So lately I've felt like I'm circling two different worlds, not really a member of either one but also not having a place to identify with. Like one of those funky Venn diagrams from 8 grade. You know, you've got Circle A and Circle B and a the little place they overall is A and B....but I'm an R or something crazy off to the side. I'd like to be an A and B in that small cozy little spot in the middle, surrounded on all sides by the amazing people of both circles, but it just doesn't work that way.
Here's my case in point...and I admit in advance that it is a kind of lame example. I've mentioned before that I love f.lair on f.acebook. Well on the same day last week this beautiful lady sent me some f.lair all about how annoying fertility advice is. We all agree, it most certainly is. You ladies are all my A circle. You are were I am most comfortable. However, everyone not in this circle seems to think that I ran like a bat out of hell away from Circle A and never looked back...that I've been 'cured' or something. Later on that same day my dear cousin (who is one of the very few IRL people who knows every gory detail of our trek to get pregnant) sent me some cute pregnant f.lair about creating people. How fun would it be to be a part of Circle B?? Just to be pregnant, taking it all for granted, complaining with everyone else, making conception jokes (this is a post for later in the week, I just lifted my baby shower ban, thinking I could pretend to be in Circle B but I soooo can not). Circle B was what I wanted all along...but I can't fully join and, even more to the point, when I try to join, those Pure Circle B's don't really want me. I scare them I think. Especially when they already ask when we'll be trying for a sibling (seriously, can't I get this one out first) and I say that we aren't sure if we'll go through all the rigamaroll again and that we're just focused on this amazing blessing. I don't think they like the reminder that you can be young and still have infertility...that it could be them next time.
So that leaves me with either being the A+B in the middle....or that R floating somewhere in the corner. A+B is tricky business, I haven't been able to find a good way to navigate that circle. And I didn't put up either of those pieces of flair, because I can't figure it out. But being an R....well being an R just sucks. It's lonely. And I know this is my issue. All of my lovely A ladies do not make me feel excluded, I do that to myself.
Not sure where all this leaves me...just had to dump a bit. Thanks for reading (and thanks for the diaper bag advice earlier....only problem with those discount sites is that I want more than 1). Oh and I did take pictures of the crib and dresser (and I did cry as they carried them upstairs) and I'll post them as soon as I upload everything.
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5 comments:
The way you said this makes a lot of sense.
It is hard being in that in-between place. I'm there with you.
you said what i feel so clearly ... at least to me .... I'm still in the detachment zone (at 25w4d) and wonder when i'll get to be one of those other women who just seem to "take it all for granted" ..... i guess i'll never take it all for granted.
hang in there!!
I really like that Venn Diagram analogy. My sister asked me over the weekend if it wasn't weird that I still hang out with my infertility support group now that I am "done with it". I tried explaining that you're never done, but it didn't work. And you know, a lot of people are in that middle place with you.
I feel the same way.
Circle B people bristle when throwing positive fuzzy sayings at me and I say something like, "Well, after 3 years of trying and 2 miscarriages..."
There must be another circle, or maybe just the intersection of the two - where women have gotten pregnant but who don't do the warm and fuzzy blissful thing.
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