Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Going out of my mind

I might seriously lose it.

Beta was under 5, which I completely expected and, at this point, am OK with. I did the crying, raging, mad at the world thing yesterday and I am ready to move on.

I called back my nurse to see when I should expect AF and if anything would change with our IUI plans. She said I can expect it in 3-4 WEEKS. Yes, I said weeks. First off, I never have a 3-4 week cycle. If she even looked at my file, she'd see that I'm pretty consistently 33-35 days. I had mentioned that I had some spotting last week and she is saying that counted as AF. I tried to explain that all I had was some really light brown spotting and that in no way for me counts as AF. And she still stuck with her 3-4 week line. I know I may not have any medical degrees but wouldn't any lining that had built up need to come back out? And I asked her that (although I phrased it a little bit nicer). And she again said that my spotting counts.

Then I got tricky (he he he). I asked if that was the case, can the light spotting I had today make this CD1 so I can go in for bloodwork and us on Thursday and get this cycle going. She needs to go ask the dr about that.

I better freaking be able to start this IUI. It has been in the works since August. Yup, August!! Now we decided to skip September for family reasons and I am really starting to regret that. I guess I thought I was ok with and over the whole chemical pregnancy thing but apparently I wasn't. Because all I want to do is climb under something and have a sob fest. But I can't because I'm giving a workshop later on where I get to tell parents how to manage their child's difficult behaviors and I just know someone is going to ask me if I'm a parent. arg

And just to get out the very worst part of all this....I can't forget how Mr H looked at me those 2 days we thought I was pregnant. It was a look I've never seen before, it had so much love in it, and amazement at what we had done. And now that's gone. And I don't know if he'll ever look at me like that again. And it just makes me want to cry.


Jen said...

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I'm having the same "we'll never get there" feelings right now. Get yourself some ice cream and chocolate and I will do the same.

Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

It never ends, does it? I do hope you get to do an IUI so you can fell like you are progressing. And that today's workshop is manageable. Praying for no stupid comments like that from the participants!

Shelby said...

I'm sorry the nurse was being an idiot! Doesn't sound right to me either. I hope you can get moving with the IUI soon. I'm sending hugs your way, and thinking about you. I second the ice cream and chocolate- it makes everything better. That, and a big glass of wine.

JJ said...

Im sorry hun...and I can only imagine that sweet look your hubby had...and hopefully he will have it again VERY soon!

Fertilize Me said...

WOW, the rollarcoaster ..I know that saying I'm sorry is the only thing that I can say..i wish there was more- i am thinking of you

Trish said...

I'm so so sorry..

Good for you for advocating for yourself, though!

truculent.girl said...

Your nurse is a moron (do we share nurses?) - fortunately, she IS a moron, so when you get your period, you can call her and tell her it's day 1 to get started and she probably won't even question you.

I'd ask for an office hysteroscopy if I were you just to make sure there's nothing leftover in the uterus. Oh and you usually get your period when beta hits zero (I usually get it before).

Kristen said...

Oh, Meghan, I'm so terribly sorry, sweetie. It just breaks my heart about what you said about the look your hubby gave you. I miss the smile DH had when we would take belly pics and talk about the baby inside of me. It breaks my heart how it is torn from us.

I'm sending lots of hugs your way. If you need to talk to someone (besides DH), I'm here. Feel free to email me and I'll give you my number. XOXO

Geohde said...

I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time.

Boo and Hiss to that nurse!