Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Back to school

Even after all my years as a teacher and even now still working in schools, the first day of school is always exciting for me. All my life I’ve looked at the beginning of the school year as a fresh start; new classes, new friends, new clothes, new chances. This is my New Year, when I make the most resolutions and reflect back. When I was younger I’d resolve to procrastinate less, be nicer, go to cross country practice more...you get the picture. Once I got older I used this as a time to think about the past school year and decide what I should do differently. Of course I did decide to go back to the gym and so far this week I'm 2 for 2!. It's sort of my own mini State of the Union (without people clapping for me every few minutes...I think I need more of that in my life)

The start of the 06 school year was hard. We'd been kind of trying for a year but I did my whole looking back thing and decided to become more proactive and changed some things up. I became borderline neurotic with everything TTC. We (and by that I mean me) charted, used the CBEFM, and basically did whatever I could to try to drive my husband away.

Now this school year. We've gotten our official diagnosis (whatever the hell 'unexplained' means), have a plan to start treatment, and I've started to accept what my RE keeps driving into my head...that we have less than a 1% chance of ever getting pregnant on our own, but this is the first September in my life where I've felt completely unsuccessful, completely unproductive, and pretty darn incompetent (and that is a trait I hate). It's the first time I have nothing to show for my work, where I set goals for myself and didn't meet a single on of them.

Now none of this is new to me of course, but I'm so much more aware of it all this time of year. I know I'll break out of this funk in a few days. Hopefully our weekend away will help, although AF is going to crash...again, it's going to be a really good thing there's a wine festival there!

3 comments:

In and Out of Luck said...

Yup! I'm there with you.

Fertilize Me said...

I recognize the working hard for nothing to show feeling. I wish i had comforting words - I am sorry you get to feel this way

Kristen said...

I'm clapping for you right now!

I was always the student that had all my stuff prepared like a month before school started. I always loved the first day back.

I can see how the time of reflection has become more and more painful over the years. I'm so sorry it couldn't be different this year.

(((HUGS)))