Saturday, July 19, 2008

I shouldn't be sad today

I shouldn't be sad and I shouldn't be sitting here thinking about what could have been. This week would have been the due date for my little November angel. I only knew I was pregnant for 5 short days but, at the time, they were the 5 best days of my life. I don't think I ever really gave myself time to grieve the loss. I jumped right into my first IUI days later, pumping myself full of hormones. Hormones always do wonders for mental states, right??

So now I sit here, just feeling sad. I've tried to think of a better word for it, something more descriptive, but sad really covers it. And I feel horribly guilty and wrong for that sadness. As I am typing this, I can feel little Q moving inside of me. I am so lucky and blessed. And I know that there are many women out there who pass a missed due date and aren't as lucky. Right now my heart breaks for them. So while I do feel bad about being sad, I can't help but think about what could have been.

As I think about it more, I think my general sadness is really more due to this bringing back all of the IF crap. This baby would have been a do-it-yourselfer. Conceived in our own home, own bed, with just the two of us there. As cliched a story as it would be, getting pregnant on the cycle before starting treatments, who really doesn't wish that happened to them? Instead I got a big, bloody reminder that we couldn't do this ourselves. Instead I went headfirst right back into day 3 ultrasounds, shots, watching the sunrise waiting for a morning wanding. Random doctors either cracking lame jokes between my legs or filling the room (and my uterus) with their god-like complex. As people around me joke about what we must have been doing last Christmas, me thanking Mr H for the diamond earrings, he got a flat screen so I got a baby, and other lame jokes like that, I think to myself...you have no fucking clue. Christmas I was 2 days past my iui and spent most of the day in tears. I think that is what I'm mourning more than anything else. The fact that the baby we made by ourselves couldn't make it.

But I know I shouldn't be sad...

17 comments:

hoping for a child said...

don't feel guilty for your sadness. you have every right to feel sad for your loss. i don't think one ever gets over the loss of a baby. i'm so sorry.

Jen said...

You have every right to be sad. You lost a baby. Getting another one doesn't negate the first one. It is okay to mourn that one.

I'll be thinking of you today.

Michell said...

Sad is ok. You experienced a loss. In those 5 days you had hope and were able to think about that possible take home baby. It is all part of the journey. Hugs to you.

Leah said...

Be sad all you want. Baby Q doesn't "replace" the little one, and you are entitled to grieve over that loss.

It was great to see you and your gorgeous belly! xo

Mommy Someday said...

I totally understand your feelings. I had the same ones back in December when my first due date arrived.

K77 said...

Thinking of you. Screw any "should"s, you're sad, and that's legitimate.

Geohde said...

You can b e sad for what you lost and happy for what you have at the same time,

xx

J

sara said...

You only grieve what could have been because you are such a loving mom. It would be impossible not to feel what you are feeling - and one does not replace the next. Both are your little ones, and always will be a part of you. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, I can't even imagine how hard that must have been and continue to be. ((hugs))

Rebecca said...

You have every right to be sad and then you'll swing to being happy for Q. Gotta love pregnancy hormones too! You're a Mom...if you didn't remember things like this, you'd feel guilty about why you didn't. Take it easy.

Jen said...

You have every right to be sad! It doesn't mean that you aren't happy about what you have now.

Shelby said...

Nothing wrong with being sad! A loss is a loss, and it sucks. I"m thinking of you.

docgrumbles said...

You have every right to be sad! 5 days is long enough to get attached!

Kate said...

I'm really sorry.

Lori said...

We THINK we should hold only one emotion at a time.

But humans are very complex. We can hold even opposite feelings simultaneously.

Michell said it very well.

Ms. Infertile said...

Thinking of you - you have every right to be sad for the baby you lost and it does not take away the happiness you have for Q now.
((hugs))

E said...

I'm sorry you're sad, but don't feel badly about it. 5 days, 5 months or 5 years...it was still your baby.

Don't sweat the weight gain, either. It will be gone before you know it.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

You shouldn't feel badly about feeling sad. A m/c is a huge loss no matter whether you end up with a healthy baby the next time or not. Try not to beat yourself up so much. And better to mourn when you can handle it. Carrying around that grief is not good for you.

XOXOXO