Friday, December 21, 2007

more ramblings

Why do moms have such power over us sometimes? And as much as I want to be a mother, does that mean that someday I'll be able to so thoroughly ruin my child's day??

I went over to my parents to pick up our christmas decorations and wrap Mr H's present. I got there before my mom and had happily checked out her decorations, the presents under the tree, and had started my wrapping. I noticed she got a neat new Rudolph toy that looks just like the one from the cartoon. My mom gets home and immediately starts talking about my cousin's kids again...how cute their card was, etc, etc. I ignore it all, keep on wrapping. To change the subject, I ask where she got the Rudolph. She starts talking about that and then mentions that it sings and the nose lights up and then here's the kicker....She says, "now all we need is (insert names of cousin's kids) running around pressing it all day long".

I know she said it without thinking it would be hurtful. And I know I should have used that opportunity to educate just how hurtful, thoughtless, and insensitive comments like that are. But where do I even start? Floodgates would open, it'd be verbal diarrhea. How do I say that I've been dreading this Christmas. That I should have a little one obsessively making the damn thing sing to the point we take out the batteries. How do I explain the promise I made to myself last christmas? And that I'm not making it this year. That as much as I want 2007 to be over, I'm petrified of 08. That by the end of 08 this will all somehow be resolved. That Mr H and I are not on the same page in terms of what to do next and that scares the crap out of me. What will that do to our marriage, and to us as individuals? That he doesn't know how he feels about adoption and I do not want to be childless. And yes, I do feel a bit silly that all these thoughts flood my head after one little kids at christmas comment but I can't help it. The internal monologue is always running, like the ticker at the bottom of a news show. Yes, something may be going on in the foreground, but somewhere inside of me, these thoughts are running, sprinting even.

I left not long after that comment, and I didn't mention how much it hurt. Here's the kicker...I know she'll say that same thing again, to someone in my family while I'm around. I don't know if I'll be strong enough to say something then either.

I didn't let her completely ruin my night. We tried out a new pizza place close by. Mr H is originally a New York man and constantly laments that there is no place to 'grab a slice', but this met his criteria...thank goodness. And we talked and he made me feel better. But we didn't decorate our tree, I just didn't have it in me.

Oh and then the trigger! After I did the shot, pushed the plunger all the way in, yada yada, and took it out, when I put it down on the counter, someone some more meds shot out! I'm really hoping that it wasn't as much as it looked like.

Tonight I'll must up some holiday spirit to decorate the tree and then it's up early again Saturday for the IUI. Don't know often I'll be able to check in the next few days (who am I kidding, I'll still be checking all the time) but if you celebrate, have a wonderful christmas, and if you don't....enjoy a few days off!

16 comments:

Shelby said...

I am so sorry your day was ruined by a comment your mom said. Hopefully she didn't realize what she was doing to you when she said it. It may be a good idea to talk to her at some point to let her know how comments like that really do sting.

As for the meds squirting out, that happened to me so many times! Especially with the trigger shot. Don't know why, but the way it's pressurized seems to make it so not all the stuff wants to come out. They do make allowances for that too, so I'm sure you did get enough into your system. I'm crossing my fingers for your IUI tomorrow!

I also hope you have a wonderful christmas. Or at least try to.

Fertilize Me said...

I second the flub up on the trigger. i have done that a few times myself.

I am glad the night ended with happy mr h and good pizza.

So sorry that your dear mother is clueless when it comes to your feelings and what you are going through

Jen said...

I think it is up to you on whether to educate her after hurtful comments. My vote is to do whatever is easier for you. Sometimes the explanation is worse than the comments. I have held back on a lot of comments because I thought it would be easier on me.

Merry Christmas!

Infertility said...

I'm sorry that your mother is making comments like that. I think sometimes people don't think about how hurtful it is. When you go through infertility, your whole mindset changes and sometimes others just don't get it. Anyhow, here is a little advance good luck for you IUI!

A said...

I'm so sorry that you're Mom was insensitive. They really just don't think about comments sometimes. Mr. W was moaning about not being in the Christmas spirit and said, "It would be different if we had kids..." I started sobbing! Of course that's not how he meant it, but still.

Oh so much good luck with the IUI!!!!!

hoping for a child said...

i'm so sorry. i've got the most ignorant mother-in- law who says terrible things every time i speak with her. she's just not a very bright woman and i let her off the hook b/c i know she's not playing with a full deck and she doesn't mean to hurt me. you are describing me...my mind never stops either. i cried in the grocery store yesterday b/c someone was holding a baby. it'll get better.

Yoka said...

Sorry your mom ruined your day. I don't know why they have so much power over us and why it hurts so much what they say...

Try Vapiano's in Ballston for Pizza, it is great. Have a wonderful Christmas!!!

Ms Heathen said...

I'm sorry that your mother upset you with her insensitive comment - I think it's impossible for anyone who hasn't been through it to realise how much these throw away remarks can hurt.

Wishing you all the very best of luck with the IUI tomorrow.

Meg said...

So sorry you had a run in with the thoughtless comments.

Yum...slices. I think I just decided what we are gonna get for dinner tonight.

Frenchie said...

My mother has quite the nack for saying the most hurtful things without meaning them. I totally get it. Those comments must have stung...:0(

Michell said...

I'm so sorry about the hurtful comment from your mom. We all hope that others understand that their comments while not meant to can hurt so much. It's so hard when they don't. Good luck with the IUI and the tree. Hope you have a somewhat Merry Christmas and hang in there.

Adriane said...

Those comments really do hurt. I feel hyper sensitive at times, but when you're shooting up everyday, it's hard not to be. I'm hopeful you won't hear any more comments over the holidays. :-) Good luck with your IUI today!!! Have a great Christmas!!!

http://wizardofovulation.typepad.com/ said...

So sorry. I could devote a whole blog to the insensitive things people have said, many of they from my mother. This time of year always seem especially hard, but since you trigered, think maybe your little Christmas miricle is on its way :)

infertility just sucks said...

YES on the internal monologue. It's constant and never-ending. I'm always thinking, musing, wondering, supposing.

Always looking with hateful eyes at small children, pregnant bellies, my empty home.

I wish I could push "mute."

Ms. Infertile said...

Of course that internal monolouge is always playing - hard not to when IF has a way of tkaing over one's life.
I'm sorry the comment was hurtful.
I hope the IUI goes well too.

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

LJ said...

Good luck today sweetie - hopefully this is it for both of us - even with the nutso moms