what to say?

I've been reading all of your eloquent end of the year posts and am left somewhat speechless. I really do not know what to say.

As ready as I am for 07 to be over, it being over brings to light all of our failures from last year, the broken promises and expectations, the tears, the arguments. Part of me doesn't want it to end, because if it doesn't, then there's still a chance. Don't get me wrong, there were some good moments too...most notably suddenly realizing I'm not alone in all this crap. This IF community is the one silver lining in all this crap. I remember calling Mr H on the way home from my first get together with the DC ladies back in August. He asked how it was (because I was SOOOO nervous beforehand) and if it made me sad, did we only talk about IF stuff. I said great, that they were all normal woman and we talked about normal stuff. He replied that of course everyone was 'normal', but that is when it first struck me, that I was still a normal person, just a normal person dealing with a ton of crap. And it took meeting this fantastic group of women to make me realize that I wasn't some sort of freak or something.

So 07 does have some things lined up in the plus column. But what scares me the most is that in 2008 our journey to get pregnant will, for better or worse, be over. That's not to say we won't have a family, but this is the year that will determine if we have a biological child or not. And that scares the crap out of me. As I sit here convinced that this IUI did not work, I wonder how much more of this I can do. I really do not think I can be one of those women doing IVF after IVF. I'm so emotionally fragile as it is, I don't know where I will find the strength for all that.

So while 2007 brought some disappointment with it, 2008 brings unknowns...and that to me is scarier.

I'll try to end on a positive note here. We are making the yummiest dinner tonight. Filets topped with lobster. So excited for our surf and turf! Not sure what the sides will be, but they aren't that important to me. Last year we decided to stay in, make ourselves a nice dinner, open one of the good bottles of wine, and just celebrate quietly and it was one of the better new years. This year I'll be good and only have a small sip of wine but I'm so excited for dinner!

I hope everyone has a wonderful night and 2008 brings us whatever it is we dream of!

Lots of random things

My brain is all over the place today. Here's just a small sampling. And just a warning, there's one WAY TMI question, it's last so feel to skip it if you don't want to know that much about me.

- the sports bra trick is no longer as effective as it used to be. Today I went down the stairs too quickly and ouch! Makes me mad that it's just pr.ometrium.

- while we're talking about pr.ometrium. I f-ing hate it. I must have gotten lucky last time around and it didn't mess with my mood. But now I'm borderline clinical. I swear, I wouldn't get dressed at all if Mr H didn't need to be constantly entertained. Being off work definitely doesn't help. I've got nothing to take my mind off of every little twinge.

- When I logged onto y.ahoo this morning, they had a piece about this preacher that has come up with (and is of course selling) the Adam and Eve diet. I am not posting a link because I do not want to give this anymore attention than it has already gotten. Seriously people?!?!? Of course their diet was healthier, there was nothing fried, no doughnuts, breads, candy, soda, chips, cookies, etc, etc. They probably ate nuts, berries, and the occasional small animal they managed to catch. Oh, and don't forget about the fruit! I just hate how people package up the same recommendations in different ways to make money and the fact that this preacher has wrapped it into a religious context irks me even more. I've been ranting about this all day long to just about anyone who'll listen. Thanks for being a captive audience.

- so you may remember yesterday when I posted I was up for 2 hours with really weird cramping. I made the unfortunate mistake of giving my kitty some lovin'. So this morning, at 4:13 I felt a cold little nose rubbing mine purring. Very cute, but I was very much asleep. I felt really bad kicking him out of the room. I was then up for the next 2 hours wondering why I didn't have those weird intense cramps anymore. Damned if you do, damned if you don't

- ok, here's the tmi question. It's for all you ladies who've used the f-ing pr.ometrium suppositories. They cause me to get quite....um....irritated. I've got all these little, painful bumps down there. Last time I freaked out and called the dr, thinking I had somehow gotten some random disease from the actual iui. I've tried changing the pantiliner more often, 'freshening up' more often. I even went a little more daring in my last bikini wax but I think that made it worse. Any tips, advice, assvice....anything? It really freakin hurts. Plus, I'm vain and I made myself Ok with having a moldy looking cooch but it is completely different story when you've got a moldy cooch with sore-like things on it. Nasty. If I had the slightest interest in sex, it's loooong gone.

Counting down the days until vacay is over, haven't crossed half of the things off the to-do list...but I have taken plenty of naps!

Dirty rotten liar

Yup, that's me. A no-good, good for nothin' liar. A mere 2 days ago I said I was NOT going to read into every ache and twinge. I would NOT set myself up like that. And that every day I was going to recognize that this has a much higher chance of not working.

Yeah...well...I lied. But I said all of those things before some really weird shit started happening. Since I know you are all on the edge of your seats, I'll share every little detail. It all started with flossing (oral hygiene is important people). As I leaned over my sink and reached up to get the floss, my lower abdomen pressed into the countertop. Totally normal thing, probably happens dozens of times any given day. But yesterday it hurt. And I mean it really hurt. It made me gasp out loud and stop what I was going. When I pressed down, my abdomen was hard. Very bizzare. Then last night, I had weird, intense cramping that woke me out of a sound sleep. Now the last time I had that intense cramping that woke me up at night, it was 2 days before the positive in my chemical pregnancy (not that I really want to use that experience as a reference point, it's just all I've got). I was up for 2 hours with cramps that would not go away.

Now I'm only 6dpiui. Rationally, I know it's on the early side for implantation but nothing about this whole experience is rational. I lost rational thought about a year ago. So now I know that I am going to drive myself crazy for the next week. And that I've let Hope sneak in the side door, when I had done such a good job keeping her out.

On the plus side, I found a way to ignore the boobs. Since they really are the biggest liars. Sports bra. Keeps them in so nice and tight, I don't feel a thing. So it's one obsession I've managed to avoid.

Can I just say one more thing about why this better f-ing work? Because we met people at C.actus C.antina last night and I did not have a margarita...that better not be for nothing people!

(thanks for reading along with my nonsense)

Merry christmas!

It was so fun to read everyone's christmas posts this morning.

We had a pretty good christmas on our end. Neither Mr H or I stuck to the limit we set so I walked away from the day with sparkly new diamond earrings and he is the proud owner of a new flat screen tv. It's only money, right?!?! We both rationalized it by saying we've had a hard year.

The big surprise of the day was a very large check from my parents. I still haven't read the accompanying note completely since I cry every time I start. While I still think they don't completely get what we are going through, it was very nice for them to recognize at least one aspect of it. And it'll certainly help the cause.

Since this is the first December break we haven't gone out of town, we are gearing up for some home improvement and crossing things off our to-do list (like yesterday when I realized BOTH tail lights are out on the back of my car....oops). So today was the vet (poor little guy got a clean bill of health though) and the car. Tomorrow, we're painting our bedroom. We've lived here 3 years and it is still two-toned from the previous owners...who for some reason, were very into two-toning rooms.

All of this is to trick myself into keeping busy and not perseverating on this 2ww. I am having such a hard time not being overly hopeful, given that so far, this is the best chance we've had. I promised I would not read into every twinge I get but it's too late on that one. At least I know to not trust a single thing that comes from the boobs...they're dead to me. For some reason, the pr.ometrium isn't having all of the same side effects it did the last 2 times I took it. I am free flowing, not backed up at all! Of course, this makes me wonder if it is really working.

Enough ramblings. If you're back at work today, I hope it's at least slow for you. And if not, enjoy your vacay!

You've reached the end of the in.ternet

Yup, I have. I was just obsessively googling (what else is a girl supposed to do during the 2ww) and googled my own blog. I've come full circle, there's nothing else out there for me. Funny thing is, I certainly don't have the answer!

I love this quiet before the holidays. We slept in, cleaned a little, and ran some errands (BAD idea to wait until today to go to the grocery store). We're hosting Christmas Eve dinner...but I'm taking the slacker route and doing a ham.

Had a really weird experience last night. Went out with a bunch of girlfriends, some of whom have moved away and are back in town for the holiday. After dinner we were at someones apartment and they all started talking about the bcp. I felt so out of the conversation. I haven't taken bcp in 2.5 years. Apparently there are new ones out there! I wanted to shake this one girl who says even with her pill she hasn't gotten a period in 4 months....but her dr isn't worried! I wish I knew her better, so I could just tell her to be more proactive.

And since I finally decorated....here's a few pics!

Our tree-I realized we're missing a box of stuff, so it's a little sparse

The stockings are hung on the bookcase with care. The little one in the middle is kitty's ;)

And speaking of...here's how he 'helped' decorate ;)

37 million!

Mr H is feeling like quite the stud this morning. 37 mil is our best post wash count yet. It was also his best pre-wash at 109 million. My only concern now is that my husband likes bad porn way too much. On the drive to breakfast after his 'appointment', he ranted and raved about the selections in the man room, that it was mostly just guy on guy. He went as far as to say it caused a de-rection and that I shouldn't get my hopes up for a good number. So now I'm a little worried about him.

Now the balancing act starts. That fine line between hope and realism. Hope brings about expectations....which just leads to disappointment. It is so hard not to be excited about this cycle. They're sure I had at least 3, maybe 4 follicles. Add the count results to that and how can a girl not get her hopes up?!? But I had such a hard fall earlier this month, I want to do a better job at not setting myself up to be hurt like that. They scheduled my beta for Jan 7...which will be 16dpiui...that is SOOOOO long. How on earth I am going to manage to wait THAT long? Time to make a trip to the dollar store I think

In other news, still fighting this stupid cold. Took a 3 hr nap today, hoping that kicks it out of my system. And I managed to come up with some holiday cheer last night. We had fun decorating the tree and I wrapped all of the presents. It does make me smile to see the tree all decorated, the stockings, and of course, the presents! Out to dinner and drinks with some friends that are back in town for the holiday. I'll be trying the subtle, nursing one drink thing. We'll see how it goes.

more ramblings

Why do moms have such power over us sometimes? And as much as I want to be a mother, does that mean that someday I'll be able to so thoroughly ruin my child's day??

I went over to my parents to pick up our christmas decorations and wrap Mr H's present. I got there before my mom and had happily checked out her decorations, the presents under the tree, and had started my wrapping. I noticed she got a neat new Rudolph toy that looks just like the one from the cartoon. My mom gets home and immediately starts talking about my cousin's kids again...how cute their card was, etc, etc. I ignore it all, keep on wrapping. To change the subject, I ask where she got the Rudolph. She starts talking about that and then mentions that it sings and the nose lights up and then here's the kicker....She says, "now all we need is (insert names of cousin's kids) running around pressing it all day long".

I know she said it without thinking it would be hurtful. And I know I should have used that opportunity to educate just how hurtful, thoughtless, and insensitive comments like that are. But where do I even start? Floodgates would open, it'd be verbal diarrhea. How do I say that I've been dreading this Christmas. That I should have a little one obsessively making the damn thing sing to the point we take out the batteries. How do I explain the promise I made to myself last christmas? And that I'm not making it this year. That as much as I want 2007 to be over, I'm petrified of 08. That by the end of 08 this will all somehow be resolved. That Mr H and I are not on the same page in terms of what to do next and that scares the crap out of me. What will that do to our marriage, and to us as individuals? That he doesn't know how he feels about adoption and I do not want to be childless. And yes, I do feel a bit silly that all these thoughts flood my head after one little kids at christmas comment but I can't help it. The internal monologue is always running, like the ticker at the bottom of a news show. Yes, something may be going on in the foreground, but somewhere inside of me, these thoughts are running, sprinting even.

I left not long after that comment, and I didn't mention how much it hurt. Here's the kicker...I know she'll say that same thing again, to someone in my family while I'm around. I don't know if I'll be strong enough to say something then either.

I didn't let her completely ruin my night. We tried out a new pizza place close by. Mr H is originally a New York man and constantly laments that there is no place to 'grab a slice', but this met his criteria...thank goodness. And we talked and he made me feel better. But we didn't decorate our tree, I just didn't have it in me.

Oh and then the trigger! After I did the shot, pushed the plunger all the way in, yada yada, and took it out, when I put it down on the counter, someone some more meds shot out! I'm really hoping that it wasn't as much as it looked like.

Tonight I'll must up some holiday spirit to decorate the tree and then it's up early again Saturday for the IUI. Don't know often I'll be able to check in the next few days (who am I kidding, I'll still be checking all the time) but if you celebrate, have a wonderful christmas, and if you don't....enjoy a few days off!

morning wanding *update at bottom

Thanks for the get healthy vibes. I slept most of yesterday afternoon. And while I still don't feel better, I'm telling myself that I would feel even worse if I hadn't rested yesterday. Trying to drink lots and lots of water to flush all those germs out.

Ultrasound this morning showed a 17 and 2 15's on the right, and a 14 on the left, lining was 8.9. There were a few smaller ones on both side in the 12-13 range. The tech said it looked like I'd trigger at least 3. Depending on the results of my blood work I'm either going to trigger tonight with the IUI on Saturday or go in for another ultrasound tomorrow morning and trigger tomorrow night with the IUI on Sunday.

I, of course, have no preference. I'd like to make sure those 15's get big enough to have a mature egg in there. And it'll be nice that it's over the weekend so I won't have to take a day off of work, I'm out of leave right now. It does mean that we'll need to drive to the main office in Rockville instead of going to the one near us. Which means Mr H will have to do his business there, instead of at home. I'd actually prefer it that way, I worry that we mess it up somehow driving it in. Also means that we'll be stuck there for the hour and a half in between the wash and IUI. If it wasn't the weekend before Christmas I'd run to the mall or something but there's no way I'm going to deal with all that traffic. I'll bring my ipod and a book and try to relax.

Speaking of the holidays, we are determined to decorate our tree tonight! The decorations are still over at my parents house and I just haven't felt like stopping by there all week. My mom has been giving me a hard time about money lately, she thinks I spent too much on Mr H's present even though she has NO idea what our finances are and that this present, while slightly above the limit Mr H and I discussed (notice I did not say my mom and I), it is well within our budget. I've just had too short of a fuse lately to talk to her. But today, with the thought that we might get 3 follies, I think I can handle it.

And then I still have just a few presents left to buy. Need to get something for my secret santa (actually my frosty friend), my mom (who obviously has not been on the 'good' list lately), and some stocking stuff for Mr H. I'm thinking of just picking up some scratch off tickets for my frosty friend....would you all want that? Otherwise, what can you really get someone for 5-10 bucks?!?!

*update
My nurse just called. We're triggering tonight with the IUI on Saturday. I feel a little bad for Mr H. My cold is still so bad. It'll be like that episode of Friends where Monica refuses to admit she's sick and comes out rubbing ontiment all over herself, coughing and sneezing while asking Chandler, "don't you want me right now??" Yup, that'll be our house tonight ;)

Kind of a blah day.
Came home from work early hoping to catch up on some sleep to kick this cold. As ridiculous as it sounds given what I'm doing to get pregnant, I actually am very anti-medication. I hardly ever take anything (well, again, aside from all these IF meds). Last night I caved and took some nose spray so I could breathe. Still ended up waking up around 4 all congested. So while the cl.omid side effects are gone, I still can't freaking sleep.

Had a really hard time with my f.ollistim injection last night. It was almost as if the needle was dull, I couldn't get it to pierce the skin and then when I did, it really hurt. As long as it all got in there and works though I'll be ok. I really hope I've still got 4 growing at a decent size when I go in tomorrow. Although I don't know how you ivf ladies do it, my right side already feels uncomfortable, like someone is pinching me on the inside.

Wish I had something more exciting to post about, but everything is just blah here.

What is wrong with the world?

Seriously....this....again....

I want it not to be true but it's being report everywhere. What is the world coming to? Very nice that she met the baby daddy at church...how fucking wholesome...

Good morning!

Only woke up once with night sweats and tylenol actually worked for my headache. Told the dr about how much more intense my side effects were and he said if this isn't successful, we probably wouldn't do c.lomid again next cycle. That made me very happy. It means all injections and they are not covered by insurance but I'm willing to pay a little more in order to sleep at night!



Pretty good ultrasound. it's CD 9. A 12, 13, and 14 on the right and a 12 on the left. Forgot to ask about lining but I will the nurse calls later on today. They were pleased that everything is growing at the same rate, as opposed to last cycle that had the 17 and 13 on CD 11. So tonight is another Follistim with ultrasound Thursday. They're estimating the IUI to be Saturday or Sunday.



I really want the 12 on the left to catch up and keep up. For some irrational reason, I'll feel much better if there's one on each side. The only time Mr H and I really bicker is when we're driving and giving directions. We're horrible at it. So I just know that last cycle I told all those boys to swim to the left and that when they got to the fork in the road, they scratched their little heads with their little tails (probably turning themselves around in the process) and said "Now her left or my left, she always does this to me, why not use a freaking landmark or something" So, I really want one on each side. It'll get rid of all that confusion.

Apparently I have to go work now. Just found out about a 11:00 conference call...gotta love how well people communicate sometimes. Good thing I didn't have to prepare or anything!

sleep when you're dead, right?

This is like torture...seriously. I completely get how spies break once they get sleep deprived. And I think I'm turning into a narcoleptic or something. This morning I get up, shower, put my bathrobe on, and sit down on the bed to get dressed. And then I wake up an hour and half later...beyond late for work. But at least I finally slept a little. I think the only reason I woke was that my cat was readjusting (because his comfort is paramount) and sat on my face. The whole sucking fur thing wakes you right up.

Still coming down with a bit of a cold but I think I'm fighting it off. Hoping all my stupid side effects start to die down now that I'm done with that nasty C.lomid. Ultrasound tomorrow at 7:30, I just want one on each side...that's not too greedy is it??

Catching up

I've been following the "if you don't have anything nice to say..." rule lately. This round of C.lomid has turned me into a raging bitch. I have never had this short a fuse in my entire life. But, it's been a busy couple of days.

We ended up bailing on the concert on Thursday. My lack of sleep for the last 4 nights plus Mr H thinking he was getting that stomach bug kept us in. It ended up being a really good night though, we spent some quality time just hanging out.

Friday we grabbed dinner and it was "Bring your adorable 18 month old to Ber.tucci's night". Out fault for trying to grab an early dinner (still not sleeping at all here). Then, later that night, I was upset when doing my F.ollistim and shot a bunch out before injecting it. I was pissed about that. Then, we had a really long, kind crappy conversation all brought about by the fact that we are not in the same place regarding IVF and adoption. We've still got time before we need to make those decisions. I'm in info gathering mode right now. In the end, it was good that we started the discussion and Mr H does need to know that I'm not 100% sold on IVF.

Saturday I worked in the morning then we drove up to NY for my friend's 30th birthday party. Her husband took 20 of us to N.obu. Fan-freakin-tastic is pretty much all I can say. What sucked was that I was on day 4 of C.lomid and hadn't slept in those 4 days. I can NOT do this drug again. Between the headaches and the night sweats, I don't sleep at all. But it was a great, fun dinner and I'm glad we made the drive up. Being on the train back to Long Island at 1 am with a bunch of drunk 15 year old boys wasn't fun (who gives alcohol to these kids....I still get carded) but the highlight was when I got picked up by one of those young lads! Mr H went to get the car since it was sleeting and I had pointy, fun shoes on. There was just me and this one kid standing there waiting for rides. After pacing around, and without looking at me, he asks, "So, where you going...cuz my mom can totally give you a ride if you want...or something". Not sure if that's good for the ego or not. I totally burst his bubble when I said my husband was getting the car.

Today we went and saw my nieces for a bit since we were in NY and then came back home. I'm trying to fight off a cold but am completely failing since I can't sleep. (can you tell I'm really freaking tired). Tonight was my last C.lomid and I am SO glad. I've got my ultrasound on Tuesday and I'm guessing they'll be another shot of F.ollistim that night.

Still catching up with weekend posts. Oh...and my bloglines is completely messed up, so sorry if I missed you. Over the school break I'm going to make the switch to reader and update my blogroll here...I promise!!

new day

Thanks for the support yesterday. I think sometimes I minimize things (like saying its just IUI) as a way to protect myself. But you're all right. I do need to recognize that what we're doing is a big deal and allow myself to feel everything I'm feeling.

Two quick things. First, last cycle I didn't have any Clom.id side effects until day 3. Not anymore! Took my first pill at 8:30 last night and by midnight I was having night sweats. Totally sucks. I can handle the hot flashes (in fact its so cold at work I kind of want one) but those night flashes are going to be the death of me. I'm a bad sleeper lately anyway and waking up 3-4 times in a pool of sweat does not help matters. Ok, second thing. In the shower this morning I found stretch marks on my boobs! Which means I was not imagining those symptoms last cycle. But it still sucks...to get stretch marks when I can't even get pregnant.

Going to to go the C.arbonleaf concert tonight (might need a powernap when I get home first). There's a song on their most recent album, "Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat" that just sums up all this cycling crap. I hope they play it.

really?

I don't even know what to say about this. At least she's not a drug addict like some of the other mommies to be out there

Moving right along

I'm finally back to feeling 100% (well, probably 85...whose ever really at 100 anyway?). It was pretty much just a 24 hour bug. I am just such a baby when it comes to being sick.

Had my day 3 appointment today. I was very happy that it didn't include bloodwork since I'm not a fan of the phlebotomist that was working this morning. Not sure why not though. Ultrasound showed no cysts (yeah) and 6 antral follicles on the right and 4 on the left. Yes, the exact opposite of last month. I still would like that to be higher, but there's not much I can do about it.

So I start ion my 50mg Clom.id tonight through Sunday. Friday and Sunday I've got 150 of F.ollistim. My next ultrasound is on Tuesday. I was so excited to start meds last month and I'm just not feeling it this time. I know I haven't been cycling anywhere near as long as some other people and that I'm just doing IUI. I just can't help but wonder how much of this I can take. Can my heart really break every 30 days and still somehow be whole the rest of the time? I don't know.

I also realized that I just want to be a mom. Yes, that probably seems obvious to many people. But I used to think I wanted to be pregnant. Now, not as much. Yes I would still like to experience pregnancy, but all I really want is the mom part. But now, to me, pregnancy seems like the means to the end. I don't care how I end up getting to be a mom, that part isn't as important to me. Long before we got married, Mr H and I always said that if we wanted more than 2 children, we'd adopt. So I've started to research it a bit. Thing is, I want to somehow protect myself from the heartache of cycling....and adoption doesn't do that. Nothing does really. So I'm not sure which path to take.

Had a very interesting drive to the clinic this morning. They had Rt 50 closed for a motorcade of motorcycle cops dressed up as Santa. There had to have been at least 50 bikes with half of them dressed up as Santa. It made me smile though. Definitely not something you see every day. At least when I called in late to work it was a novel reason.

CD 1

This is probably a waaayyy TMI post, even for those of us who share d.ildoc.am details ;)

AF arrived in the middle of the night. It was a lovely moment when I realized that at that particular moment in time, my ears were the only orifice that was not oozing bodily fluids. Lovely image, I know.

I managed to sleep for about 4 hours last night, so I'm just lounging away in bed. Trying to do some work but it's just not happening. I have kept down the 5 saltines I had for brekkie around 9. So I'm counting that as a success.

I am SO glad AF didn't show up until today. I just looked at the calendar and if she had shown up yesterday, I would have been shooting up first at concert on Thursday and then at N.obu on Saturday for my friend's 30th birthday party (which I am SOOO excited for). While I'm fairly certain that it would not be the first time the bathroom at the 9:30 C.lub saw a syringe (local ladies can probably back me up with that) but I still wasn't feeling it. Seems like I'd just be begging for some sort of infection...or someone wanting me to share and not believing me when I repeatedly tell them, "it's not what you think". I would have been alright up in NY, just seems kinda rock star to do it there....plus I can't help but think that their bathroom would be cleaner. But now I don't have to worry about that....and I'm so glad!

Ugg...meds just arrived and are not helping the nausea. Going to take a nap instead of dealing with them, keep your fingers crossed that those crackers stay down!

Souvenirs

I didn't bring home a good one. My cousin and his 2 kids were just getting over a stomach bug last week and they seem to have shared it with me. I am now counting the minutes until Mr H makes it back from his Imm.odium run (he he he, didn't notice that little joke until right now). I have this ridiculous aversion to throwing up and generally make myself sicker because I just refuse to do it. This time I don't know if I'll win this little battle with my stomach. And I'm such a baby...I hate stomach bugs.

Other than my little souvenir, the weekend went way too fast and was exactly what I needed. That side of the family knows about our IF and recent negative and everyone was just wonderful. My cousin's 8 month old is just adorable and I had so much fun with her. And since we're now 'out' about our infertility, it was the first time I've played with a baby and people didn't tell me what a natural I am, or ask when I'm going to get one of my own. It was very refreshing.

And if anyone has any spare prayers, please add my aunt to your list. Her breast cancer is spreading and the meds she had been using to keep it under control (Fe.mera coincidentally) are no longer working. So chemo is her next step. I'm so glad we were able to make it down there for her birthday.

And it looks like I didn't need to take my meds for any extra time, AF still hasn't shown up, although right now I'm glad.

Alright, Mr H is back with my drugs, some red Gato.rade (my fave) and ginger ale. Isn't he the best??

updated at 9:00--lost my battle with the porcelin god. I am such a baby when it comes to puking

Officially nope

Turns out I'm not the 0.001% that has a false negative on a pee stick! But they did say I could continue on the Pr.ometrium for a day so I'll be able to go away. I completely agree with those of you who said that IF has taken so much away from us. I can not let it take this too. My aunt has been like a second mother to me. At times growing up I was closer to her than to my own mom. There is NO way I could not be there to celebrate her 60th birthday with her.

Now while I did say I was Ok..well...that's a lie. So please indulge me in my few minutes of wallowing, whining, and tears. And recognize that there have been several glasses of wine involved tonight. Here is why I needed this cycle to work. In June 2006 at my annual exam, my gyno looked over my charts and told me to give it 6 more months. She said if I wasn't pregnant at Thanksgiving, to call and make an appointment. Every single day in December I put off making that phone call. As much as I knew there was a problem...and I wanted to fix it....I just couldn't say it out loud, or admit it. Finally, right before Christmas, AF showed up again. The very next day, I got up the strength to call and make my appointment. The only way I did was by telling myself over and over again that Christmas 06 was going to be the last Christmas I spent child-less. I promised myself that I would at least be pregnant by Christmas 07. And I'm not. And I am not ok with that.

Ok, I've cried my tears and will move on, I just had to get that out. It sucks to break a promise, especially one you made to yourself. And on a lighter note, looking at a calendar, IUI #2 just might fall on Christmas Eve...meaning there's still a chance I could be pregnant for Christmas 07...I just wouldn't know it at the time ;)

thanks for all the hugs...I love them!!

nope

First response was negative this morning. Still had to go in for the beta. I checked with my nurse yesterday and since I now have a history of chemicals, they want to make sure my levels are zero.

Surprisingly ok, just ok, but as Mr H put it this morning, OK is pretty damn good right now. I'm sure it'll hit me a bit more later, like when the next round of meds arrives!

I'm going to see if I can stay on the pro.metrium for just 2 more days. We're supposed to go down to FL for my Aunt's 60th birthday this weekend. She's my god mother and has been fighting breast cancer for the last 5 years. When we bought our tickets down, we made sure they were refundable in case this cycle was a bust, knowing that I'd probably have CD3 b/w and u/s that weekend. Mr H and I talked about it last night and at this point, we've waited 2.5 years, what is 2 more days. I'd much rather spend the weekend surrounded by my family. And I don't want IF to take that away from me too. We're going to stay with my cousin, she and I are just 16 months apart and have always been super close. Some of her TLC is exactly what I need right now. So I'm thinking of taking my dose tonight and tomorrow morning. That should be enough for AF to stay away until Saturday.

Creme de la Creme

I entered my submission...have you??



It was a really hard decision. I had so many favorite lines or snippets but I didn't like the whole post. Go enter now! I need some reading for my break!

one day to go

I need someone to help me figure out why, with the roads barely wet and a few little flurries falling, my 35 minute commute needs to take over 2 hours. Why?? It was ridiculous this morning. People are just idiots sometimes. A women decided to stop 2 lanes of traffic in order to get her side mirror that was crumpled on the highway. They aren't putting it back on lady! And yet you felt the need to block off these 2 lanes for 5 minutes while you picked up the pieces of you car....get out of the freakin road, you've got bigger problems than the mirror, your car is completely smooshed. Between the traffic and the meds, I was really ready to run her over. Instead, I sat there fuming thinking 'I SO need to move back north'. But at least it was a 2 hour distraction.

To add to the minus column, really bad cramps last night, AF style. But for the plus side, this is my longest LP ever. So we're still pretty even. Had a google emergency last night. About 2 hours after inserting my Pr.ometrium, I went to the bathroom, and the capsule fell out. I really wanted to take another but everything I found said that if its in for 20 minutes, you got all the meds. Hoping Dr Google is right. Of course that couldn't have happened with my morning dose so I could call the nurse.

Thanks again for the support and good wishes. I'll be testing tomorrow morning before my beta. Not sure when I'll be able to update that day

Still nothing

I stayed strong this morning and didn't test. Mainly because we have people staying with us and I couldn't have handled the negative since at this point (13 dpiui) it would be pretty damn accurate. And for that reason, I won't be testing tomorrow morning either. I really don't want to be in tears dropping these people off at the metro. I will though, before the beta, just to have my moment by myself (since the house guests will be gone).

Oh, and another note to self: When 13 dpiui, do not wear your red (really blood red) underwear. I swear I cursed every single time I went to the bathroom today (which was a lot). The pr.ometrium drips do not help that situation either (sorry, that was probably a bit tmi)

Still no AF-type cramps, so that's a plus. Still waking up all sweaty, a minus. Still crazy huge, painful boobs, a plus. Face so broken up I need to dip it in a vat of concealer, a minus. Still no spotting, another plus. Yes, I literally have a plus/minus table going here. Problem is, all of the plus signs can all be explained by the Pr.ometium.

At this point, as much as I want a positive, I just want to know and move on if I have to. I'm tired of this freaking wait.

Thanks for all the good thoughts though, I appreciate it. And I love all my new commentors (not sure if that's a word). I promise to update my blog soon, but you're all in my bloglines and I love reading your stories!

What a Monday

I definitely have a case of the Monday's. (I think that is the 2nd time I've quoted this movie in the same week...please tell me you all know it)

I woke up at 5 this morning with crazy night sweats (not sure if that's considered morning sweats). And I usually get those the day before AF shows up so of course I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I laid there thinking about every single thing I'd done over the last 2 weeks and ever little twinge I've had.

I managed to fall back asleep after my alarm went off and just went in a little late to work. Get to work and what is the very first thing I do, spill my entire coffee over my desk...and myself. At least my first thought was 'Save the Laptop!' but I'm all sticky now and everything else that was on my desk was ruined. Thankfully I had cleaned and organized Friday afternoon, usually my desk is a disaster area. Of course, I was so tired that I splurged for a half-caff this morning and it just got wasted! I've got a bunch of meetings that I forgot about and I forgot that Mr H's friend is crashing with us the next 2 nights. Uggg....

Today is 12dpiui. I managed to stay strong and not test the last 2 mornings. For me, getting AF is somehow easier that seeing those white screens staring back at me. At the same time, after today, I'd really love to pop open a bottle of wine tonight and NOT share it with anyone else. But I won't, because you never know. (Or I'll cave and test...and then pop open my bottle). I know I'll have to test Thursday morning before my beta. I need to know so I can brace myself for the phone call. This is the worst part of the 2ww, I can always make it through the beginning no problem. And this one is even worse since I can't help but think that it is the first time we've had a fighting chance.

To end on a positive, I had a fantastic time at the DC Metro bloggers Cookie Exchange yesterday. Thanks so much for hosting Leah. It was wonderful to see everyone!

why?

Why did I decide to POAS yesterday afternoon? Yes, I told myself that it was to make sure the trigger was completely out of my system like the Jen's (he he, just like the Bob's...great movie) suggested. But really it is because I enjoy torture. I should consider becoming a spy when all this is said and done because no one will ever be able to get anything out of me. I torture myself all the time...for fun even!! Anywho, naturally Friday's pee stick was white as a ghost. But you see, I rationalized it because I tested in the afternoon and drank a ton of water that day. So this morning, what did a half asleep Meghan have to do??? You guessed it! Pee on yet another stick. And ya know what....the trigger is still out of my system! Now this is where I get good at the self-torture. I'm now telling myself that because I got up to pee in the middle of the night (around 2) that the test I took at 7:30 must not be valid....so tomorrow morning I'll be at it again! Today is 10dpiui. Yes, I know its still early but still within the realm of possibilities.

Enough of that depressing crap. Let me tell you about my otherwise fantastic Friday night. My MIL always just writes us a check for the holidays and ever year we do something practical with it. And this year we were planning on doing the same. She's overly generous with her gifts so it would almost cover all of my meds for this next IUI (if necessary). Instead, the fantastic Mr H tells me that his mom wanted to make sure we did something fun so instead she got us tickets to go see Av.enue Q. I'm pretty gullible and easily get excited for a night out. We go out to a fantastic to a place with a great pre-theater menu (I was so pleasantly surprised by this restaurant) and then walk over to the show. The whole time Mr H is telling me that his mom did a bad job with the seats, they suck, on and on. We get there, he walks right past all the ushers and brings me to front row center...right behind the conductor. I was so surprised! He did it all (and I should have know that his mom is not computer savvy enough to buy tickets for anything online). He actually got lucky and when he was buying the tickets last week he told the guy he was trying to plan a nice date for his wife b/c she'd been down lately and the guy at the box office upgraded him! See, it can pay to be miserable and depressed ;) It was a fantastic show. One where you definitely want to be up close to see all of their facial expressions. I need to download one of the first songs, It Sucks to be Me. I see it becoming a key staple in my pity party rotation.

Today started out fun. Met my almost sister in law in Clarendon for a meeting with the florist. I just love her (my almost sister, not the florist, who was nice) and can not wait for her to officially be my sister. I am so lucky my brother picked someone I actually like. After that I had to rush home to change. I had meetings with 2 families today. Sucked to work 5 hours on a Saturday but that money should totally cover Christmas shopping this year.

And tomorrow is the cookie exchange with the DC Stirrup Queens. And that means I must get myself in the kitchen!!