Saturday, November 3, 2007

Knowledge does NOT equal power

Alternatively titled: Ignorance would be bliss.

This is yet another thing infertility has taken away from me. If this was November 2005, I would have peed on those sticks and been pregnant. I'd just be pregnant. And excited beyond belief. None of this beta or cautiously optimistic crap. Although I'd probably be complaining about the sore boobs, headache, and nausea while now I'm psyched about them. (I felt really sick eating dinner about an hour ago and was actually disappointed that I didn't throw up....that's pretty messed up).

I know that this is completely out of my control and is a complete miracle. So why do I feel like I'm on a teeter totter...going back and forth between being excited, thinking "right at this moment in time, I'm pregnant and that is amazing" to already starting the grieving process, thinking "there is no point getting excited about this because in 3 days I'm going to find out this was just a chemical pregnancy". I do know that I need to protect myself. I guess, I wish I didn't know that I needed to protect myself. Because I'm not doing a good job of that, of being protective. With each cramp or wave of nausea, I say hi to my little poppy seed and thank God that it's there. I'm already starting to imagine the next few months (and years for that matter). And yes, I'm saying "if this sticks, ...." but that doesn't mean that I'm not planning for the future. And this could all be some huge cosmic joke. Maybe I royally fucked someone over in a past life and now they're getting even with me. Because this wasn't supposed to happen. And now that it has, those big thick walls I've put up around my heart and soul are slowly fading.

So ultimately, I know enough to realize that this has a much higher likelihood of NOT working, but it's not my brain that is making all these decisions. I'm just praying to pretty much every higher power out there....surely one of them will come through for us, right?? I'm not asking for a second miracle, just that this one continues....until mid July or so.

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Fertilize Me said...

ON i am RIGHT THERE on this line if thinking .. I am afraid to breathe out completely - but still feeling the joy of "i'm pregnant now". I wish it was different and easier for both of us

The Town Criers said...

Thank you for the shout out.

I think that's one of the worst parts of IF--even when you have success, you can't relax and enjoy it. I hope you only have happiness (and lots of nausea--but only when you need the symptoms and not when you're feeling confident because nausea all the time is a drag) these next 9 months. And a healthy baby after an easy delivery. Sending you so many good thoughts.

Geohde said...

Oh yes, sometime ignorance truly is bliss. If you don't know what can happen then you can't worry about it,



Shelby said...

I completely understand how you feel! I hope that your upcoming beta is great, and right on track. And I hope the symptoms keep up too, but not so badly that you can't function. It's nice to feel sick, but not be puking. I'm thinking of you!!

SaraS-P said...

Yes, I too envy my 2 years younger self, the one who could start planning a nursery a day after getting a BFP. Oh, how I miss that ignorance and blind optimism...