I wish there was someplace you could buy some strength. I've really needed it the last 2 days.
On the 2ww front, still no spotting at all, just mild cramps. Nothing like how I usually am. I'm not sure if this is how normal people are but it is driving me batty. I was all set and ready to start meds in a few days and now I'm all hopeful and stupid. Yes stupid. That is what IF does to me. I lose all rational thought and think that I could actually be the 1%. So I've POAS the last 2 mornings and as usual, nothing. So I need to go to the strength store and get a little something to bring back rational thought.
And for the rest of my life, a good friend of ours is getting married and we've been looking forward to their wedding forever. Mr H is the best man so we went to a rehearsal dinner last night and the wife and one of the groomsmen who we knew started trying in April, is 4 months pregnant. I was so not prepared for it. I saw her round the corner with her adorable little tiny bump and thought I was going to lose my shit. It was the first time they've been back to the area so there were hugs and congrats all around. And then the grooms nieces showed up, 15 months old and adorable. I was prepared for them and ok with it since I knew his sister did IVF but the combo of the 2 sent me over the edge. I spent about 20 minutes in the bathroom calming myself down. And then when I re-joined the party got in a fight with Mr H when he told me I looked too sad and to put on my brave face. I said this was as brave as I got and since I wasn't crying I was pretty damn proud of myself. So I also need to go to the strength store for something to get me through the wedding tonight.
Doesn't help that I'm sick and doped up on cold medicine (which in my irrational state I don't want to take because I must be pregnant, right??? That's got to be the only reason for having a normal LP....)
where's that strength again??
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Thursday, October 4, 2007
small favors
to try to change yesterday's mood,
3 things I'm thankful for:
1) having a great boss that lets me work from home sometimes. I woke up feeling like I'm coming down with a cold (the perils of working in a school) and I really want to try to stay nice and healthy for this IUI. So I've worked from home today, got more done than I ever would have at work, and managed to take a nice little nap with my kitty snuggling me. It is amazing what a mental health day can do. I feel like a new woman! (well, a new woman with PMS and a snotty nose but a new woman nonetheless)
2) my HSG in August seems to have cured my spotting problem!!! I used to start spotting at 3-5 DPO and would straight up until my period came. I hated it, it was horrible to know 3 days into my 2ww that the cycle was a bust and then have to wait it out anyway. Now last month I had one little day of spotting at 7 dpo (isn't that a tease) and this month...nothing! I'm either 11 or 12 dpo and haven't had to wear a pantiliner yet! Now of course, that evil little bitch Hope did sneak in this morning and I'll admit to breaking open my HPT stash to POAS this morning to no avail but I'm Ok with it. Just glad one problem got solved. Guess I just needed a good power washing ;)
3) We met with our kitchen guy this morning to finalize everything and write him a nasty big check and as he was leaving he offered to do one of the things we had decided was too expensive and cut from the contract. He said if the rest of the project goes according to schedule and he has the time, he'll knock down 1/2 the wall between our kitchen and dining room to make a breakfast bar. He says he just likes doing that stuff and he thinks it'll look really nice. So here's hoping that everything else goes nice and speedy!
Off to see what else can get done today!!
3 things I'm thankful for:
1) having a great boss that lets me work from home sometimes. I woke up feeling like I'm coming down with a cold (the perils of working in a school) and I really want to try to stay nice and healthy for this IUI. So I've worked from home today, got more done than I ever would have at work, and managed to take a nice little nap with my kitty snuggling me. It is amazing what a mental health day can do. I feel like a new woman! (well, a new woman with PMS and a snotty nose but a new woman nonetheless)
2) my HSG in August seems to have cured my spotting problem!!! I used to start spotting at 3-5 DPO and would straight up until my period came. I hated it, it was horrible to know 3 days into my 2ww that the cycle was a bust and then have to wait it out anyway. Now last month I had one little day of spotting at 7 dpo (isn't that a tease) and this month...nothing! I'm either 11 or 12 dpo and haven't had to wear a pantiliner yet! Now of course, that evil little bitch Hope did sneak in this morning and I'll admit to breaking open my HPT stash to POAS this morning to no avail but I'm Ok with it. Just glad one problem got solved. Guess I just needed a good power washing ;)
3) We met with our kitchen guy this morning to finalize everything and write him a nasty big check and as he was leaving he offered to do one of the things we had decided was too expensive and cut from the contract. He said if the rest of the project goes according to schedule and he has the time, he'll knock down 1/2 the wall between our kitchen and dining room to make a breakfast bar. He says he just likes doing that stuff and he thinks it'll look really nice. So here's hoping that everything else goes nice and speedy!
Off to see what else can get done today!!
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Go Sox!!!
Up 4 nothing....love it!
Thanks everyone for all your comments on my little tirade. I love that people get me and I can rant and rave. Have a great night!
the unexplained
I've been thinking alot about our unexplained diagnosis and have been sitting on this post for awhile. I was hoping it would become less bitter and angry over time but since it hasn't I guess I just have to roll with my feelings.
Society doesn't really put too much stock into things that are unexplained. UFO's, psychics, seeing Jesus in toast, life on other planets, etc. As adults if we can't see it, touch it, or smell it, we don't seem to believe it's true. Just think of how quickly we ditch Santa Claus as kids because no one can explain how someone flies through the night dropping off presents (and that would be a great one to believe!). We're skeptical, cynical by nature.
I'm guilty of it too. At work, I discuss with the parents of my students the importance of using e.vidence based treatments and not to believe people's claims of overnight fixes and recoveries. I want to see data. When working with my students and in writing their treatment plans, I talk about things I can see and hear. It's more objective, less open to interpretation, and in my opinion, more valid.
So where does that leave me? I'm unexplained...does that make my infertility any less valid? I certainly don't think so. But I can't get it to mesh with the rest of my thinking. And when I tell other people (the few that I have told), they say "oh good, nothing's wrong". Nothing's wrong!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Something is seriously fucking wrong here. My body is broken and no one can seem to tell me why. How on earth can nothing be fucking wrong. We're on 16 months of actively trying and 28 months without using any birth control. B.rittney Spears would be pregnant 3 times over at this point.
I keep searching and searching for an actual answer. I seriously think even Google is tired of me at this point. I am not OK with the unexplained. Mr H tells me I should be and I should be happy that I don't need surgery, etc...that nothing is wrong. I'm not happy and something is wrong! No one would be OK being told they have unexplained cancer, that the doctors don't know what kind or where it is or how to treat it but they'll start you on something that has worked for a bunch of other people. Why should I (or any of us) be OK with that just because the topic is infertility?
And it's not that I want a quick fix...I just want to know that it can be fixed. And in order to know that, I need to know what is wrong, what part is broken. It's killing me that they can't label it and that no one knows.
I've become a research whore at this point, trying to gather as much information as I can. Guess it's all I can do...
Society doesn't really put too much stock into things that are unexplained. UFO's, psychics, seeing Jesus in toast, life on other planets, etc. As adults if we can't see it, touch it, or smell it, we don't seem to believe it's true. Just think of how quickly we ditch Santa Claus as kids because no one can explain how someone flies through the night dropping off presents (and that would be a great one to believe!). We're skeptical, cynical by nature.
I'm guilty of it too. At work, I discuss with the parents of my students the importance of using e.vidence based treatments and not to believe people's claims of overnight fixes and recoveries. I want to see data. When working with my students and in writing their treatment plans, I talk about things I can see and hear. It's more objective, less open to interpretation, and in my opinion, more valid.
So where does that leave me? I'm unexplained...does that make my infertility any less valid? I certainly don't think so. But I can't get it to mesh with the rest of my thinking. And when I tell other people (the few that I have told), they say "oh good, nothing's wrong". Nothing's wrong!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Something is seriously fucking wrong here. My body is broken and no one can seem to tell me why. How on earth can nothing be fucking wrong. We're on 16 months of actively trying and 28 months without using any birth control. B.rittney Spears would be pregnant 3 times over at this point.
I keep searching and searching for an actual answer. I seriously think even Google is tired of me at this point. I am not OK with the unexplained. Mr H tells me I should be and I should be happy that I don't need surgery, etc...that nothing is wrong. I'm not happy and something is wrong! No one would be OK being told they have unexplained cancer, that the doctors don't know what kind or where it is or how to treat it but they'll start you on something that has worked for a bunch of other people. Why should I (or any of us) be OK with that just because the topic is infertility?
And it's not that I want a quick fix...I just want to know that it can be fixed. And in order to know that, I need to know what is wrong, what part is broken. It's killing me that they can't label it and that no one knows.
I've become a research whore at this point, trying to gather as much information as I can. Guess it's all I can do...
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
random factoid of the day
A woman just walked into my office, introduced herself and then said, "Did you know we share 50% of our DNA with....(she really did the dramatic pause) a banana?" And then walked out. Now when I worked in adult services with Asperger's I expected things like that. I did not expect it from an adult here, I think she is a substitute. In her defense I was eating a banana at the time but still, a little bizarre. I'm glad my office mate was here, I don't think anyone would have believed me. So...there you all go, everyone learned something new today!
Still picking up alot of pieces from yesterday's events. This poor family is a wreck. And then of course I'm behind on everything for the week since that is the only thing I did all day yesterday.
I'm in the "Must Have Chocolate NOW" phase of PMS. I've realized I don't really need to chart or use monitors, I can tell where I am in my cycle by the food cravings/mood swings. Isn't that pathetic? I've obviously been tracking my symptoms for WAY too long. Needless to say my banana, while satisfying some curiosity for the day, did nothing for the chocolate craving. I'm off on a mad hunt for something, anything with chocolate in it now.
Still picking up alot of pieces from yesterday's events. This poor family is a wreck. And then of course I'm behind on everything for the week since that is the only thing I did all day yesterday.
I'm in the "Must Have Chocolate NOW" phase of PMS. I've realized I don't really need to chart or use monitors, I can tell where I am in my cycle by the food cravings/mood swings. Isn't that pathetic? I've obviously been tracking my symptoms for WAY too long. Needless to say my banana, while satisfying some curiosity for the day, did nothing for the chocolate craving. I'm off on a mad hunt for something, anything with chocolate in it now.
Monday, October 1, 2007
So much for the gym
What a crappy day at work. One of the parents of one of our tougher students (I work with students with a.utism) said he was thinking of killing his son, his wife, and himself. And he expressed his plan...which as those of you in mental health know, that puts it up a few levels. So I spent my day talking to Child P.rotective Services and the police. I am just spent. This poor family is just a mess, it is so so sad. I managed to not cry about it all day until the father was placed under a suicide watch by the police, handcuffed, and brought to the hospital for a psych eval. He's a good guy who just really really needs help and I'm glad he told us everything he did. I just hope this gets the family the help they so desperately need.
So by the time I left work it was too late to go to the gym and I just needed to be home. Of course, once home, I had to open a bottle of wine. And once it was open, it only made since to finish it. Wine and frozen pizza...talk about gourmet.
Heading to bed soon, Tomorrow has to be a better day.
So by the time I left work it was too late to go to the gym and I just needed to be home. Of course, once home, I had to open a bottle of wine. And once it was open, it only made since to finish it. Wine and frozen pizza...talk about gourmet.
Heading to bed soon, Tomorrow has to be a better day.
A whole new world
No, I haven't started quoting D.isney movies I just have pants that fit!!!! (insert chorus of Hallelujahs here). It really is amazing how much more comfortable I am AND that I actually look better. Getting dressed this morning wasn't as painful as it usually is.
Not that I have given up the whole weight loss thing I was working on last month. My goal was 5 pounds by Oct and I came in at 6 pounds lost!! I'm pretty excited about it overall. Was a little disappointed Sunday morning since I was down those 6 pounds last week. I didn't lose anything this week. I didn't make it to the gym once and had to work late each night. Guess I should be glad I didn't gain anything back.
Now that the healthy eating has become more of a habit, figure I might as well keep going with it. And I'll still be sneaking in those trips to the gym whenever I can. My goal for November 1 is to either be down 5 more pounds...or be pregnant!
Not that I have given up the whole weight loss thing I was working on last month. My goal was 5 pounds by Oct and I came in at 6 pounds lost!! I'm pretty excited about it overall. Was a little disappointed Sunday morning since I was down those 6 pounds last week. I didn't lose anything this week. I didn't make it to the gym once and had to work late each night. Guess I should be glad I didn't gain anything back.
Now that the healthy eating has become more of a habit, figure I might as well keep going with it. And I'll still be sneaking in those trips to the gym whenever I can. My goal for November 1 is to either be down 5 more pounds...or be pregnant!
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