Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What works

Isn't it funny how our "Aha" moments pop up out of nowhere sometimes? I had been doing some serious soul-searching lately on my indecision about weaning. As background, I was never a breast is best person. I figured I'd try breastfeeding, give it a month and a good solid effort, but if it was too much I was perfectly happy switching over to formula. In fact, I committed what many consider to be a cardinal sin of breastfeeding...having formula in the house before the baby was born. Now some will remember my freak-outs and visits with the lactation consultants back in September. Not long after that I became sort of zen about it. I was going to give it my month and then decide without regrets or looking back what to do.

Well, Sweetness will be 8 months old next week and I am starting to have some serious ambivalence when I think about weaning. She's in the process of dropping her night feeding and even that makes me sad. And I've been trying to figure it all out. Why am I so invested in something that was never very important to me? I've been driving poor Mr H crazy talking about it ad naseum when I had my "aha" moment yesterday. It just came out, as if I had been knowing it all along.

I was talking to a co-worker (and good friend) who just came back from maternity leave and our converstation went something like this:

Co-worker: "I can't believe you're still nursing and pumping at 8 months. You always thought that wouldn't be you"
Me: "Don't be surprised, it's purely selfish"
CW: "There's nothing selfish about it, plus you aren't one of those martyr people, you never even mention it."
Me: "It's completely selfish, this is the longest time my body has worked and I don't want to go back to being broken."

Just like that it came out of my mouth. I wasn't even aware I even thought it. And that's really it. Right now my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing...making milk. I still haven't had a post-partum period. I don't want to go back to messed up cycles and the like. Because then I'm broken again.

I wish realizing had helped me come to terms about what to do in regard to weaning. But at least now that I better understand myself, hopefully I can start making progress in that direction.


Adriane said...

You know, I pumped for a month and then did formula, so I have no experience with weaning. BUT, every one of my girlfriends breastfed and they all had issues with weaning - some were related to bonding with baby, some were related to body stuff. Whatever it is, I hear it's tough. But, it's super funny how you had an aha moment. Didn't even know you felt that way! Good luck with the decision'll make the right decision for you.

Jennifer said...

I've heard from several of my girlie friends too that they had issues weaning - for several reasons - because of the bond or because baby wouldn't take a bottle, etc...I hope you find a way to make the decision that feels right to you!

Deborah said...

Tough decision. I hate pumping and have been thinking about giving it up, but continuing to nurse at home. My little guy seems to love nursing, and I love it too. I can't imagine stopping, and I know it'll be hard when it happens. Good luck with that. I'll be interested to hear how it goes when you get there.

Fertilized said...

You have my thoughts. This is a hard thing to do. I am sorry you still feel the scars of IF

peesticksandstones said...

Wow, what an awesome post. Even though we're still some weeks away from this baby being born, I have been OBSESSED with the breastfeeding thing. Probably much moreso than the birth.

I'm just terrified of discovering yet another way my "womanly functions" don't work -- another way to feel broken. I really, really want to feed my baby like a normal person and maybe heal through the experience.

Trying to tell myself it will be more important to be kind to myself no matter how things work out. But jeez, how weird my infertility/miscarriage trauma found its way here too.

battynurse said...

Isn't it funny the things we realize when we aren't trying to figure it out.

Kim said...

I felt the very same way. And it was absolutely because after battling so many unusual and stubborn reproduction-related problems, it was rather addictive, this positive feeling about my body. Fashion magazines have nothing on how infertility can make us feel about our bodies.
I hope however you proceed it feels right for you.

JJ said...

As you may have read, I weaned early--it was for many reasons, but if you need ANY assvice or suggestions, I definitely have some. But I do know you'll do it when it feels best for you!

docgrumbles said...

First, I am so jealous that your body is working so well.

Second, when it does, I completely see how you'd want to keep in that fully functional zone.

Jennifer said...

Hi Meghan,
I'm making my blog private to invited readers only...if you'd like to be on the reader list, please email me your email address at

and I'll get you added!

Thanks, Jen

Jen said...

Happy birthday! :)

Jendeis said...

Happy birthday girl!!