Get out the map

Every 2ww I analyze (hmmmm....over-analyze) my boobs looking for those tell-tale blue veins. I stand in my bathroom looking at myself in all sorts of light and usually manage to convince myself that I see one. Then I rest happily knowing that for sure, I'm pregnant. (yes, I realize that this is probably more information than anyone ever wanted to know about me). Then this morning, I am about to get in the shower and I actually jumped back in surprise. Holy crap, my boobs have an actual roadmap of nasty blue veins across them....I look disgusting! I've never seen anything like it. Yet another sign to make me think I might have a shred of a chance.

8dpiui and other than RandMcN.ally scattered across my chest, nothing else is going on. I'm going to try to wait until Sunday to test. That'll be 11 days. I want to make sure that darn trigger is out. Plus, I usually only have a 12-13 day LP so Sunday wouldn't really be that early. But, like I said, I'm going to try to wait. I make no promises.

Mel has a great post on why Christmas just sucks sometimes. I hate that I don't enjoy the holidays as much as I used to. And I know my family resents that I spend more time with the in laws since they don't celebrate Christmas. Even being around my niece for Hanukkah is easier than my cousin's kids at Christmas, not sure why. I've stopped sending out cards...because I don't want to get them back in return. Last year I got 2 cards where people announced their pregnancy. Talk about being blindsided. Since I can't hibernate, I've just stopped getting the mail. Mr H still does every few days but the catalogs go straight into the recycling bin, they never even make it into the house. Not sure what I'll do with the cards and newsletters when they inevitably start pouring in, I guess save them for a good day...I do have them occasionally.

Need everyone's help

First, before I get to what I need help on let me state the obvious. Pr.ometrium is the devil, no doubt about it. I am slowly turning into a crazy person. I hate what this does to me. Today I've been this little insecure thing, ready to either lash out or burst into tears at a moments notice.

Thanks for all of the insurance tips. I never thought that switching would make a difference. In fact, I was scared to switch in case suddenly all of this became a pre-existing condition. I will have Mr H talk to his HR people about it all. It's open season at his work and we looked at a lot of other plans but ours actually had the best coverage so we'll stick with it for now.

Ok, here's where I'm hoping someone out there in blogland knows someone or has a cousin of step sister's in law's dogwalker (you know, the one that always ends up pregnant while on the pill) in the jewelry bizz. When we got engaged, I bought Mr H a really nice Br.ietling watch as his engagement watch. I figured I shouldn't be the only one with something nice to wear. About 2 months later, his dad passed away and left him his old Tag watch. Both are really nice watches and both look almost exactly the same. Last year I went to the jeweler's to see if I could get a leather band for the Tag, so they'd be different and he might wear it more. They told me they couldn't do it. Now I'm about to start a much more aggressive campaign for info but if anyone out there knows a jeweler, a watchmaker (does such a profession still exist??) please let me know. I am determined to get him this!

6dpiui now and realized that I haven't started spotting yet. I'm a little scared that I'm starting to get my hopes up. I pretty much always start spotting between 4-7 dpo. I really want to keep on being all pissy and negative (it's such a flattering light to portray myself in, right?) Just going to keep on sitting tight.....I freaking hate waiting!

Jekyl and Hyde

That's me today...and that's pretty much how this post reads. I'm bulleting so I can get everything out easiest.

• I LOVE LOVE LOVE my RE. Seriously. And I know I shouldn't announce my love for him this much since he does get all up in my business and there's a possibility he impregnated me (as an aside, I so want to get this shirt if I get pregnant). On Sunday he called to see if I had any questions following the IUI. Monday morning I emailed him a few of my questions. He called back a few hours later and then after leaving me a voicemail, replied to all of my questions via email. I am going to start expecting this responsiveness from all my doctors! True, I pay him a bit more than a regular ol doc, but I'm still impressed.
• My questions were all about our next cycle (for my mental health, I need to keep moving forward and thinking of plan b). I thought we had a pretty sucky response to the cl.omid and folli.stim. He didn't think just one follicle was a bad thing. I want to be slightly more aggressive and he is thinking Cl.omid again, but this time with Fo.llistom on CD 5 and 7, instead of 9. Not sure what I'm thinking. I need to ask him a few more questions. My biggest concerns are that we only have 6 IUI's covered lifetime. And pie in the sky thinking, I'd like to have 2 kids. Which brings me to my next point...(and brings out the Hyde)
• Why on earth do people seem to think I should only have 1 child? Just because I'm infertile am I not entitled to that american dream of 2.4 kids and the picket fence? Don't get me wrong, I will be beyond thrilled if I have a child but am I supposed to completely give up my dream of a large family? When I've mentioned this lifetime benefit and our plan for 2 children, two different people have expressed shock that we would want more than one child.
• Not sure how I'm going to handle the whole dr thing. I want to walk that fine line between successfully advocating for myself and respecting his knowledge and opinions. It's a pet peeve of mine when my clients or parents of students don't walk that line with me and I do not want to be the name in his inbox that causes him to cringe (since I have more than a few of those)
• my freaking boobs! They HURT! Not quite as much as last month's chemical but still more than any other cycle. I know, I know, it's the meds. At this point, if it's not a pregnancy symptom, I don't want to deal with it. I don't need another part of my body with bruises on it.

Ok, ranting over. Any assvice on the meds or anything else is welcome. And thanks for putting up with me

Back to work

I would really be fantastic as a stay at home wifey. Coming back to work today just sucked.

But Sunday! Sunday we made over 100 bucks returning nasty wedding presents. Yes, I know we've been married for 2 1/2 years but we just finally decided to get all of the crap out of the basement closet. I know if we had done it closer to the wedding we probably would have gotten some more, but at this point, I'll take the 100 bucks! I am a little sad to say that we no longer have por.nographic candlesticks....they were pretty freakin awesome! But the gift card to Bloomies makes me happier. We've got even more stuff on Craigslist so hopefully we'll the present-buying fund will get another little bonus. Had a quiet night with Mr H. Made some turkey chili with leftovers that was great and watched Si.cko. I am now petrified that my insurance is going to find some way to deny the rest of our treatments. It was not a movie I should have watched right now.

And on the symptom front....5dpiui and nada. Cramps I had earlier are gone and I'm just left with crazy sore boobs. Seriously, my bra barely fits right now and I have a big bruise from the stupid wire digging in. It sucks, mostly because it is just the Pr.ometrium talking. Trying to talk myself out of testing to see if the trigger is out of my system. I really don't want to make myself crazy testing early but I know it's inevitable. Apparently I enjoy torturing myself.

3dpiui and hungover

So I know it's really way to early to have any symptoms and anything that isn't made up in my head is probably from the Pr.ometrium but I don't care. Having tons of cramping on my left side. Pains on the right, that 13mm that was too small to trigger is probably going to end up being a cyst. And since it's been about 6 months since I've had a painful cyst, I guess I'm due. Oh, and my boobs are sore but I know that's the meds talking. Given the not so great timing and Mr H's not so great count, I'm not getting my hopes up. (ha...please remind me I said this in about 7 days)

We had a great weekend up in Philly. Jenna commented on my last post and said she hoped my happiness hangover lasted. What a great description! And it certainly did!!! My brother and his fiance decided to come up with us too so we had a fun road trip Friday morning. It was so great to see our friends. They moved in August and we hadn't seen them both since their wedding. I had never been to Philly before. They live in the cutest neighborhood, I just loved it. We had a great afternoon walking around and a fantastic dinner Friday night. The best part was that kids/pregnancy never even registered on the conversation. Partially because they are all part of our IC (inner circle) and know about our IF but also because no one else is in that spot. So for once, I didn't feel inadequate. And since they know about the IF, they didn't raise any eyebrows when I nursed a glass of wine over dinner and didn't drink at any of the bars we went to (as an aside, when will VA go smoke-free???? it is just so nice). Played a little photo hunt for far too long and then called it a night.

Today we walked around the city some more, got ourselves a cheesesteak for lunch, and headed home. This is seriously the best type of hangover ever!

Stuffed

Uggg....the eating orgy started at 9:15 in the morning and pretty much lasted until 9 pm. I don't even think I can move. The apple butter pancakes where unbelievable. I highly recommend putting a spoonful or two of apple or pumpkin butter into your pancake batter next time you make them. So easy and it way impressed the fam.

I posted awhile back about my apple infused vodka. Wow!! So good. And I must give a shout out to LJ and her fantastic bartender of a husband for this recipe. My whole family got a bit silly a bit too early in the afternoon because of it.

We had a great dinner and than played a rousing game of Cra.nium. Tonight was exactly what I needed. I laughed more than I have in weeks (maybe months) and for the first time in a looooonnnnggg time, my tears weren't sad. And tomorrow morning we're heading up to Philly to see some friends we haven't seen in forever. It should be a fun weekend.

Hope you all had just as wonderful a day.

Hurry up and wait

Not only is that what I'll be doing for the next 2 weeks, it was also the theme of the day. We didn't get taken into our 10:30 appointment until about 11:20. Mr H's post wash was 10 mil, not great but certainly not horrible. Procedure itself went fine. I was a little nervous since my dr had said it would feel similar to the HSG...and I thought that was horrible. He had a little trouble getting my cervix into position but once he did it was over in seconds. And now I like to think of it as some crazy reality show going on in my tubes. I named it Egg-lette as my one little egg looks for the perfect spermie. I was thinking something along the lines of Rock of Love, but if this works, I really don't want to associate my future child with B.rett Michael or any of those skanky, skanky ladies.

I get to start my Pr.ometrium tomorrow (happy thanksgiving to me) and my beta in scheduled for Dec 6. After the chemical last month I'm not sure if I'll test early or not. Regardless I'll test on the morning of the beta, I need some advance notice of impending bad news.

Hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving. We're going to my parents first thing in the morning and are in charge of breakfast. I'm making apple butter pancakes and Mr H has various meats he's very excited about. And from there...we'll pretty much just eat all day. And of course we have the apple vodka! My brother also made a cinnamon infused bourbon....sure to be a fun afternoon.

ready

Made myself new playlist in case I get nervous waiting tomorrow morning. HA! In case!!! Let's play fix the sentence (since you all know that I'm a grammar geek I can tell you that was one of my favorite games in school). So here's the edited version: Made myself a new playlist for when I get nervous waiting tomorrow morning.

Mr H has decided he wants to do his part at home. Of course he decided this too darn late to get a collection cup. So he has decided to get up earlier than he has to, drive there, get the cup, drive home, do his business, then drive back there. Can you tell this is a man who usually takes public transportation? I don't think he has any idea what traffic will be like but it's not me that's driving. As long as he gets that sample to them at 9 I'm not letting myself stress about it. (again HA!)

Thanks for all the good wishes. Keep those good thoughts coming tomorrow around 10:30!! Oh, and for Lea Bea who asked, I did 50 mg C.lomid CD 3-7, and 75 iu F.ollistim CD 9 and 11 with an O.vidrel trigger CD 13. I'm a little upset about not advocating for a more aggressive plan back in August but not only did I trust my doctor and was nervous about the side effects, but I also wanted to respond to a low dose and not need the heavy hitters (especially not that 2nd shot of F.ollistim....that shit burns). But as much as I don't want to, I'm glad we'll bring out some bigger guns next time around.

wow--100 posts!

I was trying to plan something fun and exciting for my 100th post. Maybe because I'm in a school and all the classrooms count the days and have big parties for the 100th day of school. But somehow counting out 100 pennies or cheerios just doesn't translate on the internet!

I was thinking about it last night and I am just so glad that I decided to start blogging. You all are an AMAZING support network that I am so lucky to have. So really, I should be sending out 100 thank yous to everybody.

Now back to business! Had my bloodwork and scan this morning. Sucky part is that my insurance only covers 2 per IUI cycle so this one is going to be out of pocket. But leftie took the hint and grew. It's big enough to trigger. Rightie didn't do a thing, still weighed in at just under 13. In my disappointment over rightie, I don't remember how big leftie is. I'll ask when my nurse calls back later.

So we'll trigger tonight and the IUI will be Wednesday at 10:30. Excited and nervous. It was my dr doing the ultrasound and while he reminded me that it only takes 1, he did say that he wanted to be much more aggressive next cycle and that I did not seem to respond to well to the C.lomid. So I'm glad that we're going to develop a better plan B. Not that I'm planning on this not working...just trying to find that balance between hoping for the best and bracing for the worst.

Slow and steady **updated at bottom**

Had my bloodwork and ultrasound today. Scan showed one 17 mm follicle on the left, a 13 on the right, and a few smaller ones on both. I had been hoping for at least 3-4 decent sized ones but I guess I'll take two....it's certainly more than I've ever had at this point in the game. So I go back tomorrow for another scan, although I doubt the 17 will grow that much in a day. My nurse is going to call sometime today to let me know if I should take another F.ollistim or just let them do their growing on their own.

Other than that, had burgers and bowling night yesterday and I actually almost beat Mr H (I'm a terrible bowler). Must be all those Wii tournaments we have ;) Today we've got a big day...a little Ik.ea, a little Tar.get, good times!

** update (I didn't want to waste my 100th post on a silly update...I know, I'm a dork)

nurse called and told me to take another 75 iu of F.ollistim tonight and to come in for another scan on Monday. I hope this lets the 13 catch up!

thanks for all the info and good wishes!

Did it!

First injection done!

Whew! I managed not to psych myself out too much. Had a little bit of a problem drawing it out of the vial and lost a little (is it bad that I wanted to lick it off my counters???) Injection itself didn't hurt at all, but I totally get why so many of you call it Folli-sting.

Thanks for all of your pep talks and advice. I iced myself all up and also put the needle in the fridge.

Off to watch good tv (and maybe have some ice cream too....I earned it, right??)

How did we get here?

That's what I spent last night thinking about. How on earth did we get here. I actually started this post the night of my first C.lomid. I know it's pretty low tech compared with so many of the other treatments out there. Kind of like being in awe of an electric screwdriver when everyone around you is building houses....or something lame like that. But seriously, I do not completely understand how I got to this point.

And tonight's my first injection. So naturally I picked about 3 fights with Mr H last night. Only one of which I had a legitimate reason for being mad at him. Anytime I mention being nervous about the injections, he makes some stupid comment about imagine I'm a diabetic, then I'd be doing it every day. Well I'm not! And it's not insulin I'm injecting, to keep myself alive, it's massive amounts of hormones, in the hopes of creating the possibility of getting pregnant. Very different situations. And then last night I was watching the video from the RE and I'm flinching every time the model injects herself (which btw, who signs up for that acting gig??). Turn around, Mr H says no big deal and pretends to do it to himself a few times. Easy for it to be no big deal for him, it's all pretend to him.

So that was our real fight and then I picked stupid fights with him for the rest of the night. Between my catastrophizing all night long and those stupid night sweats/hot flashes I got no sleep. I'm sitting here in bed exhausted, trying to get up the energy to get in the shower and go to work late and all I can keep thinking is...how did I get here?? And I don't have an answer.

8 random things

I'm finally getting to this...sorry. Both Jen and Busted tagged me last week but things were a little crazy.

Here are the rules: Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you. Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Here goes:
1) I've got old arthritic knees. When the ortho diagnosed me and I said "I'm 25, there's no way I can have arthritis", he promptly told me I had the knees of a 65 year old. Lovely to hear.

2) I've been to Afri.ca. I hiked Kilimaj.aro with my dad and brother in the summer of 2001. We didn't summit but it was still an amazing experience. That would be where my knee blew out just prior to discovering it was 65 years old so I'm listed as an official rescue off the mountain and had to fill out TONS of paperwork.

3) I've never had the chic.ken pox growing up. I got vaccinated for it before I left for college

4) Until this fall I never liked hot coffee. I was a hard core tea drinker and it totally threw me and I felt like my whole identity changed. But now I'm over it because there is nothing more delicious than a pepp.ermint w.hite mocha.

5) I went to Catholic high school for 4 years and then like a good girl went and married a nice Jewish boy from Long Island! I recommend the interfaith thing to everyone, it makes visiting family at the holidays SOOOOO easy!

6) I tend to be impulsive and do things without thinking them all the way through. Like when I bought a new car that was a stick shift....without knowing how to drive it. This was made even worse by the fact that I have to drive on both 66 and the Beltway to get to work! I grew to love it though and miss the fact that my car doesn't come in a stick.

7) My car...I drive a Pr.ius and I LOVE it!! I like that it actually looks different from all of the other models that also come as a hybrid. And yes, I am one of those environmental freaks. I try to only buy local fruits and veggies (I can not get Mr H to give up his bananas though) and am really trying to 'minimize' all the junk in my life. (but in full disclosure I must admit that I also LOVE that my car gets my into the HOV lanes on 66 each morning.)

8) My one exception to minimizing....my shoes. I'm sure some of you remember my dilemma when I bought 4 new pairs of shoes in just one store and Mr H's subsequent freak out. I do have a bit of a problem.

Whew....that was harder than I thought it was going to be. Now for the other hard part....who to tag....who to tag???? This will take a minute to figure out who hasn't recently done this. Let's see, how about jenna sais quoi, Farah, Infertility just sucks, LJ, and that's all for now. It's too much of a pain to go through my b.loglines to see who's already done this

**and spell check isn't working on blogger for some stupid reason so I apologize for any typos. I HATE typos....that could have been one of my 8, I am a spelling and grammar geek!

thanksgiving prep

Sorry for all the postings today. Thought you all would like this pic.

Here's how we start getting ready for the holidays in my family.

Vodka needs a week to infuse....much higher priority than ordering the turkey or anything like that ;)

Blogger Flame of Fortitude

Wow!! That is just about all I can say in response to Jenna's post yesterday. Unfortunately I do not have the same way with words she does. I was literally left speechless. And since she summed it all up so well, I'm just going to quote her: "You are receiving this honor because you have embodied perseverance in the face of difficulty and shared the journey of your experiences with others proving that a single voice can both be a light of support and a source or humor for those in the midst of their struggle. You are acknowledged here today for allowing others to share in your personal story and providing camaraderie through the power of your words."

And all I can come up with is...right back at ya!!

Seriously though, I do feel blessed to have stumbled upon this amazing and supportive group of women. What started out as a way for me to journal my feelings has changed into my lifeline at times. I never even thought anyone else would even read this. I am not exaggerating in the least that it was you ladies (and Mr H of course) that got me through that chemical pregnancy last week. And I hope that I am someday able to repay you the favor (but wait...not that I hope you go through a loss....well...you get it, right??) I never thought I'd meet people willing to IM or email me to see how things are going, or to even regularly check the blog. So thanks to each and every one of you.

And while I do want to pass the torch, it seems I am a little late in the game. I think everyone on my blogroll or who comments already has the flame. If for some reason I'm missing someone, please consider to torch passed (and just blame it on the Cl.omid)

a pointless post

So all day long I think of all these random things I want to post about, and then when I have a second, I completely forget everything I wanted to say. I haven't forgotten that I've been tagged for 8 random things. I promise I'll get to that in the next few days ;)

So I've just got one question: spotting on clo.mid?? Anyone experience that? I've got a call into my nurse but you ladies usually have better info regardless. I'm on CD 7 and the nasty brown spotting started last night. I know that it can mess with your lining and it certainly seems to be doing so! I gotta tell you, it doesn't really inspire that much confidence that this is going to be the wonder drug and in 3 short weeks I'll be pregnant.

oh, and while I've got all you smarties here, let's talk antral follicle counts. During my initial testing in August I had 11, which they said was good. This cycle I had 10, which again they said was fine. Not trusting those silly doctors, I put Dr G.oogle on it. Everything I found suggests that in someone my age (30), 10 follicles isn't that great. Still definitely within the normal range of 10-20, but on the low end of normal. Will definitely talk to my RE about this and it does make me want to be more aggressive next cycle. If I'm already borderline low, what is going to happen in 3-4 years when I want a 2nd child? (I know, I'm getting greedy). Anywho, just wondering if anyone has any other info related to this?

thanks!!!

Catching up

Wow, with everyone doing this posting every day thing, I've got a lot of reading to do. I can't keep up with all of you!



I'm on day 3 of C.lomid. After the first day I stupidly wished for some side effects so I would know it was working. Boy did I get my wish. That night I woke up every 45 minutes or so with crazy horrible hot flashes. I never knew hot flashes were like that and I feel a little bad that I wasn't nicer to my mom when she was going through them. So I was tossing and turning constantly all night long. That was our night in the B&B. Not the romantic night we had been planning.



It was still a great weekend. We went hiking Saturday. It was a little cold and foggy but that just meant that the trail wasn't crowded. Had a fantastic dinner Saturday night. Barely slept that night so we decided to skip the wineries and drive straight home so we could nap before the concert.

B.ruce was AWESOME!!! It was a great show. My brother and his fiance are actually going back tonight, but they're hard core fans.

And now it's back to work. Sucks having to work on days Mr H has off. He was supposed to be playing house husband today but just called to tell me that the blew a circuit and we have no power on the first floor....my handy husband! Of course that's also because he was going to make me dinner tonight.

Will try to catch up on everyone's blogs tonight!

note to self

When having C.lomid inspired hot flashes....do NOT bring soup for lunch. I'm such an idiot! I've now locked my office door and am sitting in a tank top for a few minutes.

Must scrounge up something else to eat

buuuuuuuuuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

This blog is brought to you by the great cross pollination of 07. To check out my post, click on the link at the bottom. I have to admit I didn't really do it justice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Curse of My Mother-In-Law's Junk
I like to have a clean house with lots of room. I do not like clutter or decorative junk. I have a few things around, so my house doesn't look "naked" but for the most part, counters are empty, tables are clear, and mantels are unadorned. My mother-in-law is the opposite. She likes her whole house to be decorated to an inch of its life. There is decorative stuff everywhere. She is also not neat or clean, so there is clutter everywhere too. She is always trying to improve me and that includes my house. When we moved in temporarily to a rented house recently, she was full of immediate plans to bring over plants and knick-knacks to fill up my nice clean space. I managed to stop her.

What I cannot stop, is her cleaning out her closet and my father-in-laws closet and giving the stuff to us. She buys tons of new clothes all the time and gives the old ones to us. My husband has more clothes than I do. Usually what I do is to take the bags that she gives us, poke through them briefly, and then give 95% of the stuff to charity. I recently told her that we were not accepting any new clothes or stuff from her. She found a loophole and is now handing my husband bags full of clothes and telling him he "left them" at her house.

My in laws have lots of money. So, usually when they give us stuff, they say things like "that is a $150 shirt." This is to make me feel guilty about giving it away. But in my opinion, if none of us want it, it is a $0 shirt.

Story: Recently my father-in-law offered us a "really expensive" pillow. I asked him why he didn't want it if it was really expensive. He told me (after I forced it out of him) that it was uncomfortable. I asked him why we would want an uncomfortable pillow. He said "but it cost $300!" I told him that it is worth nothing if it is so uncomfortable that no one wants to sleep on it. I offered to take it and throw it away for him if he were squeamish. He said no, and I bet that pillow is in a closet somewhere at their house.

I've managed to stop most of the junk coming to our house and I have stopped showing it to my husband before I get rid of it. (He learned the "but it was really expensive" from his parents.) But I will never be able to stop it completely until one of my husband's brothers gets married. Then they will be more deserving than us and hopefully I won't have to throw so much away!

If you want to see where this blog entry came from, click here. And while you are there, enter my contest!

Got to admit it's getting better

a little better all the time
(can't get much worse)

Anywho, thanks for all of your support in coming out about our IF. Don't give me too much credit, it was to a very select group of people. And so far so good. Only one off the wall but well meaning response...but she's kind of crazy anyway. One very weird story that started out with someone writing "my childhood neighbor's cousin". As if that isn't a red flag right there. Apparently this girl was told by an RE that she would never get pregnant without fertility meds but then got pregnant accidentally while on the pill while on vacation! Yes, you speed readers read that correctly....while on the pill. Now I don't know about you, but I'm NEVER using any type of birth control ever again. Why....because I'm freakin infertile!!! After that I stopped reading that particular story. I mean maybe they wanted her to have regular periods or something but the while thing seemed a little fishy to me. Obviously she was a little confused. My aunt did ask if she could tell my 14 year old cousin. Seems to me like she's opening a whole can of worms talking to a 14 year old boy about fertility treatments but hey, not my kid. Still not sure how I feel about that one. I'll have to think about it.

oh...and here's why it's getting better. I came home from work today and Mr H had booked us a weekend at a B&B. There are a bunch of wineries around it and some hiking. He had printed out all of this info on it and made reservations at a yummy looking restaurant. I am so excited for a weekend away. And we have to rush back Sunday for the Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce concert that night! (that would be Bru.ce Springsteen) It's going to such a great weekend! Too bad I can't take tomorrow off but I'll make it through. Hopefully all these good things will minimize the C.lomid side effects. Are all of you veterans laughing your asses off at that one???

Cleaning out my closet

So, in the spirit of Infertility Awareness week, we decided to come out of the closet. We just sent out an email containing our big (un) announcement and invited 21 of our close friends and family (our inner circle I guess) to view another blog we set up. That blog has a little bit of our history, a lot of infertility awareness, and we'll use it to keep people as up to date as we want on our current treatments. Mr H and I had talked about it a lot and we know that we are missing out on an extensive support network. Plus, I have all of you amazing ladies as a sounding board, to dump on, and to pick me up when I can't quite do it myself. Mr H has nobody, just me, and I haven't been too good about picking anyone up lately. So we're out...

And as soon as I hit send I burst into tears for about 15 minutes. Not sure WTF I was thinking....but it's done....that's the beauty of the internet, there's no taking it back at this point. I'm ok, I know I will be ok with it but I'm just a little bit scared about putting myself out there. Seems like there are so many more opportunities to get hurt....and it doesn't take much. I'm pretty freakin fragile (I must be Italian, huh??).

So we'll see how it goes. Worst case scenario I take down the blog and pretend I never sent that email. My family's Irish Catholic....we can easily forget or repress anything ;)

CD1

Thank Goodness!!! I really need to get out of limbo and get back to being optimistic about all this. I do not like having a 67 day cycle. I am so ready to finally be starting treatment! CD 3 b/w and u/s is scheduled for Friday and I take my first C.lomid that night. I think, it was so long ago that I got my protocol I forget and need to look it back up. And it was even longer since my injections class. Hopefully I didn't forget any of that.

Good things

Just to end the day on a positive note, here are some good things I'm thankful for today:



1) all of you ladies. Seriously, we're all going through some serious crap right now, yet you take the time to comment. It's amazing how much better this community makes me feel. Which brings me to the next thing I'm thankful for.



2) I got home tonight and in the pile of mail was my bracelet from Bella Vida. I think she has a few left. I am so excited to wear it and proud to be among so many amazing women (although I wish we had all meant under different circumstances).



3) I'm thankful my RE actually gets back to patients. He said if AF hasn't shown in 4 days to call him. And we can start the IUI as soon it does (my nurse also mention something about sitting out a cycle). And thanks Truculentgirl for mentioning the hysteroscopy, I'll be sure to ask about that.

So that's it, I could only come up with 3, but I think that's pretty darn good all things considered. Thank you all again!!!

Going out of my mind

I might seriously lose it.

Beta was under 5, which I completely expected and, at this point, am OK with. I did the crying, raging, mad at the world thing yesterday and I am ready to move on.

I called back my nurse to see when I should expect AF and if anything would change with our IUI plans. She said I can expect it in 3-4 WEEKS. Yes, I said weeks. First off, I never have a 3-4 week cycle. If she even looked at my file, she'd see that I'm pretty consistently 33-35 days. I had mentioned that I had some spotting last week and she is saying that counted as AF. I tried to explain that all I had was some really light brown spotting and that in no way for me counts as AF. And she still stuck with her 3-4 week line. I know I may not have any medical degrees but wouldn't any lining that had built up need to come back out? And I asked her that (although I phrased it a little bit nicer). And she again said that my spotting counts.

Then I got tricky (he he he). I asked if that was the case, can the light spotting I had today make this CD1 so I can go in for bloodwork and us on Thursday and get this cycle going. She needs to go ask the dr about that.

I better freaking be able to start this IUI. It has been in the works since August. Yup, August!! Now we decided to skip September for family reasons and I am really starting to regret that. I guess I thought I was ok with and over the whole chemical pregnancy thing but apparently I wasn't. Because all I want to do is climb under something and have a sob fest. But I can't because I'm giving a workshop later on where I get to tell parents how to manage their child's difficult behaviors and I just know someone is going to ask me if I'm a parent. arg

And just to get out the very worst part of all this....I can't forget how Mr H looked at me those 2 days we thought I was pregnant. It was a look I've never seen before, it had so much love in it, and amazement at what we had done. And now that's gone. And I don't know if he'll ever look at me like that again. And it just makes me want to cry.

negative

HPT was negative this morning. I'l still go in for the beta tomorrow to confirm but I stopped the Pr.ometrium so hopefully AF will get on her merry little way.

This just sucks. I know it wasn't supposed to happen and it's a miracle that it even did...but why the tease?? If it wasn't going to work, I really wish Fate hadn't f-ed with my head. Because for a few days there, I actually believed.

Thanks for all your kind words. They help more than you know.

Hope

I'm starting to lose it. Hope that is. Although I'm sure I will also lose 'it' before all this is said and done.

I'm an idiot and keep on POAS. Yesterday the line was much lighter and today it's almost gone. On the $ tree test you could barely see it. It was there on the First Response but so light. I'm trying to think objectively and realize that this was a chemical pregnancy. I think I'll have my pity party today so I can get on with my week tomorrow. My 2nd beta is scheduled for Tuesday and I have a killer day where I need to be able to function. I'm giving a training from 8:30-4 and then giving a workshop from 7-9. I'm not even sure when I'll be able to actually talk to my nurse. Maybe it's for the best, I won't have too much time to think.

This is so fucking unfair.

Knowledge does NOT equal power

Alternatively titled: Ignorance would be bliss.

This is yet another thing infertility has taken away from me. If this was November 2005, I would have peed on those sticks and been pregnant. I'd just be pregnant. And excited beyond belief. None of this beta or cautiously optimistic crap. Although I'd probably be complaining about the sore boobs, headache, and nausea while now I'm psyched about them. (I felt really sick eating dinner about an hour ago and was actually disappointed that I didn't throw up....that's pretty messed up).


I know that this is completely out of my control and is a complete miracle. So why do I feel like I'm on a teeter totter...going back and forth between being excited, thinking "right at this moment in time, I'm pregnant and that is amazing" to already starting the grieving process, thinking "there is no point getting excited about this because in 3 days I'm going to find out this was just a chemical pregnancy". I do know that I need to protect myself. I guess, I wish I didn't know that I needed to protect myself. Because I'm not doing a good job of that, of being protective. With each cramp or wave of nausea, I say hi to my little poppy seed and thank God that it's there. I'm already starting to imagine the next few months (and years for that matter). And yes, I'm saying "if this sticks, ...." but that doesn't mean that I'm not planning for the future. And this could all be some huge cosmic joke. Maybe I royally fucked someone over in a past life and now they're getting even with me. Because this wasn't supposed to happen. And now that it has, those big thick walls I've put up around my heart and soul are slowly fading.

So ultimately, I know enough to realize that this has a much higher likelihood of NOT working, but it's not my brain that is making all these decisions. I'm just praying to pretty much every higher power out there....surely one of them will come through for us, right?? I'm not asking for a second miracle, just that this one continues....until mid July or so.

While you're here, please go vote for Mel from Stirrup Queens. She is such an amazing support and we're lucky to have her in our community. Vote for Stirrup Queens for Best Medical/Health Issues blog (you can vote once a day)

47.6 **updated at bottom**

Not stellar beta results by any means. I really wanted something in the 100's at least. And my nurse was like a freaking monsoon on the Ma.cy's Thanksgiving Parade. She couldn't even tell me to be cautiously optimistic or anything. Instead she said the number was low and now we had to ride it out. As if she was expecting it fail already. What also annoyed me was that she asked when my last period was. Now I have talked to her once a week for the last month because my last period was Sept 2. And I was in there 2 weeks ago for a beta so I could start Pr.overa. Shouldn't all that info be in my record? She said the number should be much higher if I'm 8-9 weeks pregnant. Of course I'm not....where has she been? I've got another beta on Tuesday (doesn't that seem like a really long time? I thought they were supposed to be every other day). I do have some symptoms that I've never had before that actually prompted me to start testing again. As long as they stay I'm happy.

I also asked about taking the Pr.ometrium since I already filled the Rx and I'm having some pink and brown spotting. She talked to my dr and he said I didn't need to but didn't give my P4 levels. Doesn't that seem weird? I think I'm going to email him, he's gotten back to me on the weekend before so hopefully he will again. And I might just start taking it...it can't hurt right??

Thank you so much for all your kind words and good wishes. This is so completely unreal to me. I honestly never even thought I'd make it this far. And now I can't decide if I should be hopeful, thus setting myself up for the biggest devastation of my life when this goes south OR plan for the worst and then when it does go south, blame myself for not being optimistic and loving this little poppy seed.

Mr. H (who was finally convinced at 6 am this morning when I threw 2 pee sticks at him...what a way to wake up) has poker night later so I'm going to settle in with my good buddies Ben and Jerry (my replacement for the wine) and some tv. I'm almost done the 3rd season of Grey's on DVD. I want to finish it up because the DVR is getting really full.

Thanks again ladies. Any advice (or assvice) on betas or the Pr.ometrium would be much appreciated!!

My dr just emailed me back (at 6 on a Friday, I think that pretty much rocks) and said the Pr.ometrium wouldn't hurt and it's questionable if it will help but I can start if I need to feel like I'm doing something proactive. A vaginal suppository never sounded so good ;)

Holy.....

Pick your expletive of choice. I've certainly used them all in the last 24 hours.

The picture didn't come out too great. But the bottom one says it all! Holy shit is all I can come up with. I don't know how to be pregnant. Infertile, I've really excelled at that over the last 2 years.

Still going to go in for a beta this morning, I'll just feel better having it. Since I'm not too sure when I actually O'd, I have no idea how far along I am. Somewhere between 4 and 5 weeks I'm guessing.

I now have to sit through a 2 day workshop on analyzing aggressive and self-injurious behavior. Not really a topic that is going to match my perma-grin.

Thank you all for your good wishes and thoughts yesterday (and for helping to keep me sane). I'll update later tonight if I have any new info.

maybe??

Got home around 7:30 tonight and after holding it in since around 3:30, dove for a $ store test. And there is the lightest of light lines. Lighter than this morning but definitely still something there...more than I've ever seen before. Mr H doesn't believe it....and I'm not sure I do either. Just ran over to S.afeway and spent $40 on real tests (thank God for the dollar tree huh??). Mr H does not believe in the el-cheap tests and also doesn't think the line is legit.

If I can eek out a little tonight, I'll use one of the First response I bought. If not, I'll do that and a digital tomorrow. And I'm just going to show up at the RE and ask for a beta. If this is legit, my spotting should probably be addressed.

Total mix of emotions right now....I'm going back and forth between feeling like I didn't 'earned' this, to "oh my f-ing god"

Thanks for all the good wishes

oh....and get this, Mr H is thinking of taking one himself so he can see what a negative looks like ;) Guess he's just as crazy as me!

Talk me down

I'm standing up on Evaporation Line Ledge and I'm ready to jump. F that, I've already jumped.

I got up at 5 this morning having to pee. Not wanting to waste that FMU I naturally POAS. It's what I do. As I did it I told myself I was being ridiculous and I needed to get over this bullshit and get my ass back to bed. So that's what I did.

Fast forward to 7:30 when I woke up for real. What's staring up at me? A fucking second line! That has NEVER happened ever. Any time I check later in the day I've never had an evap line (is it lame that I usually keep checking for the next 2-3 hrs? Oh well). I had just gone to the bathroom so I had nothing left to take another test. And now I'm at work and have a private client later on tonight. I won't be home to test again until after 8. At that point I may as well wait until tomorrow morning when it's more likely to be accurate. Now I know in my brain that this is most likely an evap line but I can't help but wonder. Mr H was no help, he's always a super realist. And not being the pee stick connoisseur that I am, he thought is was negative because it wasn't as dark as the control (btw, it was dark enough for me to see without my glasses...and I'm legally freaking blind) Evap lines aren't that dark, are they?

My nurse doesn't work on Thursday's and I don't want to call and set up an appointment for nothing. Although on the flip side, if it is nothing, that still doesn't explain why I O'd 2 weeks ago and have nothing but some brown spotting to show for it.

So please, I know I've already gone over the ledge and will be devastated tomorrow morning if I get a negative, but please, any stories of hope? Of this not being an evap line? I took a picture this morning but I was a little embarrassed that I used my wine glass (rinsed of course) from last night since I didn't have any more paper cups. I didn't realize it and by then didn't have time to take another pic. And I thought if this does all work, having the wine glass in the picture could make me a bad mom to be. AHhhhh.....why did I say that??? See I've gone over that ledge. I don't know how I'm going to make it through today.

If you read all this and still have any shed of respect left for me....thanks