I've been thinking about starting to blog for awhile. Then today, just as I was thinking "I should really start a blog, even if just for an online journal", one of my favorite songs by The N.ields came on. The chorus goes like this,
Everybody wants a little sweetness,
Nothing wrong,
Nothing wrong,
Nothing wrong.
And that pretty much summed it up for me. For a long time now, all I've wanted is a little sweetness, nothing more than that.
I'm still not sure exactly what I'll use this blog for and who will read it. I'll probably talk quite a bit about my feelings and thoughts as we go through our infertility treatments. And I guess I'll have to decide if I send this out to family or not.
For now, it's a start...
thanks for reading
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About Me
- Meghan
- This is a little bit about me, my hubby, and our journey to start a family.
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Total out of pocket expenses to date
$3487.41~that includes various co-pays, 1 CD 3 bloodwork and 1 ultrasound for testing, HSG, 2 betas, IUI #1 (meds, 3x b/w and u/s, IUI, and beta), IUI #2 (meds, 3x u/s, 2x b/w, IUI)
Our timeline
- Jan 22 saw heartbeat at 6w3d...guess it's real
- 18 dpiui beta = 1077!
- 16dpiui beta = 450
- 13dpiui beta = 121
- Dec 07- IUI #2- 50 mg C.lomid + 150 IU F.ollistim = BFP!
- Nov 07- IUI #1-50 mg C.lomid + 75 IU f.ollistim = BFN
- Nov 5- BFN, beta dropped to less than 5, chemical pregnancy
- Nov 1-BFP on 4 HPT--what a suprise!!!!
- October 07-Sept was annovulatory, waiting on AF to start first IUI
- September 07-on the bench
- August 07- officially diagnosed with "unexplained fertility", going to start with IUI
- July/August 07- CD 3 bloodwork all normal, HSG all clear!!!
- June 07-finally get first RE appt!
- March 07- CD 21 progesterone test showed I didn't ovulate that month, Hubby's SA came back with low morphology. Gyno referred us to an RE
- Feb 07- scheduled appt with gyno, charting showed late O and probably LPD
- June 06- got serious! Started charting and using CBEFM
- June 05- went off bcp, sometimes preventing, sometimes trying, not taking the whole thing too seriously
- April 05- We got married!!
5 comments:
There are many of us right along side of you. Keep your strength. Keep your journal to yourself, until you are sure you are ready for family to read. I'm still not ready.
Welcome to the blogosphere.
So I am getting caught up on your blog here, and noticed you mentioned the Nields. Did you ever listen to Moxy Fruvous? I just notice a lot of crossover...
What is it with genetic trash women who think that they are owed a child?
Dear barren women,
Accept the fact that children are a privilege, and remind yourself that many people live happy and fulfilling lives without parenthood.
You have the necessary alternatives, like adoption, to fulfil the desire, and your mental frustration can be resolved if you rid yourself of your toxic feelings of entitlement. You can be happy without children, but not if you’ve convinced yourself that you were meant to have them. Human beings can adjust to unbelievable hardships, as long as they accept that life doesn’t owe them anything.
Not having children is a very minor problem compared to what some people endure, and the fact that it requires the creation of another person without their consent should be adequate proof that it isn’t a right. Yet by identifying as “infertile” you’ve chosen to align yourself with a group of women who view parenthood as a human right. Saying that you are “desperate” for a baby sends the same message, as though a baby was a basic human entitlement like food.
The maternal instincts of humans are strong, but they are not outside of your control. You can satisfy your desire for parenthood and nurturing by adopting, just like everyone else who finds themselves infertile at the time. It is only to be expected that you’ll have moments when you long for a biological child, but you decide if you will allow yourself to wallow in your longing or if you will focus on finding more productive ways to spend your time.
If you are truly depressed then it isn’t because you are infertile, but the belief that you are being denied something that you are entitled to could contribute to your problems. It’s not infertility in itself that will hurt your emotional health, it’s the way you think about parenthood. A lot of the same women who identify as "involuntary childless" are the same ones who define femininity by motherhood, and with that attitude, not having children begins to equal not being a woman – and that idea could contribute to a crisis.
I want to make one thing absolutely clear: If you believe that you are suffering from depression, you need to seek help from a professional. If you used the word “depressed” more colloquially to say that you feel sad and unhappy, you may still want to discuss your feelings with a therapist, but sadness and frustration would be a normal response to being robbed of something that you view as a human right. That is obviously not what is happening to you, but emotionally you will respond to events as you experience them as opposed to how to they really took place.
Infertiles often talk about discrimination and stigma. Natural selection declares that not every single individual is supposed to reproduce. Infertiles do not want to accept this, so they choose to believe that women are being denied something in an act of discrimination. Being the victim of discrimination multiple times a day, being denied something that you are entitled to, and watching as everyone else but you experiences what you want would be extremely upsetting. That’s not what’s going on though, so happiness can be found by shedding your voluntary delusions.
You are not entitled to children, you don’t deserve to create and own a living creature, and the fact that nature itself has declared this speaks volumes to that. You do not need children, and you can be happy without them.
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