Happy sad

I'm happy sad tonight. Mr H does not understand how one can be happy sad but I know all you out there will. My brother and sister in law, whom I love dearly, just announced that she's pregnant. I am ecstatic for them. It was their first month trying. They got to do the cute announcements to the family via picture frames and teddy bears. I had all those plans once too. Instead I got to email out beta numbers to a select group of people. Like I said, I am beyond happy for them. I love them both, I'm excited for Sweetness to have a cousin from the normal side of the family (Mr H's bro and SIL are a piece of work). But I'm reminded of just how much IF took from us. Of course, I've got Sweetness, and I couldn't imagine any other baby. Right now I'm just surrounded by people who have been able to plan their families down to the month. It boggles my mind. So it makes me happy sad. I've been trying to go to sleep for about an hour and half already but I keep going over this in my head. Now that it's out, hopefully I'll be too...

If it ain't broke, does it need to be fixed?

I've got 12 minutes before I have to wake Sweetness up to take her to PT so I figured I'd use my time productively writing a post as opposed to mindlessly playing on F.acebook. Because this is productive!

Mel had a great post about resolving infertility that put into words what I've been feeling so much better than I ever could. I just assumed that when I had a child, through whatever means it took to get said child, that I wouldn't have to deal with IF anymore. Well you know what they say about assuming. I've read other bloggers for whom it's true but for me, personally, it couldn't be more false. Yes, the childlessness is gone and the gaping hole in my heart has been filled but I'm still stuck feeling broken. The thought of doing this whole thing over again to give Sweetness a sibling weighs down on me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not laying in bed crying over this 24/7. I do try to enjoy every second of her sweet baby-ness, partially because I know better than to take for granted that I might get to experience it again. But the slightest trigger brings it all back. Could be someone asking me what I'll do different for #2 or of course, someone joking that I've been fixed and better be careful because they know [insert random 16 degrees of separation here] who got pregnant without treatments for their second.

All the language around the IF urban legend of getting pregnant after treatments doesn't help the feelings of brokeness. So many people have used the verb "fix" when giving me their un-solicited assvice. Yet they tell me not to use "broke". Huh???

So with 1 minute left, that's where my head is at. I was trying not to blog about it too much. I mean really, who wants to read about someone lucky enough to have a baby complain about IF or feeling broke. But I might be blogging it out more often, just to clear my head. So thanks in advance for putting up with me.

Playing hooky

I had to take Sweetness to her 9 month appt this morning. Of course they were running late. We get in the car to drive to work and what should take 5 minutes to get the highway takes 20. So I was bad, turned around and am playing hooky. I just didn't see the point of spending an hour in the car, working for 2 hours, then spending another hour and a half in the car to get home. Hopefully I can do enough work this afternoon and this weekend that I can still count the day. I've got no time saved up at all so every day I don't work my paycheck gets docked. Today is worth it though...it's been pouring for 2 days and the thought of sitting in all that traffic. Uggg.

Of course I'm blogging...not working.

Sweetness's appointment went well. I'm questioning their scale though. I weighed her at home the other day using the oh so scientific method of me getting on the scale and then holding her on the scale and she was much heavier. Doesn't matter though. More importantly, we finally got the all clear on the heart issues she had at the hospital. A nice regular rhythm and no need for any more follow up. Thank goodness. Nothing else really mattered.

Off to try to get some work done...

Randomness

- Thanks for the birthday wishes. How lucky am I to share my day with these ladies?

- I had a good day. Kind of weird at times though, it was the first birthday since my dad left. And part of me thinks I sound like a 6 year old saying that. I'm an adult, it shouldn't matter...but it does.

- Still haven't resolved what to do about the whole weaning thing. And I am really stuck on the fact that things are, for once, working as they should. On the flip side, pumping at work is becoming more and more of a hassle. I hate feeding the robot twice a day for 30 or so minutes.

- I had my annual last week. He asked when we were going to start trying for #2. Yikes! Ummm...I have no idea. He did say just to call up and he'll give me a referral back to my RE. I questioned him about the whole BRCA gene and if he thought I should get tested. He was fairly non-committal but said that about 10% of cancer is genetic and the rest is just bad luck. His recommendation was to think about what I would do if it was positive and go from there. I think, that right now, I'm going to wait on it. The test isn't going anywhere, I'm taking all the appropriate proactive steps, and to be perfectly honest, I just don't want to start the whole rigmarole of doctors appointments and tests that it would inevitably be.

- Work--I have never been less motivated in my entire life. I hate that I've become one of those people that is just punching the clock and working for the paycheck. My co-workers and students deserve better but I just don't have it in me.

- Sweetness--is freaking unbelievable! I can not believe she'll be 9 months old on Thursday. Where does the time go??? She's crawling like a mad woman, babbling like crazy, pulling up on everything and her sole mission in life is to eat the cat's tail. She eats better than I do. Tonight for her appetizer (otherwise known as "something to shovel in her mouth while I feed the cat and get her real food ready) she had some cheese, grapes, and chickpeas. All I'd need is a glass of wine with that and it'd be like tapas! Then she had a summer squash medley, then peaches and some yogurt. I had a hot dog...so not fair. And I am proud to say that she's been sleeping through the night for the last 3 weeks. She finally dropped that night feed. I'm really glad I let her do it on her own. So many people were telling me she never would and I should just stop feeding her but not feeding a hungry baby just seemed mean to me. She now goes to bed around 7 or 7:30 and sleeps through until 6:45-7:15. It's perfect!

- Bloggy maintenance. So here's the deal with why I haven't posted in ages. Both blogger and wordpress are blocked at work. What do you all think about typepad? Is it worth the money? And can I password protect some posts but not others? I'm thinking that's the road I want to go down but I'm not sure. (and as an aside, that's another reason I'm annoyed with work, no blogging or facebook). Hopefully I'll switch to a new site soon and can be back to blogging soon. Still won't help my commenting problem...working on that one

Thanks for those of you who check in...I so appreciate it!