Tuesday, September 18, 2007

to tell or not to tell....

that is the question.

I'm having dinner with my mom tonight. I see her all the time but never get her alone. The last few times we've been away together she's noticed that I'm not myself and so far has been pretty respectful. She'll ask if I'm ok, mention that I don't seem happy and when I lie through my teeth and tell her that I'm fine, just tired, etc and then she doesn't bother me about it until the next family vacay in 6 months or so.

And I want to start telling people. I have a large, crazy, amazingly loving and supportive family and we always rally whenever one of us needs something. It really is amazing and I know I'm incredibly lucky. I'm just not sure how to start the ball rolling...or if I even want to. Part of me wants to keep this private because it hurts and I've always hated showing any weakness or pain in front of other people, even those that won't judge me and love me regardless (I know, that's an issue I need to deal with but that's a whole other post). And it's private, incredibly private. Mr H tries to compare it to any other medical issue but it's more than that to me.

And I just don't know how to get the words out. When I told my future sister in law, it was essentially verbal diarrhea. She asked me to be in their wedding and I just started spewing all this stuff about maybe being pregnant but not knowing. And I ended up telling her the whole story, mainly because she was excited we were trying...and it really wasn't something to be excited about.

I know that once I tell, I can't un-tell and I just have to cross my fingers and hope that people are supportive. I just know there is so much potential to get hurt.

So any advice, words of wisdom for this?


LJ said...

Depends. For me, I am glad my family knows. They are all super supportive, and have said only the kindest things. However, I know women whose families would not be as kind.

So depending on your relationship with your mom, if the roles were reversed, would you want to know (pick another disease, obv.), or pretend it is your future child.

You can't untell, but I'm very glad Mr. Badger and I don't have to go through this alone. We even found out that both his aunts had to use IUI themselves...

Pamela Jeanne said...

It does help to have the support, but it's also takes a lot of emotional energy to help educate and tear down the myths (the misinformation out there is staggering).

I'd start with those who you trust the most. Mom? Yes. You also set up some privacy boundaries with your mom when it comes to about sharing (or not) the information with others.

I know how hard it is to acknowledge such a painful, personal condition with those closest to you because it only makes it that much more real. Reading your post brought back my own conversation with my mother...

dmarie said...

We haven't really told our families. They know some things, but we haven't sat them down and explained the good, bad and ugly. My mom hasn't been very supportive (in the way I need) so I know I have to limit what I say.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Shelby said...

I found that my mom was a really good source of support for me. Even though she's 8 hours away, she knew something was wrong, and it was hard to hide what the problem was. It's nice to have her to talk to, or cry to when I need to. And believe me, our relationship really isn't very close. I just knew that if I ended up with OHSS and in the hospital, that it owuld be easier if she knew what was going on ahead of time.

It's different for everyone. But I am really glad that my mom knows. Also, I knew my family history, but my husband had no clue if his parents had any issues getting pregnant (which was relevant when filling out forms for the RE). So he called and talked to his dad about it.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Diana said...

I was so happy that I told people (well as happy as you can be). It made a huge difference. I mainly did it in an email saying along the lines "I am sure you are all wondering when we will make a big announcement..." and I proceeded to tell them that we were seeing a specialist and we hoped to have an announcement soon. I also explained to not respond telling me to relax, etc. I had some excellent responses and most were very supportive. I had one or 2 people try to tell me to relax but I blew them off because I had so much other support.

Telling people was a great experience for me and I didn't stop with family and friends, I have talked to my dry cleaner, window installer etc. If they ask when I am going to have kids, they get the abridged version so that they may be more educated.

Good luck to you! It's a tough decision but it sounds like you have the kind of family that can handle it.