negative

HPT was negative this morning. I'l still go in for the beta tomorrow to confirm but I stopped the Pr.ometrium so hopefully AF will get on her merry little way.

This just sucks. I know it wasn't supposed to happen and it's a miracle that it even did...but why the tease?? If it wasn't going to work, I really wish Fate hadn't f-ed with my head. Because for a few days there, I actually believed.

Thanks for all your kind words. They help more than you know.

Hope

I'm starting to lose it. Hope that is. Although I'm sure I will also lose 'it' before all this is said and done.

I'm an idiot and keep on POAS. Yesterday the line was much lighter and today it's almost gone. On the $ tree test you could barely see it. It was there on the First Response but so light. I'm trying to think objectively and realize that this was a chemical pregnancy. I think I'll have my pity party today so I can get on with my week tomorrow. My 2nd beta is scheduled for Tuesday and I have a killer day where I need to be able to function. I'm giving a training from 8:30-4 and then giving a workshop from 7-9. I'm not even sure when I'll be able to actually talk to my nurse. Maybe it's for the best, I won't have too much time to think.

This is so fucking unfair.

Knowledge does NOT equal power

Alternatively titled: Ignorance would be bliss.

This is yet another thing infertility has taken away from me. If this was November 2005, I would have peed on those sticks and been pregnant. I'd just be pregnant. And excited beyond belief. None of this beta or cautiously optimistic crap. Although I'd probably be complaining about the sore boobs, headache, and nausea while now I'm psyched about them. (I felt really sick eating dinner about an hour ago and was actually disappointed that I didn't throw up....that's pretty messed up).


I know that this is completely out of my control and is a complete miracle. So why do I feel like I'm on a teeter totter...going back and forth between being excited, thinking "right at this moment in time, I'm pregnant and that is amazing" to already starting the grieving process, thinking "there is no point getting excited about this because in 3 days I'm going to find out this was just a chemical pregnancy". I do know that I need to protect myself. I guess, I wish I didn't know that I needed to protect myself. Because I'm not doing a good job of that, of being protective. With each cramp or wave of nausea, I say hi to my little poppy seed and thank God that it's there. I'm already starting to imagine the next few months (and years for that matter). And yes, I'm saying "if this sticks, ...." but that doesn't mean that I'm not planning for the future. And this could all be some huge cosmic joke. Maybe I royally fucked someone over in a past life and now they're getting even with me. Because this wasn't supposed to happen. And now that it has, those big thick walls I've put up around my heart and soul are slowly fading.

So ultimately, I know enough to realize that this has a much higher likelihood of NOT working, but it's not my brain that is making all these decisions. I'm just praying to pretty much every higher power out there....surely one of them will come through for us, right?? I'm not asking for a second miracle, just that this one continues....until mid July or so.

While you're here, please go vote for Mel from Stirrup Queens. She is such an amazing support and we're lucky to have her in our community. Vote for Stirrup Queens for Best Medical/Health Issues blog (you can vote once a day)

47.6 **updated at bottom**

Not stellar beta results by any means. I really wanted something in the 100's at least. And my nurse was like a freaking monsoon on the Ma.cy's Thanksgiving Parade. She couldn't even tell me to be cautiously optimistic or anything. Instead she said the number was low and now we had to ride it out. As if she was expecting it fail already. What also annoyed me was that she asked when my last period was. Now I have talked to her once a week for the last month because my last period was Sept 2. And I was in there 2 weeks ago for a beta so I could start Pr.overa. Shouldn't all that info be in my record? She said the number should be much higher if I'm 8-9 weeks pregnant. Of course I'm not....where has she been? I've got another beta on Tuesday (doesn't that seem like a really long time? I thought they were supposed to be every other day). I do have some symptoms that I've never had before that actually prompted me to start testing again. As long as they stay I'm happy.

I also asked about taking the Pr.ometrium since I already filled the Rx and I'm having some pink and brown spotting. She talked to my dr and he said I didn't need to but didn't give my P4 levels. Doesn't that seem weird? I think I'm going to email him, he's gotten back to me on the weekend before so hopefully he will again. And I might just start taking it...it can't hurt right??

Thank you so much for all your kind words and good wishes. This is so completely unreal to me. I honestly never even thought I'd make it this far. And now I can't decide if I should be hopeful, thus setting myself up for the biggest devastation of my life when this goes south OR plan for the worst and then when it does go south, blame myself for not being optimistic and loving this little poppy seed.

Mr. H (who was finally convinced at 6 am this morning when I threw 2 pee sticks at him...what a way to wake up) has poker night later so I'm going to settle in with my good buddies Ben and Jerry (my replacement for the wine) and some tv. I'm almost done the 3rd season of Grey's on DVD. I want to finish it up because the DVR is getting really full.

Thanks again ladies. Any advice (or assvice) on betas or the Pr.ometrium would be much appreciated!!

My dr just emailed me back (at 6 on a Friday, I think that pretty much rocks) and said the Pr.ometrium wouldn't hurt and it's questionable if it will help but I can start if I need to feel like I'm doing something proactive. A vaginal suppository never sounded so good ;)

Holy.....

Pick your expletive of choice. I've certainly used them all in the last 24 hours.

The picture didn't come out too great. But the bottom one says it all! Holy shit is all I can come up with. I don't know how to be pregnant. Infertile, I've really excelled at that over the last 2 years.

Still going to go in for a beta this morning, I'll just feel better having it. Since I'm not too sure when I actually O'd, I have no idea how far along I am. Somewhere between 4 and 5 weeks I'm guessing.

I now have to sit through a 2 day workshop on analyzing aggressive and self-injurious behavior. Not really a topic that is going to match my perma-grin.

Thank you all for your good wishes and thoughts yesterday (and for helping to keep me sane). I'll update later tonight if I have any new info.

maybe??

Got home around 7:30 tonight and after holding it in since around 3:30, dove for a $ store test. And there is the lightest of light lines. Lighter than this morning but definitely still something there...more than I've ever seen before. Mr H doesn't believe it....and I'm not sure I do either. Just ran over to S.afeway and spent $40 on real tests (thank God for the dollar tree huh??). Mr H does not believe in the el-cheap tests and also doesn't think the line is legit.

If I can eek out a little tonight, I'll use one of the First response I bought. If not, I'll do that and a digital tomorrow. And I'm just going to show up at the RE and ask for a beta. If this is legit, my spotting should probably be addressed.

Total mix of emotions right now....I'm going back and forth between feeling like I didn't 'earned' this, to "oh my f-ing god"

Thanks for all the good wishes

oh....and get this, Mr H is thinking of taking one himself so he can see what a negative looks like ;) Guess he's just as crazy as me!

Talk me down

I'm standing up on Evaporation Line Ledge and I'm ready to jump. F that, I've already jumped.

I got up at 5 this morning having to pee. Not wanting to waste that FMU I naturally POAS. It's what I do. As I did it I told myself I was being ridiculous and I needed to get over this bullshit and get my ass back to bed. So that's what I did.

Fast forward to 7:30 when I woke up for real. What's staring up at me? A fucking second line! That has NEVER happened ever. Any time I check later in the day I've never had an evap line (is it lame that I usually keep checking for the next 2-3 hrs? Oh well). I had just gone to the bathroom so I had nothing left to take another test. And now I'm at work and have a private client later on tonight. I won't be home to test again until after 8. At that point I may as well wait until tomorrow morning when it's more likely to be accurate. Now I know in my brain that this is most likely an evap line but I can't help but wonder. Mr H was no help, he's always a super realist. And not being the pee stick connoisseur that I am, he thought is was negative because it wasn't as dark as the control (btw, it was dark enough for me to see without my glasses...and I'm legally freaking blind) Evap lines aren't that dark, are they?

My nurse doesn't work on Thursday's and I don't want to call and set up an appointment for nothing. Although on the flip side, if it is nothing, that still doesn't explain why I O'd 2 weeks ago and have nothing but some brown spotting to show for it.

So please, I know I've already gone over the ledge and will be devastated tomorrow morning if I get a negative, but please, any stories of hope? Of this not being an evap line? I took a picture this morning but I was a little embarrassed that I used my wine glass (rinsed of course) from last night since I didn't have any more paper cups. I didn't realize it and by then didn't have time to take another pic. And I thought if this does all work, having the wine glass in the picture could make me a bad mom to be. AHhhhh.....why did I say that??? See I've gone over that ledge. I don't know how I'm going to make it through today.

If you read all this and still have any shed of respect left for me....thanks