Made it!

First off, thanks for all the offers to deliver some chocolate. In case you didn't notice, I had a bit of a melt down a few days ago.

What a week! First week back to school is always hard but this one was a doozy! And I had to rush to finish that article for W.ashington Parent. I had to get over the ridiculousness of it all and just 'nut up' and write it. So it's done...should be in the November issue for all of you that want a good laugh at the infertile writing for a parenting magazine!! I guess it's better than writing for a pregnancy mag. Ahhh...if the readers only knew!

We're leaving tomorrow for a weekend away. I am so excited!! While Mr H plays golf on Sunday, I'm hitting the spa and getting an Lavender Oil Wrap and a Hot Stone Massage. Then off to sit by the lake and just chill while he finishes playing. I can not wait!

Have a great long weekend everyone!

two thoughts

1. You know you've been ttc too damn long when the digital HPT's you bought when you first started trying....EXPIRE!
2. There is no chocolate in my house right now....and that is SO not ok

Back to school

Even after all my years as a teacher and even now still working in schools, the first day of school is always exciting for me. All my life I’ve looked at the beginning of the school year as a fresh start; new classes, new friends, new clothes, new chances. This is my New Year, when I make the most resolutions and reflect back. When I was younger I’d resolve to procrastinate less, be nicer, go to cross country practice more...you get the picture. Once I got older I used this as a time to think about the past school year and decide what I should do differently. Of course I did decide to go back to the gym and so far this week I'm 2 for 2!. It's sort of my own mini State of the Union (without people clapping for me every few minutes...I think I need more of that in my life)

The start of the 06 school year was hard. We'd been kind of trying for a year but I did my whole looking back thing and decided to become more proactive and changed some things up. I became borderline neurotic with everything TTC. We (and by that I mean me) charted, used the CBEFM, and basically did whatever I could to try to drive my husband away.

Now this school year. We've gotten our official diagnosis (whatever the hell 'unexplained' means), have a plan to start treatment, and I've started to accept what my RE keeps driving into my head...that we have less than a 1% chance of ever getting pregnant on our own, but this is the first September in my life where I've felt completely unsuccessful, completely unproductive, and pretty darn incompetent (and that is a trait I hate). It's the first time I have nothing to show for my work, where I set goals for myself and didn't meet a single on of them.

Now none of this is new to me of course, but I'm so much more aware of it all this time of year. I know I'll break out of this funk in a few days. Hopefully our weekend away will help, although AF is going to crash...again, it's going to be a really good thing there's a wine festival there!

Song of the Week #2

Here's my second go with the Song of the Week. Given the recent round of BFN's I thought this one was appropriate. It's short, but the message is sweet. If anyone would like me to email them the mp3, just let me know. This is one of my favorite singer/songwriters, E.llis Paul. I think he is just amazing and I tend to stalk him whenever he's in the area.

If You Break Down
from the album Ellis Paul Essentials

If there comes a day
where you wish the clocks
could roll backwards
in the cover of night
you're begging the stars to stay
asking satellites
to stop and help you to remember
how to picture the world
before everything had changed

If you break down
I'm at your shoulder
Take me at my word
You can break down
I will tell you over and over
A reliable sound is coming around
If you break down
A reliable sound,
I'm coming round
If you break down

If fear comes without invitation
and lays its head in the green within your eyes
if it's paralyzing
I will wake you
We will walk a thousand paces
walk away, walk away
till you are walking on your own

If you break down
I'm at your shoulder
Take me at my word
You can break down
I will tell you over and over
A reliable sound is coming around
If you break down
A reliable sound,
I'm coming round
If you break down

____________________________________________________
This song will often make me cry. Before I got married, this was the partner I was looking for, someone who would walk for me when I couldn't. Luckily, I found him. Then all this IF crap started. And again, I'm looking for someone to pick me up when the fear is paralyzing. I wrote this out and sent it to a friend who had a miscarriage. She said so many of the lyrics spoke to her...picturing the world before everything changed, the paralyzing fear in her eyes all the time, and the comfort in knowing that someone will be there to catch you when you break down.

So once again, that's my 2 cents. Please add your own thoughts, I'd love to hear them

oh, and it's off topic but thanks for the help with bloglines, I'm all signed up and ready to go!

Tech support please

Calling all techies!! (and honestly just about everyone has more tech knowledge than me)

I know there has got to be an easier way to manage this blog and keep up with all of you wonderful ladies that I now check on a few times a day. I think I heard something once about Google reader? Please, tell me ideas on how to keep up with your blog?

Also, how do I get my little O.prah to be a cool link and not be all pixel-y? I just cut and pasted the pic from someone else's blog but it isn't a clickable link and just doesn't look good.

And then how do I get all those other fun things like counters or seeing what g.oogle brings to you or anything else fun that I might not even know about yet?

thanks ladies!!

aahhhhh.....

...much better. Hundred bucks poorer but much, much happier. I got 4 great pieces of jewelry, one necklace that I am absolutely in love with. I can't wait for them to come in. Maybe I'll host a party for the DC ladies one of these days.

Thanks for the pick me ups....and yes, Matt D.amon is fantastic!

Surrounded!

We decided to beat the heat and thunderstorms last night and go out on a real date to the movies. I can't remember the last time we actually had a 'date night'. I picked the newest B.ourne movie. Figured it would be something I wouldn't have to think about and would be some good escapism. Turns out every other woman to walk into the theater was obviously pregnant. It's like I was surrounded!! And I know it wasn't just me because Mr H even mentioned it...and he is largely oblivious to things like that. I was even lucky enough to have someone who had to be 40+ weeks sit next to me. She was rubbing her stomach and wincing at pretty regular intervals and it would have just been fantastic if I could have birthed that baby right there in the theater for her!

Hope you all don't drown in the sarcasm that is dripping off each word. I having a down day yesterday and my movie trip did not help. At least the movie was good, a few completely impossible to believe scenes but entertaining. Off to a jewelry party this afternoon (think tupperware party but with fun jewelry!). Nothing like shopping to fix a funk!

Happy Weekend

Here's the real TGIF! Whew, what a week! I'm so ready to just chill this weekend and do...nothing!! Plus, Mr H has been out of town since Sunday and just came home today. I'm glad, we always get in stupid little fights when one of us is traveling for work.

Hope everyone has a good weekend and good luck to the ladies with retrievals or transfers tomorrow!

TGI...

Thank goodness....

1. for smart people. This is not meant to offend anyone who may not be smart, but I had such a great group of people in training that I was able to finish a day and a half early!! I think we've brought in the best group of new staff in years. I am so glad to be finished with that. I was actually able to finish moving into my new office today and actually feel like I can finally be productive again....although I haven't started working on that article yet.

2. for weekends away. We just decided to go away for Labor Day weekend. We found a place where Mr. H (who, btw, is going to come up with a good blog name for himself, I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seat) can play golf and I can go to the spa. We really need this. We've been so focused on saving money for all of our treatments. Quite honestly, I'm usually obsessive about each cycle and I've finally chilled out and accepted that it's not going to happen on its own. The place we're staying (w.intergreen resort for you locals) has 1 bedroom condos so we'll have a kitchen and living area. There also happens to be a wine festival there that weekend, so they'll be one little perk to not being pregnant!

Song of the Week

I started to talk about this a little bit yesterday but here's the scoop. One of my favorite artist posts a SOTW on his message board weekly (duh). We all then talk about the song, how we interpret the lyrics, what it means to us, etc. I love it. I love reading about what the songwriter was thinking as the song was written and I love reading about other people's thoughts about the song. It is amazing how two people can take the same exact lyrics and music yet walk away with two different interpretations of what happened. I guess you could think of it as a book club of sorts for music lovers.

For the last few months I've been flagging different songs in my I.tunes that either make me feel better, help me to wallow, or help me to put into words all of the thoughts swirling around in my head. I've got quite a little collection going now and figured I would put it to good use.

My thought is that I'll post song lyrics once a week. Whenever I can find a link to the song, I'll post that too. I'll give you all my 2 cents on the song (if its even worth that much) and then would love to hear what you think. I may be the most tone deaf person I've ever met with quite possibly the world's worst voice but I absolutely love music, all types, and I find it so helpful and I love hearing about new music and sharing mine.


___________________________________________________________

Well that got long.

Song of the Week #1

"This is My Song!" by Carbon Leaf



Here is the link to their website. Here you can listen to a sample of the song on A.mazon. It's only a 20 sec clip but it'll give you an idea of the song style and tempo.

This is My Song!
My name is Luck, this is my song
I happened by while you were gone.
Oh well...
I apologize that I could not stay
But I hope good things swing your way
I know they will... here's your horseshoe
So best of luck to you

From the stable running brave
From the cradle to the grave
This is my day, this is my song!
I am alive... what can go wrong?
If we're on our way-oh, ok let me know
If we're on our way-oh, ok then, let's go

My name is Hope, Luck just ran out
He said he'd return, without a doubt (ah, but don't you believe him!)
Oh, I happen to have a message from Love
She told me she knows what you've been dreaming of
My name is Hope, this is my song.
When things go wrong

From the stable running brave
From the cradle to the grave
This is my day, this is my song
I am alive, what can go wrong?
If we're on our way-oh, ok let me know
If we're on our way-oh, ok then, let's go

Through the windswept countryside
Across the great divide
From the stable running brave
From the cradle to the grave

This is my day, this is my song
As long as I'm alive what can go wrong?
If we're on our way-oh, ok let me know
If we're on our way-oh, ok then, let's go
___________________________________________________
whew...Longest post ever...

Alright, my favorite thing about this song, and why I picked it as the first song, is that it's fast, up beat, and I can't help but be in a better mood after listening to it. "As long as I'm alive what can go wrong?" That always helps to put me into perspective. Also the emotions in the song seemed to correspond to many of my IF emotions. First there's Luck, that pops in quickly in the beginning but can't stick around, so no "oops" or first month trying bfp's for me. Luck wasn't with me for long enough. Then Hope comes in...and says don't trust a word Luck has to say. Hope definitely is in it for the long haul. And then the best part for me, she's spoken to Love and knows exactly what I want and what I'm dreaming of. And then it all comes back to being alive and moving on our way

Alright, that was a lot of build up for a really short opinion on the song, but after all that I'm even more tired than I was before. If anyone wants a full version I'm more than happy to email it to you.

Please feel free to post any of your thoughts...do you love it, hate it (I really won't care, I didn't write it), feel nothing...

ah, the irony

I can not believe how tired I've been this week. Last week I gave a 4 day training and this week I'm doing another 5 day training. Not only does it wipe me out but the sound of my own voice is killing me at this point!

And whenever I'm doing these trainings I procrastinate like nobodies business. For some reason, I just can't get myself to do the rest of my work. It's horrible. I've been sitting on this article I'm writing for Washington P.arent magazine but every time I go to work on it I get so stuck on the irony of it all....an infertile writing an article for a freakin parenting magazine...give me a break!! Even thought it's a professional article, I feel like I have no business being in the magazine. Like I'm completely not credible. And I better be flipping pregnant by the time the article gets published because it will KILL me to have to see myself in there. I'm sure it'll be right next to some cute little baby ads or something like that.

Enough of my little tired. I'm trying to work out some of the kinks for my Song of the Week idea, trying to find some of the songs online so I can post links to them. Hopefully I'll get it worked out tonight.

Mondays...

I'm wondering if I'm ever going to feel rested on a Monday?

I've always been a bad sleeper but last night was exceptionally bad. The cat woke me up around 4:30. I rolled over onto my stomach (I can usually always fall asleep like that) and (TMI alert) my nips felt like someone was sticking daggers through them. Now I'm only 2 dpo and don't usually ever even think symptoms (I've been too conditioned by all my failures). Of course that then sent my mind racing for the next 2 hours...which was just the time my alarm was supposed to go off!

So now I know I'm going to drive myself crazy for the next 2 weeks. I know it's way to early but it's out of my control at this point, I know I'm not going to be able to stop. I never know which is better...no hope at all or that little tiny glimmer. And why does that glimmer have to occur at 4 am...I would have been just as excited if it happened during normal waking hours.

I'm doing a training all week and I really feel bad for the poor folks that had to spend 7 hours with me today. I don't think I made any sense at all. Guess we'll be doing a lot of review tomorrow morning!

Also, I'm toying with the idea of a Song of the Week post. A folk singer's message board that I'm on does that and I love hearing other people's interpretations of the artist's words. Music is always so healing for me and I have so many songs that have spoken to me along this journey. I might start it this week. You can rest assured that it will not be a weekly Monday post!!

Had a fantastic dinner with the DC ladies last night. I really appreciate how you all welcomed a newcomer into your group. I had a great time but wanted to apologize for being so quiet and withdrawn at first (that is so not me). Last night was the first time out of the IF closet and only the 2nd time I've spoken about all of this with anyone besides Mr H or my doctors. It was a little weird at first. But it was great to be with normal people who are all going through this. I am so excited to meet the rest of you ladies.

Off to see what's in the DVR and settle into bed for the night!

Another PITA

We got the letter today from our insurance company saying that they won't approve an IUI with C.lomid and injectibles...they'll only approve C.lomid. I need to double check our plan but they are saying that do not approve any injectible IUI cycles. Which makes no sense to me. Technically we hit their criteria to be able to go straight to IVF (2+ years trying) which would cost them a lot more money than this little IUI. Since we aren't going to do the IUI until October we've got some time to fight with them. I'm not going to be holding my breath though.

We also got the car tax bill today too. yeah...

Aside from all that we had a great weekend. Met some friends in Georgetown and had a 3 hour lunch in the basement of Pizza P.aradiso. We were there with some beer lovers and they've got such an amazing selection of beer on tap. Needless to say neither of us could drive home after lunch. We ended up walking over to D.umbarton Oaks and walking through the gardens. I had never been but it was beautiful! I definitely want to go back there sometime. It was such a peaceful place.

Dinner tonight with the DC Stirrup Queens--I'm so excited about it!

Incompetence!

Arg!!! I wondered what I was going to blog about once we decided not to start IF treatments until Oct...turns out I've got plenty of other things that annoy me!

I just had to move offices at work. Actually, somehow my promotion meant that I now had to share an office, when for the last 3 years I've had my own...not thrilled about that. For some crazy reason I had to change my phone extension. Here's how I found out about this change. I went into my old office this morning, saw that the v-mail light was on, but my password didn't work. I walk to my new office, check out the phone...it doesn't even have my new extension on it. So I've got messages, plus all my saved messages, locked in one phone that they've cut me off from, but they haven't told me what my new one is. A few feisty emails later, I get a call from our business manager who says she ordered it yesterday because it had to get done and she just hasn't gotten around to telling me! WHAT!! How is someone supposed to work like that? I had no way of telling anyone in the outside world how to reach me. So freaking annoying. I love the people I work directly with but our business office drives me freaking crazy!!

Anyway, I can not believe I left someone off my crushmore list. This is a tie for #3 (and it gets pretty embarrassing here). I've been watching G.eneral Hospital since I was 3 years old (I asked to stay home from pre-school to watch Luke and Laura's wedding) so I need Sonny and Jason on my mountain. It really is a need people. Trust me, I'm not proud right now

Mt. Crushmore

I got tagged for this first time last week...pretty exciting stuff! LJ over at Looking for 2 Lines started (well, I don't know if she started it but it was the first place I read about it) the Mt Crushmore. Idea is you need to pick your top 4 people, past or present (or a character) to have immortalized in stone. I thought this would be easy but I really got stuck making the final cuts.

So far
#1 is a no brainer for me. I've had a crush on Bon J.ovi since I was in the 3rd grade. At that time I wanted him to be my babysitter, not my boyfriend, but you get the idea. I've had a crush on him for far more years than I haven't. He's a shoe in for a prime spot.

#2--it already gets harder here. I think I'd have to go with Brad P.itt from any of the Oceans movies. He looks goooood in those

#3 and 4 I'm torn on. Every time I think I have it, someone new pops into my head. I've always had a problem with commitment, I mean it took me 9 years to agree to get married!

Since I don't have a huge readership just yet, I don't really have anyone to tag. If you come upon this and feel like playing, please do!

Where did the weekend go?

Anyone else think we should switch to a 4 day work week??

This weekend was a blur. I had an all day bachlorette party Saturday. We started with margaritas at a friend's pool around 1 and ended up at the waterfront for dinner, etc. It was my first time at C.antina Marina. I loved the place (it was so not DC) but was so surprised that it isn't a Mexican restaurant. The 'i' in both words is a freakin' margarita glass people!! Wouldn't you think Mexican?? So I was a little disappointed in the food just because I really wanted Mexican. The day itself was fun but I was exhausted! And then Sunday just got wasted away sleeping in and running errands. This morning came WAAAYYY too fast.

I've started an email to my RE with a list of questions for this cycle, some specific, some more general. I always forget to ask everything I want to at the appt. I'll probably sit on it a few days to see if anything else comes to mind before sending it. I hope this turns out to be a good way to communicate with him.

Ta da...

Here's a pic of the new hair!

Now my eyes are a little closed and I didn't realize you could see my broken closet door in the background but you get the idea. Before the chop, it just reached the top of my boobs.

We're off to Vidilia for restaurant week. I thought we were going last night and was soooo disappointed when I realized I had the date wrong.

The follow up RE appt went about how I expected. We got (here's another ta da moment) the official "unexplained" diagnosis. But he made sure to mention at least twice that we're definitely infertile (in case I was wondering). Our first step is going to be IUI with 50 mg C.lomid and injectibles. I wanted to jump right to injectibles but he we should see if the C.lomid will work and they'll be less likelihood of me getting cysts since I'm prone to them.

And we (Mr. H and I) decided to start in October so that just in case this first cycle is a success I won't be due the same day my brother is getting married. It was a very hard decision to skip a month, especially knowing that there are no guarantees and that anything can happen with a pregnancy. But it feels right for both of us. I'm hoping that I can lose some of the weight I've gained in the last 6 months and that this little break will help my mental health too.

Hope everyone has a good weekend! I have to go to an all day bachlorette party tomorrow. I was really hoping to be pregnant for this so I could bail out towards the end of the night. Wish me luck!!

The positives

First off, I promise to post a pic of the new hair cut tomorrow or Saturday. We're going out for Restaurant Week so I'll try to make myself look purty.

Second, I mentioned before that I like to think of myself as a fairly positive, optimistic person and IF has pretty much rocked me. For the first time in my life, I haven't been able to find a silver lining.

but...

I've finally found the one true positive thing to come out of all this IF...I have 'met' (and I'm using that loosely since I haven't been lucky to meet any of you...yet) so many of the most amazing, strong women. I really do not know how I would be making it through all of this without the support that seems to just pour out of everyone, even when every single other person has got a whole ton of crap they're dealing with too. I just want to thank everyone on all the message boards and out there blogging that have read or commented. It really makes all the difference in the world!

Yeah for get togethers!

I just randomly found out about a DC GTG from another blog I read and am SOOO excited!! I added some people to my blog list but not everyone (since I'm at work and in theory should be working). I'll finish checking out some of the other ladies' blogs this afternoon.

Anywho, I'm beyond excited to have some RL people to who 'get' me. I can't wait!

New hair cut!

Yikes, I asked her to it to chin length, instead I got jaw, just a bit over my ears! I guess that is what I get for going to the teaching schools, you just can't beat a $12 hair cut though. It'll grow back, right?!?

Nothing new to report, anxiously waiting for my follow up on Friday. I'm sooo not a patient person. I've always known that but the constant waiting of IF just wears me down.

Home sweet home

Four days with a bunch of 2 year olds. That's almost enough to make me question going through all this!

We had a good weekend with all the in-laws. I was in a good mood since the HSG went well. And of course, my niece is just about the cutest, sweetest little girl I've ever met. I even managed to not be too jealous of my 6 months pregnant sister in law. That green eyed monster only got to me a few times and lucky for me, my wonderful hubby noticed and was able to distract me.

After a LONG trip home (we thought we'd beat traffic by taking today off and driving home but apparently everyone else had that same thought), I'm very excited to be back home. Crazy how 4 days is enough to make you miss your routine. Now I'm off to go snuggle with....my kitty ;) He's even more excited that we're home!! Nothing like coming home to a pet ;)

All Clear!!

Got the all clear at my HSG this morning! Once I got over the cramping/burning, I was very excited. Now I've just got to wait until next Friday for our followup appointment with the RE.

The drive up to NY was uneventful. I, of course, got nervous going over all the bridges, and Mr. H of course made fun of me!

Off to HSG...

Much less nervous this morning.

I'll update with the results later this afternoon, whenever we get to NY.

Thanks for all the good wishes everyone!!

Brought to you by the emotion...

NERVOUS!

I'm getting more and more nervous for my HSG tomorrow morning. Not so much about the procedure itself, I'm viewing that as a step forward. Mostly just the unknown of it. And the fact that right afterwards we're getting in the car and driving to NY for my niece's birthday. We'll be staying with my mother-in-law.

Which brings me to a whole other set of emotions. Mr H. went up to see them one weekend in June when I had to work. He decided to tell his mother about our IF (apparently he thought I had said I was ok to start telling people...I was not).

So I think the emotion of the weekend is going to be dread. I'm dreading her saying something to me about the IF and I'm equally dreading her saying nothing and it being awkward. Hopefully all the focus will be on my niece and my sister in law, who's about 6 months pregnant.

Bye bye bitter self

So my bitterness from this morning is gone (well mostly). I was able to make all of my appointments. I have my HSG Friday morning at 9 and then my follow up with the RE Aug 10th. From there we come up with a plan!! From what we talked about at our last appt I'm guessing it will involve IUI, just not sure which types of meds.

I'm still working on formatting the blog. I added our timeline and some of the other blogs I like to read. I still haven't gotten to add them all, that takes awhile! So please don't feel bad if you aren't on there yet!

Day 2

So here's my struggle, and I think it is going to be what I struggle over the most about this blog.

I'd like to keep this upbeat and positive because that's generally how I am and even more importantly, it is how I want to be. But sometimes (like the last 2 days) so much crap is going on that I just can't do it.

Which leads me to my current battle...do I make the 2nd post of this blog bitter and angry since that is how I'm feeling right now or do I smile through it and know that I'll come out the other side? I feel as if this could set the tone for awhile to come.

Looks like I won't have time to decide since my cell is ringing and it's probably the RE office saying they can't help me schedule my HSG and I'm going to have to sit out yet another month (see that bitterness sneaking out)