Monday, April 20, 2009

Workin for a livin

Look at me, 2 posts in 2 days!!

Just a little disclaimer that posts like this used to drive me CRAZY, so I won't be the least bit offended if someone decides not to read.

I went back to work in January then took another leave in mid February. I say I did this because Sweetness needs PT but in really, it was for me. Work was fairly understanding and let me come in just one day a week.

I've had a love/hate relationship with working one day a week. On one hand, I love being home with Sweetness. She is just the most fun right now, learning something new every day. But I am someone who hates not giving 100% and not doing my job well. And being in 1 day a week just sucked. I would start dreading it the day before. I would have to spend the beginning part of the day getting caught up in changes to treatment plans and then would spend the rest of the day feeling completely ineffective because while my position is important to the development of the program, in terms of day to day operations, I'm not missed that much. And feeling that replaceable kind of sucks.

So starting in April I've been going in 2 days a week. Mostly to ease myself back into full time, which will have to happen in May. And that thought I really hate. I've gotten over all my issues with the Spanish speaking nanny. I made myself some flashcards and we've gotten pretty good at communicating to each other. As an aside, I think she really appreciates the effort I've made to learn some Spanish (the other family in the nanny share just calls her son to translate for her) and suddenly it seems that she knows more english than she did before. But I just don't want to work full time at all. I know it is short term and that in September I'll be job sharing, working 3 days a week...but I don't want to do that either.

This will probably be controversial and I am not saying that fertile parents don't love their kids, but I really think that in light of everything it took to get Sweetness here, I don't want to miss a single second of her growing up. I could care less that I hardly ever shower, that money is tight, that today I left the house with dried up Puffs on my shoulder. What I care about is that she takes her best naps snuggled up on my chest, that her whole body smiles when Mr H or I walk into a room, and that her giggle is the sweetest sound I've ever heard in my entire life. I don't want to take a single moment of all that for granted because I know that I am incredibly lucky and blessed to have been given such a gift.

Of course none of this is news to anyone. Most working moms miss their kids during the day and wonder if they are doing the right thing. But for some reason, the idea of working sends me right back to the brink of being depressed all the time. And I hated when I was depressed all the time. Plus I always figured that I was depressed all the time because I wanted a baby and couldn't have one. Now I've got the baby and the depression comes back?!?! I don't think it's PPD, since she's almost 8 months old, just 'plain ol I hate how some things in my life are' depression.

Which is equally ridiculous because I really am the luckiest person in the world. And I know it. I've got a husband who is an equal partner in pretty much every way and a healthy happy baby. What right do I have to complain??

There are no good answers here I know. We have no money and are slowly blowing through our savings. And while we're very lucky that Mr H's job is extremely secure, as is mine, it is still a bad time to be out of work. I guess mostly I'm just surprised that if we won the lottery, I would walk away and not look back. I always thought I'd be a super mom and wouldn't want to give up my career. But now it's career....what career? And super mom...what a joke!

Kudos to you if you've read through all these ramblings. I so miss blogging, getting it out there usually helps me to see everything clearer. Here's to getting over myself, right?


Jen said...

It seems to me like about half of moms want to work and about half want to stay home. And then half of each of those halves actually get to do what they want.

I hope you get what you want. Maybe you should start buying lottery tickets?

are things complicated yet? said...

Yes, yes and YES.

I'm not sayin' I'm special because it took me a long time to have a baby, but, uh, I FEEL SPECIAL. And I want special treatment and I want to not have to work so I can spend time watching my only child grow up.

I have gone back and forth and thought a lot about this over the past 6 months and what I come to every time is this: I can't win. With every situation in life there's a catch and right now the catch just kind of sucks.

I hear ya.

Mommy Shoes said...

I feel exactly the same way. And just the thought of returning p/t in Sept and f/t in Jan makes me tear up. This may be the only baby I ever get, I don't want to miss a thing.

Rachel said...

Just wanted to write and say I hope that you find a plan that works for you, and even though it's late for PPD it is probably still worth calling your doctor to check in. It is really easy to feel overwhelmed when trying to balance everything, and any help you can get in alleviating the stress is obviously worth it.

battynurse said...

Good to hear from you! I think as far as working or not each person/family has to decide what works for them. I understand the wanting to work from home. I also know that I always thought that with as much time as I put into getting my nursing degree I would never leave no matter what (lottery or not:)). Now I know that if I was able I'd leave in a heart beat. Not that I don't like what I do but it's what I do, not who I am. I hope you get to spend as much time as possible with your little one.
Cool that you're learning a little spanish. I am lately too since probably half of my patients are spanish speaking.
I hope all those in your family who are looking at medical difficulties get to doing better and no long standing problems. Hugs to you.

Morrisa said...

I understand what you are saying. However, for me I am not sure I would want to stay home even if I could afford it, which I can't.

Fertilized said...

Hang in there - options are always good

K @ ourboxofrain said...

I have similar issues. I was always a 'I'd work even if I won the lottery' type, but I'm not so sure anymore. Now I'm more of a 'I'd work once Harry is in school, working only when he's at school, even if I won the lottery' type. I hope you figure out a solution/balance that works for you.

I remember having discussions in high school about the challenges of balancing work and family, and one of my friends said she wanted to stay home with her kids, and that seemed so weird, because every mom I knew worked, plus it all seemed so removed from my life then. Fifteen years later, I'm thinking my friend was just a bit more self-aware than I was at the time.

Shelby said...

First off- hugs!! Sounds like you could use one.

Secondly, I totally get where you are coming from. There is actually a book called the Mommy Wars, which does a good job of explaining the battles we go through as working moms and stay at home moms, in how we make our decisions, and how we balance everything. I'm about 1/2 way through, and it's great. Definitely puts things into perspective.

Thirdly- I know you think it's too early for PPD, but it's really not. I say that, because after my daughter, it was about 8-9 months before I had real symptoms of PPD, and after talking with my doctor and therapist, we realized that some of the symptoms were there all along, just being ignored. I'd definitely check in with your Doc and let him/her know what's going on. It takes a long time to really balance out.

And fourthly, if you want to grab coffee sometime and chat, let me know! I'm around.

Maria said...

I totally agree with what Jen said!! It's so hard to find what works best for everyone and what makes us the most happy. It seems that most of the time those are not the same things.

Good luck and I hope you get what makes you feel happy and fulfilled.


Adriane said...

Are you in my head or what? Geez! It is so freaking hard to do it all. I totally thought I'd be into my career, and I just am not. Crazy how things change. I've decided that I'm not the same person I was a year ago. My priorities have changed (so cliche). Not only do I not want to work 60+ hrs/week, I truly can't work that much anymore. That person doesn't live here anymore.

The job sharing thing sounds cool. Hopefully you can get through the summer unscathed. :-) Can't wait to hear some stories about the nanny and flashcards....sounds like it could be the source of some entertaining posts! :-)

K77 said...

I'm a SAHM and love it, wouldn't have it any other way. Infertility just amplifies the desire for me.

Jennifer said...

I work full time - from home on mondays but otherwise, i'm in the office all week. However, working from home all week is not an option (I'd get nothing done, considering how demanding Julian can be). And we need the money.

It's really hard...really hard...being away from him those days! I can completely relate. I just take in as much as I can of my little man when I am home (I make a point to leave the office on time, so I get enough time with him in the evenings)! I worry I will miss so much by not being there, but at the same time I'm glad he's getting a chance to bond with my mom 2 days/week (and the nanny 2 day).

Lea Bee said...

leaving the baby at home is very very hard!

docgrumbles said...

I totally get all of it!

I don't want to even go in for my yearly eval meeting next week! One hour at week in the last 4 months seems too much time away from JAG!

chicklet said...

You're back! Welome!