When asked to write a letter to you, at first I wasn't sure where to start. Am I mad at you, upset? Am I ecstatic that you are nurturing a little life inside of me? I don't even know.
Then I thought about something my dad used to say to me all the time. Growing up, he always lectured me about DTA, Don't Trust Anybody...even when you think you can trust them, think before you do. There were times were I rolled my eyes at him, then the times I got burned and realized he was right, and then the other times when I realized you have to let people in and trust them in order to have any real relationships. So I walk a fine line, making people earn my trust, but once they do, I give it freely and expect it in return. When that trust gets broken, I have a very hard time giving it back.
How does this related to you, dear body? I always trusted you. And you always lived up to that trust. And I pushed you, running, hiking, rock climbing, mountain climbing, etc. And that trust was repaid. I knew, just knew, that if I needed you to give me the extra push to win a race, you would. And together we went all-state. And I knew, if hanging on the rocks at G.reat F.alls, I need to lunge for the next hold, that you'd make it. I like to think that I respected this trust and took good care of you in return. Sure, there have been times when I may have consumed a bit to much of the 'juice' but other than that, for the last almost 10 years you've been fed all organic, local, yummy food (hey, and sometimes even the wine was organic). I kept you healthy and you repayed me. We trusted each other.
But then than trust got broken. Just like I knew I'd make the lunge across the rocks or win the race, I knew that I'd get pregnant. Now, I wasn't naive enough to think it would happen right away...but I trusted you. One year down, and that trust was getting rusty. Still I thought that maybe we hadn't prepped enough. You know, you've got to train for something you really want. So I went at this full force. You remember the drill, waking up on the weekends to take our temperature, peeing on sticks every morning, checking cervical fluids, etc. Six months later, nothing. Then we start the doctor's appointments. You know what we find....unexplained infertility....no medical reason not to be pregnant. Do you know what that means....I can not trust you.
Then, you surprise me, right before we're going to start treatments, we get pregnant. Wow! Maybe I should have trusted you all along, you're making that leap, just a little slowly. Then you do the unthinkable, not even a week into it, it's gone. I obviously can not trust you at all. No one I trust would do this to me.
Now we're at it again, and this time we've made it 12 weeks. And I want to trust you, really I do. But I'm having such a hard time. I can't stop thinking, DTA....don't trust anybody, even when you think you can. So where does that leave me? You're doing the most important job I've ever given you, and I can't trust you to carry this project through. So right now I'm delegating, trusting the baby instead of you. And I'm really hoping we can come through this and earn all that trust back, on both sides. I need you back in my life, on my side.
the wonder Mel at Stirrup Queens AND Blogher took up the next leg of the Letter to My Body campaign. Check out her posts and write you own