CD1

Thank Goodness!!! I really need to get out of limbo and get back to being optimistic about all this. I do not like having a 67 day cycle. I am so ready to finally be starting treatment! CD 3 b/w and u/s is scheduled for Friday and I take my first C.lomid that night. I think, it was so long ago that I got my protocol I forget and need to look it back up. And it was even longer since my injections class. Hopefully I didn't forget any of that.

Good things

Just to end the day on a positive note, here are some good things I'm thankful for today:



1) all of you ladies. Seriously, we're all going through some serious crap right now, yet you take the time to comment. It's amazing how much better this community makes me feel. Which brings me to the next thing I'm thankful for.



2) I got home tonight and in the pile of mail was my bracelet from Bella Vida. I think she has a few left. I am so excited to wear it and proud to be among so many amazing women (although I wish we had all meant under different circumstances).



3) I'm thankful my RE actually gets back to patients. He said if AF hasn't shown in 4 days to call him. And we can start the IUI as soon it does (my nurse also mention something about sitting out a cycle). And thanks Truculentgirl for mentioning the hysteroscopy, I'll be sure to ask about that.

So that's it, I could only come up with 3, but I think that's pretty darn good all things considered. Thank you all again!!!

Going out of my mind

I might seriously lose it.

Beta was under 5, which I completely expected and, at this point, am OK with. I did the crying, raging, mad at the world thing yesterday and I am ready to move on.

I called back my nurse to see when I should expect AF and if anything would change with our IUI plans. She said I can expect it in 3-4 WEEKS. Yes, I said weeks. First off, I never have a 3-4 week cycle. If she even looked at my file, she'd see that I'm pretty consistently 33-35 days. I had mentioned that I had some spotting last week and she is saying that counted as AF. I tried to explain that all I had was some really light brown spotting and that in no way for me counts as AF. And she still stuck with her 3-4 week line. I know I may not have any medical degrees but wouldn't any lining that had built up need to come back out? And I asked her that (although I phrased it a little bit nicer). And she again said that my spotting counts.

Then I got tricky (he he he). I asked if that was the case, can the light spotting I had today make this CD1 so I can go in for bloodwork and us on Thursday and get this cycle going. She needs to go ask the dr about that.

I better freaking be able to start this IUI. It has been in the works since August. Yup, August!! Now we decided to skip September for family reasons and I am really starting to regret that. I guess I thought I was ok with and over the whole chemical pregnancy thing but apparently I wasn't. Because all I want to do is climb under something and have a sob fest. But I can't because I'm giving a workshop later on where I get to tell parents how to manage their child's difficult behaviors and I just know someone is going to ask me if I'm a parent. arg

And just to get out the very worst part of all this....I can't forget how Mr H looked at me those 2 days we thought I was pregnant. It was a look I've never seen before, it had so much love in it, and amazement at what we had done. And now that's gone. And I don't know if he'll ever look at me like that again. And it just makes me want to cry.

negative

HPT was negative this morning. I'l still go in for the beta tomorrow to confirm but I stopped the Pr.ometrium so hopefully AF will get on her merry little way.

This just sucks. I know it wasn't supposed to happen and it's a miracle that it even did...but why the tease?? If it wasn't going to work, I really wish Fate hadn't f-ed with my head. Because for a few days there, I actually believed.

Thanks for all your kind words. They help more than you know.

Hope

I'm starting to lose it. Hope that is. Although I'm sure I will also lose 'it' before all this is said and done.

I'm an idiot and keep on POAS. Yesterday the line was much lighter and today it's almost gone. On the $ tree test you could barely see it. It was there on the First Response but so light. I'm trying to think objectively and realize that this was a chemical pregnancy. I think I'll have my pity party today so I can get on with my week tomorrow. My 2nd beta is scheduled for Tuesday and I have a killer day where I need to be able to function. I'm giving a training from 8:30-4 and then giving a workshop from 7-9. I'm not even sure when I'll be able to actually talk to my nurse. Maybe it's for the best, I won't have too much time to think.

This is so fucking unfair.

Knowledge does NOT equal power

Alternatively titled: Ignorance would be bliss.

This is yet another thing infertility has taken away from me. If this was November 2005, I would have peed on those sticks and been pregnant. I'd just be pregnant. And excited beyond belief. None of this beta or cautiously optimistic crap. Although I'd probably be complaining about the sore boobs, headache, and nausea while now I'm psyched about them. (I felt really sick eating dinner about an hour ago and was actually disappointed that I didn't throw up....that's pretty messed up).


I know that this is completely out of my control and is a complete miracle. So why do I feel like I'm on a teeter totter...going back and forth between being excited, thinking "right at this moment in time, I'm pregnant and that is amazing" to already starting the grieving process, thinking "there is no point getting excited about this because in 3 days I'm going to find out this was just a chemical pregnancy". I do know that I need to protect myself. I guess, I wish I didn't know that I needed to protect myself. Because I'm not doing a good job of that, of being protective. With each cramp or wave of nausea, I say hi to my little poppy seed and thank God that it's there. I'm already starting to imagine the next few months (and years for that matter). And yes, I'm saying "if this sticks, ...." but that doesn't mean that I'm not planning for the future. And this could all be some huge cosmic joke. Maybe I royally fucked someone over in a past life and now they're getting even with me. Because this wasn't supposed to happen. And now that it has, those big thick walls I've put up around my heart and soul are slowly fading.

So ultimately, I know enough to realize that this has a much higher likelihood of NOT working, but it's not my brain that is making all these decisions. I'm just praying to pretty much every higher power out there....surely one of them will come through for us, right?? I'm not asking for a second miracle, just that this one continues....until mid July or so.

While you're here, please go vote for Mel from Stirrup Queens. She is such an amazing support and we're lucky to have her in our community. Vote for Stirrup Queens for Best Medical/Health Issues blog (you can vote once a day)

47.6 **updated at bottom**

Not stellar beta results by any means. I really wanted something in the 100's at least. And my nurse was like a freaking monsoon on the Ma.cy's Thanksgiving Parade. She couldn't even tell me to be cautiously optimistic or anything. Instead she said the number was low and now we had to ride it out. As if she was expecting it fail already. What also annoyed me was that she asked when my last period was. Now I have talked to her once a week for the last month because my last period was Sept 2. And I was in there 2 weeks ago for a beta so I could start Pr.overa. Shouldn't all that info be in my record? She said the number should be much higher if I'm 8-9 weeks pregnant. Of course I'm not....where has she been? I've got another beta on Tuesday (doesn't that seem like a really long time? I thought they were supposed to be every other day). I do have some symptoms that I've never had before that actually prompted me to start testing again. As long as they stay I'm happy.

I also asked about taking the Pr.ometrium since I already filled the Rx and I'm having some pink and brown spotting. She talked to my dr and he said I didn't need to but didn't give my P4 levels. Doesn't that seem weird? I think I'm going to email him, he's gotten back to me on the weekend before so hopefully he will again. And I might just start taking it...it can't hurt right??

Thank you so much for all your kind words and good wishes. This is so completely unreal to me. I honestly never even thought I'd make it this far. And now I can't decide if I should be hopeful, thus setting myself up for the biggest devastation of my life when this goes south OR plan for the worst and then when it does go south, blame myself for not being optimistic and loving this little poppy seed.

Mr. H (who was finally convinced at 6 am this morning when I threw 2 pee sticks at him...what a way to wake up) has poker night later so I'm going to settle in with my good buddies Ben and Jerry (my replacement for the wine) and some tv. I'm almost done the 3rd season of Grey's on DVD. I want to finish it up because the DVR is getting really full.

Thanks again ladies. Any advice (or assvice) on betas or the Pr.ometrium would be much appreciated!!

My dr just emailed me back (at 6 on a Friday, I think that pretty much rocks) and said the Pr.ometrium wouldn't hurt and it's questionable if it will help but I can start if I need to feel like I'm doing something proactive. A vaginal suppository never sounded so good ;)