My last week

This is my last week of leave. Crazy to think that the new year is here and I'm heading back to work. I know I shouldn't complain, I've had a 17 week leave but since I'm all about me right now I'm going to. On Friday I'm doing a test run, going in for a half day. I need to see what it'll take for me to be able to leave the house in the morning. And I think the half day will be good for Mr H. He seems to think that this is going to be a 6 week vacay for him. I'm just so sad that I won't be able to spend my days with her. She's just getting to be this sweet smiley little ball of love. And unfortunately she's turned into a bit of a momma's girl. There are many times when I've been the only one who can calm her down. That does not bode well for the next few weeks. I know she'll get over it and I'm not egotistical enough to think that I am in the only one who can care for her, but I am going to miss her like crazy. I really just like her, she's fun.

Although my sweet little lovebug seems to think that we are here for her constant amusement 24/7. She used to be the best sleeper at night, going down around 10, waking up to eat at 4, then back up around 7:30. Then about 2 weeks ago she started getting crazy fussy in the evening and I read that she probably needs an earlier bedtime. Well since we've done that she typically sleeps in 90 minute chunks and when we go in, she's all smiles and laughing. So starting yesterday there's no picking up and cuddling at night, just sticking the pacifier back in without eye contact. It feels so cruel but we all need to get some sleep!

Sweetness has had an exciting month. I took her down to Fl for my grandpa's 93rd birthday. She did AMAZING on the flight. I was nervous flying with her by myself but thankfully there are still nice, helpful people in the world. And to anyone who is flying soon, J.etblue has changing table in the bathrooms, apparently they are one of the few that do. I wasn't planning on changing her diaper on the short flight but Sweetness didn't read that memo. I think the whole plane wanted me to change that!

I hope everyone had a nice holiday. Mine was weird. On one hand, it was 1000 times better than last Christmas. Then I was praying that the IUI worked...and now I held the result in my arms throughout Christmas dinner. But my family still was incomplete. The holidays were so weird without my dad. Calling him on Christmas day to check in was just bizarre. And my mom has had just a horrible time. So guess the moral is something along the lines of the grass is always greener. I thought I would have everything I could possibly want but there was still a hole. (admittedly not as big as last year but a hole nonetheless)

Best wishes to everyone for 2009. I hope it brings you all the happiness in the world!

Save the toys

One of my favorite things is looking at homemade toys at craft fairs and once everything came out about the lead paint and the chemicals in so many plastic toys, I started buying them for my nieces. I was a little sad when I read this. While I totally support making toys safer, I had not thought of the un-intended consequences of these laws.

As an aside, what a great weekend! On Saturday, I baked for our annual TOOTPU cookie exchange, we decorated the tree, and made a nice dinner. Then Sunday was just fantastic! I had so much fun with all the DC blog ladies, catching up and meeting some of the new people there. Then I went over to my mom's and we decorated her tree and ate all of the cookies for dessert. The fam was quite impressed with everyone's cooking talents!

Jump start my...

heart...guess again. My car...nope, give up?? My uterus silly. Funny how it is still the topic of dinner conversations. Last weekend I mentioned my continued love of my RE since he called to congratulate us and see how things were going. My mom asked last week if having Sweetness "jumpstarted" everything so that we wouldn't need to go back if we wanted to have another child. (of course she did not say if we wanted to have another as she is already talking about Sweetness' little brother or sister but that is a story for a whole other post)

Back to my girly parts being discussed over beef stew. I've been going the education route more and more these days and talked about how we had unexplained infertility so there is no reason to think that anything would be different should we decide to have another biological child. Not to mention that the jumpstarting urban legend completely leaves out the fact that men play a role in the whole conception thing too. Me being pregnant did nothing to change Mr H's curly-q sperm. I don't think she really heard me but at least I said my peace. Which, for me, is a big change from last year. My tongue was permanently bleeding from biting it. Hopefully the more I challenge all the myths, they'll start to fall by the wayside. Wishful thinking I know but if a girl can't dream during the holidays...when can she??

Anyone out there?

I'm determined to get back into blogging, if there is anyone out there reading. I've been reading and following everyone and promise to get back to being a good commentor too.

To recap the last 3 months:


- breastfeeding--has gone from horrible to good to ok to ouch to not too bad to....It really is a rollercoaster and is NOTHING like what I thought. I pictured a warm light coming in the window as I smiled down at my peaceful little baby nursing. HA!! She still screams her way through her evening feedings. The neighbors probably think we're torturing her. We've been to the doctor and ruled out reflux and colic and all those things. She just doesn't want to eat between the hours of 5 and 10. But she's putting on the pounds so I'm not supposed to worry

- sleeping--not to jinx anything but the girl is practically a narcoleptic. Soooo lucky on that front. We're working on getting her into her own room since she's still in the pack n play in our room.

- me--where to even start. I've had a definite case of the baby blues. I had a really hard time in early November, thinking back to all of the crap going on last November. And then of course I felt guilty for being upset. Pretty much every day I check and see what was going on this time last year. It's crazy, I thought I had moved on from all of this crap but clearly I didn't. On top of that, my mom is having a horrible time right now with the holidays. All sorts of family crap is going on. And I'm in the middle of deciding if I should go back to work or not. Nothing is ever easy I guess.

gotta run---shortlived little nap

I am thankful

I promise some real posts coming soon.

Happy thanksgiving everyone!

bad kitty momma

I feel so horrible right now. On Tuesday morning our cleaning lady came and apparently she shut the door to the bathroom in the basement....the cat's bathroom. I hardly ever go down there, it's Mr H's domain and he is out of town all week. So this morning, at 6 am, I open the door to the nursery to feed Sweetness and the cat runs in, squats under the rocker, and does a massive poop. Of course I yell and hit him (great reaction huh) and only after that think to check the door. So now I feel horrible, poor thing has been holding it for 2 whole days. I knew he had been extra needy and bad Tuesday night and yesterday but I just ignored it. I just really hope this doesn't become a pattern...and I hate that he picked the babies room to do it. Only saving grace is that we had a carpet remnant under the rocker to protect the new carpet so I just picked it up and threw it out.

He still hasn't gone in and used his litterbox yet though...guess I should be on the look out for pee somewhere too...

a nothing post

I've logged in almost every day to post but once I get to this blank screen, I don't know what I want to say. Do I write one of those sappy posts about how amazing it is to finally have our little girl? Or do I annoyingly write about how freaking hard a newborn is? No one wants to hear any of that crap...and frankly I don't really want to write it. And I don't really want this to become a blog only about Sweetness.

So instead I'll write about something I am all too familiar writing about...doctor's appointments! I have my 6 week post partum on Thursday. I'm not really looking forward to yet another cervix check. And I know I'm going to have to fight him on the whole birth control thing but I figure since I was off the pill for 2.5 years and all I ever managed were two chemical pregnancies, there's no real point in wasting the money. I do plan on asking him more about testing for the breast cancer gene. I posted awhile back that my aunt tested positive for both BRCA1 and 2. I still don't know if I want to get tested but at least I'm now at the point where I can start gathering some information. I think getting tested would be the responsible thing to do, especially if we decide to go through fertility treatments again, but being responsible is no fun. It is much more my style to put my head in the sand and let my indecision make my decisions. I am SOOO good at that.

So this is my nothing post. I'm still trying to read everybody but don't always have the time (or a free hand) to comment, but I'm always thinking of everyone!!!

that ugly green monster

no...I'm not talking about the r.ed s.ox here people

At my shower in mid-august my cousin mentioned having her last hurrah before trying to get pregnant with #2. Well she just IM'ed me and of course, she's 8 weeks along. I shouldn't care. Not only do I have my Sweetness but my cousin and I are super close and she was so supportive of me during all of our infertility crap. In fact, she found out right when Sweetness was born and didn't tell anyone right away so we could have our time. Which is beyond sweet. But still, I just hate that is comes so easy for some people....

can't think of a good title...

Yikes, nothing like breastfeeding questions to bring out the commentors!!

Let me clear my poor LC's good name, she is not the one obsessed with time, etc, I am. In fact, she keeps telling me now that my milk supply is good, to just trust my body and trust the baby. Well, you all know that I have a VERY hard time trusting my body and I'm also a little nervous about trusting someone that poops her pants about 6 times a day. That doesn't inspire trust. And I'm obsessive by my very nature. I obsess over minutia for a living...seriously, I break complex behaviors down into their itty bitty components and collect data on those itty bitty things. And then I analyze and graph and do all sorts of fun stuff with it. So me collecting data right now on her time on breast, if she cues, and her pee and poop is nothing. There is so much more I'd like to measure (like duration of sucking but I don't have a free hand to work the timer, and I am SO not kidding)

But I am starting to relax about it all. When she's hungry the girl most certainly eats, and when she isn't, she doesn't. The fact that she is starting to visibly gain weight and has grown out of her first set of PJ's does make me feel a little bit better. So I'm working on the whole trust thing. But right now, there is no way I could stop with my data, no matter how many people tell me I'm being crazy, it makes me feel like I have some semblance of control and am doing something proactive to make sure she's eating and staying healthy.

In other news, my dad is coming to stay with us for the weekend. Cue family drama. You may remember he left my mom in June and moved 8 hours away...and no one really knows why he made the move. He's since lost his job so he's now completely alone with nothing to do. For a man with a history of depression as well as a history of self-medicating that depression, that is not a good thing. He says he's finally going to do something that makes him happy, instead of some corporate job. Only problem is, hiking and drinking wine seems to make him happiest. And he could open a hiking and wine store but that would be a pretty niche market...not sure how well it would do. So, he's flying down for the weekend to see the baby, my mom got all upset that she won't be able to see her this weekend (for the record, my mom lives under 10 minutes away and has come over on her lunch break to see Sweetness), my brother is pissed because my dad picked the only weekend all fall that he has to work...and Mr H and I don't really know what to do with him. The whole thing is going to be so incredibly awkward. Luckily, we have a bunch of things around the house that Mr H needs help with. So that will at least give him something to do. And...in a few weeks, he wants to come down and stay for the entire week to help me out. So this is really just a dress rehearsal. uggg...

Now I have to go vacuum for him, you see, the man is also very allergic to cats and never wants to take any allergy medicine when he comes over. uggg again...

hmmm...as I re-read this, writing about my neuroses and then my dad's makes my whole family seem kind of f-ed up...guess the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree...hopefully Sweetness will be spared

I'm a liar

I have no groove whatsoever. Friday night was probably her worst ever. We could not put her down or she'd scream bloody murder. Being the bad mom that I am, I did not read in the baby book until saturday afternoon that between 2-3 weeks is a growth spurt and she's going to want to eat more often. So last night we picked up the feedings and she did a little bit better. But me, I've got no groove, who the hell am I kidding??

I have turned back into my OCD self and am completely over-analyzing every single feeding. It's just what I do...and its a whole new world for me to google. The LC says we should be doing 10 a side at each feeding, all of the books say a full feeding is at least 15 minutes (one says 15 a side, no way she'd ever do that). She typically does a 10 and then 2-3 minutes on the other one. So of course now I obsess that she isn't eating enough. I'm going to give the LC a call in a little bit....this is why people should never give me their home phone number ;) We're going in for a weight check tomorrow so that will put my mind at ease for a little bit. I tried to convince Mr H to let me buy a scale but no luck...aside from the fact that it is an outrageous idea, I would get even more obsessed.

Ok--still trying to finish the thank you notes from my shower that was now a full 4 weeks ago...see I have NO groove

Getting into my groove

Before I start talking about myself, please go send some congrats over to my cautiously optimistic friend Bean. I am beyond excited for her!

Now onto me...we're slowly settling into a routine here. We got most of our feeding issues taken care of last week and she's now happily packing on the pounds. Of course it took a little help from 2 of my local ladies and a bit of intervention from a lactation consultant but since Sunday we have been exclusively breast feeding! And I'm trying to relax a little bit about the whole thing. I had been really tied to what all the books say is a full feeding (15 per side) but she has never once done that. She's not a snacker though so I'm trying not to be too concerned. And she'll give us 4 hours at night which I think is awesome. Mr H goes back to work on Monday so we'll see if I still feel as optimistic when I'm completely on my own!

In exciting news, I am down 23 pounds...only 3 more to go to hit my pre-pregnancy weight! And since I think each boob has to weigh in at least a pound or more, I'm doing pretty good. Even though the weight is gone though, there's still quite the belly. Not sure how to get rid of that though since too many trips up the stairs still leaves me sore. Of course, I then have about 25-30 'eating my emotion' pounds to lose and I doubt those will fall off as quickly. I did just promise Mr H that I wouldn't aim for the full 30--that was me at my skinniest and it was really hard to maintain. I was watching ever single thing I put into my mouth and at the gym 5-6 times a week. At this point, I don't want to be on that restricted a diet (I would only allow myself a glass of wine on the weekends, and by 'a' I do mean 1...what kind of life is that?!?!) and I know it's not realistic to think I'll be able to work out that much anymore.

Ok...here's my lame thing that I need advice on--and it's pretty lame. And not really advice, maybe just someone telling me that I'm not completely crazy. My sharps container. After we got our positive, Mr H wanted me to bring it into the RE at my first ultrasound. I said no way, that could be jinxing things, that we could go in and there would be nothing. Then he wanted me to bring it into the 2nd ultrasound and again I was too superstitious. I promised that if we made it out of the first trimester I would just drop it off at the RE one weekend morning. But I was never able too...and then I got too pregnant looking to be walking into an RE office on a Saturday morning. So it is still sitting in my kitchen cabinet. Part of me almost likes it there. And when people are over and looking for the corkscrew or bottle opener and I tell them where it is, I like that they see it as a reminder (yes, it was handily next to the bottle opener). But at this point, I know it is time to get rid of it. Even if we decide to get back on this crazy rollercoaster and try for a second, it wouldn't be for at least 2 years or so. But now if I were to bring it back to the RE's, I'd be doing it with a baby in tow--which is just as insensitive as going in with a belly. I wonder if the pediatrician's office could take it or something....or maybe my OB at my check up next month. hmmm....probably should have dropped it off there all along.

My quick little check in is taking so long...coming up next time...out of the mouth's of men!

quick question

Is it normal for all my stiches to hurt worse and be more uncomfortable now than they were after delivery? TMI but it feels like I've got a tampon in wrong or something...

thanks!

The hospital

I'm using this as my little journal. I wasn't even going to post it, just keep it for myself but then I didn't know if any of the info would help anyone else so here it is. Please feel no obligation to read my ramblings.

The nurses!! Aside from all of them commenting that I was just made to have babies and need to keep at it, they were amazing. They listened to me about my needs. Since I was so far along when I got there, I never had any time to get off the monitors, but they did offer at one point; too bad that was when the doc walked in and I was at 10 and it was time to break my water and start the pushing. I only had one nurse, over at the maternity side of it, who wasn't super impressive. And while I'm sure she was good, everyone else just went so far above and beyond my expectations, she ranked a little low.

So much of her actual delivery is a blur to me I need to get it out while I still have a chance of remembering. Such an amazing experience. Overall, I am just so glad I picked a great doc that I trusted. He was so calming in the room, and his personality combined with knowing what he was doing kept me calm and comfortable. Even though the delivery ended up requiring more interventions than either of us wanted (one of the reasons I selected him (aside from the glowing recommendation from my RE that I absolutely loved) was that he rarely used vacuum, forceps, or does an episiotomy), I completely trust that it was the right thing to do to get Sweetness here. Her heart rate was becoming more variable throughout the monster contractions and she needed to get the heck out of there. Plus, after 2+ hours of pushing, I was really fading. What I love the most is that before I actually needed the vacuum, he prepped and talked to me about it as a possibility during one of the loooong pauses I had between contractions, so I was able to process it. It wasn't suggested at the height of the pain or when there was no other alternative. I just love docs that actually listen to you. As for the episiotomy, I was tearing too unevenly and at that point her heart rate was getting into more trouble. No real prep time for that but I didn't really care--I wanted the kiddo OUT!

Mr H. did get to cut the cord and she was immediately put onto my stomach. She didn't get to stay there as long as I would have liked but given all of the heart issues and her general blue-purple hue, they needed to take her over to the warmers. I fortunately had no problems delivering the placenta and tried to donate the cord blood to the public bank but the sample wasn't large enough. And because of my super contractions, my uterus was ahead of the game and shrinking super fast so I got spared the p.ictocin that most people get automatically to deliver the placenta and after labor. I had no idea that was a typical intervention and I was glad my doc told the nurses to hold off because he thought I wouldn't need it. Sweetness was back in just a few, tried to nurse but all she wanted to do was sleep (she was that way for the first 36 hours or so--she's still a super sleepy baby).

Friday night we had a little scare. They came in to check both our vitals around 8:30 and the nurse said she couldn't really hear well with all the commotion in the hall (the people must have thought that were at a frat party or something for the weekend). About 1/2 hr later one of the assistants popped in and said that were just listening to her heart. I took that to mean that the nursery had gotten busy and she'd be back in a few. 15 minutes later, I sent Mr H down to check on things. 10 minutes later I called him. Her heart rate was again really variable, dipping down into the low 80's (should be 120-ish), sometimes jumping into the 140-160 range and occasionally skipping a beat. But that I shouldn't worry....men....they just don't get it. So I bawled and wailed for about a minute, then shuffled my way down to the nursery where the sight of my little girl hooked up to all those monitors with them beeping and 3 nurses standing over her put me over the edge. They had called into the NICU and the doctor was on his way down. I seriously have no idea how all of the NICU mommies manage it. I was a wreck. They brought me a nice comfy chair and I just sat next to her, talking to her with tears streaming down my cheeks. What scared me was that they closed the blinds and stopped letting other parents in. Now I get that it was to respect our privacy but I at the time I was just so sure it meant that something horrible was about to happen. The charge nurse kept telling me that babies get murmurs and arrhythmias all the time and she'd be fine--that since all of her other vital checks had been fine, they probably just caught a little fluke and now wanted to follow through with it. The NICU doc took that I thought to be an insanely long time to get there but it probably wasn't. And just like when you take your car to the mechanic, her heart rate was stable and fine while he was there. He did listen to everything for a long time and did what seemed to me to be a very thorough assessment. Ended up saying that she has a good little ticker and didn't think she needed any other tests or assessment. We decided that since she was spending her nights in the nursery regardless (they were just bringing her to me every 3 hours to feed), they'd hook her up to the monitor every hour or so to double check. She was fine the rest of the night and the pediatrician gave her a full work up that morning before discharging her so all is well but dear god--I don't ever want to feel fear like that ever again. But again, our nurse and the charge nurse were amazing. They tried to calm me (nothing short of a horse tranquilizer would have though) and took great care of Sweetness. They kept saying they probably just caught a little blip that everyone has occasionally. Despite the fear, I am so glad they followed up on it and called in the doctor.

The only negative about the hospital was that I let one nurse talk me into briefly giving her a pacifier. The girl likes to suck for sure and was using me as one...causing a ton of nasty bleeding but her feedings took a big nose dive after the paci. I knew I didn't want one but I let her convince me that it wouldn't mess anything up. And she sure did like it. But it's gone for now...maybe once we get this whole breastfeeding thing a little more established or something I'll bring it back for her. And it will be easier to fade out then all the sucking she does on her little fingers.

I know there is more I want to remember but I just can't recall it now. I did manage to put on my big girl panties and tell both my parents (in the middle of a divorce) that I did not care how they managed their time at the hospital but that I had waited FAR too long for this moment and if at any point either of them were taking away from my happiness, they'd both be kicked out of the room. I did feel like crap for saying it (my mom is so sensitive right now). But they managed it so neither was there at the same time. It did make me sad that my dad wasn't there right away (he moved back North). I have (had) a very close family and I always imagined everyone there after the birth, me showing off my little baby, etc. My dad was really sad too. He just cried the whole time he was at the hospital, especially when I had mentioned that my brother and his wife brought in food for all of us and how we just hung out all night.

Don't want to go into that all right now, much more family drama on the horizon that thankfully my dad did not mention the weekend she was born (so he did listen to my rules I guess)

anyway, if you read this, you are a true friend ;)

One week old!

I can NOT believe it has been one week already today. I still feel like I'm playing house and babysitting. Or maybe I got a guest spot on that baby traders show or whatever it was. Sweetness and I are doing pretty good, with MAJOR thanks to this lady here, feedings are going 1000x better. And today I actually feel like I could do this.

Here's a little pic of the two of us this morning. Not the best picture of her, but it is the only one where I looked halfway decent so it'll have to do for now. Today marked the first day I put real clothes on. And by real clothes I mean maternity. Is it sad I was excited that my maternity pants fit comfortably again?? The last few days I've felt like such a milk maid all I've done is wear a robe. I was pumping or feeding every 2 hours, no real point in getting dressed then.

I'm working on a bunch of different posts, things I want to remember, our stay (and scare) in the hospital. Someday I'll have them all up. Let me just say one thing though--and I have a feeling I already wrote it down somewhere but the WORST thing about going into the hospital with a fairly easy labor is that every single nurse, from triage on down the line, had to comment about how I was just made to have babies, how many did I have, how soon would I be pregnant again, etc. Drove me crazy. And this is even after they mentioned that my chart said it was an assisted pregnancy--some people just don't get it, huh?

Thank you for all the good thoughts, throughout this whole process.

The sweetness is here!

This will have to be quick, since I'm losing precious sleeping minutes right now.

Short version: Labor itself--pretty much a breeze, delivery--not so much, breastfeeding--ouch!

Had my first contraction at 12:45 Wednesday night and apparently they were quite real! I woke Mr H up right after posting on here (is it bad that you all knew I might be in labor before my husband did???) around 3:45. He was amazing through it all though, I'm so impressed with him. Around 5:45 I called the drs office, contractions were super variable, sometimes coming as close as 2 minutes apart, other times 8-10 and lasting anywhere from 20 seconds to 2 minutes. He said since I live right between his office and the hospital, why don't I swing by right before the office opens, he'll check me out and save me a trip and getting sent home if I'm not far enough along. And then of course he ends with, if it gets worse, feel free to go to the hospital. Well little before 7 I decided to go. Things were still super variable timing wise, but they were just getting SO intense I was having a hard time breathing through them. When I wasn't contracting, I was fine though. So I was figuring I'd get sent home.

Arrive at triage, they call doc to tell them I came in, doc asks them to check me. Apparently I'm at 8 cm already. No one believes that I could possibly be at 8 and still be joking and carrying on conversations aside from the contractions so all 3 triage nurses end up checking me (lovely, right). They all agree, I'm at 8. They admit me, doc is on his way, and I put in my immediate request for the epidural. Doc gets there in a little bit, I'm already at 9. Says he's going to change real quick and we'll be pushing in a few. Anesthesiologist gets there, asks if I can staystill. I was still fine outside of the contractions so we went with it---most amazing thing EVER!!! And I love that he set it low enough that I could still recognize when they were coming, very helpful for the pushing part. Doc comes back, breaks my water, and we started pushing at 9:04. He was VERY glad I did not wait to go into the office ;)

Pushing sucked--my family has pretty big head's and this kiddo is no exception. What also sucked was that for some reason I was having crazy long contractions (2+ minutes and he said usually they are about 30 seconds) followed by a 5 minute break or so. So I would end up doing 2 sets of pushes per contraction. And then we'd chat about vacation destinations in between...a little surreal. Two hours later Thursday morning at 38 weeks 5 days, with the help of the vacuum, (her heart rate was going way too low since the contractions were so long), The Sweetness arrived! 6 pounds, 15 ounces, 19 1/2 inches of sweetness ;)

She is beautiful and amazing and I pretty much cry every time I look at her. Breastfeeding went amazing at the hospital--not so much at home. Tomorrow we have a pediatrician appt (she's not really eating at all plus she's developed a bad rash on her back) and I am scheduling a visit with the lactation consultant. I've decided that I just can't nurse at all out of one side--it is way too painful and they said that once it starts to bleed, that'll just give her an upset stomach.

Anyway, just wanted to update. Thanks for all the good wishes the last few days. Aside from the expected craziness, since she was early and I was REALLY planning on having this weekend to do some hard core nesting, we weren't as ready as we wanted to be. But it'll all work out. Now, fingers crossed, she's still asleep upstairs and I can catch a few zzz's.

ow

Had a bit of an emotional night, ended up sobbing to Mr H for about an hour and I'm still not sure why. Then, around 12:30, I woke up with a major OW! People always say you'll just know when it's a real contraction and I didn't quite believe them but now I know. Been up ever since, in the last hour they're ranging from every 20 minutes to every 5, no real pattern just yet. And always less than about 20 seconds. So I'm guessing I'll get to meet this little girl in the next day or so....absolutely crazy. Of course, an hour ago I was crying again that the new memory card for the new camera isn't in yet.

Oh...and I have completely re-thought my approach to pain meds. I wanted to do as much as I could without the epi and get it only at the end. HA! Breathing my ass, please inject something directly into my spine as soon as possible ;)

And after posting this for you all to see, this better not be a false alarm...

An eruption

I thought having made it to 38 weeks 4 days meant I was safe...safe from stretch marks across the belly. Now I had a few on each hip, but I had them already from the 6th grade...the horrible year I grew 11 inches. They have grown more, but I didn't care too much about those. Apparently one is never safe. In the middle of the day, when I went to the bathroom, I noticed that a sea of stretch marks seems to have erupted from my belly button. Seriously, one of those volcano people (magmaologists maybe??) could probably study the way they flow out in circles around it. Oh well, I will happily trade in my bikini wearing days.

In other news, I think tomorrow is my last day of work!! I was already planning on coming in late on Friday for a doctor's appointment and at this point it isn't worth the crazy long drive. Being in the car is probably the single most intolerable thing right now (which I recognize means that I am currently living a very blessed life). Part of me is super excited and the other part (the part that has been working her big ol butt off developing all these new fun training series and systems) is a little sad that someone else is going to be implementing it all. I want to do it! Plus, I'm a little worried that I'll be bored next week. Now I will enjoy napping whenever the mood strikes me and I know there are things I could do around the house, but I know that I am inherently lazy and I won't do any of them. I will sit in bed, knit, and watch daytime TV. Hmmmm...once again, a blessed life!

Speaking of blessed life, I am beyond happy that my uncle (I definitely consider him a second father) found out that he does not need lung surgery to remove some nodes they found. They had been debating taking half his lung but now say they can remove just the nodes in a day patient procedure. I am SO glad he's going to be ok!

Oh...and I did take some pictures of the pretty much almost done nursery (still stalking c.raigslist for a glider) but the camera is still upstairs, the computer on my lap here...you see the problem don't you. Promise they will get done, next week at the latest!

Oh...there's always one more thing....thank you all for the good wishes lately!! You are all part of the whole blessed life thing ;)

little update

I got kind of sad last night realizing that I never kept a journal of anything of this pregnancy. I was too scared that it wouldn't work out. Now I wish I knew when Mr H first felt her kick or when you could first see the nightly earthquakes she produces through my belly. So here's my lame ass attempt at chronicling the next 2 (or 3 weeks I guess).

Had my first internal where my hopes were up yesterday. I did get one at 29 weeks when I was experiencing pretty intense braxton hicks, but then I wanted to hear that nothing was going on. Yesterday I really wanted to have a good reason for constantly feeling like someone was thrusting a knife into my who-ha and twisting it around for sport. I wake up each morning feeling like I've been in a gang bang or something. But nope, only 50% effaced and fingertip dilated. And I think the only reason he said fingertip is that he thought I might cry. He did end the appointment telling me that he was doc on call for the long weekend and that someone has to be the lucky one that goes early....but I'm not counting on it.

Which is a good thing, since my mom is coming over on Monday to cook and freeze things with me. We're making meatballs (my grandpa is the reason I am a meatball snob, he made the best meatballs ever and it is the only recipe I have that I will not sure, I will only eat homemade, everything else is crap), probably a few kinds of sauce, and maybe soup or something. That means the project for the next 2 days is to eat everything else that is in the freezer...and there's a lot of yummy ice creams!!! Sure is hard being me, huh!?!?

Hope everyone has a wonderful 3 day weekend!! My brother and wife got a new puppy yesterday so we're headed over there in a few. So excited to play with him!

it's baaacck

morning sickness. Completely sucks. Since last Saturday I've been sick each morning. Doc says just to make sure I don't get too dehydrated. It was reassuring in the beginning, now it is just annoying. It is hard to puke or dry heave with a this basketball in the way.

But enough complaining. Pretty much all is done now. We'll be installing the car seat tomorrow night and getting it checked thursday or saturday. Nursery is pretty much good except for little finishing touches. But we've got all the necessities if she should decide to make an early appearance. The braxton hicks have picked up in intensity and twice in the middle of the night I think I had a real one. She's definitely dropped because I can breathe again, just can't walk or drink more than a few ounces of water.

That's all the news. School started yesterday so my butt is officially kicked. I'm exhausted. Heading to bed nice and early tonight.

and yes, I promise pictures soon

Contents of my grocery cart

I should have taken a picture. In my basket were: breast pads, maxi pads, and....B.en and Jerr.y's chocolate fudge brownie. Yum! I went with the self-scan for checkout. I did not need some cashier discussing me in the break room later on.

Thanks for all your sweet comments. Nice to know that my shopping trip last week paid off! I love that shirt I was wearing. Going to have to find a few more times to fit it in.

The shower was beautiful. My sis-in-law, cousin, and college friend threw it and they did an amazing job! And we got so much stuff! Everyone was so amazingly generous. It was wonderful to have so many people I love there celebrating little Q.

Speaking of stuff, my friend also filled her car with all of her leftover "necessities" she is giving to us. Generous yes but she has a very liberal version of necessity. I mentioned that we were going the minimalist route, not only because we don't have a ton of space but also because I feel very strongly that an infant does not need cashmere, or a bouncy seat with an ip.od hook-up, etc, etc. I also told her some things we already had that other people had given us. Her necessities included 2 bouncy seats (told her we already had one for our house and one for my mom), a swing (told her we didn't have room), a travel swing (really???), dry clean only baby clothes (what??) and some other ridiculous things. And in case you were wondering, she lives in a very wealthy Connecticut suburb. Makes sense now, right?

The day after the shower my cousin, who is a photojournalist but does other photography on the side, took some maternity pictures. I was against the idea of them at first but realized that I want some memory of this. And I would have not been comfortable being bare-bellied in front of anyone else. They came out amazing, still not sure if I'll have the guts to post any other them or not though. If any of you FL ladies (she lives around T.ampa) are interested, she really is fantastic.

Saturday is a big milestone....full term, 37 weeks! I've been making a conscious effort to enjoy the last few weeks. I'm afraid I'm going to resent the fact that I was so scared in the beginning and kept rushing it along. I'm also afraid that she's going to come before we're ready! I still haven't packed a bag, haven't finished buying everything, our to do list is VERY long. So long that I broke it down into deadlines. Things that have to be done before she comes and things that can wait. Because otherwise it was way too overwhelming.

Had my 37 week appt today. Was negative for the group B strep, for some reason this test didn't even bother me and was probably the only thing I didn't worry about this entire time. I'm at the point that I just want her to come out healthy, if that meant I had to be on antibiotics beforehand, so be it. Only thing that upset me at the appointment was that on the scale, they almost had to move the big one on the bottom over a notch. Mr H so did not get why this made me upset and gave me the whole, it's the baby, you'll lose the weight speech. Rationally, I get all that, but there is something about jumping into that next category that upsets me. Also because I don't only have the pregnancy weight to lose (26 lbs so far) but also the 30 infertility pounds. Those are really the kicker! So of course, since I'm bummed about the numbers on the scale, what do I do....go to the store to buy boob pads and ice cream!!! Very good choice, right??

exhausted

Had a fantastic weekend with family and friends. Promise to post more later but am slowly going through all of this stuff. It looks like a baby store threw up all over our house.

Here's one pic from the party that passed my inspection ;)

Yes, I am large and in charge! (and sitting with really bad posture, no wonder my back hurts all the time)

oops

Sorry it's been almost 2 weeks since my last update. And thanks to those who checked in. Nothing is going on...just the normal, still working 2 jobs and being crazy swollen and tired. I have been uber productive at work the last two weeks (I think that is where all of my nesting energy has been going) and am training in my replacement at my other job so by the time I get home, all I do is shove something in my face that I hope doesn't give me heartburn and lay down.

Had my 36 week appointment today. I can not believe we're down to 4 weeks left! Everything's still looking good. Even though I'm swollen beyond believe (it actually hurts to walk by the end of the day), doc said there's nothing to worry about. The Braxton hicks are picking up in intensity but again, they say that's normal. And to drink more...but I'm already at about 100 ounces per day, and I refuse to make any more bathroom trips than that.

My shower is tomorrow, really excited for that. Mostly just because I want to have everything set up, organized, and ready to go. And then a work shower next Friday. That's usually a nice big gift card, which will be good to get anything else we need. Then I guess it's hurry up and wait...

boring and don't know anything

First off, I can not access both blogger and b.logspot at work again so I again have procrastination tools. It was a rough few days for a while there.

Had another boring OB appointment on Friday. I do like boring appointments but sometimes I wonder what the point is. This time I had a list of questions, even though I knew every symptom I have is normal, I just wanted to take up a little of his time. Even with all my questions, I'd say the appointment was under 5 minutes. But I definitely don't want drama...no drama at all. I did ask if I'd ever get another ultrasound and he the answer was no. Little bummed about that. I'd love to sneak a peak, I'm so curious what she looks like!

Still pretty much in denial about everything that needs to get done. Apparently I should have a bag packed, diapers bought, clothes washed, and all that stuff...but I don't. I still can't fathom bringing home a real life baby in 6 weeks.

Thought alot about the whole birth plan thing. Found some crazy ones (one person specified what playlist she wanted at certain points in the labor...how insane is that!!!). I decided that all I care about is a healthy baby and however that needs to happen I'm fine with. Conception certainly wasn't what I thought it would be and I got over that (well, sort of). I just don't want to go in with any expectations. And, I never went to med school, so really, who the hell am I to make demands about any of this? Apparently I don't even know how to get myself knocked up...why on earth would I think I knew anything about delivering a baby!?!?

Not a very interesting post, sorry...it's all about how I'm boring and don't know anything...lovely right??

What a year

Wow is all I can say. I remember how scared I was writing my first post last year, on the eve of my HSG. While I said originally that all I wanted to do was have a journal for myself, I was still terribly scared about mean comments and just generally being out there for the whole world to see. I felt incredibly alone, entering a world that I did not know. Almost like being in a completely foreign country without a guidebook, not knowing the language, customs, or what to do. I remember going to my first TOOTPU gathering and leaving there saying, "wow, they were all normal" And realizing that made me normal too. So instead of being alone and scared, I stumbled upon an amazingly strong group of women, without whom I would not have a shred of sanity left. I have been so fortunate to form some wonderful friendships, both IRL and in my laptop. So thanks to all of you.

And now for my pseudo-devastating news of the day....blogger has been blocked at my work. I can no longer click through to read anyone's blogs during the day. How am I going to take my mental health breaks during the day?? Or congratulate someone when they get their second line or their match? Or hug them when it doesn't work out? Totally sucks.

I'm not in half as snarly a mood as I was yesterday so this will be a much more even kneeled post, with far less four letter words. Went for another walk today, that's 3 times in 3 days! Go me! And tomorrow is the last day of summer session at school. Which means that even though I still have to go to work on Monday, there will be no students there and only about 1/4 of the staff. Much more peaceful. And I can flex my time a little so I can sleep in (yeah!)

Dr's appt tomorrow morning, here's hoping I didn't put on another 7 pounds in 14 days like last time! I did spend some quality time with my guys Ben and J.erry earlier in the week. They are just such good friends to me!

Thanks again to all of you who listen...I hope you know just how much it is appreciated

My 18 year old self mocks me-and other random thoughts

Lots of little things today

- First, I just realized that tomorrow is my blogversary! Wow--I thought I had missed it. I find it impossible to even think about how I functioned without all of you!

- Back in high school I worked at the mall (yeah C.laire's) and in the summers I used to watch the 50 year old women and pregnant ladies walk the mall each morning and night. And boy did I judge them. I would never get out of their way and always thought that if they really wanted to exercise they should get out into the world. I may have muttered that on occasion. Well last night I met my mom for dinner at the super big mall near us. The restaurant was at one end. After dinner, she had an errand to run at the complete other end and asked if I wanted to come along. When we reached the store all completely out of breathe (well just me, she was fine) I realized this was SOOOO much better than dragging my butt back out after getting home and walking in the still 90 degree heat. And then on my way home today I did it again. It felt good to check off 35-45 minutes of walking before getting home today. Who have I become?

- According to other well-meaning ladies, I managed to be a horrible mother twice in the span of 20 minutes, and of course this is all before the kid is even born. First, while getting gas, some random older woman came up and told me that under no circumstances should I be pumping my own gas because didn't I know the fumes would be bad for the baby. WTF and mind your own f-ing business. The fumes obviously did something to your brain you batty old lune. How on earth would it possible for someone to go 9 months without pumping gas??? And then in the check-out line at the grocery store this perfect 25 year old mother a 2 year old and an infant looked in my cart and said, " Yeah, when I was pregnant, I tried really hard to eat all natural and organic foods. And I think my kids are better for it". STFU--I highly doubt the kid will come out orange because I had the nerve to eat some mac and cheese. You know, the good powdered kind, full of all sorts of nasty chemicals. So yeah, I'm going to be a horrible parent, but at least I won't be a know it all ass (damn, I totally should have said that)

- While at the mall I noticed two women. One was also pregnant and had the perfect body and was wearing the shortest short shorts. I can't they make maternity shorts that short. Seriously, she looked better in them than I ever would when 8 months pregnant. So I hate her. And then a little public service announcement to a different short short wearing young 20-something. If one is going to wear shorts that have less coverage than some underwear, please take care of your personal hygiene. One should consider a good thorough wax. Disgusting

- Mr H has been out of town all week for work. I never sleep as good when I'm by myself and you can see this turns me into a pretty snarky bitch. Worst part is that they are staying at this amazing golf and spa resort. He called me after work on his way to the pool to sit in the lazy river. I wanted to kill him.

Think that is enough random thoughts for now. I had other things spilling through my head all day but most of them got kicked out by my super annoying gas and grocery outing. Oh--and thanks for agreeing that those undies were defective. Mr H said I should return them---like I would really waddle my big ol ass into a store and say that these ripped on me and I want my money back. That is only good for a hazing ritual or something, no way I would ever do that!

You know you're a heifer when...

....you go to the bathroom and your underwear breaks. The string on it just snapped. And this was underwear I bought last week in a size larger than I usually wear. Must have been defective, right?? Tied it back together since I am no longer in a position to go commando. Came back into my office to cry into my o.reos

2 worlds (or me and the Venn diagrams)

So lately I've felt like I'm circling two different worlds, not really a member of either one but also not having a place to identify with. Like one of those funky Venn diagrams from 8 grade. You know, you've got Circle A and Circle B and a the little place they overall is A and B....but I'm an R or something crazy off to the side. I'd like to be an A and B in that small cozy little spot in the middle, surrounded on all sides by the amazing people of both circles, but it just doesn't work that way.

Here's my case in point...and I admit in advance that it is a kind of lame example. I've mentioned before that I love f.lair on f.acebook. Well on the same day last week this beautiful lady sent me some f.lair all about how annoying fertility advice is. We all agree, it most certainly is. You ladies are all my A circle. You are were I am most comfortable. However, everyone not in this circle seems to think that I ran like a bat out of hell away from Circle A and never looked back...that I've been 'cured' or something. Later on that same day my dear cousin (who is one of the very few IRL people who knows every gory detail of our trek to get pregnant) sent me some cute pregnant f.lair about creating people. How fun would it be to be a part of Circle B?? Just to be pregnant, taking it all for granted, complaining with everyone else, making conception jokes (this is a post for later in the week, I just lifted my baby shower ban, thinking I could pretend to be in Circle B but I soooo can not). Circle B was what I wanted all along...but I can't fully join and, even more to the point, when I try to join, those Pure Circle B's don't really want me. I scare them I think. Especially when they already ask when we'll be trying for a sibling (seriously, can't I get this one out first) and I say that we aren't sure if we'll go through all the rigamaroll again and that we're just focused on this amazing blessing. I don't think they like the reminder that you can be young and still have infertility...that it could be them next time.

So that leaves me with either being the A+B in the middle....or that R floating somewhere in the corner. A+B is tricky business, I haven't been able to find a good way to navigate that circle. And I didn't put up either of those pieces of flair, because I can't figure it out. But being an R....well being an R just sucks. It's lonely. And I know this is my issue. All of my lovely A ladies do not make me feel excluded, I do that to myself.

Not sure where all this leaves me...just had to dump a bit. Thanks for reading (and thanks for the diaper bag advice earlier....only problem with those discount sites is that I want more than 1). Oh and I did take pictures of the crib and dresser (and I did cry as they carried them upstairs) and I'll post them as soon as I upload everything.

home

I'm homing taking a sick day today. Am I really sick enough to be skipping work? I'm not sure. There's strep throat and some nasty colds going around the school right now and I was all sniffly and post-nasaly yesterday (lovely image right) and woke up this morning feeling like crap. So I decided to go back to sleep. Even if I'm not technically sick, a day of rest is certainly going to go a long way in making me feel better faster. Problem was, I really wanted to save up my leave. We get hardly any. Starting each July, we get 11 days, plus anything that we carried over from last year. 11 days doesn't get you to far when you're doing IF treatments so I think I only carried over 1. So that means of my maternity leave, I will have 11 paid days, out of 12 weeks. Yikes.

Thank you all for the support on my last post. I ended up having a pretty ok day. Since we were getting new carpets installed and I wanted to be out of the house and my mom is still in need of pretty constant distractions, she decided to take me to buy the stroller we wanted. We hiked up to this place others had recommended, Gr.eat Beginnings. Fantastic baby store...so much better and nicer than any of the others. It ended up being a really fun day. We got the stroller and even though we weren't registered there, I was able to show my mom everything that we did register for.

While we are on the topic of registering, can we discuss diaper bags? And why on earth so many of them are in the hundred dollar range (or more)? I just can not justify spending 150 on a bag that it literally going to be a shit carrier. I will be putting poopy clothes, diapers, etc in it. Now I like bags as much as the next girl but is it to much to ask for a basic diaper bag around 50 bucks that is fashionable and can be washed? I don't want to carry W.innie the P.ooh around or anything, but I also don't want something that is dry clean only. I guess I don't understand the designer moms or that kind of thing.

Things are moving along here. We got our new carpet installed last weekend. When the guy came to measure, he said we still had the original carpet from 1978 and even then, it was builder grade, not upgraded at all. You would not believe what a difference it makes. We went with the cheapest, figuring that alone would be a fantastic improvement (and it is) and I'm really hoping that the market will turn just enough that we'll be able to sell and still afford a single family home in the next 2 years. Listening to my neighbors pee on either side of me is getting a little old.

Crib and dresser get delivered tomorrow. Part of me can't wait and the other is in complete disbelief. I honestly never thought we'd make it this far. I walk into 'that' room now each day and even though the only thing in there is an ironing board, I still cry. I am finally starting to think that there will be a baby here at some point soon. In fact, right now, I can't think past September. I really want to treasure every second that is left, since I rushed through the beginning with so much fear and detachment. I'm trying to be realistic and recognize that, most likely, I will not get this experience again. I don't know if we will have the finances to do it or if I want to get back on the rollercoaster again. So the next 7 weeks are it.

7 weeks...crazy

I shouldn't be sad today

I shouldn't be sad and I shouldn't be sitting here thinking about what could have been. This week would have been the due date for my little November angel. I only knew I was pregnant for 5 short days but, at the time, they were the 5 best days of my life. I don't think I ever really gave myself time to grieve the loss. I jumped right into my first IUI days later, pumping myself full of hormones. Hormones always do wonders for mental states, right??

So now I sit here, just feeling sad. I've tried to think of a better word for it, something more descriptive, but sad really covers it. And I feel horribly guilty and wrong for that sadness. As I am typing this, I can feel little Q moving inside of me. I am so lucky and blessed. And I know that there are many women out there who pass a missed due date and aren't as lucky. Right now my heart breaks for them. So while I do feel bad about being sad, I can't help but think about what could have been.

As I think about it more, I think my general sadness is really more due to this bringing back all of the IF crap. This baby would have been a do-it-yourselfer. Conceived in our own home, own bed, with just the two of us there. As cliched a story as it would be, getting pregnant on the cycle before starting treatments, who really doesn't wish that happened to them? Instead I got a big, bloody reminder that we couldn't do this ourselves. Instead I went headfirst right back into day 3 ultrasounds, shots, watching the sunrise waiting for a morning wanding. Random doctors either cracking lame jokes between my legs or filling the room (and my uterus) with their god-like complex. As people around me joke about what we must have been doing last Christmas, me thanking Mr H for the diamond earrings, he got a flat screen so I got a baby, and other lame jokes like that, I think to myself...you have no fucking clue. Christmas I was 2 days past my iui and spent most of the day in tears. I think that is what I'm mourning more than anything else. The fact that the baby we made by ourselves couldn't make it.

But I know I shouldn't be sad...

never thought is possible

to gain 7 lbs in 2 weeks! Yikes! What a freakin fatso I am. And to make it even worse, my stomach is measuring 2 weeks behind (30 weeks) so I can't even blame it on the baby. Other than my fatso status, a boring appointment, the kind I like. Got my butt shot today, the nurse commented on how relaxed I was about it. While I didn't have to do any IM shots during my IUI, I still somehow didn't really mind the butt shot, just one more thing on the list to do to get a healthy babe.

And thanks for the good thoughts for my friend, she got the all clear--no fibroids or blockages in the tubes so she's getting ready to start her IUIs.

Pretty boring post, sorry. It's been a pretty boring week. Been doing lots of training of our new staff, which is nice since it gets me out of the classroom and sitting down for 1-2 hours a time. Definitely makes my days go a bit smoother. And it seems lately that if I don't have anything to bitch about, I don't blog. And that's mostly because I don't want to be one of those complaining pg lady blogs. I know how blessed and lucky I am and recognize that this could very well be my only pregnancy, so I might as well try to enjoy every second of it. (hmmm....wonder if I'll let that same logic apply to delivery, probably not)

and thank goodness it's almost the weekend!

Good thoughts for a friend

A good friend I work with (see the beginning of her story here) is having her HSG tomorrow and is understandably nervous. If you've got any good thoughts to send her way, please do. She is so like me. She wanted me to go through the entire process and how each step felt. Of course it's different for everyone but I so much appreciated the people who told me that yes, there are parts that do hurt...forget 'uncomfortable'. I'm hoping she gets the all clear so she can start IUI's next cycle.

As for me, after my night of horrible BH a few weeks ago I have been the queen of hydration (seriously thinking of making myself a crown) and have been using a heating pad on the old ute nightly. It has made such a difference. Between that and my super fancy lumbar thingy for the car, I pretty much only get them if I have a full bladder, full stomach, or get a swift kick/punch. Of course those things all do still happen pretty darn frequently but if I can stave them off a night, I'm a much happier camper during the day. As for the car lumbar thing, I left it in my mom's car over the weekend and Monday just happened to be one of those commutes from hell. I take 2 pretty major highways for this area to work and both had accidents on them. Over an hour drive resulted in so many BH that I lost count. They stopped as soon as I got to work and was able to sit for a few minutes. You bet I stopped at my mom's after work to pick up my pillow thing. I thought it was over priced but now I realize it was worth every penny. I don't care that they can't explain why I get them so much in the car, as long as I can stop it!

Off to veg in front of the tv for a bit, hope all is well in blogland

what is that room in my house?

Apparently it is the start of a nursery. My family staged a bit of an intervention last week basically telling me to get my head out of the sand and start getting ready for this kid to come. I was told that the baby is going to show up whether I have things ready or not so wouldn't it be better to get ready? So we had a painting party with my brother and his wife. The room is a nice light green. It doesn't scream nursery thankfully since we're hoping to move in a few years. New carpets in the whole house are getting installed next week (our house is 32 yrs old and still has the original carpets, thankfully not shag but still pretty nasty) and the...gulp...crib and dresser get delivered the weekend of the 26th. Holy shit.

Since we had handy, free labor available, we also painted our bedroom. We have been wanting to paint in there since we moved in. The previous owners were big fans of two-toning things so it was a urine yellow bedroom with one wall looking like someone who is extremely dehydrated. It looks SOOOOO much better now. Just need to do some touch-ups tomorrow (only problem with free labor is that you have to give them beer and the quality of work tends to go down as things progress) and I can't wait to put it all back together.

So that's my exciting weekend. Have to work for a bit tomorrow, but it's my private consult work so at least I get paid for it. Otherwise only 3 more weeks of summer session left...and they have to go better than this week did....there really isn't anyway for them to go worse.

oh....and my only other news, I have become addicted to F.lair on f.acebook..someone needs to stage an intervention for that!

if one more person...

comments on how big I am, how long I've been pregnant, or how much longer I have to be pregnant I will not be held responsible for my actions. And yes, I know my ankle bones are MIA but it's hot and you see, DC was built on a swamp so it's also humid and nasty. And yes, I know I should stay off my feet but I work in special ed and I can't really tell all these cute little kids that I need to rest for 15 minutes and could they please find something to do...because they won't, in fact, they'll probably just play with their poo and since I don't want to clean it up, it is much better for me to just not take that break.

Have plenty of updates for everyone if I ever get a spare minute. Had a little scare last week with the old irritable ute acting up. Got the complete pre-term labor workup (none of you mentioned just how unpleasant those cervix checks are) but all is well and I should be resting more. HA!!! But I do love that my ob's office takes everything seriously and brought me in instead if just dismissing everything I said.

And I also know I haven't been commenting a ton lately....but I am reading. This was my 2 minute get off my feet break...back to work now ;(

blech...

I've said it before but you ladies really are fantastic for my self esteem! I wish I could keep you in my pocket or something ;)

Survived the glucose test. Not sure when I'll find out if I passed or not, I'm hoping before my next appt since it's a ways off. The stuff was sickeningly sweet. I started to feel a little sick to my stomach as we approached the hour cut off and was a little dizzy. I had a banana in my bag that I was unpeeling as I walked out the door of the lab. Really hope I pass, I don't know if I could manage the 3 hr.

Worked from home the rest of the day. Should have went in because I've ended up on the phone all day. To me, working from home always involves an afternoon nap....no such luck today. I did manage to sign up for our childbirth class. I'm not sure what I think about a breastfeeding class. Anyone think it was useful? I know there are lactation consultants at the hospital so I don't know if I want to drop the 50 bucks.

Ugggg....phone is ringing again....

So much to say? ** belly pic in post**

All morning I had a ton of posts jumping around in my head and now that it's lunch and I can log on...nothing. What a pain.

Instead I guess I'll bore people with stupid pg updates. I am apparently now huge and 4 different people told me yesterday that I started waddling. Thanks...I was pretty aware of it since my hips are all achy and creaky and hurt like a bitch all night long. Speaking of bitch, I am a raging one right now. Anything can set me off. I feel bad for everyone around me since I'm a time bomb. I've got my 1 hr glucose screening tomorrow morning. I'm eating a nice spinach salad with hard boiled eggs right now ;) Really nervous about this for some reason. I'm sure some psych person would say I'm displacing all of my other anxieties and making it all about this test...and they'd probably be right but I'd go all she-bitch on them so it would be a pretty pointless conversation.

The irritable old ute is getting a little better. I went to the H.ealthy Back store and spent way to much money on a fancy lumbar thing which helps the BH when I'm driving. Now that I've got that under control, I can pretty much manage them by never letting my bladder get too full. That was the other big trigger. And for now, Q has changed positions so she isn't kicking my bladder anymore. Those kicks use to cause some pretty bad BH. I think she's moved on to the liver or something underneath my ribs. My doc isn't as worried anymore since they're decreasing in frequency, so that makes me feel a TON better. (not going to lie though, part of me wanted to get a medical leave from work b/c of the whole driving thing so I could collect my short term disability. Otherwise I'm working right up until I give birth in this freaking school)

I was hoping some of my brilliant thoughts would come back to me as a typed but no luck. So for now go wish Shelby a happy birthday.

Oh...and since I'm feeling brave. Here's a pic from 4 1/2 weeks ago (exactly 24 weeks), very staged from my brother's wedding. Mr H is on the left and that pink cotton candy explosion...well that's me ;) Looks like a bad prom picture in front of the fireplace, doesn't it???

Tagged times two

First off, thank you all for all of your kind words and thoughts about all my family crap. In my anger at the time I didn't really portray my dad in the best light so I'm clearing his name a little right now. It's going to take a little while to come up with a new 'normal', especially we always were a family that loved vacationing together and big long dinners, but we will. This weekend my mom is going to visit her sister so I'm going to let my inner 6 year old do her selfish thing and wallow for a little bit.

On to the tagging. Yoka (as an aside, please go click over and give her some hugs, she just got not so great news about her dad) tagged me for this meme:

1. What did you do 10 years ago?

Hmmm...summer 1998 I was temping at F.idelity In.vestments and re-affirming my beliefs that I wanted nothing to do with the business world. I was also enjoying my last summer of extended adolescence, getting ready for my senior year of college

2. Five things from your ‘to do’ list?
- Realize that everyone else thinks I'm crazy and need to accept the fact that there most likely will be a 3rd little person in this house in September and maybe get something set up for her
- Call closet people (house came with custom avocado green floor to ceiling doors...you know you're jealous)
- start researching a second car as soon as ours is paid off
- along with the first thing, find a pediatrician
- find a pool to join (actually a very high priority for me right now)

3. Favorite snacks
- most ice cream related desserts
- chips and salsa


4. What would you do if you were a millionaire?
move out of this old townhouse with avocado doors
actually save
take fantastically amazing vacations with all of my loved ones every year

5. Places where you’ve lived?
New York
New Jersey
Massachusetts
Maine
Maryland
Virginia

And then Bean tagged me forever ago for this meme. I'm hereby acknowledging the tag but recognizing that I am WAY too spent to come up with a decent 6 word memoir. I will get to it though, I promise.

And I tag anyone who feels like doing either one!

Parents

Sorry I've been MIA. Work was crazy and then we took off to FL for a few days. Came back to a shitstorm of course. So yes, I owe you all a real legit post but this is going to be a quick little vent before I get back to work (yes, it's 9 PM) about parents acting like children.

Just found out tonight that not only is my dad moving out and getting a divorce, but that he's moving 8 hours away....on Friday. Seem a little hasty?? Not for someone who's clinically depressed and regularly self-medicates with car bombs (the drink, not an actual bomb). When my brother talked to him about his drinking, he said it's ok because he typically only binge drinks 1-2 times/week and he never drives. Sounds like a teenager at all???

So I'm left with a wreck of a mother, an insane amount of work to do, and pretty crappy mental health of my own. My mom is staying with us tomorrow night so she doesn't have to be around when my dad loads up his truck. Ridiculous.

Again, sorry for the dump and I do promise a real post as soon as I get my head above water

thanks ladies

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice. For now I'm going to go with some denial and put off any decision making until sometime next year. I really appreciated everyone's thoughts on future treatments and I'll probably talk to my RE before we would start up again to see if what knowing would change. So there....I'm wiping my hands of it for now (or at least trying to).

Can we talk for just one minute about the crazy weather and traffic around DC yesterday. It took me an hour and a half to get home from work last night. As I'm pulling in, Mr H calls to tell me that there is a power outage on the metro and everyone has to get off about 4 stops away from us. So I run in to the house, use the bathroom, feed the cat, grab a granola bar for myself, and get back into the car. It should take me 20 minutes to get to this metro station. One hour and 10 minutes later I pick Mr H up. Some of you might remember that I found out last month that my uterus does not like sitting in the car. As soon as I had that car in park, I jumped out, ran to the passenger side and lied down...felt so much better. Then, instead of trying to go straight home, we decided to go to a little cafe less than 1/2 mile from the metro. In retrospect, we should have just parked the car and walked but instead it took us 30 minutes to get there. Then 45 home. So all in all, four hours in the car. I could have been somewhere fun in that time, but no, I spent it on the beltway and 66.

Thankfully, schools were closed today. I soooo needed it. I thought it would give me the time to catch up on all the end of year paperwork but I had no power or cable (therefore, no internet) until 4 today. So I was forced to relax. And I walked over to the grocery store for lunch since there was no way I was getting back in that car today!

hmmm....reads like a very whiny post, sorry. I really came on just to thank you all for your help and good thoughts. This community never ceases to amaze me!

Bowing out (and some questions for ya)

First, thanks for the birthday wishes. I am another one of those 'birthday month' people so no one ever has to apologize for being a day late ;)

And now I have to respectfully bow out of NaComLeavMo. It's crazy time at work, gearing up to hire and train new staff and I barely have time to read, let alone comment. My reader is getting a little bit overwhelming. I have loved checking out some new blogs and getting to know new bloggers and I'll try to keep up but there is just no way I can do it every day.

Here's where I get selfish though--since I've gotten so many new readers the last week or so I figured it's a good time to ask my latest round of questions. You ladies are all brilliant and I know a bunch of you work in the medical field so I welcome all advice and ass-vice on this one.

Sometime last year some of my aunts and one of my cousins decided to get tested/screened (not sure exactly how it works) for the breast cancer genes since we have such a significant family history. I didn't do it at the time because I was getting poked and prodded enough with all of the preliminary testing for the RE and quite honestly, just couldn't handle the thought of it. Well I found out recently that they tested positive. Now I know it doesn't mean that I will get cancer, just that it increases the likelihood that I will. My biggest hang up right now is that you all know what else increases your odds of getting breast cancer right...injectible FSH. So while I was lucky enough to get pregnant, in the process did I ensure that this little girl will grow up motherless? Did I pass the gene on to her? I was talking about all this with family last weekend and they all told me to go get tested. But I don't know how I feel about it. I can't be anymore proactive than I already am. I got my baseline mammogram at 29, do self exams religiously, and insist that my gyno do exams yearly instead of every 3. So what would it change? But it also raises the question of starting IF treatments again in a few years. At that point I'll be older so we'd probably be moving straight to IVF, which increases the amounts of hormones I'd be putting into my system. For now, I'm not thinking too much about that last question.

So that's where my head has been at lately, it's a little bit of a messy place. And I have one more selfish, shameless thing to do. Every year I run in the K.omen R.ace for the Cure with my family for my aunt. She was first diagnosed 19 years ago and is the strongest lady I know. In fact, she was my rock during all of this IF crap. This year I signed up to show my support but didn't really plan on doing it or doing too much fundraising, I'm a little pre-occupied and I know I couldn't do run a 5K right now. But I decided to walk it (in the spirit of full disclosure, probably the 1 mile instead of the 3) and I want to at least make an effort to raise some money. I know we've all got different causes that are close to our heart and many of you are trying to figure out how to pay for treatments and testing. But if you've got a few spare singles floating around (literally), please consider heading over to my race webpage. (just a warning--in order to get the rest of my fam motivated to donate, I do talk about how I'll be "walking for two").

So to wrap up, sorry for bailing on the comment-athon, thanks for any advice about the breast cancer gene crap, and double thanks if any of you click over to the race.

yet another rant

So I have some real posts in the works; including some pictures from the wedding last weekend, some medical news I got that I'm still iffy on, my progress with NaComLeavMo, and of course, potential family drama. But first I need to yell and scream for a minute.

There's a young girl here at work that I can not stand. She's just horrible immature and I have to have all these development meetings with her and basically tell her that she needs to think before she speaks and generally just keep her mouth shut more often. She's always spewing gossip, is beyond un-professional, and at times, has violated confidentiality. She's almost been fired for her big mouth. So this morning, I walk into a classroom a few seconds after her and she's announcing for the whole world to hear, "I can't believe I'm freaking pregnant, there is no way I'm keeping the thing". Now IF Meghan outranked supervisor Meghan at this point and I just turned around. This hit me hard. I have always been pro-choice. I knew that I would probably choose to keep a baby but that the choice should still be up to me. But I just wanted to shake this girl. Without even clicking through my blogroll I can think of at least 5 people who would love to love this baby. I just wish I didn't know.

(and to just add to the gossip-y badness of it, she's been quite vocal about hooking up with a guy in another classroom so now the whole world knows his business too)

Sorry for yet another rant, I promise I'll have some real posts up in the next couple of days

full circle

Saturday night I came full circle, I was right back being the infertile girl crying in the bathroom of a restaurant, except I was the pregnant infertile...if that makes any sense.

The night started out innocently enough, we were at an engagement party right on the water in G.eorgetown. I'm happily drinking my seltzer and cranberry juice talking to some people I hadn't seen in forever when another couple shows up. She sees my belly, does the whole 'how far along are you' thing and says she's pregnant too, but she barely has a heartbeat yet and can't wait for her dr's appointment in 2 weeks. The girl is 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. Now let's start with the fact that this is someone I already am not a huge fan of. She then goes on and on to talk about her pregnancy (all 2 weeks she's known about it), but then mentions that she had been trying for a year and a half and it gets not too fun. For a second I think I've found a fellow stirrup queen and I agree with her. She then goes on to talk about all the stress people put on themselves when they don't get pregnant right away and how that just makes it worse. That all of this infertility business is just women wanting immediate gratification (ha....you can tell she never waited for test results, nothing immediate about all that) and everyone just needs to relax. Now I know I should have used this as an opportunity to do a little bit of education, but I just couldn't. Instead I (rather bitchily) mumbled under my breath, "your baby could be dead already and you don't even know it" (**ok, not proud of that comment at all, I don't think anyone heard me. I really don't wish a miscarriage on anyone) and excused myself. Seconds later I found myself in the bathroom just sobbing, just like I used to when I'd show up at a party and discover someone was pregnant. I guess she brought up all those old emotions, I've had people say those same things to me before and they always generate the same reaction: anger and tears. I guess now is no different. Part of me just wishes I could have been that naive.

Other than that little episode, I had a great weekend. No pics taken, I was running really late getting ready but with my bro's wedding this weekend, I'm sure there will be plenty!

Sunday I bit the bullet and started a registry. Talk about overwhelming. Halfway through the store I didn't think I was going to make it so we stopped and just did what we had to do...the crib. They say allow 8-12 weeks for delivery but I've heard it taking as long as 16, and we've only got 17 to go (again, hoping I'm not tempting fate with all this). But we actually made our decision fairly easily. If I can find some pics on line I'll post them. I just want to check around online for the best price and should have it ordered by Wednesday. Sucks that we need to go back, since the store was a complete zoo, but there was no way I could have finished. We were both so overwhelmed by everything. And I thought I was well prepared having read the books, flagged the pages of things I was interested in, etc.

Now back to work, luckily a short week since I'll be leaving early on Thursday and am taking Friday off for the wedding. I'm going to be such an emotional basketcase. I'm just so glad my brother picked someone I like, she's already my sister, just now we're making it official (ha, makes it sound like I'm marrying her ;)

If you've got a sec, go send some love to Leah. She's probably having little Spidey as we speak!

dr updates and stuff

And the award for being smarter than my dr goes to.....(drumroll please)....Leah!!!! The answer to my sitting in traffic woes is that I probably have an irritable uterus. The lovely Leah guessed it right 6 weeks ago! He said he wasn't worried since it's pretty much just isolated to when I'm sitting in traffic and that when we sit, the uterus tilts forward a little bit. Gave me the whole try to shift positions and rest talk. So Monday morning when the traffic reports say someone is taking a nap in her car, laying on her left side, in the middle of the Am.erican L.egion bridge, all you local ladies can think of me! If it continues or gets worse later in the pregnancy we'll talk about putting me on a modified work schedule. With no traffic I can be at work in 20 minutes, during rush hour it's at least double that (on a good day). Also said the cervix wasn't an issue. Apparently the tech did 3 measurements and the other 2 were all over 3, he thinks that one was just a funny angle or something. All in all I was told I was a model patient. He said the words I think every woman should hear from a medical professional, "Your weight gain is just perfect". LOVE it. Gained 4 pounds last month and am up 10 so far for the pregnancy. The basketball that is currently shoved underneath my rib cage really seems to be more than that though.

So I'm going to try to relax and enjoy the next few weeks. I'm at a point where I feel pretty good and can feel Q moving all day long. I know the uncomfortable times are approaching so I figure I should take advantage of feeling fairly good. Might venture to B.uy B.uy B.aby this weekend to start looking at things, we'll see. It still feels like tempting fate but I know it needs to be done. They say cribs and furniture can sometimes take over 12 weeks to arrive and I have no idea what I like or want yet. During my insomnia last night (been up since 2:30 this morning) I read Consu.mer Reports Baby Products and B.aby B.argains so I've got some starting point. All I really know is I don't want anything over the top and I'd like to be somewhat minimalistic about this...babies don't really need that much, especially in the beginning.

On a fun note I got a bonus yesterday! Most of it went to the massive credit card bill from our March vacation but I did splurge and get my hair cut and highlights at the good place last night. It's a mini spa and they walk around with chocolates, cheese, bottles of water. Mr H always laughs saying I pay over 200 for a bottle of water but since I only do it about once a year, I think it's fine. This way it'll look good next weekend for the wedding. We're going to an engagement party this weekend and since I'll look fancy, maybe I'll be brave and post a pic or two.

Hope everyone has a good weekend....and while you're here, go click over to Morissa and send her some good vibes while she waits for her beta

a real post for you all

Here you go, something real, as opposed to me just posting a news link and ranting for a few lines here and there. But before I do that, I have one more link I need to post. This post from our wonderful Mel...wow...talk about powerful...it's just perfect. I wish I could comment on it half as eloquently as she wrote it. I even forwarded it along to Mr H so he would hopefully understand a little bit of my funk. And he did, so a big thanks to Mel for that.

Still in and out of my funk. I've figured out my biggest trigger and am working to avoid it. Problem is, that trigger is my mother and she's pretty much obsessed with me and Q right now. I won't go into it all but here's a small sampling. Apparently, in early December, right as IUI #1 was failing and I was still drowning from the incredible mindfuck of the chemical pregnancy mess in November, she bought extra stocking holders and Baby's First Ch.ristmas ornaments. Why you ask....because she had faith in me and knew I could do it. I tried to rationally explain that none of this was about me, it as about science and drs and just how hurtful some of those comments were. And then of course, before my Level II ultrasound, I mentioned how nervous I was and all I really cared about was everything being ok. Of course she told me not to worry...because I wouldn't let anything bad happen to the baby. Which once again, puts any past and potential failures squarely on my shoulders. There's been more but I'll spare you the drama. I feel a little bad, since little by little I'm cutting her out of this pregnancy but I often end up in such a downward spiral after talking with her.

Other than my random funks, things are going fairly well. Very noticeable belly at this point and Mr H can feel Q most of the time. I've got an OB appointment tomorrow morning. Once again, I have a list of questions, a long list. Big things I want reassurance on are my cervix length (it was 2.8 at my u/s and from what I read, in a singleton while the minimum is 2.5 they like it 3 and over) and the fact that my uterus HATES traffic. I've got a 40-60 minute commute each way and I get 2-3 b.raxton h.icks each way. Aside from then, I hardly ever get them. And the other times makes sense...a hard kick, really full bladder, etc. I even stumped g.oogle. I've tried changing the lumbar thing, re-arranging my seat belt, seat angle...pretty much everything I can think of. Anyone else have this? It's very random and started getting bad about a week ago. Really makes me dread getting up and going to work. Today I decided to do some work from home and then go in around 10, since without traffic it's only a 20 minute drive.

I know I should have more to write about. Things have been crazy on all fronts. My brother's getting married next weekend. Very excited though that I bought a bridesmaids dress a few sizes too big and it worked! Seamstress is just going to take out the boning (no flat belly corset for me) and adjust some of the rouching on it. It looks great! And it is very nice to not be crash dieting before a wedding...first time I think!

No promises, but I'm going to try to be a better poster/commentor. I miss you all!

what the f?

This is just un-freakin-believable! And what do you want to bet the parents of this child had NO problem getting or staying pregnant? Meanwhile, I'm completely freaked out that S.tarbucks accidentally gave me caffeine instead of de-caf. What is wrong with people??

**and I promise a more substantial post is on its way

really?

**disclaimer** I wouldn't read this if you're not in a good place

Are you kidding me? They have to stop, it's getting ridiculous. They alone are going to responsible for SOOO much over-population. I couldn't even read the whole stupid thing about God's gifts and all that nonsense. And if I was 20, I'd be a little weirded out that my mom kept getting knocked up.

And one more thing...who the fuck announces they are pregnant to the entire world wide web???

no one gets it

No one else in my life, even those who know that it took us 2.5 years to get here, seems to understand that I'm still scared and still don't believe this is really true. I'm scared to buy more maternity clothes and am fine alternating between the 2 pairs of pants I have. And I can't even begin to think about nursery bedding, cribs, registering, or all that other stuff. And names! Suddenly people expect us to have a name ready. It's all so crazy to me. It all seems so far away. I can't help but think that it's all wishful thinking on my part. I look at some other people's blogs and they all seem to together, already doing all those things. I will admit that I got temporarily giddy with excitement after the ultrasound and keep looking at the one little outfit my cousin got me....but I've lost the giddiness. And then of course I feel bad that this little girl isn't getting the best of me and will someone stumble across these postings years from now and think that I wasn't thrilled beyond words or that I didn't want her enough.

Years ago I had an PTSD related anxiety disorder that I did work through, my therapist would always make me talk about my 'death thoughts'. It took years before I could rationalize away each thought as it popped into my head. Well now I don't have thoughts about me dying, but of this baby. And I can't rationalize them. I know that part of it is because I never really dealt with the chemical pregnancy (or whatever it was) in November. But all I keep thinking is if that pregnancy could be taken after a week....why can't this after 20? There's really no rhyme or reason to all this...and I like both rhyme and reason.

I keep telling myself that I should be out of this funk, that I'm doing a disservice to every women still in the throws of treatments by not reveling in the fact that I managed to get lucky. But I can't shake it....

uggg...I hate what IF has done to me....

Partee!!

What I learned this weekend...I am no longer 22 years old. Now you think I would have known that by now, but apparently not, since I managed to be throwing up and feeling hung over without ever taking a sip of alcohol.

Yesterday was my soon to be sis-in-law's bridal shower and bachlorette party. Shower went well but the bachlorette kicked my butt. I drank water all night, at one point running across the street to one of the best ice cream shops in the area and got a chocolate malt (LOVE those). I danced like a crazy girl! Headed home around 12:30, in bed at 1. Yeah, late, but not crazy late. Well darling little Q, who has not once kept me up at night, decided that the dance party should not end and wanted to keep on partying with the girls. For about 45 minutes she was going crazy, possibly trying out for the Ro.ckettes, I'm not sure. Finally fell asleep and then I woke up at 5 SO sick. I was miserable. It is not fair that not only was I sober all night, but I still ended up sick. (as an aside, being the only sober person can be hysterically funny, drunk people do really stupid things) And today I felt like I drank a bottle of vodka, tired with the headache and when every single movement hurts. I'm wondering if it was the smoke in the bars since we went out in VA instead of the District or maybe just the change in routine. All I know is it SUCKED.

Tonight will be a very early night for me, I've got a killer week at work and then I've got private clients lined up Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday (for the record, next time I tell someone I can work on a Friday after I already worked all day, I need one of you to slap me). The only reason Wednesday is free is that it's Mr H's birthday. After all the party planning I did the last few weeks I completely forgot about it. Got to see about dinner reservations somewhere.

Off to straighten up. Mr H has been out of town since last week and the place is a complete mess. Hope everyone had a good weekend

Been awhile

So I'm still in this stupid blogging funk. I've probably got more posts saved as a draft in my dashboard than I've actually published.

But I'm not going to go into the stupidly, irrational fears of a pregnant infertile and am just going to let everyone know that despite my nightly dream that I was gestating a monkey (I think it's the banana cravings that got me), we had our ultrasound today and the baby is decidedly non-Simian* and it appears that, despite all my freakish insecurities, we'll be having a little girl in September.

More importantly, all systems were a go. I just loved our tech Lori, who after hearing me drone on and on about the monkey dreams (you see, I thought that it still could be a monkey and how could she be sure that the umbilical cord wasn't a tail?), reached for the 3D wand and made me promise not to tell anyone (none of you will tell on her...right?). I was floored by the technology, even the regular 2D.

I have to say though, that I think I would have preferred the didlocam to the way she did the cervix check. There was no need to slather on extra goo and then smush it up to my girly bits. I did not know that was coming and the bits had not been groomed in awhile. At least with the trans vag they put a condom over the goo. And as another side, I will be obsessively googling cervix length, mine as 2.8 and isn't it supposed to be over 3???

That's all I've got in me now, for some reason morning sickness has returned, although at least now it's only in the morning. And I promise to get better about commenting, I'm reading up on all of you, I just don't want to spread my funk around so I haven't been commenting

*yes, I know that humans are also simians, just taking a little creative license here