Monday, May 19, 2008

full circle

Saturday night I came full circle, I was right back being the infertile girl crying in the bathroom of a restaurant, except I was the pregnant infertile...if that makes any sense.

The night started out innocently enough, we were at an engagement party right on the water in G.eorgetown. I'm happily drinking my seltzer and cranberry juice talking to some people I hadn't seen in forever when another couple shows up. She sees my belly, does the whole 'how far along are you' thing and says she's pregnant too, but she barely has a heartbeat yet and can't wait for her dr's appointment in 2 weeks. The girl is 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. Now let's start with the fact that this is someone I already am not a huge fan of. She then goes on and on to talk about her pregnancy (all 2 weeks she's known about it), but then mentions that she had been trying for a year and a half and it gets not too fun. For a second I think I've found a fellow stirrup queen and I agree with her. She then goes on to talk about all the stress people put on themselves when they don't get pregnant right away and how that just makes it worse. That all of this infertility business is just women wanting immediate gratification (ha....you can tell she never waited for test results, nothing immediate about all that) and everyone just needs to relax. Now I know I should have used this as an opportunity to do a little bit of education, but I just couldn't. Instead I (rather bitchily) mumbled under my breath, "your baby could be dead already and you don't even know it" (**ok, not proud of that comment at all, I don't think anyone heard me. I really don't wish a miscarriage on anyone) and excused myself. Seconds later I found myself in the bathroom just sobbing, just like I used to when I'd show up at a party and discover someone was pregnant. I guess she brought up all those old emotions, I've had people say those same things to me before and they always generate the same reaction: anger and tears. I guess now is no different. Part of me just wishes I could have been that naive.

Other than that little episode, I had a great weekend. No pics taken, I was running really late getting ready but with my bro's wedding this weekend, I'm sure there will be plenty!

Sunday I bit the bullet and started a registry. Talk about overwhelming. Halfway through the store I didn't think I was going to make it so we stopped and just did what we had to do...the crib. They say allow 8-12 weeks for delivery but I've heard it taking as long as 16, and we've only got 17 to go (again, hoping I'm not tempting fate with all this). But we actually made our decision fairly easily. If I can find some pics on line I'll post them. I just want to check around online for the best price and should have it ordered by Wednesday. Sucks that we need to go back, since the store was a complete zoo, but there was no way I could have finished. We were both so overwhelmed by everything. And I thought I was well prepared having read the books, flagged the pages of things I was interested in, etc.

Now back to work, luckily a short week since I'll be leaving early on Thursday and am taking Friday off for the wedding. I'm going to be such an emotional basketcase. I'm just so glad my brother picked someone I like, she's already my sister, just now we're making it official (ha, makes it sound like I'm marrying her ;)

If you've got a sec, go send some love to Leah. She's probably having little Spidey as we speak!

33 comments:

Jen said...

I don't blame you. She would have driven me crazy! Immediate gratification! Argh!

I'm being pressured to start a registry already. You know, everyone has known for all of five days and they need to BUY STUFF NOW. I will probably break down and do it, so that at least I get stuff I like. Where did you register?

Deborah said...

For some reason, those are the folks who bother me the most. Like my friend who took a year to get pregnant and, when she heard about my difficulties, said "but you're so young! you have all the time in the world!" Or the one (single, not TTC) who heard I was pregnant and basically said, "see, you weren't infertile. you just needed to be patient." Argh! Sorry that happened to you.

Heather said...

There is a part of me that wishes I could be that naive too...but then I realize I would be the one saying something hurtful to someone else. Infertility has taught me empathy and that means so much to me.

Morrisa said...

I think those feelings we have as an IFer never really go away. I wish I could be as niave as that girl!

The Town Criers said...

Isn't it so strange how those emotions can still bubble away right under the surface and pop up when we least expect it? Sending a hug, sweetie.

Dr. Grumbles said...

Wow! I had no idea relaxing can cure endometriosis, hypothyroidism, polyps, uterine malformation, tube blockage, and PCOS! If only people knew this!

Dr. Grumbles said...

I also forgot to mention that taking over a year to conceive is linked to higher miscarriage risk, so your acquaintance should keep her trap shut for a few more weeks.

Fertilized said...

Oh dear lord - some people!

good luck with your registry - I had to make a few small trips - it was so overwhelming

Jen said...

She tried for a year and a half and is still obnoxious? While seeking help for IF is a personal choice, going to a doctor when it is appropriate is hardly instant gratification. Maybe something is actually wrong that could prevent her from getting pregnant in the future or even maintaining this pregnancy. Ugh. It sounds like somebody needs to step down from their high horse.

infertility just sucks said...

I get it - she's excited to be pregnant and thinks she's "been through the wringer" but, from your perspective she doesn't even know what painful is.

And she's annoying anyway, so double whammy on her!

hoping for a child said...

i'm sorry she upset you...people are stupid. enjoy the wedding. it's nice you like your soon to be SIL.

dmarie said...

Aww--I'm sorry that convo made you go there. Totally understandable though.

Enjoy the wedding!

Michell said...

Ugg. People making comments like that make me buggy. I'm sorry about the crying in the bathroom. It sucks that all of this comes back to haunt at every turn. Have fun at the wedding and good luck with the registry.

chicklet said...

I have a friend who regularly tells me how I need to relax, that she really believes it plays a part in this, and while I know I SHOULD argue with her, I don't. Some people just don't get it so with some I just don't bother. Argh, she (your friend) woulda driven me crazy.

K77 said...

Ugh. Once an infertile, always an infertile, I am finding.

People get REALLY insensitive and feel like they can say whatever they like (& they know ALL!) once they can SEE that you are pg.

I wonder just how "hard" she was trying over that year and a half. Was it that they just ditched the contraception? Or was it 18 months of charting, CM, timing etc etc.

sara said...

Congrats on starting the registry! My husband and I were talking about it last night of when we would be brave enough to start one ourselves...we didn't come to any conclusions. I'm so sorry you had to deal with the insensitive comments this weekend. The thought of you having to deal with that and be in the bathroom literally breaks my heart because if you looked up in the mirror, that could had been my face. The infertile pregnant, that is one I feel almost everyday. Sometimes I feel like when I sit in the OB's waiting room I don't really have anything in common with these other pregnant women. Yes we're all pregnant, but I feel like my thoughts are so different than theirs. Your post really hit home to me today. Thanks for sharing it, I understand your thoughts on your friend exactly. Hope you have an awesome, worry free week!

TeamWinks said...

I really don't appreciate when people carry on about things they know nothing about. I would have been torn between tears and having steam blow out my ears.

www.armsforanangel.wordpress.com

Busted said...

It's hard to never be completely "normal". I remember when I was pregnant, finding out DH's coworker and his wife were expecting, and I was SO upset, even though at the time everything was fine with our pregnancy.

Big hugs, sweetie.

Penny said...

Oh geez, I think I might have melted into the carpet had I had to listen to that girl. Relax should be stricken from all conversation when dealing with fertility.

~Carrie said...

I read your post and immediately had the urge to smack that girl. (and I'm not violent - really I'm not.) Wonder what she would think if someone suggested to her that if *she* had maybe 'relaxed' more she wouldn't have had to wait 1.5 years. And you know, sometimes us infertiles *are* impatient, especially when we're over 35! Relaxing doesn't somehow make your eggs any younger.

I can understand someone being excited after trying and announcing the pregnancy early on - it's the attitude that those of us who have trouble conceiving are just a bunch of impatent whiners that really grinds my gears.

Hope you have a great time at the wedding!

Sunny said...

Bless your little heart. MAN you are a better person than I am. I think I would have really wished ugly things on her, rolled my eyes, and told her my story.

HUGS!

Shelby said...

Wow, it amazes me how insensitive people can be! Instant gratification?! Are you kidding me?!

I do hope you have a nice weekend!

Rebecca said...

Screw that girl...she has no idea and has probably that instant gratification thing for most of her life. Whatever!

We went into Babies R Us once and then did our registry online...it was so overwhelming! Most people wouldn't have done it like that, but it worked for us! I wouldn't worry about the crib too much...you could always use the cradle or a bouncer for the first few week, right?

Julia said...

I just don't get people (particularly women) like that-- the ones who put down others for dealing with a difficult emotional experience in a way that is not their own. How very know-it-all of them, and how very cruel. I don't think I would have been graceful with her at all.
Heck, I may get a chance to find out-- I have a get-together today where there will be people who have the potential to say very stupid things. We'll see...

Have fun at the wedding! My sister is getting married this summer too, so it's still ahead of me.

Laura said...

NaComLeavMoI have had those "your baby could be dead" thoughts too and while I am not proud of them they helped me get through those moments!

Being told by a friend who was pregnant on her 3rd (after spending 9 months trying to get pregnant) that she knew how hard it was for me (at that point I had done 2 IVF's, was starting to organise my 3rd cycle & had been living with infertility for 2.5 years) was one of those moments when you just want to reach out and slap someone.

I am glad your weekend was good otherwise.

momofonefornow said...

OK, so the under the breath comment was inappropriate but, who can blame you? What a twit that girl is!

I know exactly what you mean about registering. I think I had to trek over to the rocking chair section at the baby mega store at least 3 times because my back hurt so badly I could no longer stand up!

MomMD said...

How insensitive! That girl would have driven me crazy, too. Ah, stupid people.

What theme/colors are you going with for the nursery? Post pics if you can! :)

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I LOVE that you said that to her, I really do. She reminds me of my cousin who took 14 months to get pregnant and now says that staying positive is what made it work. They are perhaps the worst offenders in our world. At least people who got pregnant easily can be reigned in with explanations of our experiences......

Have you tried registering online? I spent lots of time online before I ventured in the mega baby store. I can't tell you how much it helped me - I went in with the intent of making sure everything I picked looked the same in person (had to make sure those blankets were soft!). And I still prefer online to going into the store.

Luckily, we have a crib - my sister saved the one that was used for my nieces in the hope that it would become a family heirloom. But I understand the pressure completely. I can't seem to even seriously look at changing tables, etc.

I really hope that you post pics from the wedding!! And have a wonderful time!!!

XOXOXO

Bugged said...

Once infertile, always infertile, the sting never leaves and the urge to defend and educate burns like torch up one's beeehind...

Kim said...

Congrats on your pregnancy! Eight years and three kiddos later and the sting of infertility is still so raw at times. Of course having kids has made it better, but in many ways I don't want to forget it all. The pain reminds me on a daily basis what miracles my kids are. I still get teary if I stare at them too long, I cannot believe they are here and they are mine!

Portia P said...

That girl sounds AWFUL! I'm not surprised your were upset!

Came here via NaComLeavMo.

Enjoy the wedding.

Bean said...

Hey thanks for your visits! You're absolutely right. If I tried to tell myself that I was neutral or pessimistic it would definitely be a lie. I just don't want to build up too much excitement -- even if the beta is positive there would still be many, many hurdles. Hope you're feeling well -- and getting excited!

DC said...

Ah . . . infertility PTSD. One more thing I (hopefully!) have to look forward to.

I don't blame you one bit for being upset by this woman. I think I would have knocked her upside the head! So, really, your reaction was quite tame, no? ;)

I found your blog through NCLM and am glad I did. Congrats on the pregnancy!!