I know, I've been a very bad blogger. I keep coming up with all these great posts in my head at night and then by the time I can actually blog, they're long gone and all that is left is this horrible cycle of "I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm scared". Throw in a random "I think I'm gonna hurl" and you've pretty much summed things up for me.
I really hate that my blog has recently become a laundry list of everything I've been doing or that's going on, so I'm trying to avoid that. And I hate that I feel stuck in this in-between land, still fighting all the demons of infertility while simultaneously feeling cramps, pangs, and all these other symptoms of this little thing growing inside of me. Don't know how to avoid that though.
My cousin sent me a link for a sale at some maternity shop and asked if I had started shopping yet. Seriously!! After I composed myself, I wrote back joking that, at 7 weeks, I didn't quite need that just yet. Apparently, at this point in her first pregnancy, she already had a small stash of maternity clothes, since it made sense to buy things on sale. Just crazy
Again, another nonsense post with no real direction, but that's kind of how I feel lately. I'm going through each day without direction. I drag my tired butt out of bed each morning, stumble through work, then stumble my way to my private clients most nights, stumble home and go back to bed. I'm direction-less. I used to have direction and was highly motivated towards my goal. I was going to get pregnant. Every early morning as I dragged myself out of bed, I had a direction...going to the clinic at some pre-dawn hour to check on my progress. That's what got me through everything else. Then at night, I had another direction, whether it be a pill or a shot. Now, no real direction. Doesn't that seem crazy?!? I reached my destination. I should be happy, not wandering all over again like before I started treatments. Not sure how to find my new direction...any ideas from some of you ladies who made this trip already? There needs to be a mapquest for all this crap.
Ok enough of this. Want to say a quick thank you to the Order of the Plastic Ute (aka. the DC Bloggers) for a fantastic get together Saturday. Girls night in is one of my fave things...and this one was even better because I didn't have to pretend to nurse a beer, dump it when no one is looking, then fill it with water. Pretty lame, I know
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About Me
- Meghan
- This is a little bit about me, my hubby, and our journey to start a family.
Blogger Bingo
Total out of pocket expenses to date
$3487.41~that includes various co-pays, 1 CD 3 bloodwork and 1 ultrasound for testing, HSG, 2 betas, IUI #1 (meds, 3x b/w and u/s, IUI, and beta), IUI #2 (meds, 3x u/s, 2x b/w, IUI)
Our timeline
- Jan 22 saw heartbeat at 6w3d...guess it's real
- 18 dpiui beta = 1077!
- 16dpiui beta = 450
- 13dpiui beta = 121
- Dec 07- IUI #2- 50 mg C.lomid + 150 IU F.ollistim = BFP!
- Nov 07- IUI #1-50 mg C.lomid + 75 IU f.ollistim = BFN
- Nov 5- BFN, beta dropped to less than 5, chemical pregnancy
- Nov 1-BFP on 4 HPT--what a suprise!!!!
- October 07-Sept was annovulatory, waiting on AF to start first IUI
- September 07-on the bench
- August 07- officially diagnosed with "unexplained fertility", going to start with IUI
- July/August 07- CD 3 bloodwork all normal, HSG all clear!!!
- June 07-finally get first RE appt!
- March 07- CD 21 progesterone test showed I didn't ovulate that month, Hubby's SA came back with low morphology. Gyno referred us to an RE
- Feb 07- scheduled appt with gyno, charting showed late O and probably LPD
- June 06- got serious! Started charting and using CBEFM
- June 05- went off bcp, sometimes preventing, sometimes trying, not taking the whole thing too seriously
- April 05- We got married!!
12 comments:
I had a blast too with you! Thanks again for driving. I will nurse your beer for you if you need me to. :)
You haven't been a bad blogger at all! We still love you.
Shopping for maternity clothes at seven weeks seems a bit extreme for anyone.
The exhaustion is totally normal. I am afraid that the fear and anxiety is also totally normal. The farther you get the more you will be able to trust that everything will be all right. Part of the anxiety is your hormones. You need to rest as much as you can and do whatever it is that gives you peace.
I think all of these things you are feeling is totally normal (not that I would know.) I think you are doing a fine job blogging!
Bad blogger? Where? Who? LOL!
I think the lack of direction thing is pretty normal. You've gotten what you wanted, but it is still difficult to believe it and you're scared. Plus, just like with TTC and IF there is not much to do but wait at this point. Hang in there!
I am often envious of the naivete of people who can shop for maternity clothes at 7 weeks and announce (IRL) at 4.
And yes, it's all normal. Get through it any way you can.
The first tri just sucks. It will get better though. In the beginning of the 2nd tri you can start with maternity clothes and by the end you get to register and order nursery furniture. It gives you more to do (more direction) The 1st tri is just sitting around waiting for the weeks to pass. I understand but it does get better!!!
i totally hear you. i think that is what ppd is about too, in some ways.
Meghan - I found your blog through a friend's blogroll and got wrapped up in some of your posts. I feel like I could have written some of them myself, the way you describe the windy road of infertility. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'll be following your posts, hoping to be in the same place soon :) -Amy
I wish I could come visit that area at a time when a bunch of you are all getting together. It sounds like you all have so much fun.
You're not a bad blogger, and your post are interesting! I think everything you are feeling is normal - infertility to pregnancy must come with a lot of mixed emotions.
I couldn't help but smile when I read about the dumping out beer and filling it with water.. my SIL is pregnant and when she was trying to hide it in a drinking situation, we helped her do the same thing - we kept going to the bathroom to fill up her 'beer'.
I'm feeling a bit direction-less too. This cycle was so crazy and demanding that now I feel at a loss.
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