Thursday, May 1, 2008

no one gets it

No one else in my life, even those who know that it took us 2.5 years to get here, seems to understand that I'm still scared and still don't believe this is really true. I'm scared to buy more maternity clothes and am fine alternating between the 2 pairs of pants I have. And I can't even begin to think about nursery bedding, cribs, registering, or all that other stuff. And names! Suddenly people expect us to have a name ready. It's all so crazy to me. It all seems so far away. I can't help but think that it's all wishful thinking on my part. I look at some other people's blogs and they all seem to together, already doing all those things. I will admit that I got temporarily giddy with excitement after the ultrasound and keep looking at the one little outfit my cousin got me....but I've lost the giddiness. And then of course I feel bad that this little girl isn't getting the best of me and will someone stumble across these postings years from now and think that I wasn't thrilled beyond words or that I didn't want her enough.

Years ago I had an PTSD related anxiety disorder that I did work through, my therapist would always make me talk about my 'death thoughts'. It took years before I could rationalize away each thought as it popped into my head. Well now I don't have thoughts about me dying, but of this baby. And I can't rationalize them. I know that part of it is because I never really dealt with the chemical pregnancy (or whatever it was) in November. But all I keep thinking is if that pregnancy could be taken after a week....why can't this after 20? There's really no rhyme or reason to all this...and I like both rhyme and reason.

I keep telling myself that I should be out of this funk, that I'm doing a disservice to every women still in the throws of treatments by not reveling in the fact that I managed to get lucky. But I can't shake it....

uggg...I hate what IF has done to me....

24 comments:

Jen said...

That makes total sense. I haven't even decided if I am going to put a nursery in the new house. At the moment, all the rooms are taken. The only thing I have bought so far is a doppler. Your feelings are totally normal and I get it.

K @ ourboxofrain said...

I feel like I approach pregnancy the way one approaches TV or a movie, operating on a suspension of disbelief principle. Sort of an "act as if" thing. I nearly had a panic attack when I went to buy some maternity clothes at 15 weeks but forced myself to do it anyway, and it seemed to work. I haven't been able to buy anything baby-ish, or do anything to the room that shall not be named, as those things seem very committed to accepting something I'm too afraid to let into my heart, but I was able to start registering, since there was no real commitment or acceptance involved. That's what's kept me going. All in all, like Jen, I think your feelings are totally normal.

Michell said...

I too think your feelings are normal. I have no idea how I will react should I ever get pregnant. It's just that one it took us so much work to get here and two we are part of a community that allows us to see on a regular basis that tragedy does happen. Many pregnant women I think know somewhere in the back of their mind that it could happen but have not been touched by it directly so it may not be something always on their minds. Hang in there and hugs to you.

Julia said...

Knowing what can happen, knowing people it happened to, doesn't mean you are not giving your baby the best of you. In fact, this fear is the reflection of how much you want this baby. Can you see that?

This is hard enough. Please don't also add guilt to it. There is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about-- you do what you have to do to get there.

Lea Bee said...

i totally hear you, and am in the exact same bind re: maternity clothes. but, my back to the wall, i finally bought some.

Leah said...

Well, my friend, I most certainly get it. I understand exactly what you are talking about. I know that it's normal, I just don't know how to tell you to magically change it.

Here I sit, just shy of 37 weeks, and I'm still irrationally convinced that this baby is going to up and die before we get to meet him. Every single time he kicks, I look at the clock to note the time. That way, if tragedy should strike, I'll have an answer for "Hmm, when was the last time you felt the baby move?"

I know it's wrong, I know I'm robbing him and others around me of a certain joy by being so freaked out and paranoid all the time. But I just can't help it. Remember that I didn't even tell people I was pregnant until 20 weeks because I couldn't bear to un-explain yet another pregnancy.

I still pinch myself every day, amazed that it finally worked and I got pregnant. Why me and not so many other, better women out there? I know of so many women with late term losses -- why should that happen to them and not me?

I go 'round and 'round in my head with these thoughts all the time. I pray that once our babies come out alive and healthy that we'll be able to make up for the bliss and joy we are missing out on right now. I wish that for myself, and I wish that for you too.

Geohde said...

Preg after IF is scary, even when it's going well. You sound pretty much like I've felt for the last 23 weeks,

J

K77 said...

Infertility fucks with your head in a such a comprehensive matter, and for some of us it's irreversible.

As a PP said, please try not to add guilt to the mix, you don't need it.

Morrisa said...

Unfortunately I think IF is something that will never leave us alone, even when we get what we have been hoping and praying for. I think it makes total sense to be terrified to lose something you have fought so hard to get. ((hugs))

hoping for a child said...

my first thought yesterday when i heard was fear...what if something goes wrong? 8.5 months of worry to go. i think it's normal. it's not within our control.

hoping for a child said...

my first thought yesterday when i heard was fear...what if something goes wrong? 8.5 months of worry to go. i think it's normal. it's not within our control.

hoping for a child said...

my first thought yesterday when i heard was fear...what if something goes wrong? 8.5 months of worry to go. i think it's normal. it's not within our control.

hoping for a child said...

my first thought yesterday when i heard was fear...what if something goes wrong? 8.5 months of worry to go. i think it's normal. it's not within our control.

Adriane said...

I think it's completely normal to feel the way you do. Well, not normal like a fertile, but normal for an infertile. :-) Don't be too hard on yourself. We all know how badly you want this little girl.

Karen said...

If it makes you feel better, I didn't have names for my triplets until AFTER they were born. I didn't have a name for Sam until over a week after he was born. We just affectionately called him, "hey you!"

Dr. Grumbles said...

You are not alone. One blogger had to have her therapist insist she cut the tags off the baby clothes she got her shower because couldn't believe there would be anyone to put into them.

IF robs us of so much.

Cece said...

I'm completely 'faking it till I make it'. I've ordered some Bella Bands. I talk with Aaron about names. I nod my head with much interest when people give me recommendations on child care. But in the back of my head I'm like - HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M REALLY BRINGING HOME A BABY!?!?

I hope that my outside self and inside self get on the same page by the time the baby comes!

chicklet said...

My friend was 5 months pregnant before she could let it go, and even then she still had bad thoughts. But she said til then, it just wasn't real for her. So you're not alone, IF does it to lots of us:-(

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

First off, try not to beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can - both for yourself and for the baby.

My assvice is to keep trying to take on those tragic thoughts. Try to come up with a line that you can memorize and repeat every time you get one of those horrible thoughts - such as, "there is no reason for me to think that this pregnancy will not be successful." Pushing those thoughts away doesn't always help - sometimes you have to take them on. It's not a quick fix but it might help lessen your anxiety a bit over time.

Since you read my blog, you know my own struggle with anxiety in general and over this pregnancy. Directly responding to my cataclysmic thoughts has been the only thing that has helped at all.

Good luck!!! And you ARE doing the best for your baby.

XOXOXO

Laura said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. I feel exactly the same way. Just wanted to let you know you aren't along. :)

Ms. Infertile said...

I get what you're feeling and think you are completely normal too. IF changes who we are - and I think most times its impossible to go back to being who you were before IF.
I only recently forced myself to register online, once I was able to convince myself that having a shower was OK. And names, forget it...I don't think we'll decide on those until delivery day.

((Hugs))

sara said...

You are so completely normal in what you are feeling. I just had an ultrasound where I could hear the heartbeat for the first time, and my friend at work said..oh you must have cried didn't you? I just looked at her and said "no actually I didn't. I stared at the screen in disbelief and wondered is this really happening. What if this is taken away from me. What would I do?" My work friend looked at me like I was a weirdo for having those thoughts, then again she had no struggles with infertility, no IVF, nothing. I just don't think others always relate to how we feel once we're pregnant. But what you just said is music to my ears because you just made me feel like we have yet another thing in common! We'll both eventually get to that point, it just might take awhile to get there. Hang in there..

In and Out of Luck said...

I can relate. The only reason that I stopped answering every question of "when are you due?" with the caveat "Well, if nothing goes wrong...." is that I realized it was patently weird to say that once you were late in the second trimester. But I hear you, don't beat yourself up for heavens sake!

Kate said...

Welcome to the Braces Bunch! It's ok that they don't get it. Take things on your own schedule. My nursery still isn't ready.....