more ramblings

Why do moms have such power over us sometimes? And as much as I want to be a mother, does that mean that someday I'll be able to so thoroughly ruin my child's day??

I went over to my parents to pick up our christmas decorations and wrap Mr H's present. I got there before my mom and had happily checked out her decorations, the presents under the tree, and had started my wrapping. I noticed she got a neat new Rudolph toy that looks just like the one from the cartoon. My mom gets home and immediately starts talking about my cousin's kids again...how cute their card was, etc, etc. I ignore it all, keep on wrapping. To change the subject, I ask where she got the Rudolph. She starts talking about that and then mentions that it sings and the nose lights up and then here's the kicker....She says, "now all we need is (insert names of cousin's kids) running around pressing it all day long".

I know she said it without thinking it would be hurtful. And I know I should have used that opportunity to educate just how hurtful, thoughtless, and insensitive comments like that are. But where do I even start? Floodgates would open, it'd be verbal diarrhea. How do I say that I've been dreading this Christmas. That I should have a little one obsessively making the damn thing sing to the point we take out the batteries. How do I explain the promise I made to myself last christmas? And that I'm not making it this year. That as much as I want 2007 to be over, I'm petrified of 08. That by the end of 08 this will all somehow be resolved. That Mr H and I are not on the same page in terms of what to do next and that scares the crap out of me. What will that do to our marriage, and to us as individuals? That he doesn't know how he feels about adoption and I do not want to be childless. And yes, I do feel a bit silly that all these thoughts flood my head after one little kids at christmas comment but I can't help it. The internal monologue is always running, like the ticker at the bottom of a news show. Yes, something may be going on in the foreground, but somewhere inside of me, these thoughts are running, sprinting even.

I left not long after that comment, and I didn't mention how much it hurt. Here's the kicker...I know she'll say that same thing again, to someone in my family while I'm around. I don't know if I'll be strong enough to say something then either.

I didn't let her completely ruin my night. We tried out a new pizza place close by. Mr H is originally a New York man and constantly laments that there is no place to 'grab a slice', but this met his criteria...thank goodness. And we talked and he made me feel better. But we didn't decorate our tree, I just didn't have it in me.

Oh and then the trigger! After I did the shot, pushed the plunger all the way in, yada yada, and took it out, when I put it down on the counter, someone some more meds shot out! I'm really hoping that it wasn't as much as it looked like.

Tonight I'll must up some holiday spirit to decorate the tree and then it's up early again Saturday for the IUI. Don't know often I'll be able to check in the next few days (who am I kidding, I'll still be checking all the time) but if you celebrate, have a wonderful christmas, and if you don't....enjoy a few days off!