waiting. I suck at sitting and waiting.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
So I rescheduled for tomorrow and it's Mr H's morning to wait for the contractor. At this point I know one more day doesn't matter, I was just excited to finally be moving forward. I know I am still moving in the right direction, I'm just taking smaller steps than I would have liked. I'm a fast walker with long legs...I'm used to leaps and bounds and people not being able to keep up with me. These slow baby steps take some getting used to.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
I had a bit of a meltdown over the weekend. Saturday was fine, we worked on the kitchen all day. Purging our pantry was eye opening. Nothing like throwing out unopened cans and packets that expired in 03 to make you re-think your grocery shopping and waste. Even more eye opening is that we moved here in Nov 04, which means we moved already expired stuff...a little embarrassing.
Sunday. I was SO excited for Sunday. We were going to take the Jeep out and go apple picking with my brother and his fiancee. Then over to my parents for an apple themed dinner. It was a beautiful weekend and I couldn't wait to get outside. Then Mr H's brother called to tell us that we've got a new niece! Now I've known my sister-in-law was pregnant for months now. In fact, I figured it out long before she told people. I thought I was fine with it. I could not have been more wrong. I literally broke as soon as Mr H went out to run an errand. I had one of those crying in the shower moments (which I do all the time). But this time I stayed in there sobbing long past the hot water left the water heater. Nothing says unstable like standing in an ice cold shower crying. Then, since I was cold, I got in my bathrobe, got under the covers, and stayed there for the next 5 hours or so. That is when I realized I needed to get a grip. I'm looking into our insurance to see what our coverage is for a therapist. And a big thanks to the DC ladies for all of the recs.
I pretty much figured the bulk of it out. When I first found out my SIL was pregnant last March, I had just had my initial testing with my gyno and I was confident that I'd be pregnant soon. And I'd be very pregnant by the time the baby was born. The cousins would be close in age and all would be well. As time went on, I decided that at the very least I'd be pregnant by October. And then as more time went on, I decided that at least I'd have started treatment and my IUI by the time the baby was born.
But of course none of this would work out. I put so much pressure on my last natural cycle and that of course I would have an annovulatory cycle. It's CD 45 and nothing. I thought I managed to O but it seems not. I hate that it was my last chance and I didn't work. Not that it didn't work...but that I didn't work. Feels like I have a cyst and I just know that I'm going to have to sit out October too. I know that we can't plan any of this but I really had it in my head that I'd be getting inseminated right about now.
So that was my weekend. Monday sucked too. Today is looking better. I called my nurse and emailed my doctor and they're going to give me Pr.overa to jump-start my period. Just need to go in for a beta tomorrow (HA--almost a dozen pee sticks can't be wrong). I haven't taken Pr.overa yet...any word on what to expect??
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. In other news, our kitchen is coming together. Floors and cabinets are in and it looks like they'll be finished on Thursday which means he'll do the breakfast bar on Friday!!! I will most definitely be posting some pics for everyone, I'm so excited about it. Oh, and we've decided to come out to a select group of people, our inner circle if you will. And I'm setting up a different blog with updates for everyone so I don't have to deal with talking to people when I don't want to.
Off to catch up and comment...
Friday, October 12, 2007
Then on Sunday it's time to box up the kitchen, not looking forward to that. Plus, I realized that since I haven't been able to start this cycle, all of my meds are still in the fridge so it has to stay plugged in. I know they don't expire for 30 days at room temperature but I don't want to risk anything. They need to stay as strong and potent as scientifically possible.
If you see someone in a green Jeep stalling her way through Northern VA, say hi, it's been about 3 years since I've driven a stick!
Hope everyone else has a good weekend too!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
We had our hot date at Home Depot last night (married life is exciting, huh) to pick out everything for the kitchen and I was dreading it. We had to get a faucet, pick out tile, grout, cabinet hardware, and paint. The only easy thing was going to be the garbage disposal, since we were going for the cheapest one. I figured we would be there for hours on end. Instead we were spot on with our decisions. We have never worked this fast or this well on anything. Tile took 15 minutes and paint only about 20. And, to top it all off, we both really like everything we picked out.
In a weird way, I credit the IF for this. We are so much better at communicating and prioritizing now than we were a few months ago. And we both recognize that these are not the most important decisions we're going to be making any time soon. Putting it all into perspective really helped. Mr H was stressing about the paint and then we both realized that if we don't like it, it's paint....we'll just re-do it. Paint was not something that should be causing any extra stress in our lives right now.
So hopefully we weren't too relaxed in our decision making. The demo of the old kitchen starts Monday so lots to do this weekend. And we're still hoping that he'll finish up early and have time to do the breakfast bar, there's no guarantee...but I will offer him to pick him up dinner if he's staying ;)
And thanks for the kind words for my cousin. Everything we've gone through with IF has really helped me deal with that. After her email I gave her a call and just said I'm so sorry, this must be so hard for you, please know that I'm here if you need anything. She called me back the next day and said I was the only person that didn't offer her stupid advice (we can all relate to that), a stupid comment about how much better being single will be (hmm...similar to those enjoy sleeping through the night comments) or their own sob story. Pretty sad that most people just don't know how to react to bad news.
Guess if you look hard enough you can find a silver lining in just about anything.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
sometimes being a grown up really sucks...
please keep them in your thoughts
Monday, October 8, 2007
While I didn't find a strength store, I did make it through the weekend. I had a great time at the wedding. There were alot of people there that I hadn't seen in forever plus my brother and his fiancee (who knows about everything) were there. She was a huge help, helping to steer some conversations away so I didn't have another bathroom meltdown. Which is good because there was only 1 bathroom and there was always a line 3-4 deep. So glad I could keep it together.
On the 2ww front, still nothing. I've now gone through my dollar store stash for the IUI. I'm going to try to not go buy anymore for a few days. I'm hoping it'll save my sanity. Rationally I know that since I didn't chart or anything that I may not have O'd when I thought I did and that I am not one of those girls who gets pregnant just because she set something up with an RE and bought meds. That just does not happen. Irrationally though, I like to think that I am that 1% that is going to get pregnant without medical interventions AND of that 1%, I'm part of the smaller %age that doesn't get a + HPT. Crazy, I know. So I hereby am vowing to stop POAS for at least the rest of this week. I called my nurse and she said they would not induce AF until I went as long as my longest cycle, which is 58 days. So I'm going to wait...and try to wait patiently.
Oh and before you all leave, please go with LJ good luck on her transfer this afternoon!!
Saturday, October 6, 2007
On the 2ww front, still no spotting at all, just mild cramps. Nothing like how I usually am. I'm not sure if this is how normal people are but it is driving me batty. I was all set and ready to start meds in a few days and now I'm all hopeful and stupid. Yes stupid. That is what IF does to me. I lose all rational thought and think that I could actually be the 1%. So I've POAS the last 2 mornings and as usual, nothing. So I need to go to the strength store and get a little something to bring back rational thought.
And for the rest of my life, a good friend of ours is getting married and we've been looking forward to their wedding forever. Mr H is the best man so we went to a rehearsal dinner last night and the wife and one of the groomsmen who we knew started trying in April, is 4 months pregnant. I was so not prepared for it. I saw her round the corner with her adorable little tiny bump and thought I was going to lose my shit. It was the first time they've been back to the area so there were hugs and congrats all around. And then the grooms nieces showed up, 15 months old and adorable. I was prepared for them and ok with it since I knew his sister did IVF but the combo of the 2 sent me over the edge. I spent about 20 minutes in the bathroom calming myself down. And then when I re-joined the party got in a fight with Mr H when he told me I looked too sad and to put on my brave face. I said this was as brave as I got and since I wasn't crying I was pretty damn proud of myself. So I also need to go to the strength store for something to get me through the wedding tonight.
Doesn't help that I'm sick and doped up on cold medicine (which in my irrational state I don't want to take because I must be pregnant, right??? That's got to be the only reason for having a normal LP....)
where's that strength again??
Thursday, October 4, 2007
3 things I'm thankful for:
1) having a great boss that lets me work from home sometimes. I woke up feeling like I'm coming down with a cold (the perils of working in a school) and I really want to try to stay nice and healthy for this IUI. So I've worked from home today, got more done than I ever would have at work, and managed to take a nice little nap with my kitty snuggling me. It is amazing what a mental health day can do. I feel like a new woman! (well, a new woman with PMS and a snotty nose but a new woman nonetheless)
2) my HSG in August seems to have cured my spotting problem!!! I used to start spotting at 3-5 DPO and would straight up until my period came. I hated it, it was horrible to know 3 days into my 2ww that the cycle was a bust and then have to wait it out anyway. Now last month I had one little day of spotting at 7 dpo (isn't that a tease) and this month...nothing! I'm either 11 or 12 dpo and haven't had to wear a pantiliner yet! Now of course, that evil little bitch Hope did sneak in this morning and I'll admit to breaking open my HPT stash to POAS this morning to no avail but I'm Ok with it. Just glad one problem got solved. Guess I just needed a good power washing ;)
3) We met with our kitchen guy this morning to finalize everything and write him a nasty big check and as he was leaving he offered to do one of the things we had decided was too expensive and cut from the contract. He said if the rest of the project goes according to schedule and he has the time, he'll knock down 1/2 the wall between our kitchen and dining room to make a breakfast bar. He says he just likes doing that stuff and he thinks it'll look really nice. So here's hoping that everything else goes nice and speedy!
Off to see what else can get done today!!
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Society doesn't really put too much stock into things that are unexplained. UFO's, psychics, seeing Jesus in toast, life on other planets, etc. As adults if we can't see it, touch it, or smell it, we don't seem to believe it's true. Just think of how quickly we ditch Santa Claus as kids because no one can explain how someone flies through the night dropping off presents (and that would be a great one to believe!). We're skeptical, cynical by nature.
I'm guilty of it too. At work, I discuss with the parents of my students the importance of using e.vidence based treatments and not to believe people's claims of overnight fixes and recoveries. I want to see data. When working with my students and in writing their treatment plans, I talk about things I can see and hear. It's more objective, less open to interpretation, and in my opinion, more valid.
So where does that leave me? I'm unexplained...does that make my infertility any less valid? I certainly don't think so. But I can't get it to mesh with the rest of my thinking. And when I tell other people (the few that I have told), they say "oh good, nothing's wrong". Nothing's wrong!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Something is seriously fucking wrong here. My body is broken and no one can seem to tell me why. How on earth can nothing be fucking wrong. We're on 16 months of actively trying and 28 months without using any birth control. B.rittney Spears would be pregnant 3 times over at this point.
I keep searching and searching for an actual answer. I seriously think even Google is tired of me at this point. I am not OK with the unexplained. Mr H tells me I should be and I should be happy that I don't need surgery, etc...that nothing is wrong. I'm not happy and something is wrong! No one would be OK being told they have unexplained cancer, that the doctors don't know what kind or where it is or how to treat it but they'll start you on something that has worked for a bunch of other people. Why should I (or any of us) be OK with that just because the topic is infertility?
And it's not that I want a quick fix...I just want to know that it can be fixed. And in order to know that, I need to know what is wrong, what part is broken. It's killing me that they can't label it and that no one knows.
I've become a research whore at this point, trying to gather as much information as I can. Guess it's all I can do...
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Still picking up alot of pieces from yesterday's events. This poor family is a wreck. And then of course I'm behind on everything for the week since that is the only thing I did all day yesterday.
I'm in the "Must Have Chocolate NOW" phase of PMS. I've realized I don't really need to chart or use monitors, I can tell where I am in my cycle by the food cravings/mood swings. Isn't that pathetic? I've obviously been tracking my symptoms for WAY too long. Needless to say my banana, while satisfying some curiosity for the day, did nothing for the chocolate craving. I'm off on a mad hunt for something, anything with chocolate in it now.
Monday, October 1, 2007
So by the time I left work it was too late to go to the gym and I just needed to be home. Of course, once home, I had to open a bottle of wine. And once it was open, it only made since to finish it. Wine and frozen pizza...talk about gourmet.
Heading to bed soon, Tomorrow has to be a better day.
Not that I have given up the whole weight loss thing I was working on last month. My goal was 5 pounds by Oct and I came in at 6 pounds lost!! I'm pretty excited about it overall. Was a little disappointed Sunday morning since I was down those 6 pounds last week. I didn't lose anything this week. I didn't make it to the gym once and had to work late each night. Guess I should be glad I didn't gain anything back.
Now that the healthy eating has become more of a habit, figure I might as well keep going with it. And I'll still be sneaking in those trips to the gym whenever I can. My goal for November 1 is to either be down 5 more pounds...or be pregnant!