yet another rant

So I have some real posts in the works; including some pictures from the wedding last weekend, some medical news I got that I'm still iffy on, my progress with NaComLeavMo, and of course, potential family drama. But first I need to yell and scream for a minute.

There's a young girl here at work that I can not stand. She's just horrible immature and I have to have all these development meetings with her and basically tell her that she needs to think before she speaks and generally just keep her mouth shut more often. She's always spewing gossip, is beyond un-professional, and at times, has violated confidentiality. She's almost been fired for her big mouth. So this morning, I walk into a classroom a few seconds after her and she's announcing for the whole world to hear, "I can't believe I'm freaking pregnant, there is no way I'm keeping the thing". Now IF Meghan outranked supervisor Meghan at this point and I just turned around. This hit me hard. I have always been pro-choice. I knew that I would probably choose to keep a baby but that the choice should still be up to me. But I just wanted to shake this girl. Without even clicking through my blogroll I can think of at least 5 people who would love to love this baby. I just wish I didn't know.

(and to just add to the gossip-y badness of it, she's been quite vocal about hooking up with a guy in another classroom so now the whole world knows his business too)

Sorry for yet another rant, I promise I'll have some real posts up in the next couple of days

full circle

Saturday night I came full circle, I was right back being the infertile girl crying in the bathroom of a restaurant, except I was the pregnant infertile...if that makes any sense.

The night started out innocently enough, we were at an engagement party right on the water in G.eorgetown. I'm happily drinking my seltzer and cranberry juice talking to some people I hadn't seen in forever when another couple shows up. She sees my belly, does the whole 'how far along are you' thing and says she's pregnant too, but she barely has a heartbeat yet and can't wait for her dr's appointment in 2 weeks. The girl is 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. Now let's start with the fact that this is someone I already am not a huge fan of. She then goes on and on to talk about her pregnancy (all 2 weeks she's known about it), but then mentions that she had been trying for a year and a half and it gets not too fun. For a second I think I've found a fellow stirrup queen and I agree with her. She then goes on to talk about all the stress people put on themselves when they don't get pregnant right away and how that just makes it worse. That all of this infertility business is just women wanting immediate gratification (ha....you can tell she never waited for test results, nothing immediate about all that) and everyone just needs to relax. Now I know I should have used this as an opportunity to do a little bit of education, but I just couldn't. Instead I (rather bitchily) mumbled under my breath, "your baby could be dead already and you don't even know it" (**ok, not proud of that comment at all, I don't think anyone heard me. I really don't wish a miscarriage on anyone) and excused myself. Seconds later I found myself in the bathroom just sobbing, just like I used to when I'd show up at a party and discover someone was pregnant. I guess she brought up all those old emotions, I've had people say those same things to me before and they always generate the same reaction: anger and tears. I guess now is no different. Part of me just wishes I could have been that naive.

Other than that little episode, I had a great weekend. No pics taken, I was running really late getting ready but with my bro's wedding this weekend, I'm sure there will be plenty!

Sunday I bit the bullet and started a registry. Talk about overwhelming. Halfway through the store I didn't think I was going to make it so we stopped and just did what we had to do...the crib. They say allow 8-12 weeks for delivery but I've heard it taking as long as 16, and we've only got 17 to go (again, hoping I'm not tempting fate with all this). But we actually made our decision fairly easily. If I can find some pics on line I'll post them. I just want to check around online for the best price and should have it ordered by Wednesday. Sucks that we need to go back, since the store was a complete zoo, but there was no way I could have finished. We were both so overwhelmed by everything. And I thought I was well prepared having read the books, flagged the pages of things I was interested in, etc.

Now back to work, luckily a short week since I'll be leaving early on Thursday and am taking Friday off for the wedding. I'm going to be such an emotional basketcase. I'm just so glad my brother picked someone I like, she's already my sister, just now we're making it official (ha, makes it sound like I'm marrying her ;)

If you've got a sec, go send some love to Leah. She's probably having little Spidey as we speak!

dr updates and stuff

And the award for being smarter than my dr goes to.....(drumroll please)....Leah!!!! The answer to my sitting in traffic woes is that I probably have an irritable uterus. The lovely Leah guessed it right 6 weeks ago! He said he wasn't worried since it's pretty much just isolated to when I'm sitting in traffic and that when we sit, the uterus tilts forward a little bit. Gave me the whole try to shift positions and rest talk. So Monday morning when the traffic reports say someone is taking a nap in her car, laying on her left side, in the middle of the Am.erican L.egion bridge, all you local ladies can think of me! If it continues or gets worse later in the pregnancy we'll talk about putting me on a modified work schedule. With no traffic I can be at work in 20 minutes, during rush hour it's at least double that (on a good day). Also said the cervix wasn't an issue. Apparently the tech did 3 measurements and the other 2 were all over 3, he thinks that one was just a funny angle or something. All in all I was told I was a model patient. He said the words I think every woman should hear from a medical professional, "Your weight gain is just perfect". LOVE it. Gained 4 pounds last month and am up 10 so far for the pregnancy. The basketball that is currently shoved underneath my rib cage really seems to be more than that though.

So I'm going to try to relax and enjoy the next few weeks. I'm at a point where I feel pretty good and can feel Q moving all day long. I know the uncomfortable times are approaching so I figure I should take advantage of feeling fairly good. Might venture to B.uy B.uy B.aby this weekend to start looking at things, we'll see. It still feels like tempting fate but I know it needs to be done. They say cribs and furniture can sometimes take over 12 weeks to arrive and I have no idea what I like or want yet. During my insomnia last night (been up since 2:30 this morning) I read Consu.mer Reports Baby Products and B.aby B.argains so I've got some starting point. All I really know is I don't want anything over the top and I'd like to be somewhat minimalistic about this...babies don't really need that much, especially in the beginning.

On a fun note I got a bonus yesterday! Most of it went to the massive credit card bill from our March vacation but I did splurge and get my hair cut and highlights at the good place last night. It's a mini spa and they walk around with chocolates, cheese, bottles of water. Mr H always laughs saying I pay over 200 for a bottle of water but since I only do it about once a year, I think it's fine. This way it'll look good next weekend for the wedding. We're going to an engagement party this weekend and since I'll look fancy, maybe I'll be brave and post a pic or two.

Hope everyone has a good weekend....and while you're here, go click over to Morissa and send her some good vibes while she waits for her beta

a real post for you all

Here you go, something real, as opposed to me just posting a news link and ranting for a few lines here and there. But before I do that, I have one more link I need to post. This post from our wonderful Mel...wow...talk about powerful...it's just perfect. I wish I could comment on it half as eloquently as she wrote it. I even forwarded it along to Mr H so he would hopefully understand a little bit of my funk. And he did, so a big thanks to Mel for that.

Still in and out of my funk. I've figured out my biggest trigger and am working to avoid it. Problem is, that trigger is my mother and she's pretty much obsessed with me and Q right now. I won't go into it all but here's a small sampling. Apparently, in early December, right as IUI #1 was failing and I was still drowning from the incredible mindfuck of the chemical pregnancy mess in November, she bought extra stocking holders and Baby's First Ch.ristmas ornaments. Why you ask....because she had faith in me and knew I could do it. I tried to rationally explain that none of this was about me, it as about science and drs and just how hurtful some of those comments were. And then of course, before my Level II ultrasound, I mentioned how nervous I was and all I really cared about was everything being ok. Of course she told me not to worry...because I wouldn't let anything bad happen to the baby. Which once again, puts any past and potential failures squarely on my shoulders. There's been more but I'll spare you the drama. I feel a little bad, since little by little I'm cutting her out of this pregnancy but I often end up in such a downward spiral after talking with her.

Other than my random funks, things are going fairly well. Very noticeable belly at this point and Mr H can feel Q most of the time. I've got an OB appointment tomorrow morning. Once again, I have a list of questions, a long list. Big things I want reassurance on are my cervix length (it was 2.8 at my u/s and from what I read, in a singleton while the minimum is 2.5 they like it 3 and over) and the fact that my uterus HATES traffic. I've got a 40-60 minute commute each way and I get 2-3 b.raxton h.icks each way. Aside from then, I hardly ever get them. And the other times makes sense...a hard kick, really full bladder, etc. I even stumped g.oogle. I've tried changing the lumbar thing, re-arranging my seat belt, seat angle...pretty much everything I can think of. Anyone else have this? It's very random and started getting bad about a week ago. Really makes me dread getting up and going to work. Today I decided to do some work from home and then go in around 10, since without traffic it's only a 20 minute drive.

I know I should have more to write about. Things have been crazy on all fronts. My brother's getting married next weekend. Very excited though that I bought a bridesmaids dress a few sizes too big and it worked! Seamstress is just going to take out the boning (no flat belly corset for me) and adjust some of the rouching on it. It looks great! And it is very nice to not be crash dieting before a wedding...first time I think!

No promises, but I'm going to try to be a better poster/commentor. I miss you all!

what the f?

This is just un-freakin-believable! And what do you want to bet the parents of this child had NO problem getting or staying pregnant? Meanwhile, I'm completely freaked out that S.tarbucks accidentally gave me caffeine instead of de-caf. What is wrong with people??

**and I promise a more substantial post is on its way

really?

**disclaimer** I wouldn't read this if you're not in a good place

Are you kidding me? They have to stop, it's getting ridiculous. They alone are going to responsible for SOOO much over-population. I couldn't even read the whole stupid thing about God's gifts and all that nonsense. And if I was 20, I'd be a little weirded out that my mom kept getting knocked up.

And one more thing...who the fuck announces they are pregnant to the entire world wide web???

no one gets it

No one else in my life, even those who know that it took us 2.5 years to get here, seems to understand that I'm still scared and still don't believe this is really true. I'm scared to buy more maternity clothes and am fine alternating between the 2 pairs of pants I have. And I can't even begin to think about nursery bedding, cribs, registering, or all that other stuff. And names! Suddenly people expect us to have a name ready. It's all so crazy to me. It all seems so far away. I can't help but think that it's all wishful thinking on my part. I look at some other people's blogs and they all seem to together, already doing all those things. I will admit that I got temporarily giddy with excitement after the ultrasound and keep looking at the one little outfit my cousin got me....but I've lost the giddiness. And then of course I feel bad that this little girl isn't getting the best of me and will someone stumble across these postings years from now and think that I wasn't thrilled beyond words or that I didn't want her enough.

Years ago I had an PTSD related anxiety disorder that I did work through, my therapist would always make me talk about my 'death thoughts'. It took years before I could rationalize away each thought as it popped into my head. Well now I don't have thoughts about me dying, but of this baby. And I can't rationalize them. I know that part of it is because I never really dealt with the chemical pregnancy (or whatever it was) in November. But all I keep thinking is if that pregnancy could be taken after a week....why can't this after 20? There's really no rhyme or reason to all this...and I like both rhyme and reason.

I keep telling myself that I should be out of this funk, that I'm doing a disservice to every women still in the throws of treatments by not reveling in the fact that I managed to get lucky. But I can't shake it....

uggg...I hate what IF has done to me....