Isn't it funny how our "Aha" moments pop up out of nowhere sometimes? I had been doing some serious soul-searching lately on my indecision about weaning. As background, I was never a breast is best person. I figured I'd try breastfeeding, give it a month and a good solid effort, but if it was too much I was perfectly happy switching over to formula. In fact, I committed what many consider to be a cardinal sin of breastfeeding...having formula in the house before the baby was born. Now some will remember my freak-outs and visits with the lactation consultants back in September. Not long after that I became sort of zen about it. I was going to give it my month and then decide without regrets or looking back what to do.
Well, Sweetness will be 8 months old next week and I am starting to have some serious ambivalence when I think about weaning. She's in the process of dropping her night feeding and even that makes me sad. And I've been trying to figure it all out. Why am I so invested in something that was never very important to me? I've been driving poor Mr H crazy talking about it ad naseum when I had my "aha" moment yesterday. It just came out, as if I had been knowing it all along.
I was talking to a co-worker (and good friend) who just came back from maternity leave and our converstation went something like this:
Co-worker: "I can't believe you're still nursing and pumping at 8 months. You always thought that wouldn't be you"
Me: "Don't be surprised, it's purely selfish"
CW: "There's nothing selfish about it, plus you aren't one of those martyr people, you never even mention it."
Me: "It's completely selfish, this is the longest time my body has worked and I don't want to go back to being broken."
Just like that it came out of my mouth. I wasn't even aware I even thought it. And that's really it. Right now my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing...making milk. I still haven't had a post-partum period. I don't want to go back to messed up cycles and the like. Because then I'm broken again.
I wish realizing had helped me come to terms about what to do in regard to weaning. But at least now that I better understand myself, hopefully I can start making progress in that direction.