Tuesday, October 16, 2007

busy busy

Whew, I've got a lot to say. I couldn't get on at all yesterday for some reason so this is going to be a long post....and I've got lots of comments to leave!

I had a bit of a meltdown over the weekend. Saturday was fine, we worked on the kitchen all day. Purging our pantry was eye opening. Nothing like throwing out unopened cans and packets that expired in 03 to make you re-think your grocery shopping and waste. Even more eye opening is that we moved here in Nov 04, which means we moved already expired stuff...a little embarrassing.

Sunday. I was SO excited for Sunday. We were going to take the Jeep out and go apple picking with my brother and his fiancee. Then over to my parents for an apple themed dinner. It was a beautiful weekend and I couldn't wait to get outside. Then Mr H's brother called to tell us that we've got a new niece! Now I've known my sister-in-law was pregnant for months now. In fact, I figured it out long before she told people. I thought I was fine with it. I could not have been more wrong. I literally broke as soon as Mr H went out to run an errand. I had one of those crying in the shower moments (which I do all the time). But this time I stayed in there sobbing long past the hot water left the water heater. Nothing says unstable like standing in an ice cold shower crying. Then, since I was cold, I got in my bathrobe, got under the covers, and stayed there for the next 5 hours or so. That is when I realized I needed to get a grip. I'm looking into our insurance to see what our coverage is for a therapist. And a big thanks to the DC ladies for all of the recs.

I pretty much figured the bulk of it out. When I first found out my SIL was pregnant last March, I had just had my initial testing with my gyno and I was confident that I'd be pregnant soon. And I'd be very pregnant by the time the baby was born. The cousins would be close in age and all would be well. As time went on, I decided that at the very least I'd be pregnant by October. And then as more time went on, I decided that at least I'd have started treatment and my IUI by the time the baby was born.

But of course none of this would work out. I put so much pressure on my last natural cycle and that of course I would have an annovulatory cycle. It's CD 45 and nothing. I thought I managed to O but it seems not. I hate that it was my last chance and I didn't work. Not that it didn't work...but that I didn't work. Feels like I have a cyst and I just know that I'm going to have to sit out October too. I know that we can't plan any of this but I really had it in my head that I'd be getting inseminated right about now.

So that was my weekend. Monday sucked too. Today is looking better. I called my nurse and emailed my doctor and they're going to give me Pr.overa to jump-start my period. Just need to go in for a beta tomorrow (HA--almost a dozen pee sticks can't be wrong). I haven't taken Pr.overa yet...any word on what to expect??

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. In other news, our kitchen is coming together. Floors and cabinets are in and it looks like they'll be finished on Thursday which means he'll do the breakfast bar on Friday!!! I will most definitely be posting some pics for everyone, I'm so excited about it. Oh, and we've decided to come out to a select group of people, our inner circle if you will. And I'm setting up a different blog with updates for everyone so I don't have to deal with talking to people when I don't want to.

Off to catch up and comment...


Trish said...

Ugh.. I hate the blindsiding breakdown!
Like WOAH! WTF was THAT?
An aquaintance of mine got pregnant, unmarried, casual relationship, not trying at all. The day she made that announcement.. I lost it. And it surprised me. I knew they'd been playing w/o a goalie for a while so it was inevitable. But it still just hit me wrong. No lie- I cried for 2 days.

I got the announcement while I was at work- I had to go to the bathroom and sob. I continued the tears down the cheeks thing for hours. Later than night.. more tears.. well into the next day.. just cried & cried.
Why the hell it bothered me so much? I don't know.

But her baby was just born 2 weeks ago and I still have no desire to see their pictures or anything. It's awful. I hate that I feel that way, but I think it just hit me wrong and now the whole thing just feels tainted. I'm sure I'll eventually get over it, but you know.. in the meantime, it sucks.

Anyway.. I'm sorry you're feeling down. I've forbidden myself from setting any more time tables. Cause first I was going to be pregnant before I was 30. Then before Christmas. Then I GOT pregnant but that didn't work out so well.. then I was going to get pregnant before my 1st baby was due.. which I did.. Only to miscarry the day before my due date. Yeah. That didn't work out so well, either.

So.. no more do-or-die days for me. When it happens, it will. Until then, I focus on the now.

I'm sure you know- Now sucks bad enough.. No need to add any added pressure to that.


Fertilize Me said...

Ah,I Feel right at home with that post, all those emotions, best laid plans, annovulatory cycles .. pressures... It's just too much at times. I am sorry that you had to end up with a cold shower, but I am glad that you are taking care of yourself. As for provera, i don't think i was affected by it at all .. it usually startes my period arounf day 7-10 ish .good luck to you

Shelby said...

I am so sorry things hit so hard this weekend. Totally understandable though. I really hope that your body decides to cooperate soon- there's nothing worse than adding insult to injury when it just isn't behaving. I've been there more times than I'd like to admit.

Geohde said...

I hate it when my body throws in an anovulatory cycle. The problem is that, since if I do ovulate on my own its often around CD35 or later, I have to wait sooooo long to be sure I'm not going to.

Personally, I just take the provera, bleed like the clappers to shed two months worth of endometrium and begin afresh.


JJ said...

Im sorry you had a tough breakdown--I can relate--and I know a lot of us can--I hope that gives you some comfort-its just a sucky part of this journey!
I am so glad that you will be looking into talking to a therapist-and I hope it helps you come out of the funk.
Hoping the pro.vera gets the cycle in gear!
Smiles for a better day today=)

dmarie said...

I hope you fins someone that you're comfortable talking to. Good Luck!

Yay for the breakfast bar!!! I can't wait to see the pics :)